Pigtails

I've been trying to figure out why I've been struggling with staying sober. (I haven't had a drink in over four months, but I've certainly wanted to). For me the cravings hit when I'm around other people who drink. I don't know if it's the craving to drink or the craving to fit in/go back to my old life, or what.

I've been really proud of myself because I've been around people who are all drinking, I've played drinking games with people, I've gone to clubs, I've gone on brewery tours, I've gone on ski trips with people who were drinking (which were really more like drinking trips)... all without drinking. Sometimes it is really hard and other times it starts out hard but then I have a lot of fun sober or I am glad I'm not drinking etc. But when I'm by myself or around other people who don't drink, it's not a struggle at all.

So my biggest struggle is definitely being around it, but it seems an inevitable part of life and as much as I wish I could just hole up with people who don't drink (I've wished I could go to rehab for that reason!), I do have to face life without drinking no matter what other people are doing, and I don't want it to be all about ME, like, you guys can't drink if I'm here, or, okay you guys are drinking, so I'm going to leave. In general I have avoided drinking activities/places and have cut ties with my hard-core drinking buddies/party friends but this is more about just everyday stuff that occurs like being on vacation or hanging out with my dad, sister, boyfriend who drink or friends who drink but not to the levels I used to drink! It's just more the situation of hanging out with people who are drinking casually/socially and I *can't* and that stinks. I mean, I'm not sure what to DO when I feel that way... I usually have a strong desire to drink at first but then I talk myself out of it and things are fine, but I think that over the long haul it really affects me. This is four months in and I still struggle with this and I get depressed thinking that I am just different from people who can drink normally and I should stay at home and not go out or something.

In thinking about things, it was easier (I think) when I was more active in AA and recovery, so I should get back into that, although I still feel "different," like here I am having to go to meetings with other alcoholics because I am defective or something. :-/

Nirvana1

I've had to cut out events that are centered around drinking. Drunk people are no fun to be around. Anytime I've been forced to be around drinkers I've always left really early or had a bad time.

It sounds like your life still revolves around drinking even though you are not partaking. I can't imagine this being anything but difficult. Why not try cutting back on the parties and events and do something more low key? It's not fun at first but neither is watching people drink and threatening your sobriety.

BillyPilgrim

I think you are playing with fire surrounding yourself with drunks. No good can come of it in the long run. There is sometimes visiting a bar on the way somewhere and there is the slippery slope back to drink

doggonecarl

But you want to drink....Maybe 4 months is too soon to think you can live with one foot in your old life. You sound ready to step full on into it with the other one.

Something has to change. The whole world doesn't revolve around alcohol, but you are in close orbit to a world that does and it is going to suck you in. It's just a drink away.

I've got 18 months sober. I quit going to concerts, bars, TGIF get-togethers, team building parties, anything where the primary ingredient is booze. I had to change and to do it I had to feel like I wasn't missing out on life. I'm not and I don't miss anything about my old way of living.

Hope you find your way.

awuh1

You know, I think we are all defective in one way or another. You might like the book "The Spirituality of Imperfection" by Ernie Kurtz. I found it VERY helpful.

Sapling

That's a great book...Pigtails...The way I see it....You're missing the one part of AA that I feel is what saved my life...The 12 steps...Those promises that they talk about...They are all through the book....They come true...But you have to do the work....It's what you have to practice every day for contented sobriety...You don't have to be perfect at it...But you have to have it...I'd imagine it's like if somebody wants to use Rational Recovery..I'm sure TU will tell me if I'm wrong...And you make an attempt at reading the book and think you're done...You're sober...That's it...I'm guessing that is a book about learning the tools that have to be practiced daily to work...That get easier and more a part of the mind as you go along...Much like the 12 steps.....Maybe one of the reasons you feel defective when you go to meetings is because you don't have what they have....Which is what you wanted when you started AA to begin with....The steps are the program of recovery....There is a solution....They are it.

