lillamy

I haven't talked to AXH's extended family since I left. Part of it was that I've never been close with his family (neither has he), part of it was that I knew they'd try to guilt and shame me into reconciliation (they're all fundamentalist hard core Christians who would condemn me for leaving, regardless of circumstances), and part of it was that I just didn't have enough energy to face that.

And a side-effect of me leaving and not contacting them was that AXH actually turned to his family for support. For the first time ever. Reconciled with relatives he hadn't talked to for years, actually developed relationships with his family again. And, of course, told them why I left him. His version. Where I've had an ongoing affair for years and he's the victim of me being a lying ****. (And just to clarify: I did not have an affair. He had a drinking problem. But he hasn't told them about that.)

Now, they've contacted me. And I need to call them back -- it's a legal & financial issue that they involved me in back when we were married, and that I can't get out of.

Well, I *could*. I could pay my lawyer to deal with them. But that feels a bit chickensh*t. They're basically good people. Salt-of-the-earth kind of people who take trips to Honduras with Habitat for Humanity, who donate more than a tithe to charitable causes. But this was the first divorce in the family EVER. And a scandal.

It feels good that I don't immediately jump to the phone. I don't feel any obligation to have a relationship with them. But I'm worried that the guy I need to deal with on this issue will take the opportunity when he has me on the phone to lecture me about my ungodly behavior and breaking a holy promise. I am strong enough to stand up for myself and, if he goes into that, I am able to say, "The reason for our divorce is private business between me and AXH. I do not wish to discuss that, and I will hang up if you continue on this path."

I can handle it. I just don't want to. I have a big knot in my stomach about this.

wanttobehealthy

I don't think having the lawyer handle it is a chicken$h*t way to deal. But I also know that lawyers are so damned expensive and if you think you can deal with contacting his family without it throwing you into a tailspin, then it could be worth it to save you money.

As you well know, my ex in laws are nuts and I will not communicate with them about anything. It will likely cost me more money to do that (we have some financial ties to them that will have to be sorted out... money borrowed in both our names from them which funded AH's addiction instead of summer camp for the girls but that's another story) but I will not be able to contact them myself without being hurt.

Do you think you can be in contact with them and be okay? You never know what they will ask/do/say so you would have to be prepared I'd imagine to deal with them trying to tell you what you did wrong etc... Sounds tough. But raising kids on your own and paying hundreds if not thousands to a lawyer that could maybe be avoided is a strong pull too...

lillamy

Well, I think I can do it. I just have to give myself a good pep talk and set some ground rules. Maybe even with them, explicitly: That I will be happy to work with them on getting the legal/financial authorizations transferred to someone else, but I will not discuss my divorce or my relationship with AXH.

And then just make it clear to them if they bring it up that if they can't respect that boundary, I will let my lawyer take over and bill the estate.

Willybluedog

Why not send him a note:

I will be happy to speak with you about this matter but if you find the need to lecture me about my x husband our marriage and divorce, please just let me know now and I will have my attorney handle this with you, even though I would rather not have to do that.

I have found setting the terms in writing beforehand has allowed me to maintain boundaries in a civil manner.

Some of these people are so ingrained that they really believe that you need this lecture, that they are indeed saving you from yourself. I tend to really go off on these people instead of taking the high road and giving them the old southern "Bless your heart".

Hope it all works out,

Big hugs,

Bill

wicked

Bless your heart WillyDog!

Bless us all.

theuncertainty

:ghug3

m1k3

Your friend,

lillamy

Thanks. Off to make the call. Ugh.

lillamy

That was super-easy. Totally business. Thanks for holding my hand. Love you guys.

Cyranoak

Nicely done!

Willybluedog

So so glad it well

Carol Star

Man- I would have to tell them I did not have an affair- totally not fair......affair- not fair-.....ha ha.....!

mattmathews

It's amazing how much energy we spend worrying about the future, trying to predict how other people are going to behave...only to find that our fears are much worse than reality.
I spent the first two years of the current economic downturn worrying about losing my job. I never did...but oh, the energy I wasted.

lillamy

So true, Matt. My grandmother used to say when I was a teenager that "you'd better worry now, because what you're worrying about might never come true, and boy what an opportunity to make yourself miserable you would have missed!"

I wish I had listened to her better!