Is it over?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 13
Is it over?
I've been on these forums since this past May and have posted several threads and comments. Quick run down: I'm 28, my AW is 30, no kids, I moved out of the house this past October, we went no contact for a while, AW says she has been working the rational recovery program and has been sober for 3 months. We were doing counseling together and I have been going to counseling for myself since May. Admittedly, things have kind of stalled out. We haven't been to counseling for about three weeks and have just been "dating." Today AW told me that it was time to "**** or get off the pot" meaning that she was giving me the ultimatum of moving back into the house or divorce. Thoughts on this please?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Oh boy. Interesting that an A is giving an ultimatum considering how well they respond to those threats!
What is your gut telling you? Not your head not your heart but your gut.
We tend to make excuses when we don't want to accept what our gut is telling us...like "well she has been working hard and things have gotten better so maybe I should give this another try" or "well if I don't move back in I'll lose her and I don't want to be alone so what's the worst that can happen?"
Is your AW wanting this for you or for her? Keep in mind a key trait of an addict is selfishness whether they are in recovery or not.
What is your gut telling you? Not your head not your heart but your gut.
We tend to make excuses when we don't want to accept what our gut is telling us...like "well she has been working hard and things have gotten better so maybe I should give this another try" or "well if I don't move back in I'll lose her and I don't want to be alone so what's the worst that can happen?"
Is your AW wanting this for you or for her? Keep in mind a key trait of an addict is selfishness whether they are in recovery or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 13
I would assume that she is doing this for herself as I'm not ready to move back in to the home yet but I can't say that I'm ready for divorce either. My gut tells me that if I move back in now, it will end in divorce anyway. My head tells me to run the other way. My heart tells me to go back home and everything will be fine. My gut says it's too soon to move back home. I'm just at a loss as I'm not ready for either one of those options.
Sigh... I wish I had good advice. What do you FEEL right now about this? Does your gut, before you self edit or think "should I think or feel this?" tell you anything?
My reaction to your AW's ultimatum is based on my experience with my AH. When he pulled this I chose move back in (more than once). Then the "efforts" stopped. No AA, drinking in moderation allegedly, instantly back to verbal abuse crap. And when I said no (which has been the more recent answer), that too was an excuse for him to drown himself further in his addiction.
My gut (and I don't know you or she) is that if she is focussing on making ultimatums, I have to wonder how hard she is working on any kind of program for herself. That behavior doesn't really seem compatible with a program of recovery. It seems selfish and demanding; both very familiar traits in A's (and in plenty of non A's too!)
What do you want?
My reaction to your AW's ultimatum is based on my experience with my AH. When he pulled this I chose move back in (more than once). Then the "efforts" stopped. No AA, drinking in moderation allegedly, instantly back to verbal abuse crap. And when I said no (which has been the more recent answer), that too was an excuse for him to drown himself further in his addiction.
My gut (and I don't know you or she) is that if she is focussing on making ultimatums, I have to wonder how hard she is working on any kind of program for herself. That behavior doesn't really seem compatible with a program of recovery. It seems selfish and demanding; both very familiar traits in A's (and in plenty of non A's too!)
What do you want?
With XAH, after I left him, ultimatums came after he'd already tried the promises route (I'll go to AA, I'll see a counselor... quack, quack, quack) and I didn't come back. And he got much more insistent when he was mightily tired of handling all the details of daily life: it's so much easier for him to drink when some one else is making sure his rent is paid because the roof over his head is over that person's head too. And heck, that frees up the entire paycheck for alcohol or drugs, because he knows who ever he's living with will get hungry and scrape up cash to buy food, to pay the heat or electric bill...
Another interesting note: XAH never followed through on his ultimatums, because they were bluffs. If he had followed through on them, he'd have completely lost a potential enabler. Granted, he found some one else to play my role, but he still tries to keep that door open just a crack so when this GF gets rid of him, MAYBE he will have some where else to go.
