klbutcher

OK so I am guessing if your on this site, then you know only too well the brutal effects of addiction. My partner is an alcoholic. When he came home from rehab and relapsed 6 months later with a new cross addiction to cocaine as well as alcohol, I learned the hard way that I have zero control over his life, his illness and that I too am powerless against his addiction. Admittedly I had to suffer a great deal to finally recognise that, had to feel totally and utterly helpless first, but sooner or later it comes, the time when you finally surrounder and accept you are powerless.

I keep my life as normal as possible, regardless of whether he is actively drinking/drug taking or not. Quiet a tricky thing to achieve when you live together, but in amongst the madness you find a way to do it... just about.

However there is one thing that drives me insane and I think that probably always will... when he goes out of his way to ''convince'' me he has not been using or drinking when it is clear as day that he has.

To hear the truth is always a relief, even when you don't like what you hear. But oh no, the nature of this illness, is secrets and lies all the way.

My A is active this weekend. Thursday (pay day),,, for any in the same position I wish you well and hope you manage to live a little regardless.

lizatola

That's my biggest problem with the disease, too. The lies when it's so obvious they are covering it up somehow anyway. Why not just admit it? Well, we all know that addictions are cunning and baffling and even the addict doesn't really know why they do the things they do.
When I was younger and attending church I remember hearing: the truth will set you free.
I guess our As don't want to be set free yet.
Keep working on you and find some serenity this weekend. Sending you support!

LifeRecovery

I struggle more hearing whatever my loved one is saying, and trying to make it into the truth.

I think recognizing it as a lie is a huge step, and not taking it on an even bigger one.

klbutcher

Always nice to know you are not alone and that others can relate to your story. Addiction is met with allot of critism, people lucky enough to never have experienced it can be quiet judgemental and really not understand the disease or even see it as a disease at all.

I can but hope that one day my alcoholic/addict will find recovery.

Take care of yourselves.

painterman

There really is no end to the lies an addict will tell, until perhaps the awful truth of their destructive behaviour confronts them. My partner is currently being nice to me, but I feel so alienated (stressed, lonely, tired) by a recent bout of drinking that I feel I can't truly reciprocate. Here's a classic denial line; If I confront my partner with last nights madness and show the bottle-her answer, 'you planted it!'

klbutcher

Painterman - They must say these things in desperation. It's almost like dealing with a child who has no concept how silly they sound.
My partner was doing cocaine last night,he tries that instead of drinking but you can bet your life he will drink today, always leads back to hi sprimary drug.
I gave him the oppertunity to be honest and talk about it if he so wished, but instead he denied it. Subsequently he kept me up all night because the drug kept him awake and needless to say this morning at 6.30am when I got up for work I was very fed up. He acted normal, even though I had slept on the sofa in the end and has since sent me text messages today asking if I am OK only apparently I seemed cross this morning? ..... his aim to make me believe I imagined it!

I feel stressed, lonely and tired too, Painterman. So tonight I have made plans with friends. My A and his drinking or not on my agenda this evening.

naive

kbutcher-

my A kept me up too. then i became sleep deprived. i actually started shifting my sleeping hours to when he was out at the pub drinking (4pm-3am). that's when i slept. when he came in at 3am, that's when i got up for the day.

this was because when he was drunk, he'd drop cigarettes and/or decide to cook.

it was crazy. of course, there was no talking to him. he'd say he only had 3 pints but was wholly smashed.

so, at the end, i decided i couldn't speak to him about anything, because it all just went around in circles. what was a lie? what was the truth?

personally, i myself choose not to live with an addict. it's much better. for example, last night i went to bed at 10am, read a little bit and woke naturally at 5am, refreshed.

when the simple things like a good night's sleep are no longer possible, our mental, emotional, physical health suffers.

take care,
naive

klbutcher

Hi Neive, I totally agree. I simply can't function when I am sleep depreived. My parents live two roads from me and when times are hard, that's where I head for the weekend to stay and recover . My A hates us being apart but well thats just tough, isn't it.

Take Care Neive.

EnglishGarden

When I was married to an alcoholic, he, too, would deny he had been drinking the night before even though the completely empty bottle of whiskey was on the kitchen counter where he left it.

As I look back, I think both my Higher Power and his Higher Power were both telling us why our family was falling apart. Why was sitting right there on the kitchen counter.

At the time, I thought if I just kept pouring out the whiskey or monitoring his drinks for him, that would be the answer. Control was the answer.

He thought he didn't have a drinking problem. He thought I was the problem.

I moved out. I was part of the problem, I really was. He was right.

Are you?

BillyPilgrim

As a recovering alcoholic I know the situation. I said that I had not drunk or only had one when people asked, because I genuinely believed I was hiding my drunkenness well. I couldnt hear nor see the state I was in, and thought I was clearly enunciating every word in the Queen's best English.
We aren't trying to fool you we genuinely believe we are ok.

mayalewiston

I completely understand what you are going through. My AH cannot stop lying to me about it to the point of ridiculousness. He would go out of his way to make up these crazy stories to make me think he wasn't drinking that were not even necessary. For example, he came home so excited to tell me a few weeks ago that his new boss is quite possibly also an alcoholic as he mentioned that the boss said he "gave up drinking and smoking years ago." This was in a phase when AH was pretending to want to get sober, so he acted so excited that he would not be in a position where he would be at awkward work dinners, etc... Sure enough, it only took seeing the boss once in a social setting to realize that was, of course, not true. By no means do I think his boss has a drinking problem, but he had no problem ordering a glass of wine so clearly he never said he didn't drink... ugh, it's so frustrating to me that he would go to the extent of making up such a lie. I've even tried to tell AH how much his lies are killing my mental sanity... so he wrote out a "contract" stating that he was done lying to me because I deserve better, etc... and that if he ever lied to me again that he would walk away because I deserve better.... Two weeks later I find out he lied to me only 4 days after writing that. Commitments and follow through mean NOTHING to them. When I asked him why he would sign/write that only to drink 4 days later and lie about it, his answer was that he thought it would be "motivation to stop." I'm glad that he USED a commitment he made to me as motivation (even though he probably didn't even care that much) and cared THAT LITTLE about keeping a promise to his wife. I've been with him for 6 years and I am moving out in 2 days. Wish me luck and strength and I will do the same for you. We are better than these LIES.

Cyranoak

...which is super common amongst addicts and alcoholics (and five year-olds). We call it "quacking."

We also have a word that describes when they try and turn things around so whatever their problem is is somebody else's fault (usually us). We call it "gas lighting."

It's super, super common, is all about them and their allergy to accountability, and actually has nothing to do with us whatsoever (even though it feels that way). Each is simply a symptom of their disease, their personality, or both.

When they find long-term recovery sometimes it goes away (symptom of their disease), sometimes it does not (turns out it's their personality).

If they don't find recovery it never goes away-- in fact it gets worse.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

P.s. They find it patronizing when we actually use those terms with them so don't do it unless you intend to be patronizing.