Do they use cruel lies to get money?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I am more than willing to accept my part in the dance. But I am also trying to face the guilt associated with my own behavior. Once we recognize that what we've done was damaging to the addict and to ourselves, how do we heal? I think that is a vitally important question.
It is never about the guilt, although people who are unhealthy take the guilt to further suffer within, or further blame around…and really all we ever needed to do was learn through it, from it.
It is really so much harder to live than it is to stay sick.
I could see my part once I rubbed all that denial out of my eyes. I now own my part, no one else’s in the madness. And healing well it takes work and the work sucks I must say but it is worth it. Work on you, heal you, it is so simple, but I am sure everyone overcomplicates it as I did. And boy did I, UGH!
The past can not be changed, and yet our further will be decided in how willing we are to change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Sunshine2 
KE, these are very wise words. I have found one of the very best coping mechanisms for me is to make friends with the worst that can happen.
To me, the very worst that can happen to my AS is death. I have tried to make friends with that. I know that I will be incredibly sad for a very long time, but I know my world will not stop. Dealing with fear in this way has made my life a lot easier.
This is not to minimise any parents sense of loss who had to give up a child
to addiction. It is only to show that no matter what scenario we play in our minds, when we are faced with it in reality, we will ultimately, eventually be able to cope.
To me, the very worst that can happen to my AS is death. I have tried to make friends with that. I know that I will be incredibly sad for a very long time, but I know my world will not stop. Dealing with fear in this way has made my life a lot easier.
This is not to minimise any parents sense of loss who had to give up a child
to addiction. It is only to show that no matter what scenario we play in our minds, when we are faced with it in reality, we will ultimately, eventually be able to cope.
In a conversation with my son (which luckily we've had some very good ones in the past), I explained that the way I have to cope with his addiction is to accept the very real possibility that it could kill him. His reply was "Wow, that's harsh." I said "It may be harsh but it is what I have to do to cope. It's certainly not what I want to happen but acceptance is a powerful coping mechanism."
Later, in another discussion, I asked him "So....what is your bottom?" (I thought geez......why try to guess.....I'll just ask the question.) His reply as he looked me directly in the eye was "Dead". It was probably said in hopes of a fear factor reaction for but instead I said "ok...then I have to accept that, don't I?"
Facing my fear, tackling it down to the ground and holding it in a headlock until it cries UNCLE is one way I can handle it.....or.....I can turn my fear over to God and let him deal with it. One way takes enormous effort, the other.....just a little practice (and prayer).
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Hi Musicta... I hope you are doing better and that your daughter is leaving you alone. Sigh.
In answer to your original question above - everyone here has some good insight. I want to also add (because it JUST happened to me)... that my addicted AH (we are separated, thank God), pulled all the usual:
1. "I'm going to kill myself" - Well, he may, but I can't do anything about it. I tried 'helping' about 10-15x after relapses and/or suicide attempts (3) and I sit back and see that he was never ever thankful, that it was NEVER enough and that he'd suck me emotionally dry if he could.
2. "I need to find a place"
3. "I'm getting a job" - (so he needed his 'things' that were worth $$ in order to do so). He eventually sold EVERYTHING... and guess what...
... he was/is back for more! ;(
Thankfully, there's now a police file open on this and a restraining order will follow once I have sufficient cause of him 'bugging' me. So far, since he was arrested at my apt. and taken away in an ambulance back to a psyche ward, he has called my number twice and STILL is trying to get 'things'/'money' from me.
He's now resorted to attempted BLACKMAILING... over things that I did 2 years ago to protect HIS money from HIMSELF... that ended up not working out and he blew all the $$ anyway. He was off on a binge at the time and I get a letter in the mail saying he was about to receive over $100K from his aunt's estate (that I was Executrix of) and that he had to sign some forms to have the cheque mailed to him. I was so sick to my stomach, there was no freaking way I was going to call him up in his "binge, addict" state and go, "You have over $100 grand coming to you... where do you want me to send it?" I signed the papers (yeah, I forged his signature) but it didn't matter... the cheque was addressed to him so I couldn't cash it. When it came in, I put it unsigned in our joint account and prayed like mad he wouldn't try to go in there to get any $ out (we really had none). Long story longer, he came out of his binge, got a bit better, I told him about the $$, he thanked over and over and over again for doing what I did... and then within a week or so, proceeded to blow all of the $ in the course of 6-7 months...
It was all for nothing... and NOW... he's threatening to get me in trouble for what I did.
He's also trying to blackmail me for a few other things, including not giving him half of any money made from selling his motorcycle that he willingly signed over to me ... for $500 cash (that I had to scrounge up). He says he was "suicidal" (this was less than 2 weeks ago) and was not in his right mind and that he's going to sue me over this...
