RLW

Hello, I am a sister of a severe alcholic and she is currently laying in a hospital bed, bright yellow and full of fluid. She is only 29, but her addiction has been severe for the past several years. My mother has been severely enabling this for years despite everything that has went on. Looking for similar situations or people for advice or support.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your situation and for your sister RLW.

I know you'll find a lot of support, experience and hope here
Welcome

D

RLW

Thank You. Not sure how to use these sights yet.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but so sorry about what brought you here tonight. Prayers for you and your loved ones as you witness your sister's fragile condition from alcoholism.

We are here to support you.
We are open 24/7 and have members all over the world.

We have forums like this you can post into. We have stickies (older, permanent posts) that are located at the top of this page. The stickies have a little lock box symbol on the left column. They are there for viewing, but don't allow for current comments to be added. They have been preserved there because of the wonderful wisdom they provide. I am always finding nuggets of wisdom when I read in those posts.

We also offer distractions - an arcade to help develop your hand/eye coordination. The arcade is located in the dark blue tool bar near the top of your main page for this forum.

Also on the main page, near the bottom are some social pages. Those pages are for off topic (not necessarily recovery related) discussions. I like to read the recovery follies for a good laugh some days.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. We care about you!

Impurrfect

(((RLW))) - I had never been on a forum before coming here. I read a lot of other posts, all over the place, without signing on for a year. Now, I'm still all over the place, but I feel like part of a really big family.

I'm sorry about your sister. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) here from people who have been or are still in similar situations.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

RLW

I am not sure what to do about my mother. She is still making up excuses for my Sister and as she is laying in a hospital bed, living day to day. My mother has been making up excuses for my sister's alcholism for years. I blame my mother as much as my sister for how bad the situation has gotten. I don't know where to begin, making my mom realize that she is half the problem. My mother is still not accepting anything.

Willybluedog

RLW,

Sorry to say bit I don't think you can make anyone do anything when it comes to this kind of thing.

My dad has been trying to make my mom stop drinking for 40+ years, she loves alcohol more than anyone or anything in her life.

Would your mom go to an al-anon meeting if you went with her?

I have found it's the old "you can lead a horse to water" addage, all you can do is work on you, that has been incredibly hard for me to accept, but therapy is helping me get there.

I hope it all works out for you, I will say a prayer for you and your family, if you would like to talk, I will be here.

Big hugs,

Bill

Pelican

RLW,

Your mother may be in deep denial. For her, this may be a survival reaction. No parent expects to out live their child. Losing a child to addiction may be more than she can handle on a day-to-day basis. Denial for her may be a coping mechanism to protect herself from this reality.

You have my sympathy. It must be very frustrating to see your mom making emotional decisions.

I'm sorry you do not have the support you need from your mother during this time. (((hugs)))

I have found encouragement, comfort and strength from some of the slogans/phrases/prayers offered in Alanon. In situations where I feel powerless to change other people, the serenity prayer helps me. I repeat it over and over until I feel the weight of the situation start to lift from my shoulders:

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

this is my favorite version with edits for clarity:

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change (other people, things)
The Courage to change the things I can (me, myself and I)
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

RLW

What is Al-anon? Not sure about the spelling but I have read a few comments suggesting family members of alcoholics do this? What is it? Sorry, I am new to the alcoholic world of support.

Willybluedog

Al-Anon is the family and friend side of AA, you can go there to learn about the disease and get support and help from others who have been through the same thing, you can find a local meeting or attend meetings on-line. Just google or ***** search al-anon.

Big hugs,

Bill

RLW

I understand that I cannot change others behavior and only my own. This does not change the feelings of guilt that I have regarding how bad my sister got before actually going in for help. I keep having this wrenching feeling that I should have tried harder to get through to her and my mother. It is not easy sitting and watching a loved one sit and kill themselves with alchohol and pills, for the past four years. I did try but I just gave up trying because my sister and mother would shoot me down.

My sister is still alive three weeks in, and was trasfered to a new hospital in the metro area because the one hosptial could not do any more for her. She seems to be doing a little better at this new hospital because they have more resources. I cannot stand listening to my mother and my sister speak lies to the physicians concerning her past medical history. The doctors asked my mother if they knew about the liver dysfunction when they were told about her bad kindey levels 6- months ago and they told the three doctors standing there "no". I know they did not believe her by the way the doctor looked at the one but I keep thinking, the "Jig" is up, why lie. No one has even mentioned the mass amount of pain killers and downers she has taken, that could have contributed to her liver and kidney failure; as well. Sorry just needed to put it out there. What an emotional roller coaster. Thanks for advice for al-anon meeting. I am scared to go by myself buy I know I need to go.

