Seeing The Goodness in Others
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Seeing The Goodness in Others
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
It is healthier to see the good points of others than to analyze our own bad ones.
—Francoise Sagan
Looking for the good in others is good for one's soul. Self-respect, self-love grows each time we openly acknowledge another's admirable qualities. Comparisons we make of ourselves with others, focusing on how we fail to measure up (another woman is prettier, thinner, more intelligent, has a better sense of humor, attracts people, and on and on) is a common experience. And we come away from the comparison feeling generally inadequate and unloving toward the other woman.
It is a spiritual truth that our love for and praise of others will improve our own self-image. It will rub off on us, so-to-speak. An improved self-image diminishes whatever bad qualities one has imagined.
Praise softens. Criticism hardens. We can become all that we want to become. We can draw the love of others to us as we more willingly offer love and praise. We have an opportunity to help one another as we help ourselves grow in the self-love that is so necessary to the successful living of each day.
I will see the good points in others today. And I will give praise.
From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.
It is healthier to see the good points of others than to analyze our own bad ones.
—Francoise Sagan
Looking for the good in others is good for one's soul. Self-respect, self-love grows each time we openly acknowledge another's admirable qualities. Comparisons we make of ourselves with others, focusing on how we fail to measure up (another woman is prettier, thinner, more intelligent, has a better sense of humor, attracts people, and on and on) is a common experience. And we come away from the comparison feeling generally inadequate and unloving toward the other woman.
It is a spiritual truth that our love for and praise of others will improve our own self-image. It will rub off on us, so-to-speak. An improved self-image diminishes whatever bad qualities one has imagined.
Praise softens. Criticism hardens. We can become all that we want to become. We can draw the love of others to us as we more willingly offer love and praise. We have an opportunity to help one another as we help ourselves grow in the self-love that is so necessary to the successful living of each day.
I will see the good points in others today. And I will give praise.
From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, seeing the good in others isn't often about me feeling "less than", but more about me learning to understand more about others.
If someone is miserable and cranky, I can scowl and walk away...or...I can think about it and realize that this person is probably in some kind of emotional pain. How we are inside usually reflects in how we appear to others.
If I show compassion and kindness to that person, it helps me avoid resentments and practice acceptance, and it just might help the other person feel befriended and less alone.
I need to remember that I am not others and they are not me. I may be in a different recovery place than they are...which means I can learn and grow, or I can have patience and understand that they are doing the best they can for today.
So maybe today, reach out and help a newcomer. Show kindness to someone in pain. And most of all find your own light and share it with those who are lost in the darkness today. Not long ago, that lost person was me.
Hugs
If someone is miserable and cranky, I can scowl and walk away...or...I can think about it and realize that this person is probably in some kind of emotional pain. How we are inside usually reflects in how we appear to others.
If I show compassion and kindness to that person, it helps me avoid resentments and practice acceptance, and it just might help the other person feel befriended and less alone.
I need to remember that I am not others and they are not me. I may be in a different recovery place than they are...which means I can learn and grow, or I can have patience and understand that they are doing the best they can for today.
So maybe today, reach out and help a newcomer. Show kindness to someone in pain. And most of all find your own light and share it with those who are lost in the darkness today. Not long ago, that lost person was me.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I once met a lady who had a seriously bad attitude. She was grumpy, short and downright rude. She's the agent for the management company that handles the rental I am in. Oh boy.
Over the last year I was respectful. Didn't respond to her jabs, or snide remarks. I kept it professional and thanked her for taking the time to take care of whatever maintenance thing I needed.
Yesterday she came by after lunch to take pics of the place as I am moving. I showed her the few dings I have made to the walls while moving furniture. A scratch on the wood floor. She asked me why I was leaving. I shared, in a very general way about my being laid off, and just a tiny little bit about my health problems.
Oh boy. About a year ago she lost her husband of 35 years to a sudden cancer. Next week her best friend died of an aneurysm, the week after that her adult son contracted another cancer and has been disabled and unemployed ever since. On the following week yours truly showed up at her office wanting a place to live on short notice.
No wonder she was grumpy, short and downright rude. We talked, or rather, I listened, 'till dinnertime, when she had to leave to look after her son. She actually smiled as she went out the door, and apologized for not having been herself.
At the other extreme there was a young lady I met at one of my meets. Every single meeting she would cry her heart out for the addict she loved. The other women would talk to her after the meet, suggest a good counselor, a shelter, and on and on. You all know the drill. Everybody repeated the same advice, over and over and over, and she never _once_ did anything that was suggested.
But she kept coming back.
I noticed she had a strong cajun accent. Having lived in New Orleans 3 years I recognized it. I would say hello when she arrived at the meet, pass the tissues, smiled and thanked her for showing up when I left. Nothing more. One night I accompanied her and a few of the ladies to the bus stop. The other ladies got on the bus toward the suburb, she got on the bus towards the very, very rich part of town.
