hypochondriac

How do people reconcile their new sober selves to their past lives?

I'm not talking about keeping it, sober me will fit in much better with my present life and most of my old friends will probably be delighted and relieved to hear I've given up drinking. But me, myself...mainly I'm just embarrassed. I want to go through all my pics on facebook and delete the ones with huge glasses of booze and a drunken glare... and I think I avoided seeing an old friend who I see maybe once a year because I knew that as soon as I mentioned I wasn't drinking it would bring up stories of when I made a complete dick of myself and isn't it good I don't drink anymore... I almost convinced myself that I was worried about other peoples reaction but really I just want to draw a line under all that stuff and pretend it never happened.

But you can't right? I'm happy accepting that I'll never drink again but am having trouble with accepting that my formative years plus a decade were spent drunk.

I'm only 6 weeks sober but I figure that this isn't the sort of thing that is solved with time.

Any thoughts?

LoftyIdeals

What's worked for me is a stream of the drunken memories; a lot of which "came back" at about 3 or 4 months. So, there was a new "shame" to recall to keep me humble. But, I work that in tangent with AA, which helps me to understand, forgive and move on. So, I don't wish to erase the memories, as they help keep me sober. When I suppress them, I am more likely to go back and drink. For me, there's kind of a precarious balance, like in religion, where many believe they are simultaneously sinner and saint.

The good part? Most others memories of our mistakes will fade faster than our own. And most people are forgiving of our human folly. Hang in there, hypochondriac. You seem to be on a solid path! Great question.

Anna

Yes, I do think time will help a lot.

I had the same problem and wanted to re-do the few years when I put myself and my drinking before everything else. It's really hard to accept that you can't do that. The thing that helps me is to remember that I needed to learn from what I went through. I needed that knowledge to help me grow as a person. It was a very hard lesson, but many of us have to go through a lot to learn what we need to know. And, I have learned to 'try' to listen to my soul before it needs to hit me upside the head.

ReadyAndAble

I know what you mean, hypo. Even worse than the public embarrassments are the private ones—all the times I pulled my daughter away from the playground early so I could get home to a drink, or woke up hungover and faked my way through the whole morning, hating every second, annoyed by everything and everyone. Ugh. But you know what? I've come to terms with the bad times. Because all the misery and regret was the fuel that propelled me into recovery. And it's played a huge part in shaping who I am now. The parent who is 100% focused on his kid when we're together. The guy who wakes up feeling grateful just to be here. How do I separate the present from the past, when the past is what led me here?

Besides, a good story involves not just a happy ending, but the trials and tribulations that precede it. Focus on how your story ends, and ultimately you'll view the beginning in a very different light.

Zencat

Oh yes sober regrets are so unnecessary for me at least. The car that I borrowed for that late night run..wrecked and twisted. The one more "get a bag" police confiscated as I detox in the local jail...So totally not worth it.

But yes it is the "other" regrets that add up. Disappointment loved ones because I promised this fu^k up would be the last. The missed appointments that I waqs going to be there...ah such deceit. Yep all the places to be except the place that was, was a lie.

sugarbear1

I try to keep the focus on today. It's not always easy and my memory does mess with me, but if I stay in the moment, then life is more precious.

Congratulations on 6 weeks!

stepping

Hypo, No advice but wanted to thank you for posting this. I needed to read that along with all of the wonderful adivice you got

Hang in there. I think Anna's response hit it dead on!!! In fact I will probably be reading that for months and years to come. Thanks, Anna!

kittycat3

Regret is something I struggle with a lot, so I can totally relate. For me, it is about owning my shortcomings with alcohol and remembering the bad so I don't go back, but moving on so the negative doesn't color the future. I say if you want to go delete all your drunken-eyed FB pictures, do it! That's not about hiding from your past so much as it is how you want to present yourself to the world today. You can keep copies of the photos to remind yourself where you came from. As for your friend, I guess it depends on how you feel about not seeing him. Do you truly miss his company? Or was he one of those drinking buddies that you don't have much in common with outside of the booze? Those types of friends are a good riddance anyway, so don't sweat that. If it's someone who is a true friend, they will want to see you regardless of whether or not you are drinking, and you could always choose to ask for support in not drinking in whatever way you need it - even if it's saying to your friend, I don't want to talk about it but I am not drinking so I can only see you if you are OK with that and we can go to the movies instead of the pub, etc. I do think it's important that you talk to SOMEONE, just that it's OK to feel that your alcohol problem doesn't have to be an open book all the time, unless you want it that way.
And besides, everyone has skeletons in their closets, ours just happens to be alcohol!

janiebluebird

Hypo, you have to forgive yourself. We cannot change the past, but we can do better in the present moment - the only moment that ever really exists. I find that when I produce anxiety in my mind over a past embarrassing event I have to stop that thought process and say to myself that I was out of control, that wasn't even really me, and I am making myself a better person every day. Others can forgive you, but once you find a place where you can say to YOURSELF "I forgive you," and mean it, there is a peaceful feeling inside.