Cyranoak

Alanon is where you'll find your answers. My wife is my alcoholic.

This may help if you are in North America: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

RubyRose

Hi R, I have a sister that is a severe alcoholic as well. She has been since she was 17-18 years old. She is 48 now and I don't know what keeps her going, but just in this last year she has begun to actually look sick.

She drinks everyday until she passes out and many if not most nights she doesn't even remember what she has done or said. It is so hard to see someone you love killing themselves like that. My Mom used to make excuses and was in as much denial as my sister is up until about a year or so ago.

Your sister is so very young that is must be incredibly hard for your Mom to accept her daughters self-induced health.

We, as a family, have finally started to live our lives around her and not with her. No one will answer their phone if it is her after 6pm - including my Mom. I love her very much, but I can't stand to be around her! My other sister feels the same way.

I think it is going to take a huge near-death scare to make my sister realize how bad she is - she is in denial herself.

About 10 years ago my sister remarried and some friends and us sisters tried to give her a wedding shower. We found out that she was barred from two of the bars in her hometown!! She has never mentioned it and we never said anything. That was what it took to open our eyes!

I hope your sister gets well for her own sake and for the sake's of the ones who love her. Whether or not she does is not in your hands, your Mom's hands or even your sister hands at this time.

You have no reason on this earth to believe you had anything to do with her drinking or drugging. Or her illness or her recovery. Or your Mom's reaction to anything. Only your sister can help herself. You have done nothing wrong.

It is impossible not to worry, I know that because I still worry too. I try to keep my distance though, she's not going to change anything because I want her to, and I know that.

The Drs. are going to have her liver/kidney problems figured out very quickly. No matter what she or your Mom say, the lab results won't lie.

I don't know if you are up to it but you could quietly fill the Nurses at the Nursing Station in with some of your concerns about her untruths. They will let the Drs. know what you've said. They can't tell you anything but you can tell them!

Take care of yourself. Hugs and kisses.

...Ruby...

EnglishGarden

RLW,

In the hospital there will be a social worker. Ask the chaplain how to direct you to that office. This person can likely give you information for families affected by alcoholism, brochures about Al-Anon, alcoholism, etc. And there may be an Al-Anon weekly meeting right there in the hospital, as many do offer rooms to Al-Anon meetings. I have gone to various meetings inside hospitals.

I am very sorry for what you have had to witness in your sister's tragic decline. You may struggle with guilt, but even the very best doctors and counselors in the world often cannot convince someone to stop drinking or drugging. If in their expertise they fail, how could you have possibly changed your sister, as you have no training and no experience. It is a medical illness of the brain and you are powerless over it and powerless to control your sister.

Please know that there is help and support for you. It is devastating to be so powerless but people truly do reach a place of peace about it.

For now, your sister is in the hands of the doctors, of God, the angels all around her. And you are not alone. You, too, are watched over.

I hope she survives. Many alcoholics go through the worst kind of health crises and so many of them pull through. It always amazes me but they do. Do not give up hope.

RLW

My sister has gotten a little better over the last few days and the hospital is looking to move her to a nursing home or treatment center. Seems to me, that she is not medically stable, to be going to treatment. When is treatment appropriate? She just ate a couple bites of this bright yellow soap (that was a gift) last night, thinking it was candy!! Her mental state is getting better with her health but slowly. Wow!!

I would recommend any of your family members, who are alchoholics, to go and see my sister. I had no idea that alcohol could turn a persons body bright yellow, turn their eyes scary yellow, lose mental capabilities, gain 100 or more pounds of fluid all over their bodies, unable to walk to the bathroom without assitance, have to potentially go to live in a nursing home at the age of 29, to only be thankful enough to survive, to even make it to treatment.

I understand people's addictions get the best of them and take over. I wonder if my sister or others, could see the possible outcome or consequences of their choices, if they would have still chosen the same path????? or is it, their addiction takes over so much, they do not care?

