Fighting Fires...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Fighting Fires...
Hi all,
I guess the main point of this post is to gain guidance and advice on what I try next, if anything, to help my alcoholic father and his alcoholic wife. But I suppose I also just want to get it out of my system a little by sharing the burden, as it were.
My dad is sixty-five and recently retired, his wife is still at work. My dad has always been a drinker, for as long as I can remember, though as a child, I was too young to see any dependancy from him. Only now, as a forty-three year old, can I look back with more maturity and see how his alcoholism has matured with him.
I have calculated, with some degree of accuracy, that between them they spend close to £900 per month on whiskey, brandy, smoking, and taxis getting to and from the pub each day. Luckily, they own their flat, but even that comes with issues, as I shall go into.
Health-wise, my dad has angina issues, signs of liver function reduction, and passes out (literally) almost weekly now. So much so that he daren't go out any more and so drinks at home. His wife still goes out each day and is having so much time off work lately that I can just see her losing her job soon. She had her spleen removed some time ago and so has her own health issues, as well as asthma, and other conditions which even I don't know about. In my opinion, they should both no longer be living in their flat, where they have to climb three flights of stairs to get to their door. As is often the case, they keep talking about selling it but the talk never matures into anything physical.
I went to see my dad yesterday to take him to the doctors as the doctor wanted to see him after his recent spates of collapsing and being hospitalised. I assume to discuss his medication (blood pressure, angina, and so forth).
However, when I arrived, my dad was in bed still at midday, his wife was off work (again) as she was worried about him. (Though my feeling is that the 'worry' is an excuse to stay home and thus drink more.) He had soiled himself the day before, while sat in the sofa, and now, apparently, just urinates himself. He is now literally urinating into a bucket beside the bed because he won't or can't get of bed to go to the toilet, apparently because he fears collapsing.
He also collapsed and injured his foot over the weekend. He broke it a few months ago after falling over drunk. He showed me his foot yesterday and I was physically disgusted. Not at the bruising, but at the state of his feet and his nails. It was all I could do to hold my stomach. The skin around his toes was yellowed and broken. Disgusting. His finger nails were filthy and I asked him why. He told me that he didn't think they would get dirty since he no longer works, and he daren't shower in case he collapses.
As he gave me the excuse of his collapsing not to see the doctor, I asked him whether I should then call the doctor out. He firstly refused that. I questioned why he would refuse that if it is just about the collapsing, he didn't answer. I suspect he would feel embarrassed and degraded.
Anyway, I called the local GP myself and explained the situation and they are sending the duty GP out to see him, even if it's just to look at his foot which clearly needed attention.
I live about thirty miles away and am self-employed and so even with the best will in the world, I can't be there every day. A few months ago, I tried visiting daily and buying him high-calorie foods as neither of them eat well at all.
The state of the house is just filthy. They offer me coffee and tea, or to eat, and I just can't bring myself to drink from the cups or eat from the kitchen. I feel that I am being horrible by doing that, but it is just disgusting to me how they live.
As it is now, on the rare occasions that my dad does come downstairs, his wife assists him. I don't particularly care for her and never have done but even I feel sorry for her; she is exhausted and, well, is drunk herself much of the time. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Dad will almost certainly collapse one time too many soon and hit his head on the wrong thing.
I can see more and more of their life being eroded each month and my gut tells me that she will lose her job soon and if that is the case then they will spiral downwards so rapidly. As it is now, at least they are not in debt.
I didn't tell my dad yesterday that I asked a GP to see him today, as if I did then he would find a dozen excuses and reasons as to why he couldn't be seen and he would easily talk his wife around to getting out of it. Sadly, I can't be there today as I have clients arriving.
I feel between a rock and a hard place and really don't know what to do. I've tried visiting daily, buying food for them and so forth, that hasn't worked. I've tried taking a more back-seat approach and that hasn't worked. They just seem so bent on self-destruction. I know they can't help it (though I frequently have to remind myself of that) but they seem so utterly selfish and uncaring about how it affects those around them.
I have spent the morning researching what, if any, social care intervention could be available to them, but it seems like a complex undertaking. I wish my brother would help but, by his own admission, he just 'doesn't do this sort of thing'. My other younger brother won't even acknowledge his existence. So it's me or nobody and I don't want it to be nobody. Nobody, to me, seems like a sentence of absolute and certain destruction for them both.
What I know for certain is that my dad will not undergo any counselling.
