chiyo

Been a long day, went to my best friends funeral, I am glad that I made the decision to go but right now I want to drink so frigging bad. I hate dealing with my emotions while sober, mainly because I don't know how to. Not to sound like a whiny baby but I'm a mess. A shaky, nervous mess. There is liquor in my house and I don't want to drink it but I do. That probably doesn't make sense, to me it does. I dont know what to do. I know drinking is a horrible idea at this time but at the same time it sounds like the best idea ever. I wish I had a easy button to make everything better.

eJoshua

The best thing you can do for yourself and your grieving is to stay sober.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain Chiyo.

I used the 'easy button' of alcohol for a lot of years - I ended up not living, simply existing.

Pain and loss sucks - but drinking isn't a solution, it's not an answer - it's a decoy that promises a lot but delivers nothing....it will take you miles out of your way, maybe for years, and when you're done? you'll still have to deal with this unprocessed & undealt with grief.

I didn't know your best friend but I know no best friend would want you to make a decision that will hurt you.

Don't run away from your sadness chiyo - start to deal with it.
There's a lot of support here - please use it.

D

Soberliner

Ive been dealing with some emotions friday morning after work, I basicaly fell apart for the first time in along time. I had a 12 PK of beer on my mind the whole time. Instead, I picked up my chucks, used them till I was too tired to do anything.

Today going to aa meetting for the first time in over 10 yrs. Im to the point again where I need to bring those emotions to light so that people at aa can help sort out those emotions with their input. T.C

Sapling

There is your answer right there...I'm sorry for your your loss chiyo...But I have to agree with Dee....This isn't something your best friend would want you to do...You have to be strong for her and remember how blessed you are to have had her in your life..And to know she's in a better place....You have to honor her with living a life she would want you to have.....These are hard times but...Drinking doesn't take you through them...Faith that time will heal works much better....I know drinking is a horrible idea too....I hope you stick with what we both know...And you be strong and get through this.....For her...And for you.

chiyo

Its very hard to feel blessed to have had someone in your life when they've been taken away way too soon. Don't get me wrong, I am very HAPPY to have had the people that have passed in my life, but I wanted and needed these people (my mom, dad, brother and best friend) in my life and they're gone. Maybe its selfish to hate that they are gone but Its not fair. I know that people all over the world go though pain and suffering every day, I guess I just never thought that it would happen to me. No one really does no one realizes how fast someone you love can be taken away from you, how in a split second your life changes. I'm just panicking, I have a great family here, many people that love me and care for me and yet I can't go on and I feel like a giant failure because I cant go on happy for them.

chiyo

I burried 6 loved ones in the last 5 years, I guess it's just getting to me.

Sapling

And it should get to you....Feel that...Don't drink through that...My prayers are with you for strength chiyo...You'll get through this.

chiyo

Thanks Sapling, I know I shouldn't let it get to me, I guess I just have to learn how to not let it get to me. I probably need some sleep too considering I haven't slept for 2 days now. Maybe some rest will help me think more clearly. Now to come up with a solution to fall asleep.

Sapling

Have a nice cup of something warm..No caffiene...Think about something that makes you happy...

dawnrunner

And after your nap, maybe write something to all those you have lost. I found it very helpful to write a letter to my brothers after their deaths. Lot of tears, but a lot of ideas too and it seems to start some healing.

Oh and: Why not get the alcohol out of the house? I can't live with it; it's like it is calling my name out loud.

chiyo

I'm enjoying a nice honey/lemon/ginseng green tea right now. My 4 year old came to cuddle with me, its almost like he knew something is wrong. I feel so much calmer now. We (me and my baby) are going to go lay down and cuddle now. And tomorrow I will write letters to all my loved ones that have passed in the last 5 years. I'm thinking of maybe even tying the letters to balloons and letting them go at the cemetery. Thanks everyone for the words of kindness and support. I think I'm going to get through this.

Sapling

That sounds wonderful...

zxcirce

Hey chiyo

I'm sorry for your rough night and that you've dealt with so much death in recent times. I agree with sapling, it's absolutely ok to let it "get to you". Learning to live sober isn't about learning new ways to block out emotions we think are painful/negative, it's about learning to process, feel, honor and move on from them. If we are just shoving them off to the side, they get bigger and scarier and harder to deal with in the long run.

I think the letters are a good idea. Get it out, say what you need to, and let the balloons go.

Hugs
zxc

chicory

Chiyo,

None of your emotions make you a failure in any way. what you are feeling is what you should feel. it hurts, it stinks, it seems so wrong, to lose a loved one. and you are so right, it can happen so quickly to anyone.
thank you for sharing your feelings with us. they are hard and painful, but that is because you love so much and that is a beautiful thing. hang in there, sometimes life hurts. a lot.
i am very glad that you are doing the things to take care of yourself, no matter how much harder it seems now, it is what your loved ones would want for you. because you matter ,so very much.

prayers and good thoughts for peace and comfort for your heart. be strong, but cry when you need to. it is natural and necessary, and does help ease things at times.

chicory

Soberliner

Cant say I've dealt with much loss. Last time I dealt with a funreral was when my dad died back in 1986. being that long, dont know how I would take when my mom passes on. At the moment for me, I would just try and let time go by before I make any decisions on drinking as long as possible. I would also start writing out my memories and thoughts on paper, maybe even share them at meettings.

newleaves2012

everything about this post touched me. I'm sorry for your loss. I've never had loss on that level. please stick around this place.

DarkDays

Please get through it, I am only at 51 days and am never ever going to go through these early days again, no matter how hard it is or bored I get or how difficult I find dealing with my raw emotions, to tell you the truth the whole thing is rather exciting to me, as an Adult my whole life has been distorted and changed by alcohell even at these baby step early days I am starting to like myself a little bit more.

You can do this, sure you can !

phoebe64

Chiyo, I am glad to see you found comfort with your baby. That is what it is all about. The love and snuggles and warmth of our loved ones. You would have missed that special time(time your 4yo will cherish forever) had you been drunk. The simple things are what life is all about. The drinking and numbing or pleasure seeking tricks us into seeking similar stimuation, but it only drops us hard in the end.

True comfort, like you have had with your child, only lifts us up. It is simple, but it lifts us without any drama or falls.

I am sorry for your losses. Maybe just let yourself feel it all. Allow yourself a day in bed, crying, reading, looking at the cards you get, moping. it is all normal. Ezhaust yourself with it all and maybe you will get some good sleep. otherwise, it gets all bottled up as anxiety and stress. It has to get out.

Me, I find moping, sleeping, sleeping and more sleep get me through. I seem to get a sleepy depression with loss. But my husband has let me go there, and I do come out of it rested after some time. I just cannot go on as if nothing has happened. So, I am fortunate that he allows me that space and picks up some slack around the house.

Today, I finally feel like doing some things. After a week of moping.

Sounds like you have some good therapy with your 4yo. Maybe do something fun together and think about the pure joy children have to offer us.

I am truly sorry to read you are in so much pain. Loss of a young friend is just so untimely and sad.