Another interesting note: XAH never followed through on his ultimatums, because they were bluffs. If he had followed through on them, he'd have completely lost a potential enabler. Granted, he found some one else to play my role, but he still tries to keep that door open just a crack so when this GF gets rid of him, MAYBE he will have some where else to go.
XAH never followed through on his ultimatums, because they were bluffs.
I've had situations where AXH has said "do as I say or I'll take you to court" or "do as I say or I'll call the cops" and I've just responded with, "I've just consulted my attorney, and he says 'go ahead, make my day.'"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 13
Thanks for all of the quick responses. I guess it just really comes down to what I WANT and what I NEED. I'm not ready yet. This is probably the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. My personality just won't let me hurt people and this has been a huge struggle. I don't think that it's fair for her to be drunk for 6-7 years and then give me only 3 months to heal and figure this out. Thanks again for all of the responses.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I seriously doubt that after 6 or 7 years of drinking that she has healed enough in only three months of being sober to be able to have a normal relationship yet. Three months is not a whole lot of time in recovery to think everything is fine now and go back to the way it was. I would be really cautious in entertaining the idea of moving back in.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Wow...so she thinks it's okay to give YOU ultimatiums but I bet she wouldn't accept that from her....no A likes to be told what to do...even when it's for their own good.
I am thinking that this may be the best thing that's ever happened thus far. She is giving you an out!!! Do you kjnow how many of us wish ours would do that? Many of us have lived this for YEARS and YEARS... many of us have A in 'recovery' who still treat us the same as they did...but they aren't drinking so it's supposed to be ok.
I say take the oppty to run like the wind. Don't stop. Don't pass go...but collect the prize...serenity in your life!!!
I am thinking that this may be the best thing that's ever happened thus far. She is giving you an out!!! Do you kjnow how many of us wish ours would do that? Many of us have lived this for YEARS and YEARS... many of us have A in 'recovery' who still treat us the same as they did...but they aren't drinking so it's supposed to be ok.
I say take the oppty to run like the wind. Don't stop. Don't pass go...but collect the prize...serenity in your life!!!
Please remember that her ultimatums (which looks more like a threat from where I sit) are not your choices. Your choice is whether or not to move back home. You make this choice based on what is best for you at the moment. You actually sound pretty clear on what you think that is. Just do the next right thing and trust that a series of those 'next right things' will lead you to where you need to be.
If she decides to file for divorce if you don't move back home that is a choice she is making, not you. You don't really have control over that, sad but true. There is a good chance she is bluffing and if she isn't - an even better chance that things will not go well if you move back home because that kind of arm twisting doesn't bode will for a good relationship.
3mos is drop in the bucket. Things are probably getting hard for her recovery wise and she wants you to do something to save her. We all know it doesn't work that way. That is my armchair analysis, which isn't worth much by the way.
If she decides to file for divorce if you don't move back home that is a choice she is making, not you. You don't really have control over that, sad but true. There is a good chance she is bluffing and if she isn't - an even better chance that things will not go well if you move back home because that kind of arm twisting doesn't bode will for a good relationship.
3mos is drop in the bucket. Things are probably getting hard for her recovery wise and she wants you to do something to save her. We all know it doesn't work that way. That is my armchair analysis, which isn't worth much by the way.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
from my point of view, divorce wouldn't be a bad option. we all know there is a high chance of relapse, just because she says she's sober 3 months doesn't mean she is, and i don't know what kind of recovery she is working where she would be disrespectful of your need for space.
if you need more time and space, you need more time and space.
perhaps try explaining to her, just as you've explained to us, that you're not ready.
if she wants to divorce you, it might be a blessing.
you know, you can still see each other if you divorce! it just means you aren't financially, legally tied to her. which in the case of a recovering alcoholic, is a good thing!
if you need more time and space, you need more time and space.
perhaps try explaining to her, just as you've explained to us, that you're not ready.
if she wants to divorce you, it might be a blessing.
you know, you can still see each other if you divorce! it just means you aren't financially, legally tied to her. which in the case of a recovering alcoholic, is a good thing!
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