EveningRose

How sad is this? I don't think of myself as an angry person. I think most people would say I'm very pleasant, calm, peaceful, patient (that word is used a lot to describe me), and well-adjusted. I jokingly say I was kicked out of individual counseling for being too healthy. I even have the MMPI to prove I'm one of the healthiest most well-adjusted people out there.

And yet...I notice most of my posts here are about anger.

Moreover, I have had a long-standing issue...I'm going to sum it up as a sort of TMJ, muscle/jaw problem, that has interfered greatly...HUGELY...in my life...totally derailed it from my life plans, in fact. Years ago, I tried dealing with it with all sorts of traditional and holistic medical practitioners, hypnosis, and several other things. I finally gave up, only to have someone recently walk into my life who has a background in massage and has noticed that all my tension is carried in the head, face, and neck. We talked more last night, and he said it's all coming from pain and anger, and that both the emotional and the damage to the muscles over these years has to be dealt with.

This hardly surprises me (that I would have pain and anger). But my question, which he couldn't or wouldn't answer, was, how do I dissipate that anger?

I think I've done a great job keeping the anger away from my kids. (Very justified anger, btw, as I've been dealing not only with the AFamily, but with all kinds of lies, mind games, etc, in my marriage all this time.) I've lived my faith, practiced gratitude, tried to give to other people, learned patience and to roll with the punches, and more.

But if all this anger, despite all my efforts to live at peace, turned inward and damaged me instead of the people around me...what is there left to try? How do I finally eradicate it, if it is anger and pain doing this to me, if all the steps I've already taken have still not prevented this happening?

Kialua

For me it was only through final forgiveness. It did wonders for me. I know it sounds trite but it was the hardest thing I ever did. The day it dawned on my I sat crying and fighting and NOT wanting to forgive my monsters. I wrote more about it in my blog if you want to read it. But everyone says it and everyone tries it. It takes a lot out of you to really forgive the monsters. I don't know where you stand with it but that is what it took for me. Interestingly I too suffered from TMJ.

EveningRose

Kialua, this is part of what's so frustrating. I think I HAVE forgiven them. Of course, it's continual forgiving as they keep doing things. But I see their brokenness, I pray for their well-being and their own healing...I THINK I've forgiven them, and if I really haven't, and think I have, what in the world can I possibly do? :-(

dollydo

Anger is a non issue with my friends and other family members...my mother...now that's a whole different issue...she brings out the worst in me.

I keep moving beyond it and forgiving her,then she does something to me that starts the entire cycle....yet again...honestly, until she dies I will never totally get over the anger issue with her as it is never ending, she so vile that forgiving her accomplishes nothing.

The answer? I have no clue although massages can't hurt!

incitingsilence

Change the view, seek the good.
There has to be something from your childhood that you remember fondly, that lit you up, that filled you with wonder. Add that in with the forgiveness.

It was the start of a new chapter when I finally saw all the good things I blatantly ignored so hung up in the pain. It is a whole picture deal, see the whole picture.

Live

I had to separate myself from the people and situations that angered and stressed me so much...TMJ, constant headaches, frequent migraines.
Get into therapy and a physical (chiropractic or massage + excercises to enhance muscle re-alignment and healing)

I now consider any of those symptoms as my built in early warning system that something in my life is causing me too much stress and has to be addressed and resolved. I take it to my pdr/therapist first.

At times, I needed meds for the physical pain.

Kialua

It is really hard to forgive, and to keep forgiving. Maybe it comes with giving up the hope for what we needed. Giving up the need for them to love us, help us, be normal. It's sort of like a super detachment. Give up any need for their approval, their kindness, their acceptance. Have your own life completely apart from the idea of them.

Here is an interesting book that has a workbook with it. It might prove useful.
Amazon.com: Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (9780830757237): David Stoop: Books

frances2011

I relate to the OP's post and especially this:
"But if all this anger, despite all my efforts to live at peace, turned inward and damaged me instead of the people around me...what is there left to try? How do I finally eradicate it, if it is anger and pain doing this to me, if all the steps I've already taken have still not prevented this happening?"

What a wonderful question, thank you for asking it.

Live really summed it for me.

So much of my Recovery is based on daily self-care activities to heal my physical body. In my family of origin, these are "selfish" behaviors. Taking care of myself and doing what is best for me is seen as "hurting the family" to this day. I self-harmed because I believed I was bad because I couldn't save my A mother. Self-harm was a way to keep punishing myself.

As an example, as a kid once my jaw locked with muscle spasms and I didn't tell anyone for fear of being taken to the doctor and being punished for causing trouble. It was like that for a week. I could just squeeze two fingers in, enough to eat.

I didn't know how much physical pain I was in until I started taking care of myself....started running, got sober, went NC with a toxic sibling, started AntiD meds for chronic depression/anxiety, went to a chiropractor, got a massage, recognized my self-harming behaviors, grew out my nails (instead of compulsive harmful biting/picking), eating better, healed my skin (adult acne, exacerbated by skin picking), started yoga, took a weights class, lost a few pounds, bought some clothes....

Being pain-free creates space for me to heal my inside hurts and make the best choices for me.

There is a TV ad that says "Depression Hurts." That was/is true for me. I experienced full-body aches.

Thank you for letting me share.

