DebzGirl

In January I met a guy who seemed perfect in every way. In the begining he wasnt drinking that much we went on holidays acted like a perfect gentleman. Then one night we went out and i noticed he was telling everyone how awesome I was he was outside having a cigarette and then yelled at me because i was talking to a guy. OK hes getting a bit tipsy later on i kissed a male freind on the cheeck he then got really angry at me. As time went on different events happenedin our realtionship that werent good he would blame me for all the things that went wrong. Usually a text war woud start on a Monday night. Usually because he worked night we would have long very lioving and gentle text conversations that could go on all night. But one night the text war went on for 21 hours it as mean and nasty and extremely abusive. I learnt over time these happened on a Monday night because he had been drinking all weekend and MOnday night was the first night he was sober and he was with drawing. This night as so bad we broke up and I went out on the wednesday night and had a one night stand. We got back together on the Friday when i went aorund to his house on the friday he was very stand offish and as he had mnore and more drinks he became more and more placid. The following night I picked him up and we went out singing it was a great night but as we went home i decided I had to tell him I had been with someone else he became emotional and ran down the street while the car was still moving it was then I noticed the dirnking was becoming more intense. When we made up after this he constantly told me that I was the reason he was drinking. He even told me he was an alcoholic and he wanted my help. That time i got together his alcohol and put them in my fridge and kept it here then within a week he asked me to deliver it to his house. A week later I went out with him and as the night progressed he drank more and more and he started break dancing. Keep in mind this is a 40 year old man. Then he walked up to me and exposed himself to me and my freind i thenpushed him to the bar to cover him and he then waslked back and did it again he then crawled under the table and sucked my toes and then crawled around the floor like a dog. I was having trouble being with him. Then I decided to try and get through to him how bad his drinking was. Nothing worked he kept saying he never got over what i did and he had to drink. The weeks progressed more of the same break up very dramatic gestures to make up untill this last week. ( Please note theres noone to talk to everyone says your better of without him even thugh i love him). This last week we went outand he started dancing weird again at the end of the night I told him he was embarrassing me. He then made mean comments likeyou know if you lost ten kilos we could get engaged if you lost anther 20 we could get married and so on. When we got home I found him in my garden talking to himself I believe he was helluncinating i asked him who he was talkign too he said "his spirit guides". I was really shocked I then got him inside and tried to put him to bed he then collapsed on the floor i thoguht omg hes dead i felt himstill breathing and then squirted water in his face till he woudl get into bed.I am very lucky he appears to have no violent tendancies at all. whilethis was going on his fone was going off with texts I answered then and then took the number of his best freind. I thoguht if I had the suppirt of his friends i could get him some help. I rang his friend on the following Wednesday she said what you on he probably was taking to hisspirit guides theres nothing wrong with his dirnking. I said drinking 15 cans before going out is not normal he needs help. She told me he had been cheating on me. I got ahold of him and he said he hadnt and I now knowhe hadnt been cheating. Anyway when i confornted him about the cheating he got mad and said I betrayed him by going through his fone atthat piont we brokeup ive tried to soeak to him sinceand he doesnt understand why I did it. Surely cant he see thst good people do shady things tio try and get people help. I know hes bad for me I know the behaviour is bad and detromental to me in the long run but I still want him people have told me this is part of the whole deal with alcoholics that they get their partners addicted to them. Does anyone know how to help me through this cheers

Shadydeal

Sorry you are dealing with all this but for me it has helped to just sit and read a lot on this site. You can learn so much by listening and looking at not only you BF but yourself.

tabatha

If he's exposing himself in public and crawling under tables at this point can you imagine how much worse this could get??? It will get worse you know unless he makes a drastic turn around. Has he even mentioned that he wants to quit drinking? I would get to some alanon meetings if I were you to fully educate yourself, find out how to take care of yourself, and what you would be in for if he continues the way he is. You probably won't get the truth out of him about any cheating at this point either.

DebzGirl

im pretty sure he didnt cheat purely on the time line of how much time he was with me against how much time he was at work he works 13 hour shift then gts home around 9 in the morning he is unable to drive as he los this licence through drunk driving and lives with his mother. He has told me he wanted to stop drinking but later told me he couldnt because hes 40 and has been doing this since he was 16 he told me he even turned down jobs that had him working friday nights. He will not take me back this time as he is unable to forgive me for going through his fone. Also one of my freinds paid him a visit on saturday night and it became heated with him repeatedly saying she went through my fone she went through my fone. I still feel drawn to him and want to me with him and a having difficulties letting go though i was told the other day that this is common in these situations.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason you came.

