Musicta

My daughter is a drug addict and I have been doing the tough love thing....for about 6 weeks...She is getting more and more hateful and the lies..my gosh....it's turned into a nightmare for me..

Used to, the lies were about..I need money for food or whatever...Now, she is telling me that if she doesn't pay someone back, she will be killed, her phrase.."a bullet to my head." She told her Dad (we are divorced) that she wanted to go into rehab...She is begging for money from both her Dad and I every week....

Tough love isn't easy at all as their thoughts are so messed up and what they stoop to....How cruel for a daughter to tell her Mother that she will be killed....I'm scared enough for her as it is...

This is what I was wondering....Has any of your drug addicts used this as a lie to get money?...I worry about this....as I don't want to lose my daughter...

They really know how to play down and dirty....pulling on a Mother's heartstrings...I don't even know her anymore...my daughter whom I knew is gone. It breaks my heart...

Thanks for any advice.

Chino

Hugs from one mom to another

Yes, my RAD used that line before and she also threatened prostitution. Have you read the sticky called "What addicts do"? I printed it out and re-read it during her relapses.

If you're not participating in a recovery program for yourself, or seeing a therapist, please consider it. It helps so much to have face to face support.

EJG123

If she claims that she owes a drug dealer money or he will kill her then I am skeptical. What kind of drug dealer is going to give an addict enough drugs (without payment) that he would have to kill the addict if the debt wasn't repaid? Besides, the drug dealer would be killing a customer so that wouldn't be good for business either.

Justfor1

It's true that dealers will front drugs to addicts if they are really good customers. But it also could be a big lie like others posted.

hades

I haven't logged on in months. The last time I was questioning his drug use, now it is crystal clear. He speaks openly about it to me, providing details - how to inject, how much he uses and how often, how much it is. He called today to TELL me (not ask) that if I don't buy him suboxone to detox, he will use heroin tonight. That is just telling me that he is going to use anyway. It's always some kind of emergency.

I am to the point where I have no desire to speak to him. I am not benefiting in any way. Still love him. I just do not want to be a part of the daily chaos.

I have heard the following lies in the last WEEK:

I have cancer.
My Mother is trying to pick up my suboxone prescription to sell it.
I owe drug dealers money and a car was following me.
I sleep at the park on a picnic table.
I am hungry. I need $ to eat. (He means fix)
I'm going to kill myself.
I stole a car because I'm that desperate.
I'm going to detox tomorrow.
I'm going to a program Tuesday.
I love you.
I want to go to church with you.
Everyone has given up on me, but you.
My life is in your hands. Please send me money so I can get help.

Yes, they lie outrageously. And they work each lie according to the person they are telling it to. You need to be strong and DETACH. Love your daughter with all of your heart and pray for her with all of your heart. Find peace. Know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

He and I still have normal conversations when he isn't high (I didn't say clean) and I miss the person he was once. I encourage him and tell him I love him. BUT, when the topic of money comes up, I run. ABORT! They WILL find a way to support their habit with or without you. Don't be a sucker. Don't enable!

laurie6781

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm after my folks said NO MORE years ago, they let all phone calls go to the answering machine and, of course, did not answer mine as they said they would not. They also said that if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and if I tried to steal from them, they would call the police.

It took me another 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 of that living on the streets of Hollyweird, before I found recovery.

I will tell you that I hated them at the time, without a doubt, however, once I found recovery, from then on I have repeatedly stated that IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME.

This is something that I do believe Alanon or Naranon, I say Alanon because many times there are a lot more meetings available of Alanon versus Naranon, and/or some counseling with a therapist, will help YOU.

We are here for you and will walk with you in spirit. I think you will find as you read around the forum, and the 'stickys' at the top of the forum page that many of us 'who love the A' have had to go NO CONTACT. None whatsoever for our own SANITY and PEACE OF MIND. Continuing to have contact with the A, just gives them false encouragement that they can 'wear us down' and eventually get money or whatever out of us.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

I am another mom who heard the same from my daughter. The other common attempt at emotional extortion went something like this:

"If you don't give me money you will force me to become a prostitute."

The Salvation Army operates a solid recovery program.

Adddiction demands the addict protect and sustain it. The tools are lies and manipulation.