EveningRose

I've probably been doing half of that for several years at least, have just recently started a couple more, and am very much thinking about finally going to a chiropractor. Thanks for your input. It's reassuring to know these things have helped someone else.

Live

a good chiropractor is unbelievably so so so good! LOL I feel so strongly about this that if I were to choose a husband according to occupation.....I'd have been hanging out at chiropractor conventions!!!! LMAO but no joke! imo, the only thing that feels better than a chiropractic fix or tune up is great sex, and it would have to be realllllllyyy GREAT sex.

I don't need muscle relaxers or expensive migraine meds anymore but I do take my mental health meds because depression does hurt every part of a person in all their being.

I see my very good (finally!) pdr frequently and regularly. I am open and honest with him and I am healing.

Thank you so much Frances. I often feel as if I no longer have much relevant to say, I am glad I affirmed something for you..and you did the same for me.
Yeah, I felt guilty for hurting too.
It meant there was something wrong with ME. that brought shame.
It inconvenienced others and cost them money.


enough of that.... I know daggone well none of them would suffer a completely and totally excruciating migraine for 3 or 4 days as I often did. In fact one of my family members who witnessed only ONE said to me, I have never seen anyone in so much pain and not be in the hospital. The caveat, I could not afford to get medical care...the family member could have very easily, they chose not to help even after saying that.

I don't put those people and their opinions above my own and my welfare anymore.

and I really dig the solar nails I had done 2 wks ago. and I LIKE the compliments I get in them too.

dbh

I feel many of these feelings.

I'm pretty sure that I have forgiven my mother and father.

I have learned to set boundaries with the members of my family of origin.

I no longer have toxic people in my life.

There's still something missing though. I too internalize anger. I still haven't learned how to express my emotions in a healthy way. Growing up, I was only "allowed" to be happy. So now, when I feel any other emotion it feels wrong and I keep it inside or numb myself with food.

I keep wondering, "What else am I suppose to do to move forward?!?"

I often find myself reading more on the "Friends and Family" forums than here. This morning I came to the realization that I think I figured out how to get away from the dysfunction, but next steps of this journey are confusing to me - the self-care, expressing emotions, and being my own loving parent. I find it so much easier to tell someone to leave their addict than to how to live a life of serenity once the dysfunction is no longer in our lives. The dysfunction and drama still serves as a welcomed distraction for me at times.

I still have so much to learn!

I've only done steps 1-3 by myself. I keep wondering if getting a sponsor and finishing the steps will help me. I have heard people talk about how much peace step 5 gave them.

Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.

db

Kialua

Don't know if you interested or not but that book I quoted earlier in the thread has some great walk-throughs for working the steps. It has a workbook in it.

micealc

This Tread is right down my street.
I numbed my feelings for years,not knowing how to express them.
Sense coming to ACA I am learning how to recognise them.
I ache all over all the time....but I dont pretend...to anyone. except here and at ACA meetings.
I dont want to act out or no one would live with me.
I am learning....practicing for years how to be Calm Assertive.
Frightning things have happened to me too with getting over Anxious.
I still have Panic attacks lying in the Background.
There are places and situations I still fear ,...like over Bridges.. Cliffs,Planes...Sitting with someone else Driving,...etc.
A couple of Months ago I got a Bang in my Head....which I have not had for years....its energy over flowing....it has ruined my Sex life as it was having sex that I got it last..
I still get Nerve jumps when I go to bed at night.
My swallow has also been affected sense childhood.
I would get the Gaughs....like nearly chocking.
It is the worst feeling ever....I usually have to walk away from the Table,and wait till I relax....I can then come back and Finish my Food.
I found that Certain Mixes cause it to start up....I stopped drinking milk with my dinner....also gravy can cause it as well.
I also suffered for years of a Tightning in my chest and neck....it eventually left...TG.
Both my Parents are Dead....so I have got to let them be in Peace.
But they have left me with a legacy of anger and Anxiety that is hard to Forget and Forgive.

micealc

The heading of this tread is...how to get rid of anger.
I have tried to do this for ever but it wont go....why=
because I need it ...it is as natural an emotion as laughing.
Thing is ,its taken up too much Time and Space in my personality,
because I've been parented to think and feel it frequently.

I have often seen people that are continuously in good form.... they can laugh at the drop of a hat.....They dont take themselves too seriously....These people have been brought up by parents or caregivers mostly in good spirits....and had humorous,forgiving,calm assertive,confident,self assured,etc... attitude>
They would not have been Shamed,Blamed,Shouded,Criticised like I was.

Now what can I do to get some of this ,Calm Assertive,humourous,forgiving,confident,self assured,attitude....leading to good positive feelings.

Study and work the Solution of ACA...and the Steps to the Best of my ability.
I also us Meditation... A Little exercise,ie ...walking.
I am going for a Massage next friday.....yapee
I have also used Tapping,which can be found on youtube.

There are people here that have Found EMDR very sucessful...in breaking down . blocked Emotions....stored in the Body relating to there past....
I wish there was a Terapist with this qualification near...theres not...yet...ill keep looking.,,,anyway ...Im grateful that I now know what happened to me...it was not my fault.....and hopefully I can with the help of,So much now at my desposible and a Power greater than myself that Ill get clarity,as well as Peace ....love you guys...Im not alone anymore.