SoaringSpirits

I see my AH every few days (we are separated 11 months and have a fairly amicable relationship). I am attending Al Anon, educating myself and all that and I think I'm doing a decent job of detaching and taking care of myself and moving on with my own life. For the most part I've released him and know he has to make his own choices. It makes me very sad that he continues to drink but I know I can't change that.

His alcohol breath smell seems to be a huge trigger for me. I remember when we were still together how we'd attend school functions and he'd have alcohol on his breath, and I'd feel so embarrassed. I've done so well with detaching in other ways, but I'm really struggling with the olfactory aspect of detachment --- the vodka breath just hits me so hard and I seem to experience an almost visceral reaction. He acts sober and normal; I've not seen him obviously intoxicated in nearly a year. It's the booze breath, always there, that reminds me of what happens when he's alone every night (and possibly afternoon...)

We see each other every few days (we have kids). His breath smells like the citrus vodka he drinks. Yesterday, we watched a badminton game our daughter was playing in and had a pleasant conversation, but the smell of his breath really triggered me. I find my body tensing up, this strange "fight or flight" rush. It triggers me to the point where I struggle to continue having a civil conversation with him and privately feel very angry.

I start with a new counselor next week who specializes in addiction stuff and will talk to her about this, but for now would appreciate SR input about how to cope.

If I'm smelling vodka breath at 4pm in the afternoon, could that smell be from the vodka drunk the NIGHT before? I have at times smelled it in the afternoon and wondered if it could be from more recent use, like that day, and I worry about him driving the kids. He never acts intoxicated.

Justfor1

He could be having "a few" Vodkas in the morning to stop the shakes/anxiety and then really hit the bottle in the evening. It's quite possible for an alcoholic to get a DUI in the morning going to work even though they drank the night before. The amount & tolerance some alcoholics have is unreal.

Thumper

I don't have input to your specific questions about vodka. My xah drank beer and I could smell that on his breath (yuck) but the smell that triggers me is just that 'alcoholic' smell that oozed out of his pours. It was with him all the time even before he started drinking (but he drank every day). I no longer see him but I can smell that smell when I'm shopping, or eating out, or among a group of strangers - I smelled it at a work conference two weeks ago. I get very triggered by it, just like you describe, and that is with complete strangers.

wicked

I recognize that "pore oozing toxins" could be from the night before, but, my personal opinion it is from keeping at a certain blood alcohol level. That would be from constant drinking, nearly every day, so it doesn't have to be that day, but within 48 hours. (Especially if you have been keeping a good high level for years.)
The other odor to me is "fresher" (yeah it still stinks) but that to me is because it is still in the stomach and hasn't been digested yet.

My father drank vodka, so I recognize the oozing toxins and the fresher drink still in his mouth.
I, too, have smelled it in the grocery store, the bank, well, so many places. A couple of times, I had to leave the line and come back later. I can't take it for too long.

SoaringSpirit, I am a recovering alcoholic and I can almost say for sure, he is driving the kids around drunk. I bet he has a special cup or something he has in the car, and takes a gulp or two before talking to you. This is my personal experience, and I say this with regret too. I drove many times drunk with my kids, I am so ashamed of myself for that.
That feeling of shame, I keep a little bit, to remind me how bad it was. It is only by the grace of my higher power I had no accidents or DUIs.
An alcoholic crosses a line, and then you are drinking to maintain like Justfor1 said.
I don't remember when that happened to me, but it did. I went nowhere without some beer or getting some on the way. Then I just stopped going anywhere.

Beth

boomerlady

That smell of alcohol on their breath triggers me too. I smell it on my AH many times when we go somewhere after work or on the weekend. I don't see what he drank but am well aware from that breath that he's drinking. I think it's a trigger because it reminds me that anything can happen and alerts me to the fact that the alcohol is in control. I detest the smell and dream of never smelling it again.

wicked

Me too! Not from me, not from others.

SoaringSpirits

Thanks everyone. I think what troubles me by far the most is wondering if he's driving intoxicated. He is not supposed to drink around the kids, but you all know how that goes. The CIA should hire alcoholics to advise them on how to do things secretively.

I'm really looking forward to starting work with this new counselor. She specializes in addiction and I really need someone who can help me wrap my head around things.

I'm stunned sometimes when I see how far reaching the effects of living with an alcoholic are, how it has affected me on so many levels, right down to sense of smell.

