Seren

Hello Debz, Welcome to SR!

He may be completely charming when he is not drinking, but it doesn't sound like it. And the problem is, you can't get rid of the mean person he becomes when he's drunk and just have the parts of him you like.........because, well, he sounds like he's an alcoholic. At least he is not taking his meds and drinking, although I believe his doctors would want for him to take the meds and not drink.

Can you accept the bad with the good? He sounds abusive imho. I'm sorry that you seem to feel this is what you deserve, because I believe you deserve so much better treatment!

I hope you will keep reading the threads and learn all you can about alcoholism. We are here 24/7!

DebzGirl

yes Im learning alot something I shoudl tell you guys is I am from New Zealand. Probably a lot that you arent aware of is the national motto for men here is "rugby racing and beer" Now the legal age for drinking now is 18 but when I was a teenager the legal age was 20 I had been drinkingin pubs and clubs since I was 15 and never asked for id. So the culture here is very entrenched in alcohol. Yes I go out and drink too but I would drink 4 vodkas in a night and that would be it I never get drunk so i tend ot see how people gt drunk. I wasnt aware this guy had a problem untill i relaised he was drinking 15 cans before leaving the house. I have also been made aware that a lot of the behaviour changes happened because I am slightly older than him and realitively well educated and I would not fall into line so to speak and many times i fought back and chalenged his control but drunk Glen is a very strange creature. I even noticed the pupils of his eyed would change when he became intoxicated. On one night I noticed he had trouble even knowing how to use a toilet properly. Sober Glen on an occasion did ask for help and on two occasions refereed to himself as an alcoholic. When I held the beer he told me one day he had to go to the mens room and work because he was crying because he wanted a beer so bad. SO there is a side that id in acceptance of this there is a side of him sober that is ok. But I am out and I am staying out I dont want back but I also see this relationship has damaged me and I need to heal I have also accepted that I did a wrong thing in goign through his phone but I did it to try and get some help as his behaviour was tearing me appart. A friend said to me that maybe the only reason he is angry about his fone is that he is hiding something ???

Pelican

As part of my healing, I needed to learn why I felt the need to fix/rescue another adult at the risk of not taking proper care of myself.

I learned about codependency. I am still learning and still working on removing my codependency traits. In my case, I have had these tendencies for years and have carried it into every relationship.

Reading here, reading self-improvement books, and attending Alanon meetings have helped me.

DebzGirl

I am going to an alanon meeting tomorrow night

Hopeworks

Good for you!

The best way to fix a "broke picker" (choosing to date toxic men) is to take action to unravel WHY we are so attracted to these men in the first place.

After I divorced my first husband my business was in the entertainment industry and I knew just about everybody in town and they all knew me. I had lots of dating opportunities with some very nice, successful men as well as rogues.

Nice guys never interested me... like the candle to the moth I had to find the one who was just a little too good looking, sexy, self assured, funny... always the life of the party. They usually chased me too... like cat and mouse as I was known as "hard to get". NOt surprisingly alcohol abuse was a common theme with most of them.

My broke picker came from my childhood (I am ACOA) and I didn't even date for 10 years ( my latest bad pick was NEVER a date... we campaigned on the road together in the last presidential election and fell in love (he was in recovery at that time).

So.... to thine ownself be true. Take care of you. Find yourself. Fix your picker or let somone help you pick! (Therapists can be very good here).

wicked

Deb,
I am sorry I did not add my experience to this sentence.
My exhusband was very good looking and very charming. Everybody loved him! Life of the party!
I was very close to obese myself, over 100 kilos. (220 was my highest at 5'7").
Drinking and having 2 children during our marriage added weight.
When he started cheating on me, he said,
"I told you when we got married, if you got fat, I might leave you."
At the time, I was devastated, really crushed. But I learned something valuable that day and did not know it until later.
He is shallow, shallow like a puddle. He never loved me, I supported his bad habits and mine until I could take it no more.
You know you are a talented singer, and a good woman. Do not let this puddle take anything from you.

Beth

DebzGirl

this is wigth this im the same weight as when i met him he says its about health and that he loves me as I am and that im very attractive. But I need an operation and the hospital says I cant have the operation untill i lose the weight. Then he bitches at me all night out that every guy in the places wants to sleep with me.

wicked

He sounds just as insecure as my ex.
My new friend likes the way I am built.
I feel comfortable around my new friend, never felt safe or secure with my ex.
Cause he never trusted himself.

Beth

DebzGirl

im leaving for the meeting in about 30 minutes at the moment i do nothing but cry im finding it very hard the break up of this and i know this meeting is impritive if i am to heal frm all this. But even though you are attached to an addicted toxic person why is it so hard to let go ????

outtolunch

I suspect your hopeful fantasy of perfection does not include someone who exposes himself in public, hides under tables, sucks toes in public, talks to himself while naked outside and expects you to lose weight as a condition of marriage.

2 people have to engage in a 21 hour text war, no?

I suspect he's also abusing drugs and/or is seriously way off his rocker.

What about any of this is acceptable behavior to you?

DebzGirl

have come home and its 4:30 in the morning i cant sleep i feel ever so angry. Im angry at him for all the damage hes done i have this urge to text him all night and let him now i think he is the biggest rectum in the morning. I am angry at myself for loving him. I want to know how in three months i have lost that smiling fun person that i was before him???

DebzGirl

Yes i particpated in the text war too i was so engaged in this that i spend most of my part in it begging for his forgiveness.
No I dont want that bizarre behaviour I have explained that i found out he has head injuries and doesnt take his medication in preference of drinking.
If that behaviour was acceptable i wouldnt be in this forum trying to find help and going to alanon meetings.
The relationship is over but I have been blamed for the break up because i desperately went through his fone looking for a freind to help me with him.
Obviously he asnt like this allthe time and earlier on when i fell in love he wasnt behaving like this..