choublak

For example, how does someone who has alcoholic loved ones, and a member of Al-Anon, later on become an alcoholic themselves? Wouldn't they know to stay away from it, or something?

I asked that question and got scolded with, "you don't get it".

OneSpark

There are no set molds or requirements, alcoholism can happen to anybody.

choublak

Even if you choose not to drink, ever?

OneSpark

Are you talking about yourself or someone you know? I need a little more information to be able to answer you.

choublak

Hypothetically speaking.

You, or me, or anyone, has a friend or relative who is an alcoholic. We see what they go through, etc.

I'm wondering why the hypothetical person wouldn't think, "wow, I'm never drinking that stuff".

suki44883

Maybe because not everyone they know goes through all that stuff. Most people can handle alcohol responsibly. We humans have a habit of thinking the worst things won't happen to us. It always happens to someone else. That, and most people start drinking when they are quite young because everyone they know is drinking, so it just seems like the thing to do. Again, most people can drink moderately, but one never knows if one is an alcoholic unless one drinks.

OneSpark

I don't think people can foresee that they'll have a problem with alcohol, especially the first few times they do it. Even if they grew up with alocholic relatives, they still might think that they'll be different, that they'll be able to control their drinking. Then a couple of years slip by, and those weekend drinks become daily drinks, and the six-pack a day becomes a twelve-pack a day.

I guess what I'm saying is that nobody plans to be an alcoholic. Why would they? It's such a horrid condition. But no one plans on being fat either, yet it happens all the time.

The future's not ours to see, bud. I'll stick by my original statement: it can happen to anybody.

wicked

I am a recovering alcoholic, and I wonder why you would feel guilty and who is telling you "you just don't get it."
My father was an alcoholic, when I was pretty young (about 10 or so), i told myself I would never be like him!
In high school, I started to drink and abuse alcohol, and lost contact with my father.
The one time I saw him in a hospital (alcohol induced grand mal seizure while he was driving) I told myself "At least I am not like him!" :rotfxko
I am not that bad yet! Stupid.
I think it starts with good intentions, but if you have the tendency to be an alcoholic, once you are dependent on a substance to be NORMAL then it is just denial.
My denial was learned early at my mothers knee.

Beth

Just my opinion.

suki44883

Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong just because you don't understand how the alcoholic mind works. Don't feel guilty. You don't deserve it.

choublak

Bud? I'm female, first of all, and I wasn't trying to "see into the future". I have drank in the past, but honestly I never liked nor acquired the taste of alcohol, particularly beer.

mattparadise

You will hear a lot of stupid answers at meetings.

NeverQuit

Choublak: You could also ask "Why do children of alcoholics marry alcoholics?" Although that is, I believe more of a ACOA forum issue.

But we think that we can handle alcohol in a more responsible way than our parent or loved one. We might actually want to prove it to ourselves that we can keep our drinking under control. Some can, some cannot and the difference is not always our choice.

I recommend reading UNDER THE INFLUENCE by Dr. James Milam and Katherine Ketcham for their insight as to why some people are predisposed to be alcoholics and some are not. They claim that alcoholism is a disease with real changes in the drinkers physiology that the drinker has no control over.

My thanks to the forum posters who have recommended this book in the past. I found a copy and now I have a clearer understanding of my alcoholic's life.

choublak

I read a post somewhere in the alcoholism forum where someone was saying that they found Al-Anon useful when dealing with loved ones in addiction, and that it was years before their own drinking slid them into alcoholism.

Why drink for all those years then?

I apologize if I'm not being clear or concise...

Willybluedog

I can tell you for myself, I could have easily fallen into the trap.

My mother was an alcoholic from the time I was very young, if she was drinking then she was verbally abusive, she was occasionally physically abusive, my father was brutal, he beat me and kicked me on a regular basis, I was called so many names that I cannot remember them all.

My therapist said "your father treated you like a dog" I said "no, because if you beat a dog it won't hunt for you, so he never beat the dog".

I was sexually abused by a stranger at age 8, a kid 10 houses up from me was kidnapped and brutally murdered on the way home from school when I was in 3rd grade, I still had to walk to school by myself everyday, terrified I would be the next victim.

I know drinking killed the pain because I watched mom do it every night.

Who cares about the downside when you hurt so bad all the time, it's not really a downside if it takes your pain away for a few hours is it!

So you can wonder why people do it, but unless you know their whole story then you will never understand why they might be alcoholics or drug addicts.

NYCDoglvr

It means you're ALSO an alcoholic, you have your own disease. I've heard sober people say they started at Al-anon and wound up in AA.

FindingJoy

Willy you make such an important point. Everyone has a story so asking Why or How about someone other than ourselves really doesn't matter and won't change anything. As a Codie I can remember when I was 5 asking my self and God why is my mom so mean sometimes? What did I do wrong? What can I do better? Fast forward 28 years and I was asking the same question about my ExAB both before and after he stopped drinking. Asking why and even knowing why wouldn't make him change his life to this day. HOWEVER asking my self why, how, when, and what allows me to take my own inventory to grow and change into a healthier and happier version of my self.

Bottom line we will never know the WHY in others in fact they probably don't know either. Even if we did it wouldn't change their behavior one bit.

LifeRecovery

I today do not struggle with drugs nor alcohol (and never have).

I have struggled with food since I was at least six.

For me food and strange behavior around food was a way to numb out and escape. Another way I attempted to not deal with reality was to try and be so rigid that nothing would ever go "wrong." It might have been a conscious decision at the time to use food, but honestly I think it was the only thing that made me feel better in the moment. Thirty years later and I am still working on putting the pieces back together.

I drink on occasion (1-2 drinks every few months), but only once have I thought I was using it as a way to escape....and I immediately told my therapist. I purposely avoided alcohol for some time after that, and still do in stressful times.

Food though is hard for me during stressful times. It is my fall back in a way that alcohol is not.

I don't wonder about understanding the desire for a substance, but sometimes I do get curious why some of us use alcohol to numb, some food, some drugs and some something else that it would never occur to me would be self-soothing in any way but it is to someone else. When I think more about hte driving force behind the behavior and less about hte behavior itself I can appreciate how human we all are.

choublak

Well, I'm out of my little funk I was in previously. Thanks for all the insight.