BobbyJ

I had a customer come into my work on Friday morning at 9:30am
I smelled it again, for the first time in a year
It honestly made me shiver and gag.
But I Thank God, I got to smell it again, Kept me from forgetting how awful it really is...

Justfor1

Soaring, while it's true that alcoholics can be very secretive (CIA style) in the beginning & middle stages of alcoholism towards the end not so. Late stage alcoholics reach a stage where they cannot hide the appearance, stumbling around ect.... At this point most know the are incredibly addicted to booze & can't stop.

wicked

This is great news SoaringSpirits, an addiction specialist will help you get through it.
Can't say you won't react the same way about the smell! It still bothers me sometimes, and I could look at that as a reminder, Never Again.

Beth

mayalewiston

I know exactly what you mean. I recently went into the home that AH and I formerly shared (he is still living there) and the alcohol stench was just everywhere, even though he hadn't even been there in over 24 hours. His dirty clothes were strung all over the house (he was never messy when we lived together) and they just reeked of vodka/sweat/grossness.

The other major trigger for me is that glossy vodka-filled look in AH's eyes... ugh, I was going through my Facebook page yesterday and deleting all photos of him and I noticed how many photos there were of him where he actually had that disgusting look on his face... It's uncomprehendable to me how I didn't see it before...

Linkmeister

I ran into my EXABF a couple of weeks ago in the grocery store. That smell just oozed from him and I actually stepped back a few steps as he talked. Took me back to the worst days that we endured when the whole place reeked of it. The bedroom was the worst-spent many a night on the couch to get away from that stench. S

Smelling that smell again was just a reminder to me of the reason why we broke up. It just goes to show how certain smells trigger powerful memories.

The second biggest trigger for me (and still is) is hearing a can of pop/beer open. When I hear that sound, I cringe as I knew that the first opening was the start of another binge. To this day, I drink my pop from a bottle.

fourmaggie

you just brought me back to an AH HA moment...wow

Marytherboo

Resonated to the glassy-eyed look. If I die before seeing that again, it'll be too soon!

SoaringSpirits

I can so relate to this. Now that my AH and I don't live together, I see him (relatively) sober much more often. His eyes are fairly clear. When he's under the influence or hung over from his usual night of solo vodka tonic drinking, his eyes are glassy and and a little puffy.

When we lived together and I noticed the glassy, puffy eyes, I chalked it up to seasonal allergies. How's that for denial?!

StarCat

In my case, I had tons of pictures because XABF insisted that I had to scrapbook. Going through photographs afterwards, throwing out printed ones I no longer wanted (I am keeping the digital versions on data DVDs, since that's a part of my life, too, and a good reminder to me of what to steer clear of)... So much of them he had a bright red face, and I can't believe I didn't notice before.

I'm dreading what's in the scrapbook pages I had already made.
(Not quite at the point where I'm going to start digging through those... No attachment to the pictures of him in there, I just feel I did a really good job putting the pages together and I'm not really sure if I want to remove the pictures/pages from/about/with him and try to make the remaining ones look nice, or simply throw out everything all together. So I'm holding off on that until I decide).

I think we really do glaze over that which we don't want to admit to ourselves.

Freedom1990

As both a recovering alcoholic/addict, and a recovering codependent, I find the smell of alcohol on someone's breath repulsive. I have for years. I don't see that changing. It is what it is.

painterman

It is a repulsive smell, particularly combined with strong chewing gum in an attempt to disguise it.

posiesperson

Oh yes, vodka...with Listerine. I could smell it as soon as I saw my exA. Who told me, of course, that I wasn't smelling vodka, "because people don't smell vodka on your breath. That's why I drink it."

Wow.

And yes, I can smell it on other people too. As soon as I do I thank the Universe for the heads-up, and walk away.

posie

RoundII

Thank you for this thread. I have the same trigger with the alchohol breath. I was thinking about it just yesterday how I use it as an indicator to see if the AW has started yet today.
I need to work on this trigger as I tend to ignore or discount the conversation we are having since I know she is probably drunk again. I find I am sometimes rude or combative in conversations once i smell the distictive odor in passing, and don't feel good about it once I realized what I was doing. I know that my behavior will not change her sobriety status, and will only increase tension between us.
I still hate the smell as it is a reminder of sad times in the past and future pain.