The Script
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The Script
Sometimes it seems that A's all work off the same script. I think there's a "How to Manipulate using Fear, Obligation, and Guilt" booklet out there.
A: I love you. I'll go to a meeting. I'll get sober....really I will.....will you support me in this and go with me? I can't live without you.
C: (giving it some thought) You really need to do this for you...and for us.
A: But it would really mean a lot to me if you would go with me. It will help me so much and you know.....I love you.
C: Let me think about it.......
(a few hours goes by...roses are delivered)
C: Are you going to go to that meeting tonight that I found for you at the grange hall?
A: Are you coming with me?
C: I've decided that I'm not going to go with you because I'm not an addict. I would feel out of place there.
A: So.....that's how you're going to support me in my recovery? Really? You call that "supporting my recovery"?
C: I shouldn't need to support you in your recovery.....it should be YOUR recovery. But I support that you're going to go.
A: Well if you don't care enough to go with me.....why the he77 should I care enough to go!?
C: You said you love me and you want to do this for us!
A: Dam* you can't even do this little thing to help me out, can you? Would it really be that freaking hard for you to come to a meeting with me? I need a smoke.
........and he disappears for the next six hours while the codependent thinks......if only I had just agreed to go to the meeting.........
There are a thousand more scripts that go along the same line. Between my XAH and my AS, I think I've heard them all. I could probably write a screenplay that would make every codependent go into an anxiety attack.
So the idea is.......how do I change the script? I can't expect the A to change the script, I can only change my part. His script has worked for him for a very long time. And it's made me feel like crapola for a very long time. What would my new script look like? How would the new script make me feel?
I love the saying "No is a complete sentence". Sometimes a simple "no" can change the script and reveal the A's intentions quickly. "No" is like kryptonite for our super hero (ummm.....I mean super addict).
Sometimes.....less is more.
Just my thoughts for the day.
gentle hugs
ke
PS-I must be feeling a little cynical today. But some of you diehard recovering codies will see the humor in this....I hope.
A: I love you. I'll go to a meeting. I'll get sober....really I will.....will you support me in this and go with me? I can't live without you.
C: (giving it some thought) You really need to do this for you...and for us.
A: But it would really mean a lot to me if you would go with me. It will help me so much and you know.....I love you.
C: Let me think about it.......
(a few hours goes by...roses are delivered)
C: Are you going to go to that meeting tonight that I found for you at the grange hall?
A: Are you coming with me?
C: I've decided that I'm not going to go with you because I'm not an addict. I would feel out of place there.
A: So.....that's how you're going to support me in my recovery? Really? You call that "supporting my recovery"?
C: I shouldn't need to support you in your recovery.....it should be YOUR recovery. But I support that you're going to go.
A: Well if you don't care enough to go with me.....why the he77 should I care enough to go!?
C: You said you love me and you want to do this for us!
A: Dam* you can't even do this little thing to help me out, can you? Would it really be that freaking hard for you to come to a meeting with me? I need a smoke.
........and he disappears for the next six hours while the codependent thinks......if only I had just agreed to go to the meeting.........
There are a thousand more scripts that go along the same line. Between my XAH and my AS, I think I've heard them all. I could probably write a screenplay that would make every codependent go into an anxiety attack.
So the idea is.......how do I change the script? I can't expect the A to change the script, I can only change my part. His script has worked for him for a very long time. And it's made me feel like crapola for a very long time. What would my new script look like? How would the new script make me feel?
I love the saying "No is a complete sentence". Sometimes a simple "no" can change the script and reveal the A's intentions quickly. "No" is like kryptonite for our super hero (ummm.....I mean super addict).
Sometimes.....less is more.
Just my thoughts for the day.
gentle hugs
ke
PS-I must be feeling a little cynical today. But some of you diehard recovering codies will see the humor in this....I hope.
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Oh I so see the humor!!!!!!
Not only that, but IF the codie goes ahead and finds a meeting and then goes with the A to the meeting........................................... the next conversation will be that AA won't work for the A and it will be all C's fault because C did not find the right meeting. roflmao
You are NOT being cynical. We have all heard these same lines over and over and over in one form or another, until we finally had our 'AHA Moment.'
Thank you for the chuckle.
Love and hugs,
Not only that, but IF the codie goes ahead and finds a meeting and then goes with the A to the meeting........................................... the next conversation will be that AA won't work for the A and it will be all C's fault because C did not find the right meeting. roflmao
You are NOT being cynical. We have all heard these same lines over and over and over in one form or another, until we finally had our 'AHA Moment.'
Thank you for the chuckle.
Love and hugs,
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Kindeyes,
i love this. thank you so much. i really wish you would write the screenplay. it made me laugh, even though it is not "funny" at all.
it also made me realize how glad i am not to be a part of this theatre any more.
great job, Kindeyes. thanks again.
hugs and hope.
i love this. thank you so much. i really wish you would write the screenplay. it made me laugh, even though it is not "funny" at all.
it also made me realize how glad i am not to be a part of this theatre any more.
great job, Kindeyes. thanks again.
hugs and hope.
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Oh I so see the humor!!!!!!
