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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
new here
Hello,
I've been reading the thread about things a normie wouldn't know and it stuns me. You mean other people have secretly sniffed their spouse's breath? Other people have KNOWN their spouse was drunk, despite their spouse swearing he hadn't been drinking?
My AH threatened to slit my throat the other night. He assured me he could do that before the police arrived (if I dared to call them. which I didn't.)
He is supposed to be leaving tonight. I'm walking on tiptoes trying not to enrage him, praying that he'll really go. I've asked him to move out for now because I can't take the craziness anymore. I'm torn between relief that maybe he'll be GONE soon and I don't have to be scared all the time, and sadness and worry at what will become of him. And then back to fear ... will he get drunk while gone and think everything is all my fault and come back here and hurt me?
How has my life gotten to this?
I've been reading the thread about things a normie wouldn't know and it stuns me. You mean other people have secretly sniffed their spouse's breath? Other people have KNOWN their spouse was drunk, despite their spouse swearing he hadn't been drinking?
My AH threatened to slit my throat the other night. He assured me he could do that before the police arrived (if I dared to call them. which I didn't.)
He is supposed to be leaving tonight. I'm walking on tiptoes trying not to enrage him, praying that he'll really go. I've asked him to move out for now because I can't take the craziness anymore. I'm torn between relief that maybe he'll be GONE soon and I don't have to be scared all the time, and sadness and worry at what will become of him. And then back to fear ... will he get drunk while gone and think everything is all my fault and come back here and hurt me?
How has my life gotten to this?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
First off, I would like to welcome you. Please protect yourself, as your AH is capable of doing most anything. As for worrying about him, he is an adult and is responsible for himself, his life, his future...you are not.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and those in the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...addicts are addicts no matter what their drug of choice is.
Keep postings, we are here for you.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and those in the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...addicts are addicts no matter what their drug of choice is.
Keep postings, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Oh sweetie, it sounds so hard.
It doesn't matter what he does, he will do what he will do, he is an alcoholic, the only one that can help him is him.
What is most important now is that you are safe, whatever that takes, staying there, changing locks, going somewhere else, contact a womens shelter, a Women's Resource Center, have someone come stay there with you, whatever you have to do to feel safe.
You do not have to do anything else right now but be safe.
Please keep us posted. The folks here are smart and loving and they care.
Hugs to you, Kate
It doesn't matter what he does, he will do what he will do, he is an alcoholic, the only one that can help him is him.
What is most important now is that you are safe, whatever that takes, staying there, changing locks, going somewhere else, contact a womens shelter, a Women's Resource Center, have someone come stay there with you, whatever you have to do to feel safe.
You do not have to do anything else right now but be safe.
Please keep us posted. The folks here are smart and loving and they care.
Hugs to you, Kate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
I thought this WAS the problem with the alcohol? He's not crazy unless he's drinking. When someone described seeing the reptilian look appear in their eyes -- i KNOW that look! Or when their smile turns to a sneer. I know that feeling too. He told me the day after he threatened me that I was being melodramatic about what he said. He's never hit me (just threatened) ... and so don't I "know" he wouldn't really do it?
Well, no, I don't know that. It sure as heck feels real while he's threatening me.
I know I'm in danger. I'm trying to keep the situation calm so that he moves out peacefully.
Well, no, I don't know that. It sure as heck feels real while he's threatening me.
I know I'm in danger. I'm trying to keep the situation calm so that he moves out peacefully.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
Call the police straight away if things kick off, if you can, put your mobile phone on record if u have that facility to use as evidence. Or purchase a dictaphone asap to record any threats or activity. If nothing else, play it back to him when he is sober to show what a nasty evil person he turns into!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I was assaulted by my AH many years ago and I did not see it coming.
I'd been away visiting a friend during the evening. I came home, AH was drunk, child upstairs in bed, and I KNEW not to confront my AH when drunk. He had never hit me but he would break things in the house when drunk and my intuition told me not to confront him. I quietly said hello and went upstairs, checked on my child, put on my nightgown and got into bed. I had decided I would confront him the next day when he was sober.
But you never know what's going through a drunk's mind. Some alcoholics store their resentments, nurse their resentments, and one instant in a drunken rage, they can cross that final line and HURT us.
My AH threw open the bedroom door and came after me. I yelled to my child--still awake--to run. I ran. We both ran, down the stairs and out of the house in the middle of the night, the AH hitting me from behind, trying to push me to the ground. I called out for help. The neighbors came running.
AH went back into the house and locked the doors. My child and I were taken into a neighbor's house. I called the police. They arrested AH and took him to jail that night.
I did not see this coming, this assault, because we had no fight. No loud voices, no confrontation. I came home. Found him drinking. Quietly went to bed. Was assaulted.
He was a polished, fascinating English professor, and that night, he made the turn into a batterer.