I have so many questions I don't even know where to begin, I really don't.
I feel it has moved beyond simple GP visits. I look at the situation and my head tells me that they need some sort of social care but is that even available in these situations?
Do I keep visiting and feeling more and more let down and disgusted. I had to really get mad at him two weeks ago when he collapsed yet again and was hospitalised but didn't even tell me. He claimed he thought I had enough to worry about with my own life. Rubbish! I have a lovely life with next to no worries. He was just scared to tell me because he told me (again) he was off the whiskey.
I feel a little like I am playing that 'whack a mole' game. I sort one thing out for them and then another pops up. I feel as though I have exhausted my knowledge, my patience, and my understanding, but what else can I do?
What I know with absolute certainty is that the current situation is a disaster just waiting to happen to one or both of them and it seems to me that they have reached a point where they are no longer capable of taking proper care of themselves. But is that really my decision to make? Am I just being judgemental? I hate feeling so utterly useless, that much I do know...
I guess the main point of this post is to gain guidance and advice on what I try next, if anything, to help my alcoholic father and his alcoholic wife. But I suppose I also just want to get it out of my system a little by sharing the burden, as it were.
My dad is sixty-five and recently retired, his wife is still at work. My dad has always been a drinker, for as long as I can remember, though as a child, I was too young to see any dependancy from him. Only now, as a forty-three year old, can I look back with more maturity and see how his alcoholism has matured with him.
I have calculated, with some degree of accuracy, that between them they spend close to £900 per month on whiskey, brandy, smoking, and taxis getting to and from the pub each day. Luckily, they own their flat, but even that comes with issues, as I shall go into.
Health-wise, my dad has angina issues, signs of liver function reduction, and passes out (literally) almost weekly now. So much so that he daren't go out any more and so drinks at home. His wife still goes out each day and is having so much time off work lately that I can just see her losing her job soon. She had her spleen removed some time ago and so has her own health issues, as well as asthma, and other conditions which even I don't know about. In my opinion, they should both no longer be living in their flat, where they have to climb three flights of stairs to get to their door. As is often the case, they keep talking about selling it but the talk never matures into anything physical.
I went to see my dad yesterday to take him to the doctors as the doctor wanted to see him after his recent spates of collapsing and being hospitalised. I assume to discuss his medication (blood pressure, angina, and so forth).
However, when I arrived, my dad was in bed still at midday, his wife was off work (again) as she was worried about him. (Though my feeling is that the 'worry' is an excuse to stay home and thus drink more.) He had soiled himself the day before, while sat in the sofa, and now, apparently, just urinates himself. He is now literally urinating into a bucket beside the bed because he won't or can't get of bed to go to the toilet, apparently because he fears collapsing.
He also collapsed and injured his foot over the weekend. He broke it a few months ago after falling over drunk. He showed me his foot yesterday and I was physically disgusted. Not at the bruising, but at the state of his feet and his nails. It was all I could do to hold my stomach. The skin around his toes was yellowed and broken. Disgusting. His finger nails were filthy and I asked him why. He told me that he didn't think they would get dirty since he no longer works, and he daren't shower in case he collapses.
As he gave me the excuse of his collapsing not to see the doctor, I asked him whether I should then call the doctor out. He firstly refused that. I questioned why he would refuse that if it is just about the collapsing, he didn't answer. I suspect he would feel embarrassed and degraded.
Anyway, I called the local GP myself and explained the situation and they are sending the duty GP out to see him, even if it's just to look at his foot which clearly needed attention.
I live about thirty miles away and am self-employed and so even with the best will in the world, I can't be there every day. A few months ago, I tried visiting daily and buying him high-calorie foods as neither of them eat well at all.
The state of the house is just filthy. They offer me coffee and tea, or to eat, and I just can't bring myself to drink from the cups or eat from the kitchen. I feel that I am being horrible by doing that, but it is just disgusting to me how they live.
As it is now, on the rare occasions that my dad does come downstairs, his wife assists him. I don't particularly care for her and never have done but even I feel sorry for her; she is exhausted and, well, is drunk herself much of the time. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Dad will almost certainly collapse one time too many soon and hit his head on the wrong thing.
I can see more and more of their life being eroded each month and my gut tells me that she will lose her job soon and if that is the case then they will spiral downwards so rapidly. As it is now, at least they are not in debt.
I didn't tell my dad yesterday that I asked a GP to see him today, as if I did then he would find a dozen excuses and reasons as to why he couldn't be seen and he would easily talk his wife around to getting out of it. Sadly, I can't be there today as I have clients arriving.
