December2011

I feel that I have been in a non-stop disaster recovery plan for the past 7 years of my son’s addiction. Some horrid event was always lurking around the corner with maybe a couple of days reprieve in between. Freedom, told me about the toll it will take on my health (not getting any younger) and I can see why. I was a having daily panic attacks and could feel the grey hairs sprouting, I was not eating well at all, my relationships with family and my BF were going downhill as well. This no-contact rule is a freedom I have not known for a long time, no panic attacks or worrying myself to death.

washbe2

Good for you. Gives me hope and encouragement.

EnglishGarden

Wonderful post.

There is just no reason to have contact with an active addict who is clearly not interested in recovery.

The time for renewal of contact is within the container of a sustained recovery on the part of the addict. Then communication will mean something and the relationship can be rebuilt.

KuanYin

Uh, yes, I feel like I'm reading about my life. Also was having panic attacks, migraines, I got to where I was afraid to leave the house because something awful would always happen. I'd go to the grocery store and literally rush back home before .... what???....the roof caved in or I don't know what, but seemd something bad was always bound to happen when I was not there , standing guard. And talk about grey hair? Oh boy. Yeah, I got 'em. But I was living inside an insane asylum. Trying to run one and live in it.

I probably won't hear from my AS for a while, after today's Crazy call, and that's good, because I'm right about to go ahead and make that committment to myself to go "No contact". I guess I need to ask around and read up on just exactly how to do that. Do I tell him I'm going No Contact until he's reached a specified point, or ???? I'd been at very minimal contact and that was working well, until the lovely Crazy call!

outtolunch

Back in the day, I acquired Shingles. While increasingly common in mature people, it's rare amongst those under 55. My Md. asked me at the time if I was under extreme/traumatic stress, a known trigger of the dormant virus. I burst into tears in her office.

I rank the pain of Shingles as substantially greater and certainly more persistent than natural unmedicated childbirth. Depending on which part of the body it strikes, it can cause permanent facial disfiguration, blindness and loss of hearing. I was fortunate because it only impacted my back and waist.

This, along with my declining bank account, increased insanity and the wisdom found within this forum helped me create and enforce my boundary that I would not live with anyone in active addiction or early recovery.

The weight of the world was lifted off my back, when I decided to save myself.

.

islandcat

When I couldnt take it anymore I told my AS that I needed him to go and leave me alone, his addiction was making me sick. No phone calls and not to come around. When he would still call I would not answer, if it was really important he could have left a message, he never did. I know parents who have had to put restraining orders out. Do you get instant relief, I didnt, you will worry about where they are and if they are okay. But as we need to remember an addict is very resourceful and they find ways to get their DOC and what little else they need. Tell him you will be there when and if he decides to get well and you need your strength to deal with that. I too got shingles.

kmangel

I have had shingles, too--but not during my son's drugs and alcohol period of his life. I got shingles when I was pregnant--and it was when I was pregnant with him--my later addicted son. Thank God his antics haven't driven me to get shingles again! Once is more than enough.

December2011

KuanYin
As far as telling him that you are breaking contact, that is up to you. I didn’t do that with my AS, because I think he knows why I do not answer the phone. The second to last time we spoke he called me every name in the book and threatened to come kill me. Then he called from the hospital in the morning (he got messed up and hurt himself) he said he wanted me to pick him up, crying. I quickly said “no!” and hung of the phone. No explanation. He managed a ride from the hospital, and came here with a friends Grandma, wanting to take a shower and pick up his things. My BF handled it, and gave him his things, but no shower here. I stayed in my room with the door locked. I think I would have told him I was choosing to distance myself if we would have parted ways on better terms, but I think that rarely happens with our addicted loved ones. They push reasonable loving people to the ultimate limit of human tolerance.
Yes, I do get a little anxiety when there is a knock on the door (thankfully he hasn’t pounded on my door….yet) or the phone rings, but ignoring it is nothing compared to the drama, manipulation, stress, and desperation of actually answering the phone and having to talk to him. I would rather not know and what is going on no matter how horrible it may be. Plus, I am weaker when I have contact and I am a lot more likely to cave in.

December2011

OuttoLunch

"The weight of the world was lifted off my back, when I decided to save myself. "
Sooooo true

pommie

I haven't had contact with my AS since early December. BUT he contacts my mother constantly always asking for money.

Thru her I know he has no job, no driver's license because of unpaid fines, no car (two versions of that story- either it was stolen or it's been impounded) the people he is living with are throwing him out at the end of March unless he starts paying some rent.

I don't know how he will get a job with no car or license, but he didn't get a job when he had those things.

I wish I didn't know this stuff, since I can't do anything about it, so needless to say I am very depressed today.

mybabycolt

Once I decided inside of myself---- FOR MYSELF~~that I would not have anymore contact it was the most liberating thing in the world.

I had tried the "no contact" before and always caved in. The difference THIS TIME is that I am not doing "No Contact" as a way to manipulate or control my daughter...............I am doing it FOR ME. To move forward in my life and choose a life of peace, free from all the insanity that the addicts bring with them!

mybabycolt

Pommie......One of the things I have done is to refuse to accept any information about her in any way. I could look at her Facebook if I wanted (I Won't), I could hear about how or what she's doing from other family members. I won't do that either. I absolutely refuse to have anyone speak anything about her to me.
It would be better for her I believe if all of them cut her off as well. I cannot control that, but I CAN control whether or not I allow any information to be shared with me.

