Been in Control and Not Been able to Let Go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Been in Control and Not Been able to Let Go.
Been in Control and Not Been able to Let Go.
Understanding why I cant or wont Let go is the Doorway/ Archway to Letting Go........
It says in the BRB that Letting Go To an ACA is Like asking Me to Jump out of a Plane Without a Parachute...Hoping to Survive....
I may survive but the Odds are Against me.
Without the Tools of Recovery,me as an Adult Child lives in Terror of Letting go of Control...........Why am I like this.
Its a Habit That I Created in Childhood to Survive chaotic Situations all around me.
I now Know I cant Do this "Letting Go Thing" alone....This, I now have to Admit to myself regularly.
Identifying Control Situations,
With my Family,Myself,My Work Mates,The Public,Animals,Weather,Fearful Situations,Risks Taken,ETC.......Each Situation I have to deal With Differently.
Some I can Hand over others I may have to Change My Thinking on them,....ie,Say the Serenity Prayer until the Fear Passes....or develope Healthy Habits to help my mind deal with the Situation.
One is Having one of my Family Drive to a Destination......I usually Worry.
This is an Old Habit Picked up from my Mother.
I Find Something Interesting to Do while they are Driving alone.
Sometimes I write the Worry Down and Put It away Safely.....I return to the Slip of Paper later when the Person has Reached their Destination....It Helps.
These are a Few Thoughts on Control or Inability to let go.Thanks For Reading.
Understanding why I cant or wont Let go is the Doorway/ Archway to Letting Go........
It says in the BRB that Letting Go To an ACA is Like asking Me to Jump out of a Plane Without a Parachute...Hoping to Survive....
I may survive but the Odds are Against me.
Without the Tools of Recovery,me as an Adult Child lives in Terror of Letting go of Control...........Why am I like this.
Its a Habit That I Created in Childhood to Survive chaotic Situations all around me.
I now Know I cant Do this "Letting Go Thing" alone....This, I now have to Admit to myself regularly.
Identifying Control Situations,
With my Family,Myself,My Work Mates,The Public,Animals,Weather,Fearful Situations,Risks Taken,ETC.......Each Situation I have to deal With Differently.
Some I can Hand over others I may have to Change My Thinking on them,....ie,Say the Serenity Prayer until the Fear Passes....or develope Healthy Habits to help my mind deal with the Situation.
One is Having one of my Family Drive to a Destination......I usually Worry.
This is an Old Habit Picked up from my Mother.
I Find Something Interesting to Do while they are Driving alone.
Sometimes I write the Worry Down and Put It away Safely.....I return to the Slip of Paper later when the Person has Reached their Destination....It Helps.
These are a Few Thoughts on Control or Inability to let go.Thanks For Reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Newport News, VA
Posts: 22
'Letting go' has been the most amazing part of recovery for me. When I find myself no longer emotionally invested in inappropriate troubles it is truly zen-like.
My wife was deployed to an amazing tropical atoll for six months. Scuba, snorkeling, drinking, dancing, romantic full moonlit white sand beaches...the whole paradise thing. I was stuck in the middle of Texas unemployed, depressed, overweight, worthless. My wife was surrounded by fit, healthy, strapping young military men who weren't too embarrassed to take their shirts off or go dancing, etc. She told me all the stories about all the adultery going on. I put myself through mental hell. I became ridiculously jealous, fearful and overbearing.
When I relayed these fears to family and a not so good therapist, I was told, "Just let it go." That made me want to go in to a rage each time I heard that phrase. I tried to let it go, but what happened is that I was just fighting with what felt natural, the intrinsic 'need' to control and hold on. I was putting myself on a roller coaster of turmoil that sent stress hormones pumping through my body day and night. The constant contradiction between what was logical and what I felt was trying to kill me. The overbearing jealousy won out every time.
We have thought processes that are deep-seated, automatic and very powerful. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions motivate behavior. It wasn't until I went through an internal dialogue which allowed me a change in perspective that the 'letting go' thing happened. Kind of like this:
Why are you so upset?
