feelingalone43

I have been doing a lot of reading and searching. I am married to an alcoholic. He knows he's one, doesn't want to quit completely, and makes no promises that he will continue to only have a couple of beers a day, and not get drunk sometimes.

Here's where I struggle. I have been doing a pretty good job of distancing myself from the "drunk" him. I have found ways to make me feel better about myself, and I know that I don't cause his drinking. I just wonder if deciding to stay in the marriage and detach from the alcohol part makes me weak. I find other things to do when he's drunk, and refuse to associate with him. He goes weeks on end without a binge, and we get along well.

When he does binge, I find something to do that keeps me busy and away from him until he goes to sleep. I know there will be drinking going on where is going to watch the SuperBowl, so I will stay home and watch it with my son.

Am I wrong to stay? I know it is a decision only I can make, but any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Keep in mind that there is no abuse, just that staggering, sloppy, loud, obnoxiousness that we all know and hate.

Threshold

You need to do what you need to do. If you don't want to, or feel you can't leave now, that's fine. Maybe in time you will feel differently, or situations will alter so that you feel you can leave.

You might need some support and recovery yourself before you are ready to move on or move out. That is ok. Your story is your own, and what is right for another may not be what you should do now or ever.

Please stick around, share your story, read other people's experience and get some support and ideas for how to navigate your difficult situation.

hugs

Willybluedog

I don't know if weak is the word, by staying are you enabling his behavior, maybe.

What I would recommend is that you go to the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum and do some reading, especially the stickies, but also the stories about how addiction and dysfunction our our parents affect many of us as adults.

I recently asked my dad, why did you not take us away from there?

My mother is an alcoholic, she has been for at least 40 years (I am 49), I am just now coming to terms with the destruction her drinking caused our family, if you read the characteristics of ACOA's and combine that with the high probability that your children will either become or marry an addict, it raises the stakes in your decicion to stay.

Be prepared for your children to someday ask you why you stayed and allowed them to be raised in that environment, because it does not only affect them when he is drinking.

If you would like to talk I will be glad to listen, if you need a shoulder, you can have mine.

You have some tough road to cover, best of luck to you, and big hugs.

Bill

marie1960

There was a point in my life that I "distanced myself" from XA when he was drinking. That worked for awhile. It was just a band-aid. I came to the realization that I hated feeling so alone and isolated. I hated that my world revolved around how much booze he consumed on any given day. Never knew who was going to walk thru the door Jykel or Hyde.

It was so very hard to accept that he would choose a beer or a cocktail over me. The booze would win every stinking time. Kept hoping he would get it thru his head that his actions were destroying us, needless to say, I did not understand very much about addiction, and alcoholism.

Feelingalone43, you are not weak, you are doing what we all have, simply sorting out a life, your life, that is being ruled and controlled by alcohol. May you find the answers you are searching for. In educating myself regarding this toxic disease, I was able to rescue myself from further heartache and pain caused by XA addiction.

Wishing you peace. Take care of you.

EnglishGarden

I agree with Bill that maintaining the status quo for an alcoholic is a form of enabling. Alcoholics want the wife and the home environment to accommodate their drinking, and as long as they get what they want in that regard, they have no motivation to change their behavior and the disease is well-fed and continues to progress to their death.

So he will be going to watch the Super Bowl elsewhere? And driving home drunk? How do you feel about that? How do you feel about making a drunk driver comfortable in his home so you can stay married to him?

And how do you feel when he's staggering and obnoxious and alienating? Do you feel sick inside? Are you swallowing back rage? Are you nervous, depressed?

If so, how do you think your son feels inside?

And how long do such feelings continue before they cause chronic anxiety and deep depression which in turn could lead your son to reach for alcohol as soon as he's old enough to obtain it?

There are few people who can maintain mental and emotional health living with an alcoholic, and the few who can become almost round-the-clock Al-Anoners.

