gplmdyw

Someone who is in AA with me, whom I do not know very well, posted something passive-aggressive on FB to me and I reacted, then apologized, then got angry a few days later and "told her off". She of course denied everything, saying she has no idea what I'm talking about, and she would like to "talk it out" on the phone with me.

Of course I see my behavior here. Reacting. Again. And yes, the FB page is getting taken down.

People completely expect I will doubt myself. A small part of me says, "Maybe you're just paranoid". But when I saw what she wrote, every fiber of my being knew it was a manipulation. She could see what I was writing on my "friends'" pages, and she actually followed me over to a 3rd party's page to do it.

This woman is part of a crowd of gals who have been very shaming to me in the past. Passive-aggressive cross-talk in meetings, etc. Gossip among each other. She has hurt me less than the others have but she has done some smaller things. I no longer go to the meetings they attend. Maybe FB is a way to keep watching and manipulating me.

I know that manipulators will deny their behavior, esp when confronted. Since she is a gossip, she probably thinks I'll gossip about her.

Should I bother talking it out with this person, or should I end it here?

langkah

A good indicator of how well you're getting is how many people you can stand to let off the hook. In my group people in this situation are advised to bake them a batch of cookies.

gplmdyw

"baking them a batch of cookies"? What specifically does that mean?

langkah

Exactly that. Make a dozen cookies, take them to the meeting and give them to the woman who irritated you with a smile. Unburned, of course.

Doing that will restore your sense of peace.

Plath

I think it's good that you're no longer attending the same meetings as these women.

Whatever the specifics are, it seems that their behavior triggers you and creates negative feelings like guilt, shame, anger, etc.

For me, those are good indicators that these are not the type of people I want or need in my life.

Sometimes, people are passive-aggressive, manipulative, and nasty, and sometimes we have a part in the situation too--but regardless, I think it's important that we allow ourselves the dignity to choose who we want in our lives and who we do not.

Unless it's a supervisor or someone you simply cannot get away from, I think that disengaging from toxic people, or people who trigger us is usually a productive part in our recovery as a whole.

Forgiveness is important, and even empathy if you can manage it, but allowing toxic people to disrupt our daily lives with passive-aggressive behavior is not something that anyone should feel obligated to do.

Hashing it out with someone who may not be worth the trouble in your life might just be...well, not worth the trouble.

If I were in this situation (and I've been in basically the same situation, minus the AA relationship), I would do my best to explain as politely, objectively, and briefly as possible to the person how I feel, and how I perceive the situation, without being accusatory--via a facebook message might be best, that's how I handled my situation; it allows me to really give some solid thought to what I'm saying before I blurt things out that I might not want to say...the backspace button is one of the greatest inventions, hah.

If/when the other person wants to continue dragging the issue out in a defensive fashion, arguing, etc., I would simply block them and disengage as thoroughly as possible from them in real life. That's what I did, anyway.

The best case scenario would be a good conversation, and actually being able to work things out, but from what I've read it doesn't sound like these are the types of people who are going to be open to that.

At any rate, I think it's important to know who you want and do not want in your life, and to disengage from toxic people whenever possible. In AA and ACA, we're all working on ourselves, and our health and recovery has to come first. That doesn't mean that we don't have forgiveness or empathy (and even if we don't, that's okay...sometimes it takes a while), it simply means that we're working to find love and respect for ourselves.

I hope this was helpful, I wish you the best of luck and hope that whatever your choice is, it leads to relief and better peace of mind.

Willybluedog

langkah,

If I baked these gals cookies they would have ex-lax in them, nobody should be rewarded for shaming you, ever!

Maybe it comes from being abused from a very young age (physically, verbally, sexually) and being bullied in school, but I don't put up with people who are manipulative and hurtful, especially this passive-agressive crap (which is a huge trigger for me).

I gave up the turn your other cheek idea long ago, because I found that every time I did turn the other cheek I just go slapped on that one also!

If someone pulls that kind of crap on me oon FB, I just de-friend them, life is to short to put up with that.

Kialua

I would un friend them as well.

LaFemmeNikita

Unfriend them on Facebook and then block them. Why should u delete ur fb page just because of them?

langkah

...and you could let the air out of their tires.

There are always our old ways, but fortunately there are new ways if the old ones didn't work well.

tromboneliness

Not to ruffle too many feathers, but a lot of AAs don't really a have the best recovery going. They think that as long as they're not drinking, they can still be the same *******s they were, and all's fair. That's why I don't like what has happened to my local ACA meetings (described in that other thread). It sounds as though you've been on the receiving end of some unhealthy-recovery behavior from these AAs.

I'd agree with the advice from others -- block/unfriend the offenders, and just disengage and don't interact with them. I'm not in favor of confronting such people -- as we say around here, it wastes time and annoys the pig. (That's from an old joke: "Never teach a pig to sing -- it wastes time and annoys the pig.")

T