Musicta

Thank you so much everyone....it makes me feel better that I'm not the first or last to hear this kind of lies...

I took care of her for 5 years, paid for things, and so on....but no more....I simply can't do it...I need my own life and I deserve it...

No. It's not easy this tough love thing as the fears are constantly there, but I am keeping strong...I have been a codependent for a long time as her Dad was and is an active alcoholic...But, I am working on this and becoming stronger and stronger....

Frankly, I don't even WANT to be around her...she isn't my daughter right now...a complete stranger who will stoop to nothing to get money...

Good to know and hear your stories as well as it keeps me sane and knowing I am definately not alone...

Honestly, I believe we are on the verge of an "epidemic" of drug use. Even five years, it wasn't this bad....The poison keeps traveling.....very quickly...

Thank you for your support. Sometimes it can be a lonely place as a parent and not many people understand unless they have been there or are still there...

hades

Repeat this to yourself every day and when you start to feel weak, when she attempts to manipulate and pulls on your heartstrings, read it again.

Acceptance of what you are dealing with in your life is the first survival tip for loving an addicted person.:ghug3

Ilovemysonjj

Lies are what is the natural response to any question we may ask of them. As one who still "hopes", I know that every time I talk to my AS, it is never 100% the truth. Detaching is the only hope I have that he faces these lies since there will no one there to believe him. Mine has gone 5150 twice to get us to take him back in. He spent both his 21 and 22nd birthday locked up after stating he wanted to hurt himself.
Both times, I swooped in and rescued him but nothing changed after first time. He escalated and ended up in jail. NOW, he is in an SLE after going "off the grid" for 10 days. I am not trusting him right now as some new lies are coming up. Really no words can be trusted. We need to close our ears, open our eyes and guard our words and hearts.
Hugs from another Mother in pain
Teresa

December2011

I know it is heartbreaking, and don’t know if this will work for you, but one thing that worked for me is that I became MAD instead of SAD when my AS gave me some drug seeking BS lie.

nytepassion

I am a recovering addict and yes, I have used that lie when I was in active addiction. I would say anything I needed to say to get what I wanted. The lie is to invoke fear. She knows you worry about her and she knows if she tells you she needs to pay someone back or get a bullet to the head you'll more then likely give her the money to keep her alive.

She is sick, dope sick and she wants her fix. Trust me when I tell you that addicts know all the heartstrings to pull ESPECIALLY Mama's heartstrings. We know what to say to get you to reach into your wallet and hand out some money. It is our full time job to feed our addiction and the addict mind never stops screaming for more drugs. After all the I need rent money, food money, gas money lies have gotten old the addict has to think of new ways to get into your wallet. It is then time to get creative ... You can hear the desperation "I need money or I will get a bullet in the head" and if that doesn't work "I want to get clean" We say all the things you don't want to hear and all the things you do want to hear fully knowing that one of the stories will produce the green to get the drugs.

Addicts are skilled masters in the art of manipulation. Don't buy into it.

Recovering addict,
Passion

Kindeyes

The lies escalate as we become numb. Just as they need more drugs to get the same high as their disease progresses, we need greater amounts of emergency stimulus to give the same reaction to them.

I remember when I thought it would be the worst thing in the world if my son got a DUI. But it happened and my world didn't stop. Then I was worried that he'd wind up in jail. Well, that's happened a number of times now. And my world didn't stop. Then I was worried that he'd be killed by a dealer. He was beaten, pistol whipped and shot at. And my world didn't stop.

And I'm numb. Now I don't even want to give him the opportunity to lie to me. Self preservation is in high gear.

You are not alone. There are many mothers here in SR who have watched their adult offspring become strangers who can't be trusted.

But there is hope.....I have hope for me, for you, and for all of the mothers who love and let go.

gentle hugs
ke

incitingsilence

If you can stop looking for the truth in the lies, the lies in the truth and just focus on the fact that active addiction, looks like active addiction and it is suppose to … this will be easier for you to cope with. Try to keep it simple. Sad fact is even if she did owe, that is on her…is that cruel, no, just the reality of this disease.

Have you accepted that she is an addict, that this is all hers…while it will be ugly, again it is suppose to be, and heart breaking, how could it not be… Know that she is capable and yes she is even strung out to want to get out and capable of finding a way to.