But with an alcoholic, crisis is always around the corner. Peaceful periods cannot be trusted. There is a deep dread in everyday life. Heartbreaking loneliness. And damage to the child who lives in such a home.

At minimum attend Al-Anon. At best, combine Al-Anon and therapy.

The disease feels right at home in your house. You can change that.

marie1960

EnglishGarden, What an eye opening, astounding post.

Wish I could have read these words 8 or 9 months ago.

Clarity has been spoken. Thanks a million.

lillamy

Who cares what it "makes you"?
The question is -- is this what you want from your life?

And I second Bill's post. Forget about you for a moment. Learn about how living with an alcoholic parent affects children. I wish I had.

TakingCharge999

Self injury is abuse.
Continuing his addiction and abandoning his wife and his son is abuse.
Abuse takes many forms and it is not only physical.
I am glad you are here in SR! I agree, for you to visit the ACOA forum, and learn as much as you can about alcoholism.

I find this article useful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

And these slides mention abuse involves:

Power and Control Tactics

Emotional abuse
Economic abuse
Isolation
Minimizing, denying, blaming
Coercion, threats, intimidation
Encouraging drug dependence
Constant threat of violence, “or else…"

DomesticViolenceSlides


Check out the Sticky section on top of the forum, "Classic reading" has many useful articles & info about this. I am sorry you are going through this but glad you are seeking help.

feelingalone43

Thank you all for taking the time to write. You have all given me a lot to think about. I am definitely making progress on my own recovery. There is a new calmness in me that hasn't been here for a while. I don't have all the answers, and probably never will, but I do have some healthy ways of coping now.

Just to set something straight, though, he will not be driving the night of the SuperBowl. He will be staying there.

naive

hi feelingalone-

staying doesn't make you weak...

but could very well make you emotionally sick...
it could cause depression...
it could cause low self esteem...
it could cause anxiety...

and all of these things together, could render you in a situation where it becomes more and more difficult to act to save yourself...

the fact that he has temporarily cut down does not mean he will not return to full blown drinking...alcoholism is progressive...it gets worse...

for myself, i don't want a partner i have to distance myself from....i don't want to practice detachment from my partner...honestly, what kind of relationship is that?

you deserve a peaceful home. you have two homes. why not move into the other home for a while? you could just say that you feel depressed and need your own space...

my feeling (from experience) is that once i got some space from my alcholic, i could begin to clearly see how his drinking had seeped into every aspect of my life.

why not give yourself a gift? a gift of some space...

and then he can drink all he wants...you'll quickly see where that goes...

best wishes to you,
naive

fourmaggie

are you in AL ANON..this will help you...find a meeting and go..please take at least 6 meetings and find one you are comfortable with.

dancingnow

Dear FA, you are not alone. Thanks for posting and sharing your feelings. The decisions I make today about events surrounding the Super Bowl aren't decisions I make for my whole marriage.

My kids are choosing to go to my RAH apartment to watch the Super Bowl. As far as I know there will be no drinking. He invited me to come and I declined. I am not comfortable enough in my own recovery or where he is at in recovery to go over and watch the Super Bowl when I can be comfortable in my home "watching" it with a friend.

One day at a time and today just happens to include the Super Bowl and all the A activities that are sometimes packaged with it.

Not supporting anything but at least your AH has the common sense to stay over and not drink and drive.

It sounds like you don't condone irresponsible drinking, and that is why you are not going with him or asking him to stay home with you. That sounds like a strong and courageous choice to me. Enjoy watching the Super Bowl with your son today.

Hugs to you.

feelingalone43

Naive,

I have considered having us live in separate houses, but one of the homes is way out of my childrens' school district, and also too far for him to live there and drive back and forth to work.

For now, he goes to that other house on weekends, and I stay "home" because I know that he will be drinking more there. I enjoy my time at home. I can usually tell if he calls me in the evenings what kind of day he's had, and am glad I stayed behind.

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.