Feel like I have nothing left
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1
Feel like I have nothing left
Hi all, I'm new here and married to an addict/alcoholic. To give a very brief history ... I had no idea she had issues when we met. Everything seemed great, we talked, played, laughed, fought, everything a couple should. Then one day I got a call she had overdosed on drugs she had been stealing from work (hospital) for years. And once she lost her access, she turned to alcohol. I was shocked, crushed and saddened, but I loved her (still do!) and decided to stick by her side.
Fast forward 2.5 years and she's been in and out of three inpatient programs. She's been clean for over a year (yay!), but the severe depresion and anxiety remain. She had been really good about going to meetings and I could see the difference. Things were better for a while.
But, for the last six months or so the meetings have dwindled. The depression takes over much more often again. She sleeps ALL the time and really has a hard time coping with anything. She's irritable and often gets upset. We don't play and laugh anymore.
And because she lost her job to all this it's had huge financial implications. I'm working like crazy to try to keep us afloat, plus take care of everything else that's part of life. I've read books, done lots of counseling, tried some Al Anon meetings ... but haven't seen much change. I know part of it's me, but honestly, the pressure of having to worry about her and take care of everything to try to survive ... I feel like it's crushing me.
I was reading through some of the posts and know I'm not alone. I just don't know how to cope anymore. For the first couple years I just wanted her to get better ... I didn't feel resentful. But after this much time I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve this. That she's not the woman I originally fell in love with. And honestly, I'm just not sure how to have it all make sense. How do I live like this AND take care of myself?
Sorry to ramble and any/all insight welcome!
Fast forward 2.5 years and she's been in and out of three inpatient programs. She's been clean for over a year (yay!), but the severe depresion and anxiety remain. She had been really good about going to meetings and I could see the difference. Things were better for a while.
But, for the last six months or so the meetings have dwindled. The depression takes over much more often again. She sleeps ALL the time and really has a hard time coping with anything. She's irritable and often gets upset. We don't play and laugh anymore.
And because she lost her job to all this it's had huge financial implications. I'm working like crazy to try to keep us afloat, plus take care of everything else that's part of life. I've read books, done lots of counseling, tried some Al Anon meetings ... but haven't seen much change. I know part of it's me, but honestly, the pressure of having to worry about her and take care of everything to try to survive ... I feel like it's crushing me.
I was reading through some of the posts and know I'm not alone. I just don't know how to cope anymore. For the first couple years I just wanted her to get better ... I didn't feel resentful. But after this much time I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve this. That she's not the woman I originally fell in love with. And honestly, I'm just not sure how to have it all make sense. How do I live like this AND take care of myself?
Sorry to ramble and any/all insight welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
ahusband, u r not alone any more. there is help here. we all have an addict in our life. mine is my son & it is hard to cope. when i came here i had been all alone. today i read around & learn. first off this is not your fault. you do deserve better. make rules for her if you are not ready to leave & if u r that is a good thing too. the 3 c's are you did not Cause it, you can not Control it, & you can not Cure it. she has got to help herself. she has got to hit her bottom. keep comiong back. we r here for you. God bless you,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, and yes, you sound very burdened and overwhelmed.
Has your RAW seen a physician for her clinical depression? Anti-depressants are not mood altering substances nor are they addictive. They bring the levels of serotonin and cortisol back to normal levels and are extremely beneficial for those who are leveled by medical depression and have saved many lives which might have been lost to organ damage, brain damage, and suicide, all which can be the result of severe clinical depression. Not to mention the marriages these medicines have saved, the children who have gotten their mother or father back, and the avoidance of a devastating loss of income due to disability. Depression is like a dark cloud which settles over the entire family. It is a treatable mental illness. I know several people in my life who needed treatment and who sought it and got well again. The more tried and true anti-depressants, rather than the new exotic ones, are best to start with, simply because of their track record.
Do you have time at all in your daily routine for vigorous exercise? Do you have male friends with whom you can cycle or bowl? Something like that. Because you are in serious need of a balance between work and play. You are experiencing burnout, from your description of your life. Google "burnout" and see if it fits.
Thank goodness you and your wife both attend meetings. You both really need that interaction and that expansion of your lives beyond the home. You also need the constant reminder not to rescue her from anything she should be doing for herself.