I moved my child and me out of the house. We went to another town and I did not let AH have our address. I met with him in counseling. But he was unwilling to give up the alcohol.
He never knew where I was living and thank God. I had learned--and by God's grace survived--that he was capable of assault. This man who loved "Moby Dick" and big dogs and Tai Chi. I believed he would kill me. He was a monster when drunk.
I did not know anything about alcoholism then. I didn't know he would drink anywhere, anytime, and had no control over his drinking or his drunken behavior. He needed treatment and without it, he would not ever get better. He would get worse.
I tell you my story to help you understand that when an alcoholic threatens to kill you, take it seriously. And that being quiet around him does not always help.
Please listen to Anvilhead. You need to do all those things. And when you get a chance, you need to leave him.
I'd been away visiting a friend during the evening. I came home, AH was drunk, child upstairs in bed, and I KNEW not to confront my AH when drunk. He had never hit me but he would break things in the house when drunk and my intuition told me not to confront him. I quietly said hello and went upstairs, checked on my child, put on my nightgown and got into bed. I had decided I would confront him the next day when he was sober.
But you never know what's going through a drunk's mind. Some alcoholics store their resentments, nurse their resentments, and one instant in a drunken rage, they can cross that final line and HURT us.
My AH threw open the bedroom door and came after me. I yelled to my child--still awake--to run. I ran. We both ran, down the stairs and out of the house in the middle of the night, the AH hitting me from behind, trying to push me to the ground. I called out for help. The neighbors came running.
AH went back into the house and locked the doors. My child and I were taken into a neighbor's house. I called the police. They arrested AH and took him to jail that night.
I did not see this coming, this assault, because we had no fight. No loud voices, no confrontation. I came home. Found him drinking. Quietly went to bed. Was assaulted.
He was a polished, fascinating English professor, and that night, he made the turn into a batterer.
I moved my child and me out of the house. We went to another town and I did not let AH have our address. I met with him in counseling. But he was unwilling to give up the alcohol.
He never knew where I was living and thank God. I had learned--and by God's grace survived--that he was capable of assault. This man who loved "Moby Dick" and big dogs and Tai Chi. I believed he would kill me. He was a monster when drunk.
I did not know anything about alcoholism then. I didn't know he would drink anywhere, anytime, and had no control over his drinking or his drunken behavior. He needed treatment and without it, he would not ever get better. He would get worse.
I tell you my story to help you understand that when an alcoholic threatens to kill you, take it seriously. And that being quiet around him does not always help.
Please listen to Anvilhead. You need to do all those things. And when you get a chance, you need to leave him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 11
How Serious it is
Saljay, please be careful and smart. How serious could an alcoholics threat really be? Here's my example: I am 6'4", 240 lbs. Friends have called me "a brick wall". My AW is 5'4", 140 lbs. She drove her scooter ( no car due to a DUI 7 years ago) 5 miles across town to my work while drunk and attempted to beat me senseless, and did not stop throwing punches and kicks untill multiple people had come outside and told her the police were on the way. Logic takes a back seat to drunkenness as do thoughts of consequences. He said "slit your throat" which suggests to me anyway that it is somewhere in his mind (otherwise how would he say it), and that alone is enough to be the ultimate red flag or red alert. Be careful, please. NO ONE IS WORTH YOUR LIFE. PS: No, I did not hit her back--I only say that because its the most popular question I have been asked about the situation so far. Things will get better--won't it be nice to be around for them. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
Thank you all. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that he meant what he said. He did move out tonight. He will be staying on our boat. He didn't take everything, but he took clothes and computer and enough to get by. I had to drive him because right now he doesn't have a license because of DUI. He is calm right now, and sober today, but I sensed anger under the surface, so I kept quiet.
I am looking forward to a day when I don't have to be nervous and walk on tiptoes. When my life is peaceful and calm. That will be a wonderful day! But the important thing is he is out of the house tonight and the front door is locked. I will sleep with my cell phone under my pillow. I am embarrassed to admit this, feel like maybe I *am* being melodramatic as he claims, but I put a hammer under the bed. Someday I hope to look back at this and think, "did this seem NORMAL?" but right now, it all feels very normal.
I am looking forward to a day when I don't have to be nervous and walk on tiptoes. When my life is peaceful and calm. That will be a wonderful day! But the important thing is he is out of the house tonight and the front door is locked. I will sleep with my cell phone under my pillow. I am embarrassed to admit this, feel like maybe I *am* being melodramatic as he claims, but I put a hammer under the bed. Someday I hope to look back at this and think, "did this seem NORMAL?" but right now, it all feels very normal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Dont' be embarrassed about anything.
When you are threatened you need to take steps to protect yourself.
Please get some support and maybe some counseling.
