inpieces314

So my boyfriend is an alcoholic drug addict. I have known him for going on 6 years now, I have a 5 year old child who is not his son but he considers him to be, and we just had a baby 3 months ago. He has a lot of things going on with his ex, who is bothering him, and has a son who may or may not be his (the paternity test is on the way), and his own family uses him and steals his money and stuff and everything else. Christmas night I kicked him out of my house because he told me he was going to call social services to take the kids from me. He has been back to spend the night, but not live there, since. Supposedly he has stopped drinking and doing the pills, he says he went somewhere to detox, but I know for a fact he is still drinking, I don't think he is on the pills, because he is getting random drug tests at work because they are also onto him. He spends all of his time with everyone else, but comes to my house at 5am and sleeps in my bed and tells me he loves me and wants to have a family and everything else. I have been trying very hard to not enable him, I have just realized that is what I am doing, so I quit. For example, he is sleeping in his car now, since I kicked him out of the house, and asked him to leave his sister's house because she is harassing me both online and in real life. She also stole his credit cards and maxed them out. So he loves me but he would rather be with her all the time? Oh, and she lives next to his ex, so of course I am not liking that situation, because the ex keeps trying to get him to hook back up with her.

So last night we got in a fight because I said I can't do this anymore, I can't be your hotel (he only comes over so he doesn't have to sleep in his car) and your storage unit (because I am holding everything he owns) and your bank (he owes me 200 bucks, and paid me 40. He got paid yesterday, $1000, and it is all gone already because he gave it all to his drug dealer friends.). I have a family and I need to do what is right for my kids. He keeps complaining about me kicking him out on Christmas, and I told him, I did it because it was the right thing to do, not to make you mad, not to make me happy, but because it was right, and I refuse to feel bad about that. So now he twists it all around on me that I am crazy and he is never here and always with his sister or the ex or his drug dealer friends because I always kick him out. And I said he wouldn't know what I want. He said he is done with me, he loves me too much to continue this relationship, and I said his addictions and the people who perpetuate it are killing him. He said now the kids won't have a dad, and I said drugs killed him long ago.

I know I am making the right decision yet again. I know he is not done with me. I know that he is going to call me or want to work things out, and I know he knows I am right. But it is killing me. I want to be strong enough to say no next time he calls me at 3am to sleep in my bed. I want to be strong enough to say no next time he calls me crying because he has no money or gas or anything else. He is supposed to be supporting me and my children, and he is killing all of us. I am so lost, I know that he will probably never get better, but I can't seem to give up on him.

Everything got worse last April when he had a work related injury. It went downhill quick, but I think I still hold on because I remember him before that.

suki44883

Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds to me like he's just using you. He doesn't contribute anything and just takes advantage of your giving nature. You don't have to allow him to sleep at your place and if his only alternative is his car, then that's just too bad. So far as him staying with his sister, that's his business, not yours. If he decides to get back together with his ex, that too is his business, not yours. You can't have it both ways.

Your children deserve some stability in their lives. It doesn't sound like they have that with him coming and going all the time. They certainly don't deserve to live with an active addict. No child does.

Thumper

See you are not lost. You know where you are. It is a hard spot to be in for sure but just keep doing the next right thing and you'll get through it. The next right thing is what is best for YOU and your kids. He's an adult that will figure out his own next thing.

That is his problem. He'll figure it out once your actions match your words.

The single best thing I did for myself was go no contact. I only corresponded by email and if it was something to do with the kids. Even then I only responded if his email was free of rants, blaming, manipulation, accusations, or anything crazy.

No contact is a gift you can give yourself. No phone calls, no texts, no answering the door.

That isn't giving up on him by the way. He is just as free to make any choice he wants to make today as he was yesterday and he will be tomorrow. His path is his, not yours. Focus on yourself right now - that is a big enough job!

MyBetterWorld

Hon...would it REALLY be that bad if he hooked up with the ex? The way I see it, she would be doing you a favor!

Seriously though....it does sound like he's using you. His weak attempts at manipulation to get you back seem like they are starting to get to you. You need to focus on yourself and your kids my dear! Let go or be dragged...

Thelma

Just food for thought...if he is giving his paycheck away so fast it's because he IS using the pills and is paying for what he has had fronted to him until payday.
And because you have children I want to share this thought as well...what happens if he doesn't pay his debt and they come looking for him? Do you want that trouble brought down on you and your children in your home?
You made the right decision throwing him out. Don't give in to the guilt trip. Protect yourself and your kids.

nodaybut2day

So...how about NOT taking his calls, either at 3 a.m. or otherwise? If he wants to see the children, then you can have an agreed upon time and place where he can show up, or not, and anything else does not need to be discussed. Tell him beforehand if you want to be "fair", although considering he uses you for a warm place to sleep and money, I think it's safe to say you can throw "fair" out the window.

IMO, it's time to disentangle yourself from this...person. He brings you nothing but heartache and you have children to protect. Have you thought of attending Al-Anon?