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and we are here to support you.

I agree with the above poster: Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse. Your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) is getting worse.

He is also in denial about his ability to control his addiction. He says he wants to get help, but what do his actions say? His actions appear to say he has not intention of getting serious help for his addiction.

When I first came to this site, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction to alcohol:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took time for me to accept that concept and apply it to my life. I needed to allow the alcoholic the dignity of making his own choices and dealing with his own consequences of those choices.

You were always going to get blamed for his actions while you were in the relationship and he was drinking. It is a common trait of alcoholics: blame-shifting. The drama surrounding your accessing his phone - is just another reason to get drunk, unfortunately.

I hope you will give yourself time to grieve the loss of what might have been in this relationship. Be gentle, and treat yourself kindly.

I found a very helpful chapter on grieving in a book on codependency: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. That book has helped me in many ways.

tbeit

He sounds like he needs help if this is his behavior in the begining of the relationship then I would hate to see what happens when he is comfortable with you. The weight comments are rude and its a way of breaking your self confidence.You say hes not violent physically but that is mentally abusive.If you had a friend in this kind of relationship what would you advise that friend to do.Sorry you are going through this

suki44883

Just wondering what you see in this guy? He doesn't sound like relationship material and if he actually exposed himself in public, he should probably be in jail.

I'm sure you can do better and I'm sure you deserve better. You don't have much time invested in this relationship, so it's much easier to just get out now. I don't see him changing any time soon.

choublak

Text wars?

DebzGirl

I believe his looks the fact he is another singer the fact hes a great dancer can be very charming but also has this thing about leaving you wanting more. I spose sometimes as partners we look at people through rise coloured glases

DebzGirl

text wars when you aregue back and forth for hours via text messaging

marie1960

"In January I met a guy who seemed perfect in every way."

No, you did not!!!!

suki44883

They say looks are only skin deep. The true beauty of a person is on the inside. As you are finding out, a pretty face does not make a pretty heart. It doesn't make up for the way he treats you or the way he acts. One day, he won't be so good looking, so that's something to keep in mind.

DebzGirl

I have been a singer in shows ans so forth since i was 6 years old my dream has always been to find someone whom was an awesome singer and as talented as me(sorry that sounds concieted) and when i saw this guy I thought finally i found someone with the same talent and passion also when he is sober this is something you need to be aware of he doesnt drink allthe time hes is probably more of a binge drinker i have no reaosn to think he drinks every day as I have had sober days with him he ahs said that he has a beer before bed because he works nights when he gets homeint he morning its hard to wind down to sleep. But then he said that he coulodnt sleep because he kept seeing theother gusy hands on me. What i find weird is his immediate circle including his ex girlfriend have never complained about his dirnking?????

marie1960

No one on these boards can confirm if you are with an alkie or not. If his drinking is causing issues , it is safe to say there MAY be a problem.

This is about trust and respect.
I do not see alot of that in your post.
No trust= no relationship. It truly is that simple.

I would be upset if someone went thru my phone. That is an invasion of privacy. I would not go thru someone's phone. It's none of my business.

DebzGirl

i agree but when i did it it was four am in the morning and he was naked outside talking to himself I am four foot eleven and he is six foot i found it physically impossible to help him back inside. When i finally got him inside he collapsed i thought a freind might be able to help me. it was never done as a devious motive. I would also confirm i have been 100% onest in what happened i did at the time want to help him

choublak

There are better ways to spend your time.

Justfor1

I doubt he cheated on you. I can't imagine another women taking interest in him. Exposing himself, crawling under tables & sucking your toes?? This guy has some issues.

wicked

Deb,

30 kilos X 2.2 lbs =60.6 lbs. Wow! So you only have to lose over sixty pounds to marry this charmer.

Maybe they don't like him or respect him and hope to fob him off onto you.
If you knew he was an ignorant @zz, maybe you would not take him on, but you have anyway it appears.

If you want to find a talented singer to work with, may I suggest looking in the trade ads for your industry...I do not know what they are called in the UK.
But please pick your head up, take your beautiful voice, and yourself away from this madness.
He will have you on the floor with him, your life is not down there.

Beth

Taking5

I was a first rate drunk, but I never exposed myself or talked to spirit guides at 2am. There are some other issues here besides alcohol, IMHO.

All tha aside, this is not your problem. Get the hell out of there.

DebzGirl

ok there is one fact missing he has an head injury and he chooses to drink instead of taking medication because the medication will not allow him to drink but sober acts normally even appears intellgent and good sense of humor when the drink goes in a monster appears