On another note, I made most of my albums so only I can see them on facebook. You don't have to leave past evidence of the past out there - delete it or make it private if it makes you feel better!

MarkstheSpot

I'm with you, Hypo. I find it tough to cope with twenty years of, at best, being a drunken prat, at worst, being a vile human being who belongs in jail, and the many, many different shades of guilt in between. I don't have any advice on how to deal with it, I'm afraid; I try not to let it poison me, try to be a good person.


.

Bruno1979

Well done on your 6 weeks,

Do you feel healthier after a period like that off the booze?

stillsleeping

Hey hon

Honestly? My drunk formative years are what brought me here. That made me a person who has the cojones (and the cajones heh heh thanks Langkah) to quit drinking forever and start a new life.

You too.

Do you know how many people around you are miserable with where they are but just keep on plugging away, even though their lives are destructive or wasteful?

I'm not saying I don't struggle with this. But I'm getting used to telling my voices that if they aren't saying anything constructive, they can just sod off. Some of my guilt can be used constructively. Some of it I am going to learn to just...let...go...

xxxx

hypochondriac

Thanks for all your responses...it really means a lot to me that I can ask these questions here.

I think part of the reason I posted this was the realisation of how this lifestyle change completely rests on me. It's not like I have a drinking life which I can just leave, the majority of my friends are not huge drinkers and there's no reason not to have them in my life. I feel like when I see them they'll be like 'Oh, so you've finally stopped drinking'...and all that will be left is the embarrassment that I left it so long. It's not something I can justify, though that's funny as I've probably spent all my drinking time justifying why I drank. I feel like I've lived the past 15 years under duress, that wasn't who I wanted to be.

I think the embarrassing bit will just be something I have to prepare myself for, it will be short lived and perhaps then I can become a cautionary tale for young children.

My favourite saying is:

'If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future then you're peeing on today'

I will try not to dwell on this too long and hopefully I will forgive myself eventually.

Thanks for the support

hypochondriac

I feel a million times better Bruno, thanks, though I'm having a few emotional ups and downs, part of the course I think How are you doing?

SS, this is fab

MsJax

Hi hypochondriac. Congratulations on your 6 weeks

I have many regrets too. The way I now have to look at things is, let my life Now speak for itself. Live well every day. Be my best, be a good force in the universe & let the rest be. It happened. It's a fact, I was a drunk, but I'm not anymore & I won't be again. Some people will choose to remind me-repeatedly of the past, but that is ok too. Hold your head up & let your actions speak for themselves. Best wishes & Good Work

Dee74

I had to accept my past just as I accepted my alcoholism.
I can't change a second of whats been before, so I may as well use my energy on today.

Each day in my recovery I've grown and changed - I'm different - I'm still Dee but I'm no longer the guy that mothers would shoo their kids away from at the bus stop

I was sick. I got better

Like Still said - all I've been through good and bad has bought me to where I am today - and that's a good place

D

least

Gratitude for what is got me thru the passage of time until I felt better about myself.

kittycat3

Hypo, isn't it MORE embarrassing if you hadn't quit?! Remember that when you feel this embarrassment. So many never wake up and change their ways. Now you have that chance to really shine and show these friends that despite your past actions, a "drunk" is not what you are at all.

Stride34

Ask yourself, do I really want to be at peace? Everyone answers with a resounding yes to this question, but most don't realize they are unconsciously addicted to unhappiness because it strengthens their false sense of self. When you recognize this, you start to become aware of the insanity. Many people hold onto their unhappiness, because they feel if they let it go, they would 'die' in a way. It's become who they are, but it's all fiction.

Truth is, whether is a wonderful past or terrible past, you don't need the past, and you can't find peace in the past. You can only find peace now, in this moment. Often times, people think that if only if this had happened, I would be happy now. If only I hadn't done this, I'd be happy now. People blame other people, situations, for their inability to be happy and be their true self right now. In reality, this is all an illusion.

hypochondriac

Thanks for this. At the moment I think I am holding on to a lot of my unhappiness, but in these early stages I think it is my alcoholic self trying to give me an excuse to start drinking again.

And regards the 'if only' bit...for the first time today my doctor actually asked me what my future plans for drinking were. This was the first time anyone has asked me that or mentioned anything like AA since I first went to my doctors about my alcohol abuse problem over 3 years ago. I started thinking, if only someone had asked me that years ago it may have made me face up to my problem earlier (all that time I think I was trying to 'cut down'). But in actual fact I've known about my problem since I started drinking and have used every excuse in the book to continue drinking and to justify it. And if someone had asked me that even a few months ago I would have defended my drinking. In fact, even now, if someone asked me about my drinking habits I'd either get defensive or burst into tears.

I'm actually just wallowing in a pile of **** of my own creation, either that or I've just been listening to too much Morrissey lately

Basically I just feel like a bit of a prat, and really, so I should.

I'll dig myself out of the hole soon enough