Back at it again - Feeling positive this time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 92
Back at it again - Feeling positive this time
Well, I am back. It has been a really rocky road for my recovery since I was active here in August. I have been drinking on and off since I tried to quit. A classic "I can do it on my own" story. When I did drink all I could do is think about stopping, then when I stopped for a few days I forgot about what I told myself I need to do, which is stop drinking, and when things normalized and I felt like life was fine, cravings kicked in, I picked up a drink again on the weekend. The whole cycle.
I did mess up an important relationship. Although I wasn't thinking about things straight then (September) I was completely lost, didn't know how to keep things in control or be honest about what I was going through with my girl; I was lying to myself and keeping other lies in check about drinking; just messed up a good thing. I do miss her, but I know I deserve it, and know she is better off without me. She just wasn't ready to deal with these problems; and I realize why - she saw the problem but I kept saying there wasn't one even though I know I did realize things weren't right (I came here for help right, we can make ourselves so blind to reality). I do need to deal with myself right now. Other than that I have kept my life in balance. Work, friends, family, etc. Behind closed doors is where I did the damage (lying, trust).
Anyway. I have made the decision to step into AA and ask for help. I want to have taken my last drink. I want to stop for good. This cycle has to end. I went to what was going to be my first meeting tonight, the 6pm, and no one showed up to the location. I know I had the right address. I waited a full half hour. So, I checked the schedule and see that there is an 8pm tomorrow for newcomers at a different location, and I will be going to that. Been listening to some speaker tapes. I am so impressed with what AA and following a program has done for lives that sound a lot like mine. I can't wait to move farther into sobriety and just get my life back. Be able to have an honest and open relationship. I feel so empowered to work the steps. I need to rediscover myself and be honest with me and everyone else. I think that can happen if I remove the one thing that holds me back in life. I am staying positive. I do not feel depressed. I just can't rationalize things any longer. Thank you for listening.
I did mess up an important relationship. Although I wasn't thinking about things straight then (September) I was completely lost, didn't know how to keep things in control or be honest about what I was going through with my girl; I was lying to myself and keeping other lies in check about drinking; just messed up a good thing. I do miss her, but I know I deserve it, and know she is better off without me. She just wasn't ready to deal with these problems; and I realize why - she saw the problem but I kept saying there wasn't one even though I know I did realize things weren't right (I came here for help right, we can make ourselves so blind to reality). I do need to deal with myself right now. Other than that I have kept my life in balance. Work, friends, family, etc. Behind closed doors is where I did the damage (lying, trust).
Anyway. I have made the decision to step into AA and ask for help. I want to have taken my last drink. I want to stop for good. This cycle has to end. I went to what was going to be my first meeting tonight, the 6pm, and no one showed up to the location. I know I had the right address. I waited a full half hour. So, I checked the schedule and see that there is an 8pm tomorrow for newcomers at a different location, and I will be going to that. Been listening to some speaker tapes. I am so impressed with what AA and following a program has done for lives that sound a lot like mine. I can't wait to move farther into sobriety and just get my life back. Be able to have an honest and open relationship. I feel so empowered to work the steps. I need to rediscover myself and be honest with me and everyone else. I think that can happen if I remove the one thing that holds me back in life. I am staying positive. I do not feel depressed. I just can't rationalize things any longer. Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Hey man, welcome back -- and I'm right there with you. This isn't easy. I'm sorry to hear about the girl but glad you tried to go to the meeting today. If you do one thing tomorrow, go again to the 8 pm. We can do this, one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
It might sound funny, but showing up and waiting at what turned out to be a closed meeting counts for a lot. Well done on that.
Make a point to get there early tonight, shake some hands and let them know you're new. Enjoy.
Make a point to get there early tonight, shake some hands and let them know you're new. Enjoy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by 2bstrong 
Anyway. I have made the decision to step into AA and ask for help. I want to have taken my last drink. I want to stop for good. This cycle has to end.
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