I pick up the phone anyway
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
I pick up the phone anyway
So a while ago I posted that my older brother was probably going to federal prison for a really long time and that my mom had signed to be the custodial guardian (or whatever) of his girlfriend until the next court date, which also entailed keeping their 1 year-old son.
Well a few days ago I was on the phone with my mom and she was telling me that my brother's girlfriend "has turned against" them and is spreading dirt about my family to her dad, who pretty much cut ties with her when she was hitting the hard stuff with my brother, until very recently. Her dad wants the baby, my mom hates her dad, blah blah blah. Well yesterday my mom called me crying and said that my brother's girlfriend went to live with her dad and the judge signed off on it (her dad wants to take the baby and make her go to a treatment center, which I guess will come next). My mom said she's really angry and she was trying to teach my brother's gf how to be a good mom by taking her in, and that she should have just left her in jail where she belonged. So my mom can't see the baby anymore. I understand this is sad for her, but I see the whole set of events as an improvement. I told her, like I always do, that I think my brother's gf's dad (AAAH, don't get confused) made the right choice by cutting ties and that now he wants to do what is best for the baby by taking him away from her. She always gets so mad at me when I say things like this. I dunno, maybe I sounded a little cold, but I'm so sick of hearing her complain when she doesn't get what she wants and refuses to change anything (she still thinks she is trying to change everything by helping the addicts). I told her that going to Al-Anon would really be helpful and make things more clear for her. I am sure she is thinking "Well what in the hell would that do for anyone?" That's usually the point where she doesn't want to continue the conversation, so we both hang up mad. I'm sure she has already told my grandmother (they are like the same person when it comes to supporting the junkies) and anyone else who will listen that I'm a stuck-up little bi*** with a perfect life who thinks she has all the answers. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY SHE CALLS ME! She already knew what I would think.
Well now that I read back over this I see it is pretty clear that I'm not doing a very good job of detaching.
Usually I finish with a question for people to help me answer, but I can't think of the right one. I want to be told what to do. That way I won't feel as guilty for ignoring her phone calls. And I know this is a no-no, but I still want so badly for her to just listen to me and change. I suppose that's why I pick up the phone anyway when she calls.
Well a few days ago I was on the phone with my mom and she was telling me that my brother's girlfriend "has turned against" them and is spreading dirt about my family to her dad, who pretty much cut ties with her when she was hitting the hard stuff with my brother, until very recently. Her dad wants the baby, my mom hates her dad, blah blah blah. Well yesterday my mom called me crying and said that my brother's girlfriend went to live with her dad and the judge signed off on it (her dad wants to take the baby and make her go to a treatment center, which I guess will come next). My mom said she's really angry and she was trying to teach my brother's gf how to be a good mom by taking her in, and that she should have just left her in jail where she belonged. So my mom can't see the baby anymore. I understand this is sad for her, but I see the whole set of events as an improvement. I told her, like I always do, that I think my brother's gf's dad (AAAH, don't get confused) made the right choice by cutting ties and that now he wants to do what is best for the baby by taking him away from her. She always gets so mad at me when I say things like this. I dunno, maybe I sounded a little cold, but I'm so sick of hearing her complain when she doesn't get what she wants and refuses to change anything (she still thinks she is trying to change everything by helping the addicts). I told her that going to Al-Anon would really be helpful and make things more clear for her. I am sure she is thinking "Well what in the hell would that do for anyone?" That's usually the point where she doesn't want to continue the conversation, so we both hang up mad. I'm sure she has already told my grandmother (they are like the same person when it comes to supporting the junkies) and anyone else who will listen that I'm a stuck-up little bi*** with a perfect life who thinks she has all the answers. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY SHE CALLS ME! She already knew what I would think.
Well now that I read back over this I see it is pretty clear that I'm not doing a very good job of detaching.
