bluebelle

My addict/mentally ill mother has a history of violent behavior toward family/friends and of self-harm. Several years ago, we moved my grandparents away from my mom for their safety. My mom had become psychotic was was trying to attack them. Their health was fragile due to their age.

Fast forward several years. My mom's condition seems to be the same, although none of us know for sure because we do not live near her. She had a couple of suicide attempts last year (via overdose). When I talk to her on the phone, her mood is pretty changeable. She has not screamed at me on the phone in a few years. I think a lot of that is because she knows that I won't allow it.

My grandmother now wants my mom to go visit them and she wants me to go, too!! The last couple of times I saw my mom, she tried to attack me and my grandmother. My grandmother stated, "Your mother sounds better on the phone."

I told my grandmother that I would not go because I didn't feel safe around my mom. I feel guilty because I feel that my mom will be even more enraged that I'm not there. My grandmother seems to want this happy family reunion, that I know is not possible. Whenever my mom is involved, everything involves a whole lot of drama. I worry about my grandparents' safety when my mom visiting. I kind of wish I could be there so that I could protect them. On the other hand, I know that I can't stop my mom's behavior.

The part that bothers me the most is that my grandmother is once again acting like everything is fine. For my entire life, my mom has been on drugs, and has had severe mental illness. Despite the arrests for selling drugs, felonious assault, b & e---despite the calls to have my mom removed from my grandparents' home--even with everything, my grandmother is acting like I'm the one with the problem because I don't want to join them in this reunion.

My grandmother is very elderly, and gets confused sometimes. I know it's all the same old story. I'm just upset to see the drama continuing.

tjp613

You sound like you have every right to be concerned! Is there any way you can convince your grandmother that this is not a good idea? Will there be anyone there that can protect them if your mom becomes aggressive?

KuanYin

Wow, that's a tough one. I mean obviously you are right, but I see your concern about your grandmother's wishes. How does your grandfather feel about all of this? Does your mother live within driving distance, or would this require flying and staying overnight? Are your grandparents talking about a 2 hour visit or a week? If your mom has a mental health counselor, possibly he/she could suggest a mutually convenient location - a safe place obviously - where all could meet, have lunch, and then depart? Don't know if this is possible, but thinking 'short and sweet'? It sounds like grandma is wanting to see her daughter before, umm, you know, old people start thinking about their final days and all, and want to see folks before they die, and maybe this could be what's on her mind.

bluebelle

My grandmother has always been very stubborn. My aunt and uncle live near my grandparents. I haven't talked to them about this, but I'm sure they don't want my mom anywhere near them or my grandparents. They helped when we had to get my mom committed for being dangerous to others. However, that was in my mom's town. I can't imagine what we would do if my mom became unsafe in another state.

bluebelle

I have no idea how my grandfather feels. I know that my grandfather said he didn't want my mom to visit last year. I don't talk to him very much because he has difficulty hearing on the phone. My mom lives only within flying distance. My grandparents' plan is to have my mom fly to them and stay with them for 2 weeks. It's shocking that they would consider it. Yes, I'm sure that my grandma wants to see my mom before she dies. It also sounds like she wants us to all reunite before she dies. You are right, a short visit in a mutually agreeable place would be the only possibility considering the circumstances.

The situation is really insane. My mom is completely dependent on other people due to her mental health issues. She has an aide come to her house and take care of her. I can't imagine how she would fly to visit my grandparents, and then who would take care of her there? My grandmother was acting like she was disappointed that I didn't want to join this event. I reminded her that the last several times I've tried to see my mom, she attacked me. She is very unpredictable, and will be talking to you and smiling one minute, and going off the next. I almost had the idea that my grandmother was hoping that I would go there so I could be there to take care of my mom. My mom had two serious suicide attempts last year, and got very close to being successful. I can't imagine what we would do in this other state if my mom had a psych emergency. It's ridiculous.

outtolunch

All things considered, based on what you have shared, I would not take responsibility for trying to satisfy grandma's hopeful fantasy that it's one big happy family. Her daughter is mentally ill and an addict, regardless of how your grandma recalls things.

What's the liklihood your mom has the financial and cognitive resources and ability to get to the airport, the gate, on a plane and to her parent's home without assistance from someone?

Would you consider visiting your grandparents some time, unrelated to a visit from your mom?

bluebelle

The likelihood is nil. However, my mom is very manipulative. She will find a member from the church to give her a ride. Plus, she has a home health aide that does things for her. I'm not sure that she can get herself to the airport and through the gate, etc. I'm trying not to worry too much, because it probably won't even be able to manage getting there.

I will definitely go visit my grandparents any time as long as my mom isn't there. I had to tell my grandmother last night that I wouldn't go while my mom was there, but I will come visit them at another time.

I don't know why I'm shocked that my grandmother is still trying to fix my mom. She has said before that she feels guilty and that "I don't understand' because she isn't my daughter.

outtolunch

I understand. Sounds like grandma has been doing this for decades and all things considered, unlikely to be open to learning she has had alternativers, all along.