Fiancee in denial of her problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
Fiancee in denial of her problem
Hello, all. I am a newcomer to SoberRecovery. I am looking for some advice on how to interact with my fiancee, who is an alcoholic.
We met back in January. At that time, I knew she had just been released from a hospital for depression and alcoholism. The doctors put her on Librium, Klonopin, Restoril, and Prozac. She was hospitalized for 9 days and released.
For the first few weeks of our relationship, everything was apparently fine. She was sober and happy, and back to being an awesome mom (she has a small child). Then, at the end of February, she told me "You know, we're adults. We ought to be able to have a glass of wine at the end of a hard week." I, knowing nothing about alcoholism, thought that this would be okay since she assured me her drinking was due to depression, which was now being treated. She also told me that with me, she was happier than she had ever been in her life.
Well, that one bottle turned into two bottles one weekend. Then it turned in to needing a beer (one of those 16-oz Keystone Lights you can get at gas stations) to get through the day. At the same time (due to the drinking, now I know), her anti-anxiety medication stopped working. She began to have visible tremors in her hands that were so severe that she couldn't put on makeup. She tried to get her medication refilled (she did not tell her doctors about the drinking), but they decided to switch her to another, non-benzo medication cold turkey). That led to the situation that, in order to function, she needed alcohol, which stopped the shaking. I enabled her addiction by buying her beer to stop her from shaking, since her ID was expired. She convinced me that drinking a beer was just like taking a pill, only it had a stigma associated with it. I went along with all of this, naively believing her when she said she had things under control.
Finally, she had a panic attack so severe that she was afraid to be alone with her son. So, I arranged for her mother to take care of her son while she stayed with me for a week. We looked into outpatient detox, but that was not going to be feasible given my work schedule (the program requires someone to drive the person to detox and stay with them 24 hours a day for 5 days). So, we tried detoxing naturally with vitamin supplements and tapering off the beer. On her first day without booze, she had two seizures that landed her in the ER. In the ER, they gave her Librium again and sent her on her way. The following day, she got a new 20-day prescription for Klonopin, which is due to run out soon.
This weekend, after 7 days of sobriety, she said, "You know, we ought to try to drink again. Last time we didn't do it right. We started with wine. We need to start with beer." That sent me over the edge. I tried to remind her of the painful detox she had just endured, but she said that it wouldn't come to that point again.
Her denial of the problem made me angry, and I told her that I would no longer enable her drinking. I told her I wouldn't buy a drop of alcohol for her, and that I didn't want to associate with her if she continued to drink. She told me that I was overreacting and that I was the one with the problem. Last weekend was a living hell. We both barely said a word to each other, and when we did, she was yelling at me about how I was being "holier than thou" and unreasonable.
She is vehemently opposed to AA. She has gone to meetings and argues that AA members have just replaced one addiction for another. Instead of drinking they go to meetings and talk about how much they used to drink. She believes that she can quit with sheer will power (she used to take other hard drugs including coke and meth, and she got off of those herself).
For the last few days, we have been taking care of her son, so all the attention is focused on him. Now tonight he goes to his dad's house, and it'll be just her and me. I'm afraid that we're going to get into a fight about her drinking again.
I feel a bit hopeless right now, and I just need some advice. I've heard about Al-Anon, and if she mentions drinking again, I'm going to tell her I'm going. But I can anticipate her response: "Your going to that only makes me want to drink more. You're really making this more than it is." We've tried going to therapy, but the therapist insists she go to AA before she begins to work with us.
Another thing she could throw in my face is that I take antidepressants. She could say, "Well, you need antidepressants to function. I need alcohol. What's the difference? A drug is a drug."
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to tell someone. I need some help.
We met back in January. At that time, I knew she had just been released from a hospital for depression and alcoholism. The doctors put her on Librium, Klonopin, Restoril, and Prozac. She was hospitalized for 9 days and released.
For the first few weeks of our relationship, everything was apparently fine. She was sober and happy, and back to being an awesome mom (she has a small child). Then, at the end of February, she told me "You know, we're adults. We ought to be able to have a glass of wine at the end of a hard week." I, knowing nothing about alcoholism, thought that this would be okay since she assured me her drinking was due to depression, which was now being treated. She also told me that with me, she was happier than she had ever been in her life.