You are raw and emotional and vunerable right now, let someone help you through this time.
When you are threatened you need to take steps to protect yourself.
Please get some support and maybe some counseling.
You are raw and emotional and vunerable right now, let someone help you through this time.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Look up the number of your nearest Domestic Violence Center and put it in your contacts on your cell phone.
Change the locks tomorrow and add a new deadbolt.
If you have an alarm system, change the deactivate and activate codes and call the company to find out how to deactivate the motion sensors during the day while you are home and walking around the house and then activate them when you go to bed.
Please be aware that this man is CAPABLE OF ANYTHING drunk or sober.
Protect yourself please.
Listen carefully to the advice and instructions from the DV Center, they have experience and know some things you can do and some practices you can incorporate into your day to help you stay safe.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs,
Change the locks tomorrow and add a new deadbolt.
If you have an alarm system, change the deactivate and activate codes and call the company to find out how to deactivate the motion sensors during the day while you are home and walking around the house and then activate them when you go to bed.
Please be aware that this man is CAPABLE OF ANYTHING drunk or sober.
Protect yourself please.
Listen carefully to the advice and instructions from the DV Center, they have experience and know some things you can do and some practices you can incorporate into your day to help you stay safe.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
If he's never touched a single hair on your head, the threats are just as abusive. What I've learned since my husband quit drinking is that he no longer drinks. That is the only thing that has changed.
He'll try to talk his way back, he'll beg, and that part of you that loves him will want to let him. Don't. Abusive is abusive, drunk or sober. If he threatened to slit your throat, assume that for once in his life he is telling the truth.
He'll try to talk his way back, he'll beg, and that part of you that loves him will want to let him. Don't. Abusive is abusive, drunk or sober. If he threatened to slit your throat, assume that for once in his life he is telling the truth.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Three words: Personal Protective Order.
You can apply for one at your local law enforcement. It will give them a "heads up" that if you call, they need to come....fast. It will also alert the courts that he has threatened violence, so if something does happens to you (God forbid), they are going to look very hard at him. Any time he has to be in contact with you, you have the right to police protection.
I would seriously consider it. Hugs, Magic
You can apply for one at your local law enforcement. It will give them a "heads up" that if you call, they need to come....fast. It will also alert the courts that he has threatened violence, so if something does happens to you (God forbid), they are going to look very hard at him. Any time he has to be in contact with you, you have the right to police protection.
I would seriously consider it. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
Katie, I think so. Haven't heard from him today, so don't know what's going on with him.
I want to go to an alanon meeting tonight, and will do that if I can get my work covered. If not, I plan to go tomorrow night. I will also try to set up an appt with my therapist because I'm feeling guilty and worrying about him, which feels NUTS. But I'm on my guard and hoping for a calm day. THanks for asking!
Reading all the things people wrote, it's hard to believe we're talking about my *husband* ... an abuser? Me, abused? So hard to wrap my head around it.
I want to go to an alanon meeting tonight, and will do that if I can get my work covered. If not, I plan to go tomorrow night. I will also try to set up an appt with my therapist because I'm feeling guilty and worrying about him, which feels NUTS. But I'm on my guard and hoping for a calm day. THanks for asking!
Reading all the things people wrote, it's hard to believe we're talking about my *husband* ... an abuser? Me, abused? So hard to wrap my head around it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
So glad you are safe.
I know the feeling guilty thing, I have been there, but there is nothing to feel guilty for. Alcoholics have a wonderful way of guilting us into feeling like we did something wrong and we need to apologize and repent.
These feelings will come and go, just keep moving forward and do go to your therapist and al anon, it is so important to get support.
Have you contacted your therapist???? If not, give him her a jingle and get them up to speed.
Your feelings are going to be all over the place, I was addicted to my xab, I would feel guilty, apologize and the very next contact would be him abusing me, threatening me, it took me a long time to get it, you situation is dire, it will take sometime for you to not feel responsible, saljay, you are not responsible/
What has worked best for me, and what has gotten me over the hump is just doing what people have said to do, stay away. Everytime I did not heed that advice, I payed for it.
I know the feeling guilty thing, I have been there, but there is nothing to feel guilty for. Alcoholics have a wonderful way of guilting us into feeling like we did something wrong and we need to apologize and repent.
These feelings will come and go, just keep moving forward and do go to your therapist and al anon, it is so important to get support.
Have you contacted your therapist???? If not, give him her a jingle and get them up to speed.
Your feelings are going to be all over the place, I was addicted to my xab, I would feel guilty, apologize and the very next contact would be him abusing me, threatening me, it took me a long time to get it, you situation is dire, it will take sometime for you to not feel responsible, saljay, you are not responsible/
What has worked best for me, and what has gotten me over the hump is just doing what people have said to do, stay away. Everytime I did not heed that advice, I payed for it.
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