... so you know what I did in answer to all of these PATHETIC tactics?
I told him to go right ahead... waste his time, because I wasn't going to waste any more of mine talking to him and that if he called or even showed his face around my place, I would have him arrested on the spot.
I then told him to feck off and hung up the phone. I haven't heard from him since. Oh... it's only been 1.5 days, but for me... for these past few months, that's a pretty long time.
I think it's disgusting how addiction can bring people to the lowest forms of existence... how they can WILLINGLY and without remorse, bully and abuse anyone with anything to get their way (which is $$ for drugs/alcohol).
You will get to a place (on your own time) where you get so tired of the lies and treachery, that something will just 'snap' inside of you and you'll be able to remove yourself a little easier than how you can now. I'm removing myself in anger... been holding this for a good couple of months now, but it's the one thing I have going for myself that my AH backs away from.
I am coming to a little bit more 'peace' in my life with other things... but it's all a process and we get where we need to go or be when we are ready.
Peace to you and everyone else this morning...
In answer to your original question above - everyone here has some good insight. I want to also add (because it JUST happened to me)... that my addicted AH (we are separated, thank God), pulled all the usual:
1. "I'm going to kill myself" - Well, he may, but I can't do anything about it. I tried 'helping' about 10-15x after relapses and/or suicide attempts (3) and I sit back and see that he was never ever thankful, that it was NEVER enough and that he'd suck me emotionally dry if he could.
2. "I need to find a place"
3. "I'm getting a job" - (so he needed his 'things' that were worth $$ in order to do so). He eventually sold EVERYTHING... and guess what...
... he was/is back for more! ;(
Thankfully, there's now a police file open on this and a restraining order will follow once I have sufficient cause of him 'bugging' me. So far, since he was arrested at my apt. and taken away in an ambulance back to a psyche ward, he has called my number twice and STILL is trying to get 'things'/'money' from me.
He's now resorted to attempted BLACKMAILING... over things that I did 2 years ago to protect HIS money from HIMSELF... that ended up not working out and he blew all the $$ anyway. He was off on a binge at the time and I get a letter in the mail saying he was about to receive over $100K from his aunt's estate (that I was Executrix of) and that he had to sign some forms to have the cheque mailed to him. I was so sick to my stomach, there was no freaking way I was going to call him up in his "binge, addict" state and go, "You have over $100 grand coming to you... where do you want me to send it?" I signed the papers (yeah, I forged his signature) but it didn't matter... the cheque was addressed to him so I couldn't cash it. When it came in, I put it unsigned in our joint account and prayed like mad he wouldn't try to go in there to get any $ out (we really had none). Long story longer, he came out of his binge, got a bit better, I told him about the $$, he thanked over and over and over again for doing what I did... and then within a week or so, proceeded to blow all of the $ in the course of 6-7 months...
It was all for nothing... and NOW... he's threatening to get me in trouble for what I did.He's also trying to blackmail me for a few other things, including not giving him half of any money made from selling his motorcycle that he willingly signed over to me ... for $500 cash (that I had to scrounge up). He says he was "suicidal" (this was less than 2 weeks ago) and was not in his right mind and that he's going to sue me over this...
... so you know what I did in answer to all of these PATHETIC tactics?
I told him to go right ahead... waste his time, because I wasn't going to waste any more of mine talking to him and that if he called or even showed his face around my place, I would have him arrested on the spot.
I then told him to feck off and hung up the phone. I haven't heard from him since. Oh... it's only been 1.5 days, but for me... for these past few months, that's a pretty long time.
I think it's disgusting how addiction can bring people to the lowest forms of existence... how they can WILLINGLY and without remorse, bully and abuse anyone with anything to get their way (which is $$ for drugs/alcohol).
You will get to a place (on your own time) where you get so tired of the lies and treachery, that something will just 'snap' inside of you and you'll be able to remove yourself a little easier than how you can now. I'm removing myself in anger... been holding this for a good couple of months now, but it's the one thing I have going for myself that my AH backs away from.
I am coming to a little bit more 'peace' in my life with other things... but it's all a process and we get where we need to go or be when we are ready.
Peace to you and everyone else this morning...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Drexel Hill Pa
Posts: 11
Musicta,
I didn't see anything mentioned about addicts of divorced parents in this thread. A word of caution, if you don't communicate and get on the same page with your ex the addict will play you against each other. The more adversity between you and your ex the better for the addict to work you both over. No matter how hard it is you have to get together on this.
I didn't see anything mentioned about addicts of divorced parents in this thread. A word of caution, if you don't communicate and get on the same page with your ex the addict will play you against each other. The more adversity between you and your ex the better for the addict to work you both over. No matter how hard it is you have to get together on this.
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