back again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
back again
well, it's been a while, and i'm back again. just ended (or rather, was broken up with, technically) a relationship with a man. he had problems saying no to things...drugs, alcohol, he had problems with that in the past and in fact it landed him in chapter 13 bankruptcy.
but the main issue i couldn't get past was his lying. about anything and everything. about big things: he lied about having three children by two different women, about talking to and engaging with other women. about small things: where he was, what happened to his car, whether or not he went out on a certain night.
mostly disappointed that, after all the work i did getting over my XABF, and moving past codependency, and working on self esteem, here i am again, dealing with and trying to get over a sick person. here i am, left with the damages caused by a person so hell-bent on destroying another, whether intentionally or not.
i'm not exactly sure if it's appropriate for this board, but i had to get it out somewhere. just dealing with all the confusion. of why he lied? of why he would want to sabotage a good relationship with someone who loved and understood him? or why he would want to live a life of lies? i guess he's happier in the delusion.
but the main issue i couldn't get past was his lying. about anything and everything. about big things: he lied about having three children by two different women, about talking to and engaging with other women. about small things: where he was, what happened to his car, whether or not he went out on a certain night.
mostly disappointed that, after all the work i did getting over my XABF, and moving past codependency, and working on self esteem, here i am again, dealing with and trying to get over a sick person. here i am, left with the damages caused by a person so hell-bent on destroying another, whether intentionally or not.
i'm not exactly sure if it's appropriate for this board, but i had to get it out somewhere. just dealing with all the confusion. of why he lied? of why he would want to sabotage a good relationship with someone who loved and understood him? or why he would want to live a life of lies? i guess he's happier in the delusion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
After my lie-filled relationship with my XABF, I plan to move very slow in the dating world in the future. And honestly, I've considered that, if I really start to get involved with a guy, I may very well pay a P.I. to do a brief background check, ie, criminal record, marriage/divorce record, and bankruptcy. There is no way I'm getting involved with a hot mess like the ex again if I can help it. He had legal/financial issues that it took a very long time for me to find out about. Also, I should've insisted we spent time with his friends, because they might have clued me in. As it was, in 2.5 years, he never let me meet any of his friends but one, on a single occasion. Looking back, that is just weird.
Try not to dwell on things about this guy too much, you'll never know why he lied--just focus on how to move forward in a way that helps you find healthier relationships.
Try not to dwell on things about this guy too much, you'll never know why he lied--just focus on how to move forward in a way that helps you find healthier relationships.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
The last relationship I was in, before this one, destroyed me. Completely.
He was not (and still is not to this day) an addict.
My current ex used to talk about how he hurt me and ruined me and everything else.
I would probably take the first loser over him. Because I obviously know how I handled that situation. And to go through it all over again, quite frankly, terrifies me. I was not in a good place for a long time, and he was completely normal. Whatever that means.
It's funny to say that he is so much worse than you are, when you did the same thing to me. It may not be exactly the same, but my heart doesn't know the difference. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter what it is disguised as.
So yeah, I definitely know what you are talking about.
He was not (and still is not to this day) an addict.
My current ex used to talk about how he hurt me and ruined me and everything else.
I would probably take the first loser over him. Because I obviously know how I handled that situation. And to go through it all over again, quite frankly, terrifies me. I was not in a good place for a long time, and he was completely normal. Whatever that means.
It's funny to say that he is so much worse than you are, when you did the same thing to me. It may not be exactly the same, but my heart doesn't know the difference. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter what it is disguised as.
So yeah, I definitely know what you are talking about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
the sad thing is it's making me question my beliefs. this relationship has completely shaken me up. i used to think that trust and respect in a relationship were a given. one can't exist without the other. how can you have a relationship without trust?? perhaps i didn't FULLY believe that, since i somehow managed to invite this mess into my life, but i believed it on some level.
but now i'm beginning to find that this isn't necessarily the case. people live with lies, deceit and infidelity in their relationships every day, yet continue on. it seemed like, to me, that he just wanted to find someone who would either not find out about his lies, or just live with them if he got caught. how? am i just to expect the worst? will i never find a truthful person who will respect me?
but now i'm beginning to find that this isn't necessarily the case. people live with lies, deceit and infidelity in their relationships every day, yet continue on. it seemed like, to me, that he just wanted to find someone who would either not find out about his lies, or just live with them if he got caught. how? am i just to expect the worst? will i never find a truthful person who will respect me?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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If you are truthful to yourself and respect yourself, that is enough.