Because my wife is out there in paradise with all these guys and I know they're better looking than me. I know what guys are like and they all want to sleep with her.
What would you feel if you knew your wife had cheated?
Really? Pretty much the same as I do now...totally torn up.
What would you feel if you knew she wouldn't cheat?
Peaceful, relaxed. Happy for the career opportunities she gets while there. My focus would be totally different.
Take a moment and feel how peaceful that would be. Now think about how you know that this whole trip is about the career opportunities for your wife.
By this point, my hatred, jealousy, and worry had dissolved. Almost instantaneously. In its place was love, and gratitude for a wife who chose to be with only me, who regardless of the hell I put her through spent time with me on the phone instead of running off to actually have fun. My thought process changed and with it my emotions. I no longer felt the need to control, and I didn't have to force or fight the inclination. I didn't 'let it go', because I couldn't have. It let go of me. I am talking about a life-changing, phenomenally instant deep change. Not an emotional band-aid, or something to get me through the next few hours, but a real, honest change in who I am.
I wish there was some more ordered way of describing this process. I don't know if it is something others have experienced or maybe a form of therapy. What I know is it has been the basis for change after change in me and I wish everyone knew about it.
My wife was deployed to an amazing tropical atoll for six months. Scuba, snorkeling, drinking, dancing, romantic full moonlit white sand beaches...the whole paradise thing. I was stuck in the middle of Texas unemployed, depressed, overweight, worthless. My wife was surrounded by fit, healthy, strapping young military men who weren't too embarrassed to take their shirts off or go dancing, etc. She told me all the stories about all the adultery going on. I put myself through mental hell. I became ridiculously jealous, fearful and overbearing.
When I relayed these fears to family and a not so good therapist, I was told, "Just let it go." That made me want to go in to a rage each time I heard that phrase. I tried to let it go, but what happened is that I was just fighting with what felt natural, the intrinsic 'need' to control and hold on. I was putting myself on a roller coaster of turmoil that sent stress hormones pumping through my body day and night. The constant contradiction between what was logical and what I felt was trying to kill me. The overbearing jealousy won out every time.
We have thought processes that are deep-seated, automatic and very powerful. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions motivate behavior. It wasn't until I went through an internal dialogue which allowed me a change in perspective that the 'letting go' thing happened. Kind of like this:
Why are you so upset?
Because my wife is out there in paradise with all these guys and I know they're better looking than me. I know what guys are like and they all want to sleep with her.
What would you feel if you knew your wife had cheated?
Really? Pretty much the same as I do now...totally torn up.
What would you feel if you knew she wouldn't cheat?
Peaceful, relaxed. Happy for the career opportunities she gets while there. My focus would be totally different.
Take a moment and feel how peaceful that would be. Now think about how you know that this whole trip is about the career opportunities for your wife.
By this point, my hatred, jealousy, and worry had dissolved. Almost instantaneously. In its place was love, and gratitude for a wife who chose to be with only me, who regardless of the hell I put her through spent time with me on the phone instead of running off to actually have fun. My thought process changed and with it my emotions. I no longer felt the need to control, and I didn't have to force or fight the inclination. I didn't 'let it go', because I couldn't have. It let go of me. I am talking about a life-changing, phenomenally instant deep change. Not an emotional band-aid, or something to get me through the next few hours, but a real, honest change in who I am.
I wish there was some more ordered way of describing this process. I don't know if it is something others have experienced or maybe a form of therapy. What I know is it has been the basis for change after change in me and I wish everyone knew about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Thanks Keyn,Its Right Here Behind Me.The Guitar has been my Best Friend in all of my recovery.When no one else wanted to know....It was always there to Take my Mind off of Things.I have Several Instruments,5 Guitars," accordians,Organ,and Many More.Thank you HP for Music....And The Talent to be able to play them.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