Down and dirty ... we become their best teachers here, our reactions to them which are based on who we are, our fears and concerns and worries for them any shame and anger we have teach them precisely how to get us to give in, what they can say, do and or threaten to have us react again in a way that benefits them. They are not special in any way manipulative wise and the better they are, the better their teacher.

Tough Love…Hopefully you are using the concept/phrase correctly, you got tough on you, meaning no more enabling, fighting the urge to constantly rescue and save her from the consequences of her addiction, stopped reacting to it, which always taught her. And just love her, as she is…

And in the end, the lies…It is never the lies told to us, but the ones we are telling ourselves.

outtolunch

Posts from recovering addicts were and remain a tremendeous gift of insight into the motivations of active addicts. They help and remind me that drug seeking is the addict's full time job and that my daughter did not use drugs at me. None of this was personal. So long as I allowed it, I was the most convenient and the easiest target for lies and manipulation.

See and hear the addiction beast roar within the person it posesses. The beast lives to protect and sustain itself. Don't feed the beast. It's not personal.

Kindeyes

Oooooh.....ouch. Reminds me of a Gloria Steinem quote. "The truth will set you free.....but first it's going to pi** you off.". There is no doubt that my enabling taught my son that I was gullible and voluntarily allowed myself to be victimized by his lies and manipulation. My motives were misdirected, naive, and fear based. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions .....well the bricks that I was paving that road with we're getting decidedly hotter.

I am more than willing to accept my part in the dance. But I am also trying to face the guilt associated with my own behavior. Once we recognize that what we've done was damaging to the addict and to ourselves, how do we heal? I think that is a vitally important question.

gentle hugs
ke

Sunshine2

KE, these are very wise words. I have found one of the very best coping mechanisms for me is to make friends with the worst that can happen.

To me, the very worst that can happen to my AS is death. I have tried to make friends with that. I know that I will be incredibly sad for a very long time, but I know my world will not stop. Dealing with fear in this way has made my life a lot easier.

This is not to minimise any parents sense of loss who had to give up a child
to addiction. It is only to show that no matter what scenario we play in our minds, when we are faced with it in reality, we will ultimately, eventually be able to cope.

lesliej

I have made some discoveries about my own boundaries which really help me understand and respond to my own emotions with more care, grace and love.

I realize that I do love my ex unconditionally as a human being and as an ex (who I thought I would marry) and as a friend who struggles with recovery.

This unconditional part is what used to "hook" me. I thought "well if I really love him I won't turn my back on him/shut the door/leave him without gas/food/shelter" etc etc etc.

But what I realized is that I am human...he is human...AND he is still active in addiction. And for the simple reason of being human (let alone being an addict) there ARE conditions around my love. I have limitations. I can't expect myself to behave like a savior/saint/prophet or...doormat. Once I start treating myself...and him...as a human being I realize that there ARE CONDITIONS! Love is precious, and active addiction takes the human heart and trades it for drugs. We simply CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT be expected to love WITH those conditions.

That is where healthy boundaries come in. The boundaries that I now understand that are the healthiest for ALL involved are created out of the conditions I have. My boundaries say that I cannot expect to be in a full on intimate romantic relationship with an addict. I can love him and have hope for his recovery from a distance...that distance is my condition/boundary. No shelter, no money, no food goes to feed the addiction.

Also because I am in recovery myself I KNOW that those who surround him...when he chooses recovery...have boundaries too. Yes, sometimes a sponsor may end up enabling...but for the most part there is healthy concern/love/care/support and BS calling taking place in the circles of recovery. And they...because their "conditions" are about recovery first, can do a better job of maintaining boundaries than I can.

Rambling now (as usual)...hope there's some hope in that!

Chino

Four days after discovering my daughter's addiction and at her first detox, the addictionologist said something to me that I really needed to hear:

Imagine your worst fear coming true. Now what happens to you?

bookreader

This post came at exactly the right moment for me. When AS came out of residential two weeks ago, I was willing to trust and told him it was very difficult for me. Just now found out he has taken $200 from me in the last 24 hours. I have reached a new place and these posts have been so very helpful to me. Thank you everyone.
b.