Usually I finish with a question for people to help me answer, but I can't think of the right one. I want to be told what to do. That way I won't feel as guilty for ignoring her phone calls. And I know this is a no-no, but I still want so badly for her to just listen to me and change. I suppose that's why I pick up the phone anyway when she calls.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Well sugar...it sounds to me like you are totally tired of having your brothers bs crammed in your ears over and over! I can understand that. I think your mom should learn to understand that too....and when she calls you....ask about how you are doing! If she wants to rehash the brother bs...she can call her mom (since they feel the same)! I'm pretty sure you have had to listen to everything your brother has or has not done throughout your life...and now his gf and baby and gf's father....blah blah blah....do you have to screw up really bad in life to be a topic for interests? Be good, be cool, and be happy!...mags
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
Thanks, Steelmagnolia. She does ask how I am and what my kids are up to, but I don't think it's really because she wants to know. I think she calls to share news because she wants me to feel bad and comfort her. I end up just feeling disgusted. You make a very good point that I honestly hadn't really thought about: She does have my grandmother to do this for her already. I will try to keep this in mind the next time she steers the conversation in that direction. Ultimtely I may just need to learn to stop answering her calls. Thank you again.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Hi talltrees: I like your drama llama analogy! And it sure sounds like your mama is a drama llama 
Here's what helped me in a somewhat similar sitiation:
About 10 or so years ago, I decided to leave and ultimately divorce my 2nd husband of 5 years. After we were married I learned he was an addict and alcoholic. But he hid it from outsiders well. My mother thought he literally 'hung the moon' so to speak. I didn't want to re-hash any of it with family members, just didn't have the desire or emotional energy to do it, let alone bear the burden of the blame that was sure to come my way, so I decided not to. I wrote my mom a nice letter and told her that we were getting divorced, and that I was not going to discuss it. Not now, not later in the future, not ever. I told her that I don't really care what all the rest of the family says, discusses, concludes, conjectures or speculates behind my back, but just don't bring the matter up in my presence. I said it all in a very positive manner, I said I love her and my family, but this is a topic that is off limits. (lightbulb - I just now realized I'd set a boundary!!!). It worked. Then, oh about 6 or 7 years later, mom figured she'd test the waters one day when just she and I were in a long trip in the car together. She slipped in to the conversation a question about why me and the ex had gotten divorced. I quickly said, "remember, I said that topic is off limits, do you want to have lunch at this restaurant, or the other one, and then go on to the outlet mall, I'm starving?" And so far, that's been the end of it. I expect she'll try again, but I'll have a conversational diversion ready if she does.
Again, I assert, phones are bad!
Here's what helped me in a somewhat similar sitiation:About 10 or so years ago, I decided to leave and ultimately divorce my 2nd husband of 5 years. After we were married I learned he was an addict and alcoholic. But he hid it from outsiders well. My mother thought he literally 'hung the moon' so to speak. I didn't want to re-hash any of it with family members, just didn't have the desire or emotional energy to do it, let alone bear the burden of the blame that was sure to come my way, so I decided not to. I wrote my mom a nice letter and told her that we were getting divorced, and that I was not going to discuss it. Not now, not later in the future, not ever. I told her that I don't really care what all the rest of the family says, discusses, concludes, conjectures or speculates behind my back, but just don't bring the matter up in my presence. I said it all in a very positive manner, I said I love her and my family, but this is a topic that is off limits. (lightbulb - I just now realized I'd set a boundary!!!). It worked. Then, oh about 6 or 7 years later, mom figured she'd test the waters one day when just she and I were in a long trip in the car together. She slipped in to the conversation a question about why me and the ex had gotten divorced. I quickly said, "remember, I said that topic is off limits, do you want to have lunch at this restaurant, or the other one, and then go on to the outlet mall, I'm starving?" And so far, that's been the end of it. I expect she'll try again, but I'll have a conversational diversion ready if she does.
Again, I assert, phones are bad!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Maybe she just wants to vent and be heard, rather than being told how wrong her thinking is. Maybe you could just learn to be a broken record by saying, "Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yes I can see why you feel that way." You're not agreeing with her, but you are validating her feelings. It should help minimize conflict.
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