I paid attention, noticed that she always declined when a reading was passed around, never accepted a phone list, and never looked anybody in the eye. I made it a point to sit next to her, and when it was my turn to give her the reading I just looked at her, noted her slight shake of the head and passed the reading to the next person without causing her embarrasment.
She did seem to connect with one of the gentler ladies in the meet, the wife of a guy I sponsored. One day, when it was just the two of them, I asked the newbie with the cajun accent if she knew how to read.
She burst out in tears. She was from bayou country. Never went to school, raised in a fishing shack up river without electricity, water, or even a sewer. She had run away from a horribly abusive family, wound up dancing in a *****-tonk outside New Orleans where a rich man offered to rescue her siblings from that fishing shack if she would marry him.
So she married him.
Seven years later she ended up in a meeting of al-anon. Still not knowing how to read. With a lot of very well-intentioned ladies getting frustrated at her lack of progress.
I called up some of the guys I know. One of them my sponsee; a cop. Another one a Navy Seal, another a monster biker. They all showed up at the meet, introduced themselves very politely and sat outside while the meeting went on. After the meet several of the ladies joined me, and the big dudes, and offered to take the newbie with the cajun accent directly to a shelter, if she so desired.
So she went. With a police escort, and a half dozen bad-@$$ bikers bringing up the rear.
The husband overdosed a few months later. The newbie learned how to read in 30 days, put herself thru dental hygiene school and now has her own home, job, and a really nice young man that treats her decent. There's a patrol car stops by to visit her once a month, and when she goes bicycling in the hills there will be a posse of sober bikers that cruise by and wave at her. The young man has gotten used to it
I've learned a great many things in recovery. The one lesson that I will never forget is that the only people that show up at a meeting are those that have bruises. Sometimes on the inside, sometimes on the outside. Until I have earned their trust to where they tell me about the bruises, I have no business doing anything other than be kind and compassionate. Only _after_ I know where it hurts can I know where it does _not_ hurt, and be able to share whatever experience may be relevant.
There is such a thing as "tough love". Unless you are a cop, or a sober biker, a navy seal, or a shrink, leave the "toughness" to the professionals. Otherwise you are just going to hurt somebody where they have already been bruised.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Over the last year I was respectful. Didn't respond to her jabs, or snide remarks. I kept it professional and thanked her for taking the time to take care of whatever maintenance thing I needed.
Yesterday she came by after lunch to take pics of the place as I am moving. I showed her the few dings I have made to the walls while moving furniture. A scratch on the wood floor. She asked me why I was leaving. I shared, in a very general way about my being laid off, and just a tiny little bit about my health problems.
Oh boy. About a year ago she lost her husband of 35 years to a sudden cancer. Next week her best friend died of an aneurysm, the week after that her adult son contracted another cancer and has been disabled and unemployed ever since. On the following week yours truly showed up at her office wanting a place to live on short notice.
No wonder she was grumpy, short and downright rude. We talked, or rather, I listened, 'till dinnertime, when she had to leave to look after her son. She actually smiled as she went out the door, and apologized for not having been herself.
At the other extreme there was a young lady I met at one of my meets. Every single meeting she would cry her heart out for the addict she loved. The other women would talk to her after the meet, suggest a good counselor, a shelter, and on and on. You all know the drill. Everybody repeated the same advice, over and over and over, and she never _once_ did anything that was suggested.
But she kept coming back.
I noticed she had a strong cajun accent. Having lived in New Orleans 3 years I recognized it. I would say hello when she arrived at the meet, pass the tissues, smiled and thanked her for showing up when I left. Nothing more. One night I accompanied her and a few of the ladies to the bus stop. The other ladies got on the bus toward the suburb, she got on the bus towards the very, very rich part of town.
I paid attention, noticed that she always declined when a reading was passed around, never accepted a phone list, and never looked anybody in the eye. I made it a point to sit next to her, and when it was my turn to give her the reading I just looked at her, noted her slight shake of the head and passed the reading to the next person without causing her embarrasment.
She did seem to connect with one of the gentler ladies in the meet, the wife of a guy I sponsored. One day, when it was just the two of them, I asked the newbie with the cajun accent if she knew how to read.
She burst out in tears. She was from bayou country. Never went to school, raised in a fishing shack up river without electricity, water, or even a sewer. She had run away from a horribly abusive family, wound up dancing in a *****-tonk outside New Orleans where a rich man offered to rescue her siblings from that fishing shack if she would marry him.
So she married him.
Seven years later she ended up in a meeting of al-anon. Still not knowing how to read. With a lot of very well-intentioned ladies getting frustrated at her lack of progress.
I called up some of the guys I know. One of them my sponsee; a cop. Another one a Navy Seal, another a monster biker. They all showed up at the meet, introduced themselves very politely and sat outside while the meeting went on. After the meet several of the ladies joined me, and the big dudes, and offered to take the newbie with the cajun accent directly to a shelter, if she so desired.