I wasn't always like that. I used to call my MIL and ask her what she knew and then I'd sit and fret about it and even get angry and feel betrayed that she was communicating with my daughter when I was trying to take the "tough love" approach and she was not on board with me in doing that. (another relationship within this saga damaged as a result of addiction)

Joyce Meyer was talking this morning about doing something for yourself. That it's OKAY to treat yourself and do something for yourself.

For me...I feel like I cannot have "myself" with my daughter in my life because she is drowning and she's pulling all of us under water with her.

So sadly, what I am "doing for myself" is admitting to myself that I HAVE done EVERYTHING a parent could possibly do and my job is over now. God loves her more then I do. I put her in His hands.

JMFburns

mybabycolt,

You are an inspiration to parents! Thank you for your gift of sanity to yourself and for sharing it here.

pommie

mybabycolt--

Thank you - very wise advice. I wish I could get my mom to stop sharing with me. What stops me is guilt that she is dealing with all this and its MY son.

KuanYin

I haven't had any more "crazy calls" (knocking on wood) but every single time that darn phone rings, I jump, my stomach clinches into a knot, and I look at caller ID....and see it's not him, and start to calm. That feels insane. Obviously I'm still on edge after the last episode of "As the Addict Turns". And speaking of the grandparents....My mother constanstly asks me, "How's xxxx?" and wants a full and complete update on whatever the latest episode is. I long ago stopped, and told her it was too mentally and emotionally exhausting to rehash it all, so I preferred to just not discuss him. And then she starts in with, "Well I don't see why he does't just quit using drugs. Why don't you just talk to him and tell him to just stop?....." (smacks head, WOW I shoulda thought of that!) I wish there was a Grandparents of Addicts Group, because I am completely unable to explain it to her!

Ilovemysonjj

Been there done that ... Now awaiting his ACTIONS since he is in sober living;
TT

StyleandEase

Thanks to all for all your posts. I am a mom of AD looking for words of wisdom from sick-of-it-all parents. I spent the entire year of 2011 babysitting my 18 year old daughter on house arrest and paying for treatment and therapy and everything else just for her to go right back out there and use again.
I need help living with the guilt of no contact and trying to let go. Try as I might to not answer her screaming phone calls, I just cant bring myself to cut her off. The guilt is killing me...the wondering if she is ok, the worrying about that cop knocking on my door to tell me she is dead, the times she has been beat up, arrested and plain strung out. She will be 19 on Saturday, I dont know if she will come home for her birthday, but I imagine she will ask me for money which I am not willing to give. Her filthy language, name calling and manipulation is enough to drive me over the edge, and she does all this right in front of her 2 year old son, too. I'm so ashamed of her and what her life has become.

outtolunch

Style & Ease:
Who has custody of the 2 year old?

Back when, like you, I awfulized the future and waited for the call.

One night after finding my daughter on her hands and knees on my bedroom floor looking for my wallet and/or car keys, I got a rope and tied her to me. That night I realized anything short of keeping her physically tied to me was not going to keep her clean and that doing so, against her will, was a crime.

For me, the guilt was directly tied to my own hopeful fantasy that I had the power to control my daughter and her choices.

I had enough of a sound mind left to realize that I was loosing my sanity. I realized I had a choice to go down with her ship or save myself. I chose to save me because I am the only person I control.

No one has the right, no matter how well intended, to impose themselves between an addict and the consequences. With out consequences, there is no hope for recovery. My daughter eventually chose to save herself and did so in her own timeframe and in spite of me.

Take some time and read the stickies at the top of this page, especially the ones directed at parents.

StyleandEase

The boy's father has him and is doing quite well. My daughter gets her visitation, but I dont think she wants it, so I get him a lot or my mother and father take him to their place. She likes to "play" mom, but isnt very convincing because life is all about her and her temper and moods are all over the place.

Thanks for the advice, I will do more reading.

mybabycolt

styleandease.....my daughter just turned 19. Her child just turned 1. The State took her baby into Protective Custody 2 days before the baby's birthday. I have lived in a constant state of chaos for the last 6yrs from her nonsense. I have had all the same panic you just talked about. In fact, I still wake up sometimes with dreams of standing in a morgue identifying her body. I DO get what you are saying and feeling! And with that being said...there isn't a darn thing you can do about it except LET HER FALL! You want your daughter back? LET HER FALL!! You want the craziness and chaos and heartbreak and turmoil to Stop? Then my dear....you HAVE TO let her fall. You know what is standing between her and recovery? YOU ARE. And every meal you feed her, every night she's sleeping soundly under your roof. All those things that any Mother would do for her child are the very things that is helping your daughter to be and remain a drug addict! Don't tell Me.... Its FOOD I'm giving my kid. Because she has figured out how to get drugs, right? When she gets hungry for THAT, she sure doesn't have a problem getting that! I'll just get she's a pretty resourceful young lady! If she can get her drugs.....she can get her food too! You Do Not help her with ANYTHING except treatment when she's ready. You want that to happen sooner rather then later? Then you stop ALL Contact. And when you're lying in bed at night terrified with all the possibilities of where she might be and if she's okay.......you just have to imagine God asking you, "StyleandEase, do you trust Me? You say you have Faith, so why aren't you trusting me with your daughter? Don't you know that I love her more then even you do? Trust Me child. My ways are not your ways".
StyleandEase....I'm North of the River, but I'll drive and meet you to buy you a cup of coffee?