Well, that one bottle turned into two bottles one weekend. Then it turned in to needing a beer (one of those 16-oz Keystone Lights you can get at gas stations) to get through the day. At the same time (due to the drinking, now I know), her anti-anxiety medication stopped working. She began to have visible tremors in her hands that were so severe that she couldn't put on makeup. She tried to get her medication refilled (she did not tell her doctors about the drinking), but they decided to switch her to another, non-benzo medication cold turkey). That led to the situation that, in order to function, she needed alcohol, which stopped the shaking. I enabled her addiction by buying her beer to stop her from shaking, since her ID was expired. She convinced me that drinking a beer was just like taking a pill, only it had a stigma associated with it. I went along with all of this, naively believing her when she said she had things under control.
Finally, she had a panic attack so severe that she was afraid to be alone with her son. So, I arranged for her mother to take care of her son while she stayed with me for a week. We looked into outpatient detox, but that was not going to be feasible given my work schedule (the program requires someone to drive the person to detox and stay with them 24 hours a day for 5 days). So, we tried detoxing naturally with vitamin supplements and tapering off the beer. On her first day without booze, she had two seizures that landed her in the ER. In the ER, they gave her Librium again and sent her on her way. The following day, she got a new 20-day prescription for Klonopin, which is due to run out soon.
This weekend, after 7 days of sobriety, she said, "You know, we ought to try to drink again. Last time we didn't do it right. We started with wine. We need to start with beer." That sent me over the edge. I tried to remind her of the painful detox she had just endured, but she said that it wouldn't come to that point again.
Her denial of the problem made me angry, and I told her that I would no longer enable her drinking. I told her I wouldn't buy a drop of alcohol for her, and that I didn't want to associate with her if she continued to drink. She told me that I was overreacting and that I was the one with the problem. Last weekend was a living hell. We both barely said a word to each other, and when we did, she was yelling at me about how I was being "holier than thou" and unreasonable.
She is vehemently opposed to AA. She has gone to meetings and argues that AA members have just replaced one addiction for another. Instead of drinking they go to meetings and talk about how much they used to drink. She believes that she can quit with sheer will power (she used to take other hard drugs including coke and meth, and she got off of those herself).
For the last few days, we have been taking care of her son, so all the attention is focused on him. Now tonight he goes to his dad's house, and it'll be just her and me. I'm afraid that we're going to get into a fight about her drinking again.
I feel a bit hopeless right now, and I just need some advice. I've heard about Al-Anon, and if she mentions drinking again, I'm going to tell her I'm going. But I can anticipate her response: "Your going to that only makes me want to drink more. You're really making this more than it is." We've tried going to therapy, but the therapist insists she go to AA before she begins to work with us.
Another thing she could throw in my face is that I take antidepressants. She could say, "Well, you need antidepressants to function. I need alcohol. What's the difference? A drug is a drug."
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to tell someone. I need some help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
ksam,
I am a female alcoholic and a drug addict. I went to rehab when I was 35, quit drinking for 8 years, drank, quit drinking for 9 years, drank for 4 years and now I am sober for 8 months. I am telling you this so that you will know my dubious "credentials". Whatever.
Your fiancee is in real trouble, obviously. You taking antidepressants is absolutely no big deal - I take them and so do many of my friends. For her to hold that against you is cruel. This sounds harsh, but I think the best way to go would be to tell her this has to stop right now - break up with her until she gets serious about getting her act together. I know that sounds mean - but she needs something bad to happen as a result of her behavior. She has no interest in stopping right now, or so it appears. She is mistaking your compassion for weakness. I think you may be getting used. I hate that....you sound like such a good guy. But unless you want to continue living like you are now (which sounds like hell) you need to make a bold move to change things. Thank goodness she has a mom that hopefully will take care of her and her son. Oh, and alcoholism and addiction in progressive. It never gets better until a person stops drinking/using. I am sorry. I feel badly writing this to you, but you deserve to be happy. And she needs to try harder....trust me, I know how hard it is to quit - but she needs to get serious and fast. Take care of yourself.
I am a female alcoholic and a drug addict. I went to rehab when I was 35, quit drinking for 8 years, drank, quit drinking for 9 years, drank for 4 years and now I am sober for 8 months. I am telling you this so that you will know my dubious "credentials". Whatever.
