forabetterlife

Today is my 11th day of not drinking and, aside from the intense cravings the first three days, this is my most difficult emotionally. I spent some time with my ex yesterday and was feeling on top of the world all day long. I felt beautiful, strong, and in love all over again, like he always makes me feel. But the situation is less than ideal right now, and all it took was long response times between texts or one or two word texts to feel like my world was crashing down on me all over again.

I could feel the anxiousness overcome me, I just had to go in my room and cry my eyes out, look myself in the mirror and remind myself, that I am going to handle this differently this time. I am going to be strong, not let it get the better of me, and certainly not drink, as that is my first gut reaction when I feel like that.

I should have known this was coming. This last week I felt so amazing, free of alcohol, so happy, losing weight and feeling healthy, like I could conquer the world. It almost seemed easy. But once I hit a bump in the road, and started feeling emotional, it all came flooding out. I should know that this person has this affect on me, I allow him to , but I hope that changes in time, along with all of the other changes I am trying to make.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I just need to vent. No one (at all) knows of this battle I am having with alcohol, so SR is all I have. No one in my life could ever imagine that going 11 days without drinking would even be accomplishment for me. I hide it well, I juggle a full time demanding career and single mom (their dad lives out of the state and only sees them 3 times a year), finances along with everything else. It's alot and I have used alcohol to "get through" it. But only to my detriment. I have looked and felt horrible for years and I forget how to handle difficult situations without drowning them in alcohol and then focusing on how crappy I feel the next day rather than dealing with them.
But today, I was different. I won't give up on this. It's one day, and it's just feelings. Feelings change, things get better. I could wake up tomorrow with whole new attitude and outlook. I know I definately won't wake up with a hangover, guilt and shame.

I am proud of myself, but still sad. I want to go to bed. I can't wait for the day when I don't think of drinking, ever. I want it out of my life and my mind for good.

RyanRyan

Hang in there...this too shall pass. I'm on day one. Eleven sounds so far away. To me what you have done is no less than amazing and I expect that when i hit 11 days you will Be at 22!

Purplecatlover

Good for you on 11 days. Day 8 was my worst emotional day & nothing emotional happened to me that day. Just our bodies & minds healing.
You can do this. I was alot like you. Noone knew I drank except my husband. I work a stressful busy job, am a mother of child w/ADHD & somehow managed to survive the hangovers, shakes, etc.
But now I'm almost at 90 days & feel like I'm finally living again. It was the best thing I ever did. Don't think of giving up alcohol as a punishment. Think of it as a reward to yourself. You're getting rid of the poison that has soiled your mind, body & spirit.
Don't give up. Sobriety rocks.

Dee74

Hi forabetterlife

I'm sorry that you had a low day today- but I think anyone hanging out with their ex, and then having to 'come back to reality' as it were, might feel a little down.

Maybe it's best to keep this ex at slightly more of a distance until you get a handle on your emotions?

D

desertsong

The early days are rough, no doubt about it. But you're hanging in there, and as long as your desire to hang in there is greater than any thoughts of drinking, you're going to be okay. I'm glad you're here.

forabetterlife

As hard as yesterday was, you are right, Purplecatlover, giving up alcohol is NOT a punishment. As I wake up this morning, after a few bad dreams and much interrupted sleep, I am more grateful than ever for waking up knowing I handled things right yesterday, without drinking. Right now, its' that simple. If I don't drink, I'm doing the right thing. Is that ok? I mean, I can't be that forgiving with myself forever. But I feel like as long as I don't drink, somehow everything will have to be better than it would if I did.
And Dee, I am going to try to keep him at a distance, so his actions or lack of action cannot send me on this rollercoaster ride. It's just too hard, and too much is at stake now FOR ME>

I am learning, as I guess many others, that life is just life, and there are going to be highs and lows. Every high does not have be celebrated with alcohol and every low does not have be to "solved" with alcohol. I have known this was a problem for me for years, but I just kept turning my back on it, saying I will do something about it "tomorrow". I am just so glad that tomorrow is finally here because life is so much better.

Purplecatlover

Good for you. I know I absolutely did the right thing. No amount of alcohol was ever going to make me happy... Ever.
So I gave up the illusion.
My life is mine again. It feels great to be in control of my mind & body.
Each day, it's easier. I don't really think about drinking anymore. I feel sorry for the people I read on SR that are stuck in that web of addiction.
I never thought I could stop but reading about others triumphs helped me tremendously.
Keep going, there will be down days but they will pass. And you'll have days you LOVE life & wonder how in the world you drowned life with poison.
I'm proud of you.