Not only that, but IF the codie goes ahead and finds a meeting and then goes with the A to the meeting........................................... the next conversation will be that AA won't work for the A and it will be all C's fault because C did not find the right meeting. roflmao
You are NOT being cynical. We have all heard these same lines over and over and over in one form or another, until we finally had our 'AHA Moment.'
Thank you for the chuckle.
Love and hugs,
Not only that, but IF the codie goes ahead and finds a meeting and then goes with the A to the meeting........................................... the next conversation will be that AA won't work for the A and it will be all C's fault because C did not find the right meeting. roflmao
You are NOT being cynical. We have all heard these same lines over and over and over in one form or another, until we finally had our 'AHA Moment.'
Thank you for the chuckle.
Love and hugs,
Sometimes folks.....we have to laugh to keep from crying.
love you all
gentle hugs
ke
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I am living in the F.O.G. and reflecting how it triggers me. Thank you Kind Eyes, this type of analogy is exactly what I need. I am going to start a thread tomorrow after an "event" if it turns out I acted in a F.O.G. Still not sure if it is real or not.
Thank you
Teresa
Thank you
Teresa
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And sometimes it sounds like, "If I don't have my wife and kids by my side, I have no reason to get clean. You're just giving up on me like my birth mom/parents/friends. I knew you never loved me anyway."
*smh*
*smh*
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Originally Posted by beeswax
And sometimes it sounds like, "If I don't have my wife and kids by my side, I have no reason to get clean. You're just giving up on me like my birth mom/parents/friends. I knew you never loved me anyway."
*smh*
*smh*
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Yes. That's heavy on the guilt.
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Originally Posted by beeswax
Always. Fortunately, I'm at the point where I don't feel guilty any more. I'm not even mad, or sad right now. I'm just tired of it. Just done putting the DC & myself through the crap. I'm sure some day I'll be sad about it again and then I'll be able to grieve and move forward. But for now....
The guilt thing is huge.
The fear thing is huge.
And the "you owe it to me" obligation is huge.
Because it works.
gentle hugs
ke
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"Sometimes it seems that A's all work off the same script. I think there's a "How to Manipulate using Fear, Obligation, and Guilt" booklet out there."
Thank you for this Kindeyes! So what I see is even though My ABF is not using his behavior is still the same. Until he honestly goes through recovery..abstinence IS NOT Recovery...Right
Thank you for this Kindeyes! So what I see is even though My ABF is not using his behavior is still the same. Until he honestly goes through recovery..abstinence IS NOT Recovery...Right
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Originally Posted by JustBroken
"Sometimes it seems that A's all work off the same script. I think there's a "How to Manipulate using Fear, Obligation, and Guilt" booklet out there."
Thank you for this Kindeyes! So what I see is even though My ABF is not using his behavior is still the same. Until he honestly goes through recovery..abstinence IS NOT Recovery...Right
Thank you for this Kindeyes! So what I see is even though My ABF is not using his behavior is still the same. Until he honestly goes through recovery..abstinence IS NOT Recovery...Right
If these kinds of conversations are going on.......it will continue to make you feel crazy. This was just one script. There are many but they all seem to go in the same direction and use the same tactics. Until that dialogue changes....nothing changes.
My primary point with this script was not really to make fun of the damaging conversations that go on between addict and codependent but to put it down in writing so that we can see where we can change our part of the conversation. We can't change their part....we can change ours.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by catlovermi
I can SOOOOOOO see a dark humor Dilbert-like or Cathy-like comic book made of this material...
CLMI
CLMI
It's very hard loving an addict but love shouldn't be this difficult and damaging.
gentle hugs
ke
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I don't know. I think sometimes they really do mean what they say. Really, even though they are manipulating the hell out of us, think of how much worse they are manipulating themselves. Drugs do that to people. I guess that is what it all boils down to, the fact that the evil DOC has its hold on our addicts and won't let go until it kills them. That is a hard thing to fight with.
Not that I condone it in any way, I have been manipulated and lied to and stolen from and everything else just like everyone else, but I am also in school for this, and I know that the addict feels shame for all the pain they put everyone through which causes them to use yet again, even though THEY KNOW their DOC is the problem.
It's a horrible vicious cycle. Whether any of us want to admit it or not, we have the choice to walk away. They do not. They are still stuck with all of their demons no matter who they are with, what they are doing, what is going on.
If it were that easy to quit, it wouldn't be called addiction, right? It's a shame that we all allow them to hurt us while they are hurting themselves. That is the problem. They can't manipulate and use anyone if there is no one there to do it to.
Not that I condone it in any way, I have been manipulated and lied to and stolen from and everything else just like everyone else, but I am also in school for this, and I know that the addict feels shame for all the pain they put everyone through which causes them to use yet again, even though THEY KNOW their DOC is the problem.
It's a horrible vicious cycle. Whether any of us want to admit it or not, we have the choice to walk away. They do not. They are still stuck with all of their demons no matter who they are with, what they are doing, what is going on.
If it were that easy to quit, it wouldn't be called addiction, right? It's a shame that we all allow them to hurt us while they are hurting themselves. That is the problem. They can't manipulate and use anyone if there is no one there to do it to.
