ODAT63

I talked to my exmother in law recently and she told me that my XAH, showed up in CA for x-mas with a very nice girlfriend, she is from China and is so sweet and that he has really changed!
I was so heartbroken to hear that. This is a man I was married to for 16 years, and since we met I told him to go AA since I know he was an A, he did go and he tried and tried for all those years, I also tried to get him back in touch with his family specially his mom, he hated everytime she called and I handle the phone to him, I was the one sending holiday cards and bday cards to his family, I was the one that was always encourage him to get in touch with his only biological daughter that he last saw 20 years ago.
He got sober and A YEAR LATER divorced me, few months later he was taking viagra and dating, was online dating and his profile pictured him as such a nice guy, he got drunk once that I know of since our divorce in 2010, he has been sober less than a year, his year should be up this month and that IF he has not drink again which I have no idea.
He took his mom to the mall with this new gal (he hated the mall), Some of my AA friends said that is just a FACADE of his part, inside I am very angry, I PUT THE TIME and other gets the price!!
I feel like showing up on one of his meetings, I have not seen him for over a year now, I wonder if his mormon girlfriend knows he is a drunk!!

Pelican

Ok, go hit a pillow!

Hit it again and scream at the top of your lungs!

This is your anger. It is okay to be angry.

Let the anger out in healthy ways that do not harm yourself or others.

Take a few deep cleansing breaths and check back in to let us know how you are doing.

We care about YOU!

LifeRecovery

I am a little over a year out from a divorce. My ex did not find recovery, but he did find a girlfriend while we were still married, and is already remarried.

The anger comes in waves, and right now I am in a very angry place. Angry at him, angry at his "potential" that was not actually realized in our relationship, angry that I took all of the blame for all of the problems in our relationship because then at least there was something I could do about it. Angry that I did not get support around the relationship earlier....and the list goes on.

Learning that I am grieving over this relationship is a big help. Learning that the grief cycle is just that a cycle and it contains, denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance (or something like that). I have been through the cycle once (minus the acceptance), and now that the bandaid of denial is off I am going around again.

My reactions to him having an affair and re-marriage feel pretty similiar to the chaos and uncentardness I felt wondering when the next drinkfest was going to hit.

Some things that helped:
"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson
"How Can I Forgive You and the Freedom Not To." by Janis Abrahms Spring
Learning about the grief cycle
Letting myself feel what I was feeling and not heaping guilt upon the feelings....that just made for more junk to feel and deal with.

BuffaloGal

HUGS. Your AA friends are right, though, keep in mind that you don't know what's really happening. It's a pretty picture, sure, but we know here how different the public view and the reality can be. My ex and his gf have smiling pics posted all over facebook-- my daughter calls me from their upstairs bathroom to glumly tell me that they're fighting again. My ex's family, to the best of my knowledge, still deny that he has any drinking problem at all.

Despite him shoving in my face what a "healthy" relationship he's in these days, aexh is most definitely not a better person with his new girlfriend (now fiance), and she has the same problems with him that I used to. I used to feel like you do-- now I don't feel a great deal towards either of them, and what I do is a mixture of annoyance and pity. What you're going through is horrible, but it does not last forever. It takes time, but it gets better. Being angry is fine... just try not to let it hurt YOU!

TakingCharge999

ODAT,

I know how it feels - are you doing any sport? boxing helps me a great deal.

Healthy people have INTEGRITY. They treat everyone the same way.

I don't know if he changed, but I don't care about him really, I care about you. keep posting as it helps. Throw dishes to a wall. Really, do it! it helped me more than I imagined.

celticgenes

Hi, All,

I am her. I am the mistress, then girlfriend, then fiance of a guy who couldn't get sober in his marriage, but did for me. I put my foot down. He did not need to change, but I would not walk the path of addiction with him. So, about 18 months after I quit drinking, so did he. Oh, he only went to AA once or twice, because he couldn't relate to "those people".

So, where are we now? Do you really want to know?


After 5ish years of maybe sobriety (I say maybe, because lying is a hallmark of addiction), all the up and downs of dry-drunkism, and the ultimate fun of him adding Vicodin to the mix (But it was prescribed, so that makes it ok), I have FINALLY pulled the plug on this "relationship". Or, wait, to be exactly honest, he left. Complete with threats that he was leaving never to return, and I should find someone else to take care of me. All I said was "OK".