I went 5 years without being in a relationship when I got into this last one. I now regret it, because those 5 years, I was far from happy, but I didn't have to trust someone else that I knew couldn't be trusted. Trust is a huge thing with me. I knew what I was doing and who I was with and who wasn't in my house while I wasn't there. Being in a relationship is something totally different. It is too hard to be in one with someone who proves to you over and over that they cannot be trusted. I do not know how people do it. What I think is, they don't trust or love themselves enough to realize that they deserve better, alcoholism or not.
I went 5 years without being in a relationship when I got into this last one. I now regret it, because those 5 years, I was far from happy, but I didn't have to trust someone else that I knew couldn't be trusted. Trust is a huge thing with me. I knew what I was doing and who I was with and who wasn't in my house while I wasn't there. Being in a relationship is something totally different. It is too hard to be in one with someone who proves to you over and over that they cannot be trusted. I do not know how people do it. What I think is, they don't trust or love themselves enough to realize that they deserve better, alcoholism or not.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
The lies are ridiculous. I remember once, years ago when we were still together, my XAH left to go golf while I was taking care of our daughter. Daughter and I went out to the store, and on our way back we were 2 cars behind his on the road. My cell phone rang, it was him, stating that the course was busy and he was getting ready to tee off on hole 7. I said really? because I am behind you on the road. He denied it even then until I pulled up next to him. He sped off. Came home I don't know how many hours later, and of course, it wasn't his fault that he lied to me and got caught. It was my fault. If I was nicer, cleaned better, cooked better, then he wouldn't have to lie.
That was one of the little ones.
That was one of the little ones.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by queenie88 
mostly disappointed that, after all the work i did getting over my XABF, and moving past codependency, and working on self esteem, here i am again, dealing with and trying to get over a sick person. here i am, left with the damages caused by a person so hell-bent on destroying another, whether intentionally or not.
" I do not do relationships with active or newly recovering alcoholics/addicts" is a boundary. It does not seek to control other people. It's my responsibility to enforce my boundary and remove myself from the situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
and when we broke up (technically, when he dumped me, even though i had been talking about how i was done, just hadn't done anything about it) he actually said that our relationship had become toxic, that he wanted a healthy relationship. that so much of our relationship was me getting mad at him and making him feel bad, and he had held on for as long as he could.
i said to him: "if you really wanted a healthy relationship, why did you base it on lies??"
he had no answer to that, but continued to believe he was in the right.
i said to him: "if you really wanted a healthy relationship, why did you base it on lies??"
he had no answer to that, but continued to believe he was in the right.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I want to slap myself silly when I remember that one of the first things I had said about my XABF was that he was honest and told the truth. The only truths he knew were the ones he used to belittle, hurt, keep me down and punish me with. Other than that I don't think he ever had any real truth to tell.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11
About those "truths". it's amazing how they can belittle you and then still want to love you and be there and you are supposed to just accept their apology and get over it because "they didn't mean it". Then it's my fault if I remember all the painful things done and said. I am carrying grudges.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Yeah, I love the, "You are going to hold that against me for the rest of my life."
Yup, and that, and that, and THAT....
because if it were me, he would do the same.
And I always thought, maybe I do need to get over the past. Maybe he really doesn't remember. BUT, he continues to do stuff NOW that is WORSE!
Yup, and that, and that, and THAT....
because if it were me, he would do the same.
And I always thought, maybe I do need to get over the past. Maybe he really doesn't remember. BUT, he continues to do stuff NOW that is WORSE!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I remember you.
Cut your losses and keep working on you...
I have also hung out with someone very negative lately and just now that I changed my mobile number and havenīt notified him I realize how much noise he was adding.
By now I know there are self destructive beliefs I hold in my unconscious and only a therapist will help me not to get stuck in them. Mere rational realization wonīt solve a thing for me.
Hugs!!
Tc999
Cut your losses and keep working on you...
I have also hung out with someone very negative lately and just now that I changed my mobile number and havenīt notified him I realize how much noise he was adding.
By now I know there are self destructive beliefs I hold in my unconscious and only a therapist will help me not to get stuck in them. Mere rational realization wonīt solve a thing for me.
Hugs!!
Tc999
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
As an adult child of an alcoholic one of the symptoms is lying even when you don't have to. In my case it came about from dealing with my AF. My job was to guess what he wanted to hear and then say that. If you didn't you got punished. The truth had nothing to do with it and lying became a reflex. Not an easy habit to break.
Living in a home like that there is no truth.
Your friend,
Living in a home like that there is no truth.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
i just found out from one of his friends about an incident where he cheated on me. yet nobody decided to tell me anything. even though it was not news to me, as i had found out about other incidents, it still cuts deep.
i just feel like such a fool.
i just feel like such a fool.
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