Your fiancee is in real trouble, obviously. You taking antidepressants is absolutely no big deal - I take them and so do many of my friends. For her to hold that against you is cruel. This sounds harsh, but I think the best way to go would be to tell her this has to stop right now - break up with her until she gets serious about getting her act together. I know that sounds mean - but she needs something bad to happen as a result of her behavior. She has no interest in stopping right now, or so it appears. She is mistaking your compassion for weakness. I think you may be getting used. I hate that....you sound like such a good guy. But unless you want to continue living like you are now (which sounds like hell) you need to make a bold move to change things. Thank goodness she has a mom that hopefully will take care of her and her son. Oh, and alcoholism and addiction in progressive. It never gets better until a person stops drinking/using. I am sorry. I feel badly writing this to you, but you deserve to be happy. And she needs to try harder....trust me, I know how hard it is to quit - but she needs to get serious and fast. Take care of yourself.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Sounds like me......and a lot like my story with my ex-wife (I was the drinker). I was in denial AND in delusion about my reality. I said similar things about AA too. I'd been before, sure as hell didn't want to be part of THAT crowd, so I convinced myself of all kinds of fallacies that enabled me to avoid it.
That my friend.......is a lie. Don't buy into it......and she's gonna make is sound convincing. I could make it sound convincing back in my drinking days. I sure didn't want anyone getting educated on drinking and then be properly armed to call me on my BS. Heck, I probably USED that same darn line.....lol
Alanon is probably not what you think anymore than AA is what she's saying it's about. I'd think Alanon exists to teach friends/family of alcoholics how to deal with the alcoholic..... a good Alanon meeting is NOT going to even begin to try to do that. What they DO do is teach you how to make better decisions that you can live with, how to live with those decisions, and how to enjoy YOUR life. A healthy meeting in Alanon is focused on YOU, not the alcoholic.........just as a healthy AA meeting is focused on AA's solution to alcoholism......not on alcoholic drinking.
I'd UUUUUUURGE you to check a couple meetings out.... I can tell you what I'D do if I were in your shoes......but I doubt you'll like hearing it much (and I doubt you'd think it was very helpful but, instead, pretty negative). I'm different than you and though your story was detailed, maybe if I WERE you I'd do the exact same things you're doing. There's a friends and family section here on SR. For sure put up a post down there and ask about alanon - get some direction from ppl who are having success with it.
"Your going to that only makes me want to drink more. You're really making this more than it is."
Alanon is probably not what you think anymore than AA is what she's saying it's about. I'd think Alanon exists to teach friends/family of alcoholics how to deal with the alcoholic..... a good Alanon meeting is NOT going to even begin to try to do that. What they DO do is teach you how to make better decisions that you can live with, how to live with those decisions, and how to enjoy YOUR life. A healthy meeting in Alanon is focused on YOU, not the alcoholic.........just as a healthy AA meeting is focused on AA's solution to alcoholism......not on alcoholic drinking.
I'd UUUUUUURGE you to check a couple meetings out.... I can tell you what I'D do if I were in your shoes......but I doubt you'll like hearing it much (and I doubt you'd think it was very helpful but, instead, pretty negative). I'm different than you and though your story was detailed, maybe if I WERE you I'd do the exact same things you're doing. There's a friends and family section here on SR. For sure put up a post down there and ask about alanon - get some direction from ppl who are having success with it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
Welcome to SR, ksam. You will find a lot of support here. We have a "Friends and Family" forum where you will find many people who are dealing with, or have dealt with, the same things you are. I hope you will post there and read the stories of others who are in relationships with alcoholics. I've posted the link below...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you met this woman as she was recovering in January, it's now mid-April, she's relapsed, had seizures, ER, detox, and is playing the blame game, she has no ID???...wow, that is a whirl-wind courtship. sounds like a nightmare! she is scamming you and most likely lying about how much she really drank
I agree, RUN, RUN AWAY FAST NOW
I hope her child goes to live in a stable environment.
in 3 months I doubt she has shown you her true self.
