Ryegrizzle

Hello all my name is Ryan and I'm new to SR. I am 29 years old and have a beautiful wife and family. Ilook back now and realize I've always had something in my life I was addicted to at some point or another, whether it was cigarettes or booze or Meth or coke. I would jump from one habit to the next thinking I was tackling these addictions one by one. I didn't ever want to take pills BC I had a friends mom die when I was young from painkillers so I wouldn't take them I even looked down on my friends that did. It wasn't til 2 years ago Nov20 2009 when my world got flipped upside down. Igot in an accident driving drunk.I hurt my friend and also broke my back in 3 places. I tried to recover with little pain medication. It was impossible I hurt every time I moved. I started taking lortabs to ease the pain and with my past history of addiction and abuse my tolerance for any drug was like out of this world. So I was at. A friends one night and he asked if I needed a roxi. I said sure maybe it will help I took a 15 mg and got so sick I puked. But after I didn't feel my back pain so I went to my Dr and told him I found something that helped. He gave me 6 30mg per day I was so happy. That was 2 years ago and I've never in my life had something have complete control over me like this. I didn't tell my family for a long time and most of my friends don't know. I've spent everything I have earned in the last few years on them. I still go to the Dr every 6 weeks and I run out of medicine by week 4. I only get 5 1/2 prescribed to me now BC my Dr. Wanted to see ssome progress I am at a point in my life where I can't do anything without my medicine I know its inevitable eventually I will have to quit. I am so scared of that day. I recently told my wife how bad I have gotten she thought I was only taking lortabs. She researched the drug and sobbed as she read the results. I am currently thinking of tapering down but I love my pills so much I hate that it controls every aspect of my life and I fear the day my kids understand what their dad is going thru. I sit here in my thoughts and can only think about how can I get another pill. I don't wanna die from this disease but I can certainly tell its taking its toll on me. I also coach baseball and I have been struggling when we travel BC I don't have the access to my meds. I told my dad I have a problem and he said he's been knowing and waiting for me to come to him. I love my family and my baseball so dearly and they are getting farther and farther away. I dread my wife leaving me but how much can she take I can't work and I spend all our money on drug's I feel so lost right now but it did help reading other stories and knowing I'm not alone in this, pray for me I see no end in sight

Anna

Hi and Welcome!

I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad that you know it's time to do something to change things. I wonder if you have a Pain Clinic in your city where you could advice on different medication or alternative treatments for your pain? Or have you asked your dr if there is something non-narcotic that might work for you?

I know you will find lots of support here.

Ryegrizzle

Thanks I'm glad I'm not alone with these thoughts anymore. And yea I do believe a change will happen eventually. I just don't know how to be me without my meds. I'm reading a lot on this and it will be the hardest thing I've ever done

smartblonde

sending prayers your way!

sissy07

Ryegrizzle,

I read your post with a heavy heart. You sound like such a good guy - just addicted to those blasted pills. I broke my back in a car accident 15 years ago and, being the addict that I am, got totally addicted to powerful pain pills. Scary, scary stuff.

Please go to an addiction counselor or professional pain clinic. I don't think you can do this by yourself. Well, maybe you could, but it would be the hard way to go and not safe.

Please do something right away - you have so much to lose. You can do it. Love and positive energy being sent to you.

Ryegrizzle

Thanks to all of u guys, its good to get it out there and admit defeat and to know I have to break the cycle. I'm preparing myself for this upcoming battle that may take me years to defeat. This demon inside me that always needs more and more has taken so much and will keep taking until there is nothing left. I feel very lost and am looking fwd to giving this a true shot

Hevyn

Ryan - Be proud of yourself for facing up to this & not letting yourself be destroyed. You have everything going for you - a whole lifetime lies ahead. I know you can kick this junk out of your life & find yourself again.

I like Anna's idea about pain management or a pain clinic. Are you still in pain from the accident?

I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll find the support & encouragement will lessen your anxiety.

tanja

Welcome Ryan,

Your not alone. We have all gone through the hell of addiction. Believe in yourself and recognize that you are far stronger than you realize. Sending love and prayers to you in abundance

Dee74

Welcome Ryan

You;re definitely not alone - most of us wondered how we'd live without our drug of choice - but there's hundreds of successes here for inspiration.