That said, though, clinical depression is debilitating, and while we are not to rescue addicts from the consequences of their addiction, we get into a gray area when severe depression is the primary illness, for people who are suffering from depression actually do need intervention and more personal care (which is depleting to the caretaker).
So I hope you will see her severe depression as a separate medical issue needing attention and treatment today, and I hope you will see if you can get a referral to a good doctor for her and can accompany her to an assessment. When people are severely depressed, they have trouble retaining information and trouble communicating. They feel worthless and feel they do not deserve to be happy. They lose all hope for the future. And there is a complete absence of pleasure in their lives. It all is the result of a combination of biology and psyche. And the best treatment is a combination of medicine and therapy. If any psychiatrist or doctor wants to prescribe medicine without the caveat that she also have ongoing therapy, that person is not the right doctor, in my opinion.
I'm glad you found SR. Also, one of our members is a former nurse who also lost her license as the result of drugs and has rebuilt her life. I hope she'll catch this post and respond.
Has your RAW seen a physician for her clinical depression? Anti-depressants are not mood altering substances nor are they addictive. They bring the levels of serotonin and cortisol back to normal levels and are extremely beneficial for those who are leveled by medical depression and have saved many lives which might have been lost to organ damage, brain damage, and suicide, all which can be the result of severe clinical depression. Not to mention the marriages these medicines have saved, the children who have gotten their mother or father back, and the avoidance of a devastating loss of income due to disability. Depression is like a dark cloud which settles over the entire family. It is a treatable mental illness. I know several people in my life who needed treatment and who sought it and got well again. The more tried and true anti-depressants, rather than the new exotic ones, are best to start with, simply because of their track record.
Do you have time at all in your daily routine for vigorous exercise? Do you have male friends with whom you can cycle or bowl? Something like that. Because you are in serious need of a balance between work and play. You are experiencing burnout, from your description of your life. Google "burnout" and see if it fits.
Thank goodness you and your wife both attend meetings. You both really need that interaction and that expansion of your lives beyond the home. You also need the constant reminder not to rescue her from anything she should be doing for herself.
That said, though, clinical depression is debilitating, and while we are not to rescue addicts from the consequences of their addiction, we get into a gray area when severe depression is the primary illness, for people who are suffering from depression actually do need intervention and more personal care (which is depleting to the caretaker).
So I hope you will see her severe depression as a separate medical issue needing attention and treatment today, and I hope you will see if you can get a referral to a good doctor for her and can accompany her to an assessment. When people are severely depressed, they have trouble retaining information and trouble communicating. They feel worthless and feel they do not deserve to be happy. They lose all hope for the future. And there is a complete absence of pleasure in their lives. It all is the result of a combination of biology and psyche. And the best treatment is a combination of medicine and therapy. If any psychiatrist or doctor wants to prescribe medicine without the caveat that she also have ongoing therapy, that person is not the right doctor, in my opinion.
I'm glad you found SR. Also, one of our members is a former nurse who also lost her license as the result of drugs and has rebuilt her life. I hope she'll catch this post and respond.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I was reading through some of the posts and know I'm not alone. I just don't know how to cope anymore. For the first couple years I just wanted her to get better ... I didn't feel resentful. But after this much time I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve this. That she's not the woman I originally fell in love with. And honestly, I'm just not sure how to have it all make sense. How do I live like this AND take care of myself?
Depression is a strange beast, and as someone that's dealt with it my whole life, the best advice I can give you is to have your wife evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible. So long as your wife isn't suicidal, she can be evaluated on an out-patient basis. Finding a strong balance of medicines (mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, natural supplements, etc) is important, but they won't help unless she gets into counseling. If she is suicidal or makes threats, she may have to go in-patient again to get stable.
Please don't personalize this. Yes, she's sick, but it's got nothing to do with you or anything that you think you may have or haven't done.
I have to stress that she is responsible for her well-being and recovery. If she stopped going to meetings, there's nothing you can do about that. What it really sounds like is you've been so wrapped up in her issues, you've forgotten to take care of you. And that isn't healthy. If you have not attended either Al Anon or Nar Anon, I strongly suggest you do so. Do not isolate from your friends, your family, and people who care about you. It's important that you have a support system for you.