I agree, RUN, RUN AWAY FAST NOW
I hope her child goes to live in a stable environment.
in 3 months I doubt she has shown you her true self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
I appreciate everyone's quick responses. I had a hunch that many would say to leave her. But I'm not prepared to do that yet, and thus I haven't threatened to. The thing is, I met her when she was sober and something just clicked. I've been in relationships before, but I never felt more connected to anyone. I truly love her, and I have grown to love her son. She doesn't live with me, but we've found a way to spend some of every day together. She's told me about her past, and it's been rocky (abusive relationships, etc). But I feel there is, at her core, goodness and decency. That is why I want to help her fight this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
all the help in the world that you offer won't do a thing if she still thinks she can drink differently than she did before. this has to come from her, not you.
you met her when she was newly sober, but you haven't lived with her or known her long-term, you've only seen what she's shown you. This woman won't even tell the truth to her doctor???
you don't get that sick from drinking 2 bottles of wine shared with 2 people over a weekend...(at least I didn't, IDK, it doesn't sound feasible)
there is a friends/family forum that you might find good support and lots of experience (oops, Suki already suggested that).
you met her when she was newly sober, but you haven't lived with her or known her long-term, you've only seen what she's shown you. This woman won't even tell the truth to her doctor???
you don't get that sick from drinking 2 bottles of wine shared with 2 people over a weekend...(at least I didn't, IDK, it doesn't sound feasible)
there is a friends/family forum that you might find good support and lots of experience (oops, Suki already suggested that).
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome to SR!
Have you considered Al Anon?
On the other hand, she is your fiancee after only 4 months, isn't that bit too quick to decide if you are truly compatible? There's a Friends and Family Forum if you scroll down from the Newcomer's Forum.
Best wishes,
Have you considered Al Anon?
On the other hand, she is your fiancee after only 4 months, isn't that bit too quick to decide if you are truly compatible? There's a Friends and Family Forum if you scroll down from the Newcomer's Forum.
Best wishes,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
Please understand that most addicts have goodness and decency at their core. There are many parents of addicts who post here, so they know how their children were raised and how sweet and loving they can be. If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
To be blunt, it does not sound like your fiance is ready to quit drinking. It doesn't really matter what you say or what you do, until she is ready, nothing is going to work. You really have nothing to do with it at all. You can't help her fight this, because it sounds like you would be the only one fighting. She isn't ready. Nothing you do can make her ready. It is something that has to come from inside her.
So, you can't save her, but you can save yourself, but just like her, nothing will change until you are ready. It doesn't sound like you are there yet, either. I do hope you will attend al-anon meetings, and do so for yourself, not as a threat to her.
To be blunt, it does not sound like your fiance is ready to quit drinking. It doesn't really matter what you say or what you do, until she is ready, nothing is going to work. You really have nothing to do with it at all. You can't help her fight this, because it sounds like you would be the only one fighting. She isn't ready. Nothing you do can make her ready. It is something that has to come from inside her.
So, you can't save her, but you can save yourself, but just like her, nothing will change until you are ready. It doesn't sound like you are there yet, either. I do hope you will attend al-anon meetings, and do so for yourself, not as a threat to her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
I completely agree that until us alcys are ready we wont quit. She sounds miiiiiles from being ready, it still took me 18 months to quit after I realized I needed too but she still thinks her drinking is ok even after all shes been through. To get to seizure point my guess is she is drinking way more than she says.
I'd run for the hills hun, u sound too nice to have to worry about this after 4 months
I'd run for the hills hun, u sound too nice to have to worry about this after 4 months
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Obviously none of us can answer this stuff, but only speak from experience. What really stood out to me in your post was the number of times you typed "we". Tiny little word really.. but huge in the scheme of things. If you're determined to stay with an alcoholic who isn't done drinking yet, I sure hope you consider alanon.. if for any other reason than to work on YOU (that's what it's for). I feel really bad for this poor kid growing up in this situation, but that always tears me up anyways and isn't what you posted about really.
When we (addicts) are ready to recover, we (us addicts again) are willing to do anything. She is flat out saying she wants to drink, so there's really not a question about whether she wants to or not. You're not part of her addiction, or her recovery. You can't 'make' her drink, or stop drinking. None of us are that powerful. Recovery is an incredibly powerful and intimate experience that truly can't be shared.. especially with someone who isn't an addict.. (that's a good thing! You can get yourself healthy, figure out what you want with life, draw up some boundaries around living with an active drunk, etc.. ).
Hope you visit the friends and family board.
Don't get turned off by the "RUN!" posts.. it's hard.. a lot of us have been through the terrors of this stuff many times over, and wish so much that we could go back to our younger self and scream that word over and over again. But we can't.. so we react here sometimes hoping that we could in some way save someone else from the pain we've felt.. (like the true 'fixers' we think we are).
