eJoshua

I am finding lately that a lot of anger is bubbling up in my life. I just completed my 5th step and I didn't realize until I started my 4th step that I had a lot of resentments built up towards others.

I recognize that a lot of my anger stems from the fact that I have unrealistic expectations of other people and that I forget that others make mistakes just like I do, and yet it's still hard to let these feelings go.

Do you guys know what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm mad at some people for unjustifiable reasons and I don't know how to let go.

Purplecatlover

Yes. When I started writing out my resentments on paper, it was like never ending. I didn't realize I was that angry.
It just takes time. We are all imperfect humans. How can we be angry when we have done the same kinds of things at one point or another.
And there are lots of worse things that could've happened with our own hands if our HP was not watching out for us ie, killing an innocent person while drunk driving, etc.

Maybe you are holding on to anger toward others b/c you would then have to forgive yourself, which is far more difficult, IMO.

Dee74

It was often said of me that I didn't suffer fools gladly.

What that really meant was I was impatient, I was often quick to judge and not often very empathetic.

I wasn't a jerk - mostly - but there was room for improvement.

I've worked hard to cultivate those skills and I think not only is my recovery better for it, but I'm way better for it too

I try hard to put myself in other people's shoes now - especially the folks who push my buttons and tick me off....and sometimes I even manage to do that

we're all works in progress Joshua - I'm still working on it
D

sugarbear1

Are you working with a sponsor? My 4th step helped me to understand me more. I had no anger afterwards, only compassion....

What happened to 6 & 7? One hour of reflection and then a prayer......

Sapling

It's the truth about the lie.

Sapling

Are you working with a sponsor Josh?

eJoshua

Not a sponsor per se, but a recovery group and a counselor.

Sapling

This isn't AA then right...Different 12 step program..I'm lost here.

eJoshua

Correct. I go to AA meetings but I'm not working the AA program. My recovery plan is 12 step based though.

Sapling

Well...Then I can't tell you the truth about the lie.....How close are the steps?...Do you do a four column resentment inventory on step 4?

eJoshua

Yes. Essentially the steps are the same.

Sapling

I don't get it...The steps are the program of recovery...If they are the same...And you go to AA meetings...What's missing that you aren't a member of AA?

raindancer11

Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I had to learn how to be aware of the resentment without adding more drama to it. Essentially, I had to stop building cases against people. So, whenever negative thoughts come up, I acknowledge that at one time I felt that way but that was then. Now, I'm just experiencing the memory of that resentment but not actually feeling any new resentment. If that makes any sense.

I found that, for me, resentment started with me not feeling good about myself.

jv369

a lot of recovery houses are based on the 12 steps, but not necessarily AA. this is because people are all there for different reasons, so they may require/prefer a certain fellowship like CA, NA etc instead of AA. for this reason recovery houses do not refer to the AA steps, but just to the 12 step program in general(along with group and one on one counseling). but seeing as josh is going to AA meetings i would consider him a member of AA, and for all intents and purposes is doing the AA program.

and josh, i hear you on the judgment/expectations thing. something i need to work on.

Sapling

Thanks...That's how I looked at it. I heard in a meeting once that expectations are resentments under construction...That just stuck with me...I work daily on lowering my expectations...For others...And myself.
As far as that 4th step goes...Someone explained that to me as....
Look at the first three columns as the Lie...The fourth column...Cause....As the truth. We learn about ourselves from working outside in....We learn the truth about the lie.

Fenris

I went through kinda the same thing Josh. I had no idea until I did my fourth step just how angry I was (and why) at other people. I used to think I was an angry drunk (just add booze and I turned into the Hulk...except scrawnier, less green, and with a bigger vocabulary), but the fourth step showed me that I was really just an angry person in general who was pretty good at repressing it when (rarely) sober. And nine times out of ten, I was angry at someone else because of their reaction to something I'd done (I stepped on plenty of my fellows' toes, as the Big Book says). And on the rare occasion when my resentment wasn't ultimately based on something I'd done or didn't do, my sponsor showed me how empathy was the path towards letting those resentments go as well. I second what Sapling said about expectations.

It is hard to let these things go and learn how to deal with others in a different way -- but I've found that it's a process that gets easier with practice. I think you might also find it would be easier if you were working one-on-one with an AA sponsor, but that's just based off my own experience.

--Fenris.

Sapling

I put fourth column...Cause...I meant Resolve...Our part....The Cause goes under the Lie department.

eJoshua

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses and suggestions. I think I have to stop and remember how far I've come and then remember that change doesn't ever happen as fast as you want it to.

Elisabeth888

This is so hard to do, but I pray for people I am pissed off at.

Sapling

That works...Did you read the story Freedom From Bondage in the back of the Big Book Elisabeth888?....Great story.