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. I guess I made it sound like I am always going out and/or surrounded by heavy/problem drinkers, but, I'm talking more about people who occasionally socially drink, for instance, here is an example:

This past weekend my boyfriend and I I drove up to Denver for a reunion of sorts. My sister and her boyfriend flew in from where she lives in Maryland to visit her best friend from college who lives in Denver with her boyfriend. Their other college best friend flew in from Tuscon. So there were seven of us all weekend in my sister's best friend's house, all hanging out and visiting each other. When I got there on Friday night they were at a dance club and I thought, uh oh, but I also thought, well, I like to dance, I want to see my sister, etc... when I first got there I wished I could have a drink after the long drive but after a bit I was having so much fun dancing that I didn't even care. My sister was drunk and my boyfriend and the boyfriend of her high school best friend were pretty drunk, but the other girls, and my sister's boyfriend, were just tipsy. I guess I feel like, I don't want to not go to a dance club and miss out on the fun just because I don't drink?

The next day we went skiing and no one drank and it felt awesome to be around other people who weren't drinking, because usually when my boyfriend and his brother/friends and I ski, or my dad comes out to ski, everyone else is drinking. (Again, am I supposed to not go skiing with the people I know who ski, because I don't drink?? I guess sometimes I think it's about me being selfish or too self-centered, like, why can't I just not drink and not care that they're drinking??). Then they stopped at a liquor store and bought a lot of alcohol for dinner/that night and I was like grrr but what am I supposed to do? Object to the alcohol being there? They had drinks with dinner and my sister's best friend suggested playing Drinking Jeopardy and everyone else wanted to... I was like well, that's silly since I don't drink, but I like trivia games and I don't want to be a spoilsport and just not play. So I did the drinking game with diet soda and I noticed that for most of the players, they didn't drink at a drinking game the way I used to... the girls sipped their drinks, my boyfriend and my sister's best friend's boyfriend were drunk again by the end of the night but the rest of them were just tipsy or normal-seeming to me. So maybe it's my expectations of how others will drink based on how I used to drink that gets me worried.

The next day we spent on brewery tours since we were in Colorado... again I was like ugh this is silly since I don't drink, but I want to be with my sister and part of the group. I drank craft sodas which tasted good and I was fine. No one got drunk that day, including my boyfriend since we had to drive back home. So again the issue for me is that if I were drinking I would want to be doing it to get drunk (although of course I wish I could drink like they do... I have just come to accept that that isn't me), but they (or most of them) seem to be easily able to moderate and drink "normally" and so for it's an issue of, do I exclude myself from being around them just because I can't drink like they do??? Obviously everyone's on vacation and for "normal" drinkers it's normal to have some drinks on vacation so it's not like I'm hanging out with heavy drinkers who just drink all the time... it's like, they are mostly normal drinkers and I am not but I don't want to let that get in the way of me seeing them and spending time with them.

Anna

I don't know, Pigtails, I can only tell you what worked for me.

I could not be around people who were drinking for a long time, close to a year. And, I don't want to spend time with people who are drinking, so I choose to not do that. I have a great life. Husband and I just returned from a week-long Cruise and I loved every minute of it, but did not hang out with people who were drinking.

In my opinion, I think you might need to make different choices if you want the uncomfortable feelings to stop.

Pigtails

I see.

Does your husband drink? Your family members or close friends?

I guess I feel like if I were to not be around people who were drinking, I would have to be all on my own or with AA people. I have nothing against AA people, in fact they're great and have helped me a lot, but I haven't known them nearly as long as I've known my sister, father, good friends, boyfriend.

I'm not even sure how it works logistically. Do I just announce to everyone that I don't want to be around alcohol and that if they want to drink, don't invite me or if they start drinking when I'm already with them I have to leave immediately? It seems like that's so me-centered, like I'm trying to cause a ruckus or be the center of attention. Really I would like to find a way to not be triggered when other people are drinking, so that I can just worry about myself and they can just worry about them. Does that make sense?

doggonecarl

As an alcoholic in recovery, I've decided the phrase "normal drinker" is an oxymoron.

Nirvana1

Invite your sister, father, boyfriend, and good friends to do stuff that doesn't involve drinking. If they have to be drinking to hangout with you, then that in itself is not normal and is not healthy for you. I bet if you cut your drinking events in half it would help your recovery tremendously.