When we (addicts) are ready to recover, we (us addicts again) are willing to do anything. She is flat out saying she wants to drink, so there's really not a question about whether she wants to or not. You're not part of her addiction, or her recovery. You can't 'make' her drink, or stop drinking. None of us are that powerful. Recovery is an incredibly powerful and intimate experience that truly can't be shared.. especially with someone who isn't an addict.. (that's a good thing! You can get yourself healthy, figure out what you want with life, draw up some boundaries around living with an active drunk, etc.. ).
Hope you visit the friends and family board.
Don't get turned off by the "RUN!" posts.. it's hard.. a lot of us have been through the terrors of this stuff many times over, and wish so much that we could go back to our younger self and scream that word over and over again. But we can't.. so we react here sometimes hoping that we could in some way save someone else from the pain we've felt.. (like the true 'fixers' we think we are).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
Speaking as an alcoholic;
We don't get better until we want to. Nothing, not love, fear or pain will make us quit until we want to. We will rationalize every disgraceful behavior to keep the precious stream flowing. The most important thing in any addicts life is their addiction.
That being said;
When I crashed and burned, I checked myself into a rehab. Drank my last beer as I drove myself there, (How's that for alcoholic bona fides?) , and finally started getting honest about what I had been doing to myself. I put my wife, of 18 months, through some very tough times. She was spared the worst of it because I live out of town during the work week but it was not a nice period for her...the end of my drinking career.
Initially, I got sober for her. Not myself. Eight months later, with my mind a bit clearer, I'm maintaining my sobriety for myself and she's receiving the ancillary benefits of having a sane and sober husband. I could not have gotten sober without her love and support.
You need to decide what you're willing to do. Don't be a martyr. No extra points for suffering.
I will, however, make the observation that truly well meaning people will tell you their story and not offer normative statements about what you SHOULD do.
God bless you, friend. I hope I've helped.
We don't get better until we want to. Nothing, not love, fear or pain will make us quit until we want to. We will rationalize every disgraceful behavior to keep the precious stream flowing. The most important thing in any addicts life is their addiction.
That being said;
When I crashed and burned, I checked myself into a rehab. Drank my last beer as I drove myself there, (How's that for alcoholic bona fides?) , and finally started getting honest about what I had been doing to myself. I put my wife, of 18 months, through some very tough times. She was spared the worst of it because I live out of town during the work week but it was not a nice period for her...the end of my drinking career.
Initially, I got sober for her. Not myself. Eight months later, with my mind a bit clearer, I'm maintaining my sobriety for myself and she's receiving the ancillary benefits of having a sane and sober husband. I could not have gotten sober without her love and support.
You need to decide what you're willing to do. Don't be a martyr. No extra points for suffering.
I will, however, make the observation that truly well meaning people will tell you their story and not offer normative statements about what you SHOULD do.
God bless you, friend. I hope I've helped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone for your willingness to listen to (well, read) what I had to say. I definitely think Al-Anon is the way to go. There is a meeting here locally that I can easily get to.
And I will check out the Friends and Family forum as well. If nothing else, it's nice to know that others have gone through this and felt the pain and heartbreak that I feel sometimes.
Thanks again everyone.
And I will check out the Friends and Family forum as well. If nothing else, it's nice to know that others have gone through this and felt the pain and heartbreak that I feel sometimes.
Thanks again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Having a good deal to do with benzos, I suspect your fiancee's seizures could, and I repeat could since I'm not a doctor, have a lot to do with the benzo detox.
I can't and won't offer any relationship advice, other to say that as an alcoholic and addict, I took hostages, not partners. Your love for her roars throughout your post.
Others have said that an alcoholic can't get sober for anyone but themselves...not even for a child... that is the sad but hard truth.
I pray your fiancee finds sobriety for herself, but as others have posted, it's that nagging addictive voice telling her a beer won't hurt, it was the wine she has to avoid, or vodka is a true alcoholics drink of choice and she hates vodka...whatever.
As far as her AA experience, the program is far more than a bunch of former drunks sitting around talking about drinking. Maybe she could try a women's meeting, one that addresses alcoholism, not rehashing drinking days.
I can't and won't offer any relationship advice, other to say that as an alcoholic and addict, I took hostages, not partners. Your love for her roars throughout your post.
Others have said that an alcoholic can't get sober for anyone but themselves...not even for a child... that is the sad but hard truth.
I pray your fiancee finds sobriety for herself, but as others have posted, it's that nagging addictive voice telling her a beer won't hurt, it was the wine she has to avoid, or vodka is a true alcoholics drink of choice and she hates vodka...whatever.
