learningtofly

After finding out about my AH's addiction and feeling as low as low can get. I met a man and had an affair. I had an affair that lasted about a year. I loved this man and thought about a future with him.

I decided to end the affair and work on myself and my marriage.

The other man struggled with depression when his grandmother drowned in a lake right outside of their house. He was very close to her. She had alzheimer’s and he was at the house that night watching her. It was in the middle of the night and they were all sleeping when for some reason she woke up and went down to the lake. He found her the next morning and has always blamed himself for it. When that happened he became very depressed. I met him about a year or two after this happened.

So today I receive a text message from him that says he loves me and can't live without me. That I brought joy to his life and made him happy again. Now he doesn't have anything to look forward to and he says he wants to take his life. He told me that he is going to be moving in the next month and if he doesn't hear from me before a month that I should check the paper for the death report.

I have never been in this situation before. I have no idea what I should do. I know I can't save him, but I can't stand the thought of him taking his life and he had told me he was going to do it. What if he really does? I want to say he is just being dramatic and he is lonely and just trying to get me engaged in conversation, but I don't know.

I'm scared and I need advice!

outtolunch

Yeesh. Really, really sick, selfish and manipulative talk on his part.


The only thing you control is your reaction. If you are concerned , call 911.

bonsoireveryone

This is emotional blackmail. My advice would be to not answer his message and block him from contacting you. What he is doing is sick, sick, sick.

suki44883

What a cruel thing for him to do. It's nothing but manipulation. I wouldn't respond at all and would block him from calling or texting. What a jerk.

learningtofly

I agree it is sick and I am not responding to him, but at the same time I am worried. He doesn't have any real close friends, but he does have a roommate and one friend that he does hang out with on occasion. I was thinking about letting them know about this and maybe they could try and keep an eye on him, get him out of the house and try and cheer him up.

I hate to bring anyone else into this but I'm just not sure what to do.

I don't want to shake my recovery, but at the same time I don't know what to do.

Fandy

count yourself lucky. He's not stable. If someone really cares about you they do not play you with this type of "threat". He needs to be happy with himself before interacting and dating.

he's playing that guilt card and will do it again if you let him.

suki44883

That is the exact reason why he did this. He knows you will worry. That isn't love, that is manipulation and selfishness. Again, what a jerk.

bonsoireveryone

He told you to check the papers for a death report if you don't hear from him within a month? Oh my goodness; he is attempting to control you by trying to force his way into your mind. Don't allow him to do this to you.

outtolunch

Well, no wonder he does not have any close friends.
The whole intent is to manipulate you to focus on him and feel responsible for his outcome. This is really sick stuff.

zoso77

Yes, it is scary.

I'm going to take a slightly different angle on this. I believe he's in pain, yes. And I imagine all of us, when we're in a lot of pain, don't want to feel what we're feeling. Therefore, we wish we were dead. So, his suffering is real. His pain is real.

That being said, do not under any circumstances allow him to hold you hostage. Because he is trying to manipulate you, and it's very transparent.

If you truly fear for his safety, call 911. In the meantime, protect yourself.

ZoSo

outtolunch

"Wishing we were dead" seems an immature and extreme reaction to the emotional pain of lonliness.

Attempting to engage someone through manipulation is also an extreme reaction.

Engaging in toxic relationships to attempt to cure lonliness is rather common.

zoso77

I believe, under the right circumstances, emotional pain can lead us to think of "extreme" solutions. I also believe this person's behavior is manipulative and said so. My AXGF played that card a lot.

learningtofly

I can see that he is manipulative and I can see that he is sick. I am trying my hardest to not get too emotionally involved, but I am still worried.

Should I let his roommate/friend or brother know about this? I think it would ease my mind to know that I was not the only person that knew he was in this state. I believe people in depression and who are talking about suicide could be helped by having someone to talk to and being encouraged to seek help.

I just don't feel right about doing nothing. I don't know am I off here?

Fandy

why don't you report this to the local police. Let the professionals handle it. Then you've have done the best you can by letting somone with psycho. wisdom handle his depression.

and I will bet you he won't make this kind of statement to you again. and might just leave you alone. (and that is what you want, right)?

KelleyF

Karrie,

I agree with Zoso... His pain is most likely real, but that doesn't mean he is not trying to manipulate you. No one on this forum really knows if he is truly depressed and suicidal. Personally, I don't think it is something to take lightly.
I would distance myself due to your own situation, but I would not feel guilty for contacting a reliable friend of his; just to make them aware. To me that shows compassion not codependency.

outtolunch

Making contact with his friend or brother keeps you emeshed in this drama.

I can apreciate your worry. Call 911 and let those trained to respond to crisis, do so.

Charon

Were it me I would turn it over to his roomate, friends and his brother. It's not something to ignore (just in case). Keep in mind that real suicides don't talk about it, put conditions on it and give a deadline. They just do the deed and succeed at it. They dont whine or try and fail. They just do it. In any event IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Pass it on.

I wouldn't call 911 because there is no imminant threat - wait a month? Don't get sucked in - get angry not worried. If you don't cave in he will try to work his manipulation on the next person down the line. You need to hit the ground running!

zoso77

IMO, the best solution is, if he's expressed a plan and a date, call the police or 911, and they'll take him to a hospital for evaluation.

suki44883

It is not your problem and it is not his friends' problem. It's HIS problem. Why would you dump it in their laps? They can't help him any more than you can. You can't help him because he's just trying to get a reaction out of you. I don't believe this guy has any intention of killing himself, but, as I always say, take all threats like this seriously. Call 911 if you know where he is, then stay out of it.

Hanna

Call the police non-emergency number right away (not 911 since the threat is not imminent.) Ask to have someone come by so you can show them the message and file a report.

Then block him.

If something happens you will have done all that you could do. But you need to cut communication with this man. He needs serious help.