jenna016

My husband and I met 6 years ago. He toldl me that he used to use heroine and other numerous drugs but no longer did. I made it clear to him at that point that i would not accept those things in my life or around my kids. He obliged.............for 4 1/2 years. I found out he started taking prescription pills a year and a half ago. I told him then to stop or get out. I know he has been still doing them but I just couldn't prove it. 2 months ago I found out he did meth. I started getting counseling again. I knew my co-dependecy issues were popping their ugly heads. His addiction became my driving force. He told me it was only once and that he would never do it again. But he never made an appt. with a counselor. 2 days ago my husband came home. I smelled it on him. It was the same smell I had smelled on him the first time he used. All of my flags went up and I instantly approached him with it. He told me he didn't use. I told him he was lying. He didn't seem to care. He stayed up all night and at 4am I got up and told him I was buying a drug test. I bought the test and emptied half my savings. I put the money into an envelope to give him when I told him to get out. He came home and refused the test. I gave him the envelope. He broke down and admitted he did meth again. I told him he had 24 hours to get real help or get out. He told me this was only the 2nd time he did it and he would be willing to do home drug tests every week............I let him stay I know this isn't going to work and now I am sick. It took so much out of me to push my emotional feelings aside and do the right thing. I didn't do it anyway. I have been in counseling for 20 years because of addicts and alchoholics.( I started at 13). HOW could I make such a stupid choice!!!??? This is breaking my heart.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. I hope you'll find strength and comfort here. I do.

That took so much courage to do what you did. Time will reveal more and I hope that you will have the courage to do what you need to do for yourself. Problems this big don't have to be solved in a day.......be kind and gentle to yourself as you explore your options.

You and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

My therapist looked at me and said......if you have to buy a drug test, you already KNOW the answer. WOW, it hit me like a ton of bricks how right she was. I had become so sick, so filled with self doubt that even simple common sense was lost.

I am sorry for the pain you are in! I am there too, even though I made my AH move out. Although I, at times, still feel the need to ride the roller coaster, get a fix for my addiction (him), I know I am not willing to to stay unhealth aAnd I am working on that! I deserve better, I am worth more and so are YOU!

Windmills

Welcome to SR, I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
When you speak of 'the right thing' that you didn't do, what do you mean?
I agree that drug testing him weekly won't work, you're not a healthcare professional and shouldn't be in that position of warden. It's not fair to either of you.
Do you attend NarAnon or AlAnon?

jenna016

I didn't do the right thing by saying no to the drug tests and making him leave. I have a history of getting into relationships with addicts of any sort. My answer to those problems in the past was to just leave.I have never become emotionally invested in anyone before this. This is the first time in all my counseling that I am addressing my co-dependency issues and why I am creating these relationships. I am making myself live and deal with the choice I made. The problem is that he doesn't have to live there with me.....and I let him. He's dillusional enough to think he is going to stop on his own with some general counseling. I attended 1 al-anon meeting a couple of weeks ago and am very interested in going back. It's hard to find support from my family because ALL of them are addicts themselves. They would feel sorry for him. I also get regular weekly counseling for myself. I did take the money back but am prepared to give it to him again because I agree. I don't believe it was only twice either and I told him that. My children are going to be devastated and I think that's why I am having such a hard time with this. I WANT to believe he'll get better........but I know better.

jenna016

From what I discussed with my counselor we came up with giving him the money because there would be no motivation for him to come back or fight me. It's his money and I can't be his mom doling out an allowance for him..........unless he asks me to. Once it's gone it's gone. He refused to take it anyway, so it's not really an issue at this point.

cc88

Is this a counselor who knows anything about addiction? Because there is ALWAYS a reason to come back and fight you UNLESS you shut him out completely. If its his and you arent about taking his stuff, that's one thing. But don't think that just because he's out of his own money that he has no reason to come back. Especially when he knows that his manipulation of you works.

jenna016

Yes.She deals with addicts and co-dependents specifically. I think you might need a clearer picturer of whats going on so I appologize for the confusion. He has separate bank accounts from me.....except for one. Giving him 1/2 of that money is a significant step for ME not really him. I am well aware of the fight I may have ahead of me but I am the sole owner of the house and property, well before he came into the picture. So I have a right to keep him off of it, legally. When he leaves I want him to take EVERYTHING that belongs to him, including his money. I don't want him to have material or monetary excuses to step foot on my property again.

Heartbroken0608

Giving him half the money in your joint account doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. I understand the thinking, to be totally done with him with no ties, but if you're married those ties are not going to end until you get divorced. At the time you file for divorce (or a legal separation if it's available in your state) is when the finances would start to be considered separate. Whatever is left in the account at the time of filing would be considered a joint asset and he could get half of your half (if that makes sense). I wouldn't make any financial decisions without talking to a lawyer if that is the path you plan on taking.

Oh, and even money in separate accounts is considered a joint asset if it was earned during the marriage. I'd highly recommend talking to a professional.

ODAT63

Your story is one of the reason why when some new person ask if they should "date" or enter into a relationship with an addict WE tell them to run the other way.
So sorry for your pain, good luck to you and as a mom I will tell you that your kids will thank you later. I thought the same that my kids will be devastated but they tell me now that they wish I would of left him long time ago, Kids react to our emotions, we are having a hard time and we think our children are having a hard time too but that not always is the case.
You and your kids are in my prayers

outtolunch

That's a terrific boundary and shows your instincts to protect your children. Until you enforce it, it's just noise. You are the sane parent and know you need to protect your children.

Addiction demands he protect and sustain it and lies and manipulation are the most common tools. He's not using drugs at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

Marital property laws vary state to state. Why not consult with an attorney to make sure that what you do now makes the most sense over the long term.

inpieces314

I think we are all here because we all made the same stupid mistake.

And it's not really a stupid mistake anyway. It just boils down to you doing what you thought was right at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, and I know I would personally change a lot of things in my life if I knew then what I know now.

That isn't the case, though. All you can do is try to make the right decision now. Take it as a lesson learned, and do what you think is right.

Freedom1990

What about your children? I know that my AD had no choice and no voice in the poor and painful decisions I made in regard to relationships for a very long time.

She is indeed scarred from that. That is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

You have the right to change your mind at any given moment.