So, please, don't beat yourself up (I'll do enough for all of us). The whole happy-smiley, look, it was YOU, I can be sober with HER, is total ********. I'm not saying that it can never happen, but true in the soul sobriety doesn't turn on a dime. My guess? Give it time. Maybe weeks, maybe years, but chances are he's no more 'healed" with her than he was with you.

If I get the guts, I will apologize to my ex-fiance's ex-wife for ever thinking that maybe I was what he needed to get sober.

Good luck, be strong, take care of you.

VMVM

I have never met my husbands ex wife. He was divorced for a couple of years when I met him....He painted the picture to me of how everything was her fault....she cheated on him....etc...well, having been with him for 10 years now, I can fully understand why she cheated on him...He's an alcoholic, and its very hard to gets your needs met............In a sense, I am that NEXT woman, and its not any better...its a facade. Don't give it a second thought. You deserve more. They live in fantasy land.

lillamy

Well... let me tell you my story:
AXH wouldn't even consider quitting drinking, let alone AA and recovery, as long as we were married. 24 hours after I left, he was in rehab. He would do anything to get me back. At that point, I had been checked out of the marriage for so long there was nothing he could have done that would have made me come back. Nothing.

So time goes on. He dates. Two women pass through. #3 sticks. She sees of him what you see of another person when you're dating -- you know, you dress up, put on makeup, and your best face, and pretend to be who you think the other person wants you to be. Lasted about nine months until he slipped and showed his real face.

Losing me made him go to rehab in order to get me back. Once he realized I wasn't coming back, he went back to drinking. He played recovery until he saw it wasn't going to give him what he wanted.

Losing her? Made him commit to group therapy and individual counseling and medication... but he's still drinking. I'm willing to bet my meager-but-paycheck that once he realizes she isn't coming back, therapy and medication is going to go the same way.

BUT -- and here's the catch: So what if someone else motivates him to get sober? As long as we were married, he didn't want to. Which means that if I had stayed with him, he would still be an abusive drunk. Seen in a bigger perspective, it's better that he's not. If he's a productive, civil citizen and human being with another woman, that's a good thing.

And it's his thing. I've moved on with my life. He's part of my history -- a hurtful, painful, but also in parts good Learning Experience (those, by definition, SUCK with a capitol SUCK).

So let it go. Either he'll stay sober and be Mr. Perfect or he won't. It has nothing to do with you. It never did. It doesn't mean the new woman is better than you are. It only means that either he's sober or he isn't.

lillamy

Oh, and as for the exMIL?
I'm guessing she wants (passive-aggressively) to tell you it's your fault that he was drinking, and now he's with a nice woman, he doesn't need to drink anymore.

You know that's the worst kind of codependent BS, right?

Florence

My ex is not an alcoholic, but is NPD, which shares a lot of the effects of addiction on friends and family without the addiction. I know for a fact that the same arguments we had 12 years ago are playing out in that household today, partly because I get reports from DS12, partly because the new wife has already told me so outright, and partly because I know for a fact that XNPD has gone to exactly zero effort to improve himself (as is common with NPDs).

XNPD spends a LOT of time trying to convince people that he's a super swell, upstanding guy. He tries to make sure that people see his nice clothes, new car, the brand-new house, wife, kids, etc. I don't worry about it -- after enough time it's obvious that the whole house of cards is held together with spit and masking tape. His marriage is on the rocks, he pays for everything (EVERYTHING) via his codependent mother, his kids can't stand him, and he has no real friendships. I know that when the audience isn't there to see how super-cool and awesome he is that he retreats to his addictions (video games and internet) and ignores his family.

Another thing. The new wife told me directly a couple of years ago that he still talks about me all the time and worries about what I think about him. At the time, I told her I don't think much about him at all! Which is true, but it certainly explains his focus on me even after all these years.