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inpieces
I agree with everything you said. However, if I allow that thinking in my head, I am trying to work the addict's issues, not my own. I need to leave that to professionals and the addict.
Their guilt, shame and addiction belongs to them. When I start to think about my son's guilt and shame, I'm done for. I'm hooked again. You see, I believe I'm an addict too (in a way). My addiction is 5'11", brown hair and dark brown eyes that sparkle when he smiles....oh....and the smile......it gets me every single time.
I love him. I have tremendous compassion for him as he struggles with his disease but I have to stop participating or this cycle goes on and on. These conversations continue. I need to address my addiction.....I can't be responsible for his because I have no control. Addiction is much bigger than me and much more powerful.
And thus my point is how can we change our end of the conversation? What does it look like? Where did the above conversation go haywire? How do we change our part in the play? What is true compassion? Do we need to have compassion for ourselves first before we can understand compassion for others? Is self sacrifice compassion or is that just martyrdom?
It is a horrible vicious cycle. And my addiction went on and on and on until I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Dealing with my addiction has been the toughest thing I've ever had to do. I pray daily that my son will have the courage to face his down too.
gentle hugs
ke
I agree with everything you said. However, if I allow that thinking in my head, I am trying to work the addict's issues, not my own. I need to leave that to professionals and the addict.
Their guilt, shame and addiction belongs to them. When I start to think about my son's guilt and shame, I'm done for. I'm hooked again. You see, I believe I'm an addict too (in a way). My addiction is 5'11", brown hair and dark brown eyes that sparkle when he smiles....oh....and the smile......it gets me every single time.
I love him. I have tremendous compassion for him as he struggles with his disease but I have to stop participating or this cycle goes on and on. These conversations continue. I need to address my addiction.....I can't be responsible for his because I have no control. Addiction is much bigger than me and much more powerful.
And thus my point is how can we change our end of the conversation? What does it look like? Where did the above conversation go haywire? How do we change our part in the play? What is true compassion? Do we need to have compassion for ourselves first before we can understand compassion for others? Is self sacrifice compassion or is that just martyrdom?
It is a horrible vicious cycle. And my addiction went on and on and on until I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Dealing with my addiction has been the toughest thing I've ever had to do. I pray daily that my son will have the courage to face his down too.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
inpieces
My addiction is 5'11", brown hair and dark brown eyes that sparkle when he smiles....oh....and the smile......it gets me every single time.
My addiction is 5'11", brown hair and dark brown eyes that sparkle when he smiles....oh....and the smile......it gets me every single time.
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I agree with you, I am just saying, sometimes, in the midst of all the horrible things that addicts do to us, we forget that they are human too. I don't put up with anything that my ex does to me, because I don't agree with any of it, I don't believe anything he says, and I don't trust him when he isn't around me. Which is never, now. But at the same time, I would never want to switch places with him. Sure, he doesn't take care of the kids or have any responsibilities or pay any bills, and it must be real nice, because I wouldn't know. But at the same time, he is so mentally sick, that my depression pales in comparison. At least I know who I am in the morning, at least I know where my kids are and I know that I will be around to see them grow up, at least I don't go to work wondering if today is finally the day they are sick of smelling liquor on me and fire me, at least I don't make 2000 bucks a month and wonder at the end of the month where it all went and why I have no money. I know who I am. He does not.
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the last F.O.G. & B. excuse that I heard was that we had had sex!!
yep, the endorphins released by our having had sex triggered him to go smoke crack.
ok...so I will admit that I have read some research that speaks to that similarity of reaction (sex/crack) but I stand by my deeply held recovery beliefs that there is just not any excuse to use. if there was nobody would be successful in recovery!!!
so...I guess the upside of his last excuse is that it makes it way way way easier to uphold my boundary. I will absolutely not allow my willingness to enjoy sex with a partner to be turned into an excuse to smoke crack!!!!!!
LOL
yep, the endorphins released by our having had sex triggered him to go smoke crack.
ok...so I will admit that I have read some research that speaks to that similarity of reaction (sex/crack) but I stand by my deeply held recovery beliefs that there is just not any excuse to use. if there was nobody would be successful in recovery!!!
so...I guess the upside of his last excuse is that it makes it way way way easier to uphold my boundary. I will absolutely not allow my willingness to enjoy sex with a partner to be turned into an excuse to smoke crack!!!!!!
LOL
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My daughter has had fairly long stretches of sobriety and recovery. It's beautiful and tortureous all at the same time.
While she is sober she is so beautiful, thoughtful, smart and ambitious.
And then....like an insideous worm......the signs of relapse start to appear.
She only uses the "if you loved me" card because....at one time....it worked.
Now, my response to her is......"Your addiction is whispering in your ear....and you know what you need to do"
While she is sober she is so beautiful, thoughtful, smart and ambitious.
And then....like an insideous worm......the signs of relapse start to appear.
She only uses the "if you loved me" card because....at one time....it worked.
Now, my response to her is......"Your addiction is whispering in your ear....and you know what you need to do"
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