I hope you stick around. SR is a good place to be...

inpieces314

Thanks guys. I am trying very hard to not talk to him. Alcohol may be his addiction, but I am starting to realize that maybe he is mine. I know he wants me to call him first, because I always do. Not this time. If he wants to talk to me, fine, but I will no longer tolerate using me or being with everyone else all the time or drinking anymore. If you want the family, act like it, get help, do what you gotta do, and then we will talk. It's hard now, but I really think it will get easier the longer I go without talking to him. And he knows I am right about everything I said. Every time we get into a big fight he goes off and detoxes somewhere, and that is fine, but it needs to continue. Obviously he is not strong enough to fight this addiction on his own. But that doesn't mean it's my responsibility either. I am starting to get that.

nodaybut2day

I don't know much about psychology, but from what I've been reading, it takes 66 days to form a new habit, so every time you DON'T talk to him and DON'T call him, you are helping yourself build a new, healthier pattern in your life.

Baby steps. Celebrate the small victories. One day, one hour and even one minute at a time. You'll get there.

inpieces314

Sadly, I am a psychology major, trying to be a drug and alcohol counselor. It makes it even worse that I actually KNOW what is going on in his head. I actually KNOW how addiction can grab hold of all the receptors in the brain and all that. And still, I fall for it.

Thumper

Don't feel bad. I have the actually degree in it. Paid for and signed - good grades too Psychology as well as Alcohol and Drug Abuse Studies. Totally not kidding.

Real life happens to everyone

Believe me my xah used that one against me for all it was worth.

I ended up finding another career path so no addictions counseling for me - you can all rest easy

PS: Some of the best counselors have real life experience to draw from so don't sell yourself short.

naive

mine was similar. used me for a clean place to sleep, a shower, some food, drop off some laundry and back out the door, without even contributing a pint of milk.

what helped me was the saying "stop giving him a soft place to land"

i'd look at him, all hungover and sleeping in my bed during the day and think "he's not here to see me. he's not even conscious!"

and then, my whole day was disrupted. i couldn't vaccuum because he was sleeping, i had to tip toe around. i couldn't take a bath, because he was in it. i'd have to go back out shopping, because he ate all the food.

then, once he left, it was me that had to clean up the dishes, wash the bathtub, change the towel, make the bed, empty his ashtrays...

on the other side now, it's much nicer without him here! and a lot less work!

really, you have three babies. and one is King Baby.

as for the 3am phone calls, i found if i turned off my phone at night, i would have no idea he was calling. try it!

Hopeworks

My E,S and H...

The struggle to "save" the A in my life wore me out and just pissed of the A. When I finally gave up and stopped "giving him the soft place to land" his HP had a chance to work in his life!

Long story short: A went through the stages alone (everyone got healthy and isolated him so there were NO soft places) and had the true dark night of the soul and psychic change NECESSARY for long term, life long decision backed by willingness to surrender and live a recovery lifestyle.

Fast forward... after 8 months of living apart but "dating" we are moving forward and moving back in together this weekend. King Baby is now a teenager but is diligently trying to be my soulmate... he is actually doing awesome at this and I am very happy.

However...life is uncertain and he is an alcoholic... if he drinks one drop my boundaries are alcohol free and I will go from loving spouse to dropping him on his head in the street in a nanosecond. He knows this... and it helps him stay with his lifetime commitment to sobriety and recovery.

Let go... lock the door.... and let God. If nothing else peace will reign in your life and one the brain chemistry and hormones settle down you will find serenity and happiness... and who knows... maybe your A will be one of the one percent of the one percent that actually get sober and grow up.

inpieces314

I know what needs to be done, but this no contact thing is absolutely killing me. I myself have had several problems with drugs and alcohol, I wouldn't call them addictions, because I had the presence of mind to stop before it got to that point, but it was still hard. This is a thousand times harder. I keep telling myself I am doing the right thing, everyone I talk to keeps telling me I am doing the right thing, I know I am doing the right thing, but the phone is burning a hole in my pocket. I MISS HIM SO BAD!

And the killer thing is, I bet he doesn't even care. He's out getting drunk and high and everything else and I miss him and he doesn't care. It makes me mad all over, but I know that if I give in and talk to him he is going to walk all over me again. I keep reminding myself I love him too much to watch him kill himself.

I think I found my HP yesterday, which never in my life had I believed in. And I do admit, it feels good to hand over all the responsibility to someone else, because I really am not responsible. I just hope that I can also find peace. I need it.

And you guys help immensely. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. It really makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one.

candyapple

Best of luck to you and stay strong......

alaskasunshine

You are at the right place here, lots of wisdom! My main thought is that you had a baby 3 months ago and on top of everything else he is putting you through, you might have some wild hormones going on. Don't underestimate that whole post-baby depression thing that can happen, especially when you are vulnerable like you are. Right now focus on you and your babies, your mental health, your physical health. Focus on the joys of having this beautiful new life to love and nurture. As hard as it is, make some good memories with your children while they are still little. (((hugs))))

Helenlee

I don't have a degree in anything ... but I always found that the extent to which I missed him was the extent to which I was willing to go to avoid myself. It took me a very, very long time to figure that out though. The person you ache for isn't him - how could it be a wasted, using, irresponsible bum? It's you that you long for honey, & I reckon somewhere deep down you'll recognize that truth.
This is going to be the hardest walk you've ever done in your life, but if you want to live, walk right outta there & don't look back. You can do it. One step at a time.
Peace,
Helen

naive

wow, helenlee. that might be the best post i've ever read. thank you.