As far as her AA experience, the program is far more than a bunch of former drunks sitting around talking about drinking. Maybe she could try a women's meeting, one that addresses alcoholism, not rehashing drinking days.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Alcoholics are master manipulators and rationalizers. I know I was. If my husband hadn't been a drinker too, I don't know how he would have managed to put up with me.
I'm not going to give you relationship advice because I'm not walking in your shoes. I can tell how much you love this woman, and I can see myself in what you say about her. But I also know that an alcoholic will not get sober until they want to, and they have to want to do it for themselves, not for anyone else. From what I read, she still wants to drink and she has a million rationalizations for doing so. If she's not ready to quit and this behavior continues, you're in for a long and possibly difficult road, and the worst thing you could do is to become an enabler/co-dependent, because that will only prolong her drinking and your agony. Unconditional love can sometimes be a liability for both the alcoholic and the ones who love them.
Al-Anon is a really good choice and you'll receive a lot of support there. I think it will be very enlightening to hear the stories of other people who are living with alcoholics/addicts. It may very well help you to see what your future could be like if you stay with this woman. Don't get me wrong, there is always hope that an alcoholic can get sober. I never thought I would, and never thought my husband would either. Just keep in mind that many of us have to put ourselves and the ones we love through a living hell before we finally make that decision. Are you willing to stand by her no matter how bad it might get? How much are you willing to take before you can't take any more? Those are good questions to be asking yourself at this point.
It's not easy loving an alcoholic. You're finding that out from first-hand experience. I hope you make the right decisions for both her and for yourself. God bless.
I'm not going to give you relationship advice because I'm not walking in your shoes. I can tell how much you love this woman, and I can see myself in what you say about her. But I also know that an alcoholic will not get sober until they want to, and they have to want to do it for themselves, not for anyone else. From what I read, she still wants to drink and she has a million rationalizations for doing so. If she's not ready to quit and this behavior continues, you're in for a long and possibly difficult road, and the worst thing you could do is to become an enabler/co-dependent, because that will only prolong her drinking and your agony. Unconditional love can sometimes be a liability for both the alcoholic and the ones who love them.
Al-Anon is a really good choice and you'll receive a lot of support there. I think it will be very enlightening to hear the stories of other people who are living with alcoholics/addicts. It may very well help you to see what your future could be like if you stay with this woman. Don't get me wrong, there is always hope that an alcoholic can get sober. I never thought I would, and never thought my husband would either. Just keep in mind that many of us have to put ourselves and the ones we love through a living hell before we finally make that decision. Are you willing to stand by her no matter how bad it might get? How much are you willing to take before you can't take any more? Those are good questions to be asking yourself at this point.
It's not easy loving an alcoholic. You're finding that out from first-hand experience. I hope you make the right decisions for both her and for yourself. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Seem like a handful which I don't know you can handle. If she is not ready to change then you can't say or do anything to change her mind. It's up to her do want to stop drinking.
Are you sure you want to married her because you will be dealing with this the hold time your married if she does not want to stop or even try to stop.
Are you sure you want to married her because you will be dealing with this the hold time your married if she does not want to stop or even try to stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters 
I guess I'm just trying to make sense out of why you would "choose" this girl. It's like walking into the car dealer and looking past the low mileage late models in front to the dented, scratched and sputtering used car at the back of the lot and saying "I want that one".
If you think you can "fix" her, it ain't gunna happen. (assuming your original post is accurate)
I wish you the best.
Bob R
If you think you can "fix" her, it ain't gunna happen. (assuming your original post is accurate)
I wish you the best.
Bob R
I have never had to deal with alcoholism before. There is something in my genetics that helps me avoid that addiction, I guess (I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to provide additional information). I used to drink occasionally with friends, and have gotten stumbling drunk several times in the past, but I have never felt an urge to drink. I have recently vowed to never drink again simply because it's caused me too much heartache as of late, and I really don't like hangovers. The idea of craving alcohol, of sacrificing an otherwise happy and loving relationship to get drunk, is something that I just can't understand. Hopefully, I'll gain some insight at the Al-Anon meeting I'm going to on Tuesday.
Are there "types" of alcoholics? I ask because she doesn't seem to be the type of drunk that I read about a lot on this site, the type that disappears for hours or days, or who stumbles around yelling and saying hurtful things before passing out. When she's drinking, she just seems like a normal, happy person. The problem is that the alcohol plus the anti-anxiety meds causes the latter to stop working.
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