I feel between a rock and a hard place and really don't know what to do. I've tried visiting daily, buying food for them and so forth, that hasn't worked. I've tried taking a more back-seat approach and that hasn't worked. They just seem so bent on self-destruction. I know they can't help it (though I frequently have to remind myself of that) but they seem so utterly selfish and uncaring about how it affects those around them.
I have spent the morning researching what, if any, social care intervention could be available to them, but it seems like a complex undertaking. I wish my brother would help but, by his own admission, he just 'doesn't do this sort of thing'. My other younger brother won't even acknowledge his existence. So it's me or nobody and I don't want it to be nobody. Nobody, to me, seems like a sentence of absolute and certain destruction for them both.
What I know for certain is that my dad will not undergo any counselling.
I have so many questions I don't even know where to begin, I really don't.
I feel it has moved beyond simple GP visits. I look at the situation and my head tells me that they need some sort of social care but is that even available in these situations?
Do I keep visiting and feeling more and more let down and disgusted. I had to really get mad at him two weeks ago when he collapsed yet again and was hospitalised but didn't even tell me. He claimed he thought I had enough to worry about with my own life. Rubbish! I have a lovely life with next to no worries. He was just scared to tell me because he told me (again) he was off the whiskey.
I feel a little like I am playing that 'whack a mole' game. I sort one thing out for them and then another pops up. I feel as though I have exhausted my knowledge, my patience, and my understanding, but what else can I do?
What I know with absolute certainty is that the current situation is a disaster just waiting to happen to one or both of them and it seems to me that they have reached a point where they are no longer capable of taking proper care of themselves. But is that really my decision to make? Am I just being judgemental? I hate feeling so utterly useless, that much I do know...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I understand fighting fires. I understand always trying to anticipate/prevent the fallout. My qualifier was my husband. But I also had a mother that lived in filth. I couldn't eat anything out of her kitchen until I had cleaned everything and run the dishwasher. Ugh! I dreaded the visit since I spent so much time just straightening and cleaning to get things tidy.
We also have a forum here for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I encourage you to read here and in that forum in the "stickies". Sticky posts are older, permanent posts at the top of the main forum pages. The stickies contain some of our stories and tons of wisdom from members who have walked the same path as you.
Your father and his wife have a progressive disease. Alcoholism gets worse if untreated. Unfortunately, you and I do not have the power to change another adults behavior/choices. We are powerless over alcohol.
Please stick around and get support for yourself as we care about You!
I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I understand fighting fires. I understand always trying to anticipate/prevent the fallout. My qualifier was my husband. But I also had a mother that lived in filth. I couldn't eat anything out of her kitchen until I had cleaned everything and run the dishwasher. Ugh! I dreaded the visit since I spent so much time just straightening and cleaning to get things tidy.
We also have a forum here for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I encourage you to read here and in that forum in the "stickies". Sticky posts are older, permanent posts at the top of the main forum pages. The stickies contain some of our stories and tons of wisdom from members who have walked the same path as you.
Your father and his wife have a progressive disease. Alcoholism gets worse if untreated. Unfortunately, you and I do not have the power to change another adults behavior/choices. We are powerless over alcohol.
Please stick around and get support for yourself as we care about You!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hi MazY,
I'm so sorry to hear your story. I don't have anything to advise beyond all the things that you're already doing - and you're doing a lot - but I wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum, and it's nice to meet you.
I don't think you're being judgemental at all - it sounds as though all of your fears come from real concern for a person that you love. Your father is bound to feel embarrassment (actually, shame) when he has to confront what he's doing in front of you - it's not necessarily that he doesn't realise how far he's gone, as how far he's willing to admit to it.
Will you let us know how the GP goes? S/he is a fantastic person to help with the social care research btw.
Take care, and keep posting.
Still
xxx
I'm so sorry to hear your story. I don't have anything to advise beyond all the things that you're already doing - and you're doing a lot - but I wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum, and it's nice to meet you.
I don't think you're being judgemental at all - it sounds as though all of your fears come from real concern for a person that you love. Your father is bound to feel embarrassment (actually, shame) when he has to confront what he's doing in front of you - it's not necessarily that he doesn't realise how far he's gone, as how far he's willing to admit to it.
Will you let us know how the GP goes? S/he is a fantastic person to help with the social care research btw.
Take care, and keep posting.
Still
xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