So she went. With a police escort, and a half dozen bad-@$$ bikers bringing up the rear.
The husband overdosed a few months later. The newbie learned how to read in 30 days, put herself thru dental hygiene school and now has her own home, job, and a really nice young man that treats her decent. There's a patrol car stops by to visit her once a month, and when she goes bicycling in the hills there will be a posse of sober bikers that cruise by and wave at her. The young man has gotten used to it
I've learned a great many things in recovery. The one lesson that I will never forget is that the only people that show up at a meeting are those that have bruises. Sometimes on the inside, sometimes on the outside. Until I have earned their trust to where they tell me about the bruises, I have no business doing anything other than be kind and compassionate. Only _after_ I know where it hurts can I know where it does _not_ hurt, and be able to share whatever experience may be relevant.
There is such a thing as "tough love". Unless you are a cop, or a sober biker, a navy seal, or a shrink, leave the "toughness" to the professionals. Otherwise you are just going to hurt somebody where they have already been bruised.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Judgement. If I take that out of the equation and stop seeing others through my own narrow view of the world, it opens me up to a world of wonder. Ann put it so well -I just never know what is in the world of the person I judge. Things don't have to be wrapped up in sugar coating to be respectful and compassionate.
I recently decided that if i was allowed to apply only two "rules" for living a better life, it would be the Serenity Prayer and the Golden Rule. They kinda sum it up in a real easy way.
I recently decided that if i was allowed to apply only two "rules" for living a better life, it would be the Serenity Prayer and the Golden Rule. They kinda sum it up in a real easy way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
I love your post, Ann
That is so true. I myself, have the habit of telling myself how fat I look today in these jeans, or how stupid I was about a situation. I do tend to pass that on to my BF.
I can see how seeing the good in others helps them, and helps us with our own self image.
That is so true. I myself, have the habit of telling myself how fat I look today in these jeans, or how stupid I was about a situation. I do tend to pass that on to my BF.
I can see how seeing the good in others helps them, and helps us with our own self image.
Celebrating Recovery
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 46
Everyone's 'bad' behaviours are just an attempt to fill their human needs, just as our alcoholic behaviour is/was. We are not liars or evil people, but we acted like it sometimes as it was all we knew to cope with our illness. This is what you have to remember about other people - however negative they appear, have compassion. they are doing it for a reason.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Leise, I too have regrets of my actions in the past. I can't change a single one but I can make amends by owning them and doing better in the future, and I am sure you have done the same thing. Perhaps we are better people today because of lessons like that learned from the past.
And Beth, thank you for that reminder. My son is not a bad person, he is a sick person who sometimes does bad things because of addiction. I KNOW his heart is good, it's just lost somewhere in his disease.
Just for today I will try to see beyond the worst in people and see through the pain to find the beauty.
Hugs
And Beth, thank you for that reminder. My son is not a bad person, he is a sick person who sometimes does bad things because of addiction. I KNOW his heart is good, it's just lost somewhere in his disease.
Just for today I will try to see beyond the worst in people and see through the pain to find the beauty.
Hugs
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Thank you Ann, this is a timely post. I have decided to make a "Thank you" list for each of my enemies or people I have problems with, one by one. I started with my XH and by the time I finished, I felt truly so grateful towards him. I realised what a big help he was in my personal growth. Some of the things I felt thankful for are:
- He gave me two beautiful children
- Thanks to him I had to learn to become financially independent
- Thanks to him, I became a much stronger person and learnt to deal with difficult people
- Thanks to him I took a very good stock take of myself and learnt who I truly am
- He did give me love
- He showed me a different side to life and thanks to him I knew I didn't want to follow that road
The list goes on and on. I came to see that he was a man that brought me many gifts. I intend to do the same with my AS.
- He gave me two beautiful children
- Thanks to him I had to learn to become financially independent
- Thanks to him, I became a much stronger person and learnt to deal with difficult people
- Thanks to him I took a very good stock take of myself and learnt who I truly am
- He did give me love
- He showed me a different side to life and thanks to him I knew I didn't want to follow that road
The list goes on and on. I came to see that he was a man that brought me many gifts. I intend to do the same with my AS.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Ann 
And Beth, thank you for that reminder. My son is not a bad person, he is a sick person who sometimes does bad things because of addiction. I KNOW his heart is good, it's just lost somewhere in his disease.
Just for today I will try to see beyond the worst in people and see through the pain to find the beauty.
Just for today I will try to see beyond the worst in people and see through the pain to find the beauty.
Thank you both and everyone else that posted. You may see a thread I started today about being angry with my AS - I needed this reminder to stop judging him, to remember that the addiction is in control right now. Thank you for a very timely post!
Last edited by DesertEyes; 03-12-2012 at 03:04 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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