ODAT63

Thank you all for the reply, I know, I know, actually I am in a good relationship with a nice guy, we've been dating for 14 months now, he is not a drinker or addict and have tons of patience with me, he supports me in my program (al-anon), my workouts and general busy schedule.
We have many of the same values, but I do not feel ready (he is not pushing me either). I feel I am missing out the opportunity to a good relationship because I am obsessed with my XAH.
All I can think of is what is he doing? is he happy? does he miss me? Is he sober? etc. etc. etc. all day long.
He was a good provider and we did a lot of good things together and alcohol was not there all the time he binge every few months, but emotionally he was hardly ever there for me. We were good friends and can talk for hours, we knew each other so well. It seems that I can not have the same with my boyfriend because we have not much to talk about.
I am late forties and at my age I think I have to love with my head more than with my heart. My head tell me my boyfriend is a great man and I shouldn't let him go, my heart still belongs to the alcoholic or the alcoholism? Not sure..

PaperDolls

Is he a better person with her?

Have you considered, YOU are a better person WITHOUT him?

ODAT63

That is a great point, I will bring that up with my therapist next session. It sure has to do with my parents..Thank you.

nodaybut2day

I have to agree with some of the previous posters who say "Life goes on". Whether alcohol is involved or not, your previous partners will no doubt move on to other partners, and so did you. IMO, it's a question of letting go of the notion that something you did or DIDN'T do would have made a difference in that marriage/relationship. It wasn't meant to work out, as you were meant to move on to this new relationship you are in now. There was a purpose to that long marriage to your XAH, and that purpose was to lead you to this exact moment and to the awareness/growth you have achieved.

And as for celticgenes' post, I too was "the other woman". Heck, when I started dating my XAH, he was still married to another woman and living with her, their child and his child from a previous relationship...it was a mess, but *I* was different (so I thought). *I* could change/save him, and for a short time, I did...sort of. I got him on his feet, got him his ID, filed his tax returns, helped him start a business, bought him clothing, took in his children, etc. He drank less, seemed happy, got involved in developping his business, and looked better overall. And then it all came crumbling down, bit by bit. The blaming, the drinking, the snorting, the spending, the abuse...it was all my fault. If only I'd been a better X,Y,Z everything would be puppies and roses. Right.

Turns out I was wife/babymama #4. I assume that #5 now has the pleasure of dealing with His Highness, or perhaps he's already onto #6...but who cares?

There's an expression in Québécois French that applies to this situation: "J'ai fait le tour du carré de sable" (i.e. I'd explored every corner of the sandbox, figured out there wasn't anything left for me there and got the heck out".). IMO, the same can be said of your situation.

NYCDoglvr

I think you know it's not really about him, it's obsessive thinking. I personally know how hard it is to stop the endless tape from playing but a few things helped me put it in perspective.

* I wrote about what he did when he was drunk as a reality check. Just writing (by pen, on a pad) helped.
* I asked myself was he concerned about me? HAH! He cared about himself always and couldn't care less about me.
* I talked to someone about it.
* didn't act out.

This will pass for you as it did for me and many of us.

LifeRecovery

I never thought of it like a triangle, but when I signed up for this group I did think of an alternate screen name of "unusually attracted to drama"

For me it was not the alcohol use that felt familiar but the emotional stuffing that occurred, and the ways that it came out (at first in exciting, tantalizing ways), later on in drink. The highs were so high, and for a long time I never realized that the lows would also have to be low to even out.

That drama came in forms other than alcohol in my life, rage, impulsiveness, etc. For me that was what was familiar and what I gravitated towards as a result. For me this is why the alcohol use and the affair/remarriage were similar to me. They are very different entities, but they felt similar in terms of drama.

This takes awhile. We are about the same time frame out from divorce (It is 14 months this week). I have read that divorce alone can take 2-5 years to heal from....I don't know about the added layer of addiction.

ODAT63

Thank you, it really helps you are not alone in this mess. I remember telling my therapist on our first session..I think I am crazy, she said no you are NOT, he made you crazy.
You know how they said we did not cause it, can not cure it or control it. I think alcohol did cause mine.

TakingCharge999

One day the obsessive thinking about him will stop! and you will be obsessed with your own wellbeing. And it will be great. I am 3 years out and not being around alcoholics, smokers, otherwise toxic people, has done wonders to ME. I feel wiser and less prone to believe BS. I am more patient with myself and now see my qualities. I would never change recovery for anything, only here am I finding contentment, happiness, it does not depend on anyone but myself.
Hugs!

fourmaggie

i so agree with this...and i have been doing this also for 2 years...

@paperdolls...this IS how i look at it too....