Anna

I'm lucky because my husband doesn't drink and we never have or serve alcohol in the home. My grown children drink occasionally but, not usually when I'm around. I have never asked them not to, nor would I. So, if they sometimes drink wine at dinner, that's fine with me. And, when we have large extended family get-togethers, there is wine on the table, but no one drinks more than a glass. Again, I'm lucky. If it was an occasion based around drinking, I wouldn't go. And, I should add, that I changed activities and removed a couple of friends and a family member from my life when I stopped drinking.

GirlFromCO

You don't have to cause a ruckus at all. When you're invited to do something somewhere that you know will involve drinking, politely decline. If your friends and family use skiing as an excuse to get drunk, don't go "skiing." You can be proactive about it and plan some sober activities too - that's what I did with the people I wanted to keep in touch with after I sobered up. Movies, lectures, shopping, exercising... there is a ton of stuff you can do that most people wouldn't dream of drinking while they are doing it.

I told my close girlfriends straight out that I wasn't drinking, and they were all for it. Ha, they already knew about all my misbehavior anyway, so it was an improvement One of my friends even stopped drinking after I did!

Pigtails

Okay. I appreciate the suggestions and will try them, thanks. I already invite people to do things that don't involve drinking. if it were up to me no one would ever drink, ha ha. But my issue comes when I'm a participant who was invited by other people and there is drinking going on. So I will be more proactive in declining those invitations (it makes me sad, but I guess it's part of recovery). My sponsor and some other people from AA go out dancing at clubs sober so I was trying to find a way to keep some of what I used to do in my life without drinking, but I guess it's too hard for me.

Sapling

To sum it up Pigtails...These are the 10th step promises...And they do come true if you can get through those first nine steps....This is from the Big Book first edition...See if this is something you would want...

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

Dee74

Some people can live their old life and be ok PT...I couldn't - primarily because my old life revolved around drinking.

When I quit I needed to make major changes, I needed to put my recovery first and I didn't 'put myself out there' again until I was totally committed, without exception, to not drinking.

I really made some positive changes to me and my life when I quit - I stopped being the old me and became someone who's better, I think....

I couldn't have done that with a foot in each camp either.

D

Pigtails

Thanks Sapling. I remember that the more involved I was in AA/recovery, the better equipped I feel to be out in the rest of the world among drinkers etc. I was thinking about a passage from the Big Book that talks about being able to be around drinkers and alcohol if we are spiritually fit, so, I guess I'm not very spiritually fit!

A separate question is whether I even *want* to be around drinkers/alcohol but that has bigger life implications. I'm learning that I don't think it's fun to just sit on a bar stool all night long with a bunch of drunk people, and it's certainly not fun to take care of drunks or be the DD etc. just because I don't drink! But right now a bigger issue is how I myself feel and I don't like that I feel tempted by alcohol or that I'm wanting to drink it. I do think that if I get back into AA this will improve. I mean there's a woman in AA who is in a band and the band goes in plays in local bars and other AA members go watch her there and hang out... it doesn't seem to me that they are tempted to drink when they're in the bar or around drinkers, but, maybe I should ask them and find out.

Pigtails

Good point. Everyone is different, and I'm not sure who I am! Sometimes I think it's just as fun to play "drinking games" without drinking, to dance or listen to music which is often only done at drinking establishments, or to ski sober even if other people are skiing under the influence. Other times, I find myself just wanting to be "like them" and "just have a drink," which is what is troubling me so much.

For the record, for the most part, I've made huge changes. I used to go out every single night with my "best friend" who was 7 years younger than me. I used to pretend I was still in college, or drink with older colleagues who are textbook party-alcoholics... basically I would go anywhere that involved drinking or hang out with anyone who drank, so that I too could drink! So now I'm like, without the alcohol, who the heck am I?! And I don't even know. I've always like solitary activities like writing, reading, running, just relaxing at home with my pets. So maybe the rest of it was just my front or the party girl taking over because then she could drink. I have a hard time socializing with people and rarely feel like I fit in, and it's extra hard without alcohol, but I guess a big fear of mine is that I'll just be a recluse, all holed up in my apartment not talking to anyone or going out.

Dee74

and then some of us have accepted we're actually natural recluses...*pushes cat off keyboard*

I kid I kid...

D

Pigtails

ha ha ha! Perhaps I am. I'm not sure. I guess part of this journey is figuring myself out!