Missingmygirls

I'm new here. I've been reading a lot of posts, but haven't posted before and this is my first post.

My D has been sober for about a month now, but I keep waiting for the shoe to drop - again, yet so far, it hasn't.

I'm scared every time he leaves the house without me that he will come back drunk again. Yet so far, he has come back sober every time.

Is it irrational for me to be scared all the time that the shoe WILL drop again? Am I setting myself up for a fall in hoping that this time, this time it really could be different, that he actually has quit for good?

I'm so sad, scared and tired of all of the lies, deceit and verbal abuse, I am absolutely petrified that he will start drinking again and I will have to leave. Leaving is really NOT something I want to do. I saw a thread on being addicted to your addict - I truly fall into that category, and I know it, but I also know that I LOVE my D with all my heart and don't WANT to leave. If he does drink again, for my own sanity and health I HAVE to leave, but it breaks my heart to think about that.

Am I paranoid in thinking that it is just a matter of time before the other shoe does drop?

MMG

onceuponatime2

Hi welcome to SR,

That feeling is very common in those that love alcoholics because the alcoholic has repeatedly violated trust over and over. It takes time to rebuild that trust which can only be done with an extended time of sobriety.

We are powerless over whether they will drink again or remain sober. So, all that worrying only hurts us in how we feel. I try to stay focused on myself, and work on my own recovery by doing things like attending alanon where people understand, and can help me when I get that obsessive worrying over what my AH is doing or not doing.

lillamy

No. You are actually completely rational.
What is your support? Are you in Al-Anon? Do you have a counselor who specializes in addiction issues? Or are you on your own?

I found that connecting with other people in similar situations -- here as well as in Al-Anon -- helped my sanity tremendously. It extended my marriage by a few years, which I can't say was a good thing, but it kept me sane and growing and recovering even while being married to an actively drinking alcoholic who was going downhill. And THAT was a good thing.

I was afraid to go to Al-Anon because I thought they'd tell me I had to leave him, and I didn't want to do that. Nobody told me I had to do anything at Al-Anon. It was a safe place for me to figure out for myself what I wanted to do with my life. I strongly recommend it.

And please, stay here, hang out, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum -- they have a wealth of information.

And that waiting for the other shoe? Yeah. I'm divorced from my A and I'm still always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a different shoe now, but the living on tenterhooks is the same.

lizatola

This is completely normal. Trusting someone else takes time and soon you will learn that it's one day at a time. My AH hasn't had a drink since mid February and I still have moments like yours, it's par for the course when dealing with someone who has an addiction. Keep coming back and read all the sticky notes, there's great advice and support to be had here!

dollydo

Your feelings are normal...and...unless he is working a strong recovery program...yours fears may become fact...I hope not...

Keep posting, it will help.

Missingmygirls

Thanks for the responses.

Unfortunately, I am in an area where I really don't have any external support. I tried an on-line ALANON site once - I HATED it! I don't know why exactly, but it just was NOT for me.

My A is in a program - for the first time, and I think it really is helping, but I still have such moments of doubt and fear. I feel like an over-reactive, clingy shrewd, but I just can't help feeling like this wonderful new man is going to revert back to the @$$hole drunk that he was before.

I guess it will be "One day at a time" for a while, and it does take a long time for trust to be re-earned. In the mean-time I will try to come here more and get help with my fears.

Thanks so very much for the support!

MMG

EmmyG

Hi, I'm new here and the system wouldn't let me PM you. It sounds like we're in a really similar situation. I'm living with those feelings on a daily basis and worrying every time he leaves the house. Not fun! I don't know anyone in this situation so it's hard. I don't like to talk to my family about it either...