Marytherboo

I couldn't do it after all. I bought AH a bus pass and took it to him at the shelter.

Please don't beat me up about it. I didn't bring money or cigarettes , don't care what he does or doesn't do with the darn thing, already know and agree with all the arguments against it. I simply could not stand not doing it, so I did it.

I guess I'm sicker than I realized, which means still more work to do. Not feeling all that great about myself right now, but praying that I will be okay.

naive

please don't beat yourself up about it. rome wasn't built in a day!

i just hope he doesn't use it to take the bus to your house. he probably will. that was my concern yesterday, i wish i had voiced it.

are you in therapy, mary? have you read the book "co-dependent no more"? i found both very helpful in becoming aware and out of denial for my own issues.

Willybluedog

Mary,

My wife says to me all the time "it is what it is", you did it it is done, you know you fell, you have nothing to apologize to us for, she recognized you had a weak moment, please do not beat yourself up worrying what we will think, you know you are your own worst critic.

You need to put this away and get some rest, then get up in the morning and continue to work on your recovery, I read a quote last night "success is getting up one more time than you have fallen" you fell, you got up, therefore success!

Big hugs to you, please try to enjoy your weekend, please know that I am rooting for you.

Bill:ghug3

Noodler

Mary
Im doing that more times than im not at the moment. But I am making definite changes of which im proud of. Its all so diificult because its so alien and you ve come so far so quick.

Your an inspiration to me so please dont knock yourself. I ve realised you can only do so much at certain points or else you will fall off the edge by overdoing it too soon. Its another lesson we are learning isnt it, compassion or enabling?

Naive, I ve got that book on my list! hopefully to buy today

Marytherboo

Thank you all, it helps so much to have your perspective and experience to help me figure this out.

Naive, the bus pass won't get AH close to my house. It's just for the city he is now in, not for the little village where I live. I actually did think of that, and wouldn't have proceeded if the pass would have given him the ability to violate my space. (I don't think)

I have tried Melodie Beatty's book(s) several times, but I can't get past something about her style; the content seems good enough, but my head just doesn't like her writing. I use both the Al-Anon daily readers, but my very favorite writer is a guy named David Richo. His "How To Be An Adult" and "How to Be An Adult in Relationships" are some of the best books I've every read, period, and I get something new out of them every page I read. Deeply spiritual, combination of Eastern and Western perspectives, puts emphasis squarely on the responsibility of the individual to parent/nurture/cherish themselves rather than demanding/controlling/identifying with others. Very powerful stuff. I'm sure the "....Relationships" book is why I am able to own my need to be separate from my husband right now and still acknowledge that I love him.

I'll keep trying "Codependent No More"...maybe I'll grow into it.

NYCDoglvr

Oh please don't beat yourself up. This stuff is very very hard and it's a process. "Progress, not perfection". And, a great opportunity to work on yourself.
God bless

BuffaloGal

Don't beat yourself up. These choices are difficult, and I think there is rarely a clear cut good or bad thing to do here. We do the best we can, and at least in my life often it is impossible for me to determine if any decision I made was the right one or not: I did whatever I did, and the results were some combination of positive and negative. Sure, everyone's judgment is flawed, but it's all we've got to go on. Trust yourself-- you will still make mistakes, but at least they'll be your mistakes and not someone else's.

The golden rule can be applied to most situations, but it tends to fall apart when dealing with self destructive loved ones.