My mother literally hid my sister (My sister hid as well) upstairs for weeks before bringing her in to get medical help, all the while, feeding her booze because my sister has been unable to drive for quite some time. When I finally saw my sister, before she went to the hospital/treatment, she looked like she was dying (as described above), because she was. She literally was still drinking straight vodka from a glass on the way to the hospital.

EnglishGarden

So glad to hear she is still alive.

Unfortunately the denial component of the disease is so strong that it is unlikely any alcoholic seeing your sister would stop drinking. The alcoholic would simply rationalize and deny any commonality with her.

What helps addicts reach recovery quickest? When people stop enabling.

We don't cause the disease, but we can sure come between the alcoholic and recovery by constantly rescuing and not setting firm boundaries. This is why families of alcoholics need counseling. They often do all the wrong things because they don't know what the right things are.

Will you find an Al-Anon meeting or a counselor for yourself, for support? Your sister will always be an alcoholic, and you will always be affected, whether she is sober or not. It is a family disease.

Your mother may not want to recover from its effects. But you can.

Hoping each day is better and better for you sister.

RLW

Thank you for your support. I went to my first Alanon meeting tonight. I even spoke, but I am not sure if anyone could understand me. I was crying a little bit and speaking quickly. I have a terrible fear of public speaking but this was just a small group of mostly women. Thank you for your encouragement. I am not sure how much it actually helped but it fealt good to talk to people face to face and hear some others stories. I referred a woman to try your sight.

After going to Alanon, I think I will try another one some place else. I think, I may need a counselor because I am looking for more direct answers and more resources. What kind of a counselor would anyone recommend? Just a regular psychologist or an actual CD counselor?

There is so much to learn about addiction its power over people and the addicts family.

Thanks again for all of the encouragement and rescources.

EnglishGarden

The most important decision in choosing a counselor, I was told, is whether you feel compatible with that person. Many counselors have a "meet" session, which they do not charge you for, to discuss your needs and goals in counseling, and the counselor to let you know his or her approach, his fees, scheduling preferences, etc.

I have found that referrals work best rather than scanning the yellow pages. Maybe someone in the Al-Anon group has a referral (though not his or her own counselor, but someone he or she may know of). Maybe the hospital social worker can offer suggestions.

It was brave of you, going to your first meeting. It is a such a gentle, nonjudgmental place but most people are still nervous about showing up. But addiction experts say it really is what's needed for the family. Otherwise the family gets pathologically entangled with the addict and everyone loses the way. But going to Al-Anon, even the act of going to Al-Anon--even if the group isn't all the gangbusters you hoped it would be!--is an act of health and a defiance of the disease.

And SR is always here, too.

Willybluedog

RLW, that was very brave of you to attend that meeting and even more brave of you to stand up and speak. I am very proud of you!

When it comes to a counselor, the first thing is to go through your insurance company or see if you company has an employee assistance plan.

Once you know you are covered then you can interview counselors, I would start by talking to your regular doctor for a referral, they may have you see a psychiatrist to be screened for depression, and then have the psych doctor refer you to a counselor they work with.

You should kind of know in your first session whether it is going to work for you or not, you should "click" with this person.

Hope this helps,

Bill

RLW

My sister continues to recover. Amen. She is in such fragile medical condition, no treatment centers or anywhere will take her. She is going home with my mother, Wednesday. I am not sure if my mother is telling me the truth but at one time they wanted to commit my sister and send her to a psychiatric hospital. Her mental state is a lot better but I am still wondering if they didn't want to accept this as a possibility.

She already has my mother convinced off all the pain she's in. No doubt that she may be, but she also has an addiction to pain killers. She already has my mother convinced that she doesn't have enough pain killers. I think she was going to a methadone clinic. What would she go to a methadone clinic for? I think she a severe addict and will do whatever it takes to get those needs met.

I went to my second Alanon meeting and it was at a different place. I couldn't even talk at this one. I just cried, then left after it was over. Not sure how helpful this was but everyone was very supportive and recommended to go to atleast 6 of them. It was also recommended that I should call one of the sponsors on the phone number sheet. What do you say to a sponsor? I am not sure why but I feel so emotionally vulnerable, to a bunch of strangers, and I know I need a sponsor but am scared to make the first call.

Where does everybody find their emotional strength? Is it okay to show everyone how emotionally vulnerable you are?

Thank You. RLW