I really believe action is the key - it's a big step to reach out and ask for help - whether it's a Dr or a recovery group or whatever - but it's the first step to getting back to being the husband and father you want to be

do it, man

D

Ryegrizzle

I do still have pains throughout my back and neck. To the point that some days I can hardly get up by myself...but with that said I have my good days to where I am mobile and doing stuff for the baseball team but I am starting to feel I can't get moving and do things unless I'm on meds. I just hate having to depend on a pill to have a "good day". Its got me to the point I have to depend on it just to get out of bed. I've never felt like I have no control over what I do or need, but with this I feel if I don't have it I wont be able to be happy and pain free. I'm a slave to it, i am so scared that I will not be able to get my life back without it being there

Ryegrizzle

But I definitely know its killing me and its got to go eventually

sissy07

Please get help right away, please. You don't have to live this way, you really don't.

2granddaughters

Have you gone to any NA or AA meetings ?

artsoul

Welcome Rye -

I remember how scared I was to even think about giving up alcohol, like my life would be over...... That was the addiction and fear talking, though, and I'm amazed at how much better my life is today without it.

I'm glad you're reaching out for help - none of us can do this on our own. Keep reading and posting!

Purplecatlover

Prayers for you. I too have been addicted to something or other since I was a teen. But you can do this. Half the battle is mental. Convincing yourself, YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT IT! You will get past it. You can survive. Admitting addiction is the beginning, reaching out, & using whatever resources you can. It is a battle of life & death. You have to choose life & fight with all your might. I have to tell myself everyday I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get better. You deserve peace & happiness without a drug. Keep coming back.

Ryegrizzle

I went to rehab when I first got married 8 yrs ago for cocaine and I made promises about coke that i never broke again. My wonderful wife said never again can I put her through this. I stayed clean from everything for about 5 -6 yrs other than smoking Pot. I never touched coke again. Then came along my accident. And with all the things I've done and seen I thought no way will I get hooked on oxy ill only use it for a little while until I get back on my feet and I don't hurt, that was 2 yrs ago this month when I switched from lortab to oxy and now I'm in a worse situation than ever before and. Before I got hurt. I had every intention of doing great drug free forever just like I promised my love. I have 3 great kids a wonderful wife and I also carry this burden, I don't know whatis gonna happen now but once again I'm in a situation where I honestly don't know what will happen. When I was in rehab before I didn't wd I just got in trouble and made some changes and promises to save my family. This is different this time, I honestly can't promise this time BC I don't think I can drop it with ease this time and I don't wanna go all out and make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. I may lose everything BC I don't even remember how to function happily without oxy

Dee74

We also have a substance abuse forum Ryan - I encourage you to read & post down there too - you'll find more people who are trying to, or have managed to kick oxy

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

jocata

Ryan I'm here to tell you that you can do this. I was addicted to oxys for over a year. I would get sixty 40mg tabs every month from my oncologist and I would always run out about a week early. He was also prescribing me 100 loratabs along with that. When the oxys ran out for the month, I would switch over to the lorotabs until I could get my refill on the oxys. The docs finally realized I was abusing them and cut me off.

The first few days were very rough. But I did it, and so can you. I did it at home by myself, but if I had to do it over again, I would probably have gone to the doc. for help.

You have to take a leaf of faith man. You know you can't keep taking them. The longer you keep going, the harder it's going to be to stop.

And yes, you can have a great life without them. It won;t seem like it at first, but once you get over that hump, it will start to get better.


Make that decision to stop and don't look back.

God bless.

Ryegrizzle

U guys are very nice people, I am gonna try to thrive off of this positive energy and I will take a step back and reevaluate my current situation. I'm not making any promises this time but I am gonna see what I can endure.. I go to my Dr Friday and I wanna start getting less meds and more injections. We will see how this goes. One day at a time.

Hevyn

Please let us know how it goes, Ryan. We care.