Once you're above five posts, you can send members private messages. Write me whenever you wish and we can talk.
Good luck,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
I just don't know how to cope anymore. For the first couple years I just wanted her to get better ... I didn't feel resentful. But after this much time I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve this. That she's not the woman I originally fell in love with. And honestly, I'm just not sure how to have it all make sense. How do I live like this AND take care of myself?
Welcome to SR. You are not alone, and it's obvious you are overwhelmed. I've felt much like you described in your whole post, only my addict was my 27 year old son. In my situation, I could not make sense of it and I reached the point where I could not take care of a grown man and take care of myself. I was collapsing under the weight of it all. In fact, I was not taking care of myself at all. For me, I had to make the decision to allow my AS to suffer the consequences himself. My suffering didn't impact him in the least.
What would happen if you had an absolute emergency and had to leave town for, say, two weeks? Could she take care of herself and the activities of daily living without you there? Who would she depend on if you were not around? Just food for thought.
Welcome to SR. You are not alone, and it's obvious you are overwhelmed. I've felt much like you described in your whole post, only my addict was my 27 year old son. In my situation, I could not make sense of it and I reached the point where I could not take care of a grown man and take care of myself. I was collapsing under the weight of it all. In fact, I was not taking care of myself at all. For me, I had to make the decision to allow my AS to suffer the consequences himself. My suffering didn't impact him in the least.
What would happen if you had an absolute emergency and had to leave town for, say, two weeks? Could she take care of herself and the activities of daily living without you there? Who would she depend on if you were not around? Just food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but as always, I'm so sorry for what brings you here.
Your post left me wondering whether you have a support system. Friends or family close by? Is she getting any help for her depression? It's so good that she has a year sober. I imagine that it can be very depressing to see how her drug addiction/ alcoholism has affected her life.....and she's having to face that stone cold sober.
Can you share what she has done to address this issue? Is she unwilling?
It's very possible that she was using/drinking to deal with depression by self medicating and this time sober is allowing the real problem to surface.
One day at a time. You and your dear wife will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Your post left me wondering whether you have a support system. Friends or family close by? Is she getting any help for her depression? It's so good that she has a year sober. I imagine that it can be very depressing to see how her drug addiction/ alcoholism has affected her life.....and she's having to face that stone cold sober.
Can you share what she has done to address this issue? Is she unwilling?
It's very possible that she was using/drinking to deal with depression by self medicating and this time sober is allowing the real problem to surface.
One day at a time. You and your dear wife will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
AHusband,
So sorry you are here under such dire circumstances......but I guess we all are. I just wanted to say 'you are not alone, we understand, and we are here for you'. My addict is my husband and much like you, I had no idea there was a problem until suddenly, there was a PROBLEM. We have been together 8 years and I recently found out that he has been using cocaine the entire 8 years. Yes, seriously! We are now married and have a 3 year old son.....so imagine my surprise when he came to me out of the blue 2 months ago and said he needed help. I was shocked. I am still in shock, but he just returned from treatment Friday, actually, and here we are....starting over. All I can advise you to do is surround yourself with healthy, supportive people who love you because you can't do this alone. I also agree with another poster that she may need to see a doctor for her depression. Unfortunately, it often comes with sobriety if the addict doesn't really deal with the reason they became an addict to begin with. There is always a root. I wish you all the best! Keep posting and know we are here and we understand!
So sorry you are here under such dire circumstances......but I guess we all are. I just wanted to say 'you are not alone, we understand, and we are here for you'. My addict is my husband and much like you, I had no idea there was a problem until suddenly, there was a PROBLEM. We have been together 8 years and I recently found out that he has been using cocaine the entire 8 years. Yes, seriously! We are now married and have a 3 year old son.....so imagine my surprise when he came to me out of the blue 2 months ago and said he needed help. I was shocked. I am still in shock, but he just returned from treatment Friday, actually, and here we are....starting over. All I can advise you to do is surround yourself with healthy, supportive people who love you because you can't do this alone. I also agree with another poster that she may need to see a doctor for her depression. Unfortunately, it often comes with sobriety if the addict doesn't really deal with the reason they became an addict to begin with. There is always a root. I wish you all the best! Keep posting and know we are here and we understand!
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