theuncertainty

I've started a new book. I resisted reading it, because, well, I'm already gone. But I finally decided to read it. It's But He'll Change - Ending the Thinking that Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship by Joanna Hunter.

I often have a very hard time separating the alcoholic behavior from the abusive behavior with XAH. This passage from the book is helping me see why that is:

Substitute "living with an active alcoholic" for "abuse" in the first sentence; it still fits.

Live

I want to read that book too, thank you. It has been near a decade since I split with the abusive/alcoholic and I still struggle to understand some things and to be able to know the difference between the two........I was so naive, I thought it was all about his alcohol problem and I could be the saintly love to help him out of that, was years before I learned abuse is a totally separate issue and by the end ...I was out of my mind crazy and had sunk to lows unimaginable.
I have never lost interest in really learning and understanding what happened to me.
Before him, I would dump a guy I dated without a qualm over anything at all that didn't suit me.
This took me over, my life, put me in jail for defending myself, made me insane, turned me inside out and I wound up believing I would simply wind up dead. Even told people that if I didn't check in every couple of week...2 wks is normal, but if I ever disappeared I would have been strangled and in the bottom of a remote unknown to me lake and would never be found. And yet, I kept going back.

Live

over a decade. I joined when I ran to a family members home and hung onto no contact for real this time for dear life. I was so deeply depressed that my family member after awhile drug me into the drs office to be treated for depression.
I also got counseling (some of the best ever) from the free domestic violence center.
Yet it still remains something very puzzling to me that I want to understand better.

NYCDoglvr

You mention separating the alcoholic behavior from the abusive behavior. What does it matter? An abusive person is an abusive person and, I think, the reason is irrelevant. I only know I run from people who don't treat me with respect.

Recently someone said it's very important to know the difference between intensity and intimacy. We think because of all the drama we're close to someone but that's not true. And, an active alcoholic is incapable of intimacy. It's also very, very difficult for alcoholics with a lot of sober time.

theuncertainty

That's a good point, NYC. I guess with XAH it doesn't matter so much. Where it's starting to matter for me is realizing that just because some one isn't an alcoholic, doesn't mean they're good for me. As Coyote would say: my picker is broken.

Live

My understanding and thinking were very confused and distorted.
It may not matter to anyone else but me, but I still have the desire to learn and understand what was what, and what happened to me.

flower43

I really relate to this thread. I am going to get the book and read it. Learning to trust your gut instincts again is such a challenge when you've lived through the cycle of abuse. I learned to numb myself and my feelings with alcohol.