Milly39

So the idea was new years eve we would go out for an early dinner - just the four of us - for the kids, a family evening.
He bails in the afternoon and says he can't make it - will spend his first ever new years eve on his own, his own fault etc, etc
Fine - so me and the boys get take out and bring it home, are settling down to ea and he arrives to the house - says " happy new year " to the boys and leaves after 5 mins.
Today he was supposed to come out for dinner, spend new years day with the boys...again another no show...WTF !!!

Am not surprised by any of this SELFISH behaviour...so why the heck am I so annoyed. The boys haven't seen him since the day after cmas, except for 5mins.
I am so sick of the"poor me" crap...and it's made me into a demon today.
I thought when he left it would be less stressful.
I feel like any progress i have made is forgotten.
Am deflated today but should be focusing my energy on the fact that today in a news year, a fresh start...but ITS SO HARD.

M.

suki44883

My two cents: You're angry because of what he is doing to your children. I don't blame you. You may have realized that the two of you aren't going to be together, but he is still their father and he's being a totally selfish ASS. Your kids don't deserve that, so I believe that is why you are angry.

Milly39

JDS - I think thats part of my problem, expectations.
Why sould I expect anything from an A who only wants to drink???
I guess I am mad at myself for even contemplating the possibility that he will step up to the plate.
I live and learn.....

Pelican

I suggest putting a stop to the unannounced drop in. It is no longer his primary residence, right? This is your home, yes?

I also suggest a schedule of when he is to spend time with his sons. Cut out all the day-to-day brief visits. It is setting everyone up for disappointment when the alcoholic is a no-show.

example: The A can visit with the boys on Saturday. Sunday is your day. If he bails on his day - too bad. (I also found it necessary to have a back-up plan if the A bails)

Milly39

Suki - you are right - I mad with him because of his behaviour towards the boys.
They don't understand why Dad doesn't want to come see them...and I think the older one even thinks that I am stopping him coming for some reason ( not true tho ) as every time he bails, I have to tell them and when they ask why...I've run outa reasons. You get so worn out trying to reason every failed visit.

Pelican - this sounds like a good plan and one I will have to implement as soon as possible - he keeps saying he is "no good " to anyone when he's drinking so maybe we should just let him be?

choublak

Have you tried explaining to them that he's an alcoholic? That he is addicted to alcohol and thus puts drinking above everything else, that you understand their hurt and disappointment, but that their dad is sick and that contributes to why he acts the way he does.

I say "contributes" because it's not necessarily all due to the alcoholism.

Milly39

Choublak - have tried but am not sure they understand it 100% - they are 9 and 5 - the older one gets it alrite, but the youngest hasn't a clue

Cyranoak

He is doing what alcoholics do. Any expectations beyond that are unrealistic and naive. I say this as somebody who was unrealistic and naive for a long time.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Thumper

I made the schedule and let it go. It was very very hard but it really really helped me. The frustration and anger lessened and that in turn helped my boys deal with it as well.

By let it go I mean really let it go. I typed up the schedule (per our court ordered plan) and sent it to him, sent it with the boys, and emailed it to him. (He had a hissy of course but oh well). Then I did not call, make a plan, remind, or anything. He either made a plan - or not. If/when he made a plan he either showed up - or not. If my older boys wanted to call I always let them or helped them. He never turned his phone on so it didn't matter anyway. He no-showed a lot - or in some other way screwed up the schedule.

Sooo - I always had a plan B. If he didn't show up we had something else planned. Mostly it was stuff at home but sometimes it was away from home or I just had to do something. At those times I made one call to tell him that I had to leave at 10am and if he wasn't there by then the boys would be coming with me. The important part is that there was something concrete to do rather then just sit around and wait. A very specific thing to turn our attention too.

I learned the hard way that there was NO WAY to compromise, work anything out, accommodate his needs, etc. It was all a game with him to see how much blaming and arguing and game playing he could do with me.

I didn't take to hard of a line because I didn't want my boys in the middle. I never planned anything away from home when he had them because he brought them home at unpredictable, unplanned times. I always wanted them to be able to come home because I wanted a safe out. I think he mostly did that to mess with me but I just lived with it because I didn't trust him. The only thing I didn't allow was back and forth. If he had them he didn't get to bring them home if they were acting up and then come back again and get them later. They could always come home but then they stayed home.

If they asked where he was I'd say "I don't know. I'm sorry." If they asked more I usually said "You'll have to ask him that." We had separate discussion (I read them a book to help) regarding the fact that dad not showing up was not their fault, not because they weren't lovable, etc. etc. I answered questions surrounding that honestly as I could.

I quit taking blame for things. For instance he used to tell the boys it was my fault they couldn't come and visit him because he didn't have food, because I left him and took away all his money, he was hungry and I wouldn't go to the grocery store blah blah blah. Or it was my fault because I wouldn't drive them both ways and he didn't have gas. I would just say that dad is a grown up and very smart and if he can work, just the same as mom does. Grown ups can take care of themselves and they didn't need to worry about him.

My fear came true. He mostly quit seeing them and then he moved away. Yes they were devastated. He was an involved parent before the alcoholism progressed. He was with them all day while I worked. But you know what. It was better for them not to be in that craziness. It was a mess living in that. I regret it. Being abandoned was devastating, being in that mess was so completely damaging.

I could not control the relationship between him and the kids any more then I could control him. Once I accepted that it became much easier.

Milly39

Thumper - thank you for your insight.
Especially the last line of your post.
I need to to let go and learn not to depend on the undependable. Make a plan b and stick to "OUR plan" and not let him ruin our day if things don't work out.
This is go dam hard - you are so right when you say this is a game to them....and at the moment I don't feel like I am winning.
This too shall pass...right?
M.

blwninthewind

So he expects you to
a) be heartbroken that he's broken his plans with you
b) wait around and be available when he decides to make an appearance
c) work everything around what HE wants and his schedule.

hmmmmm.
I have a RAH who has recently started to make a point to invite me places. Like "let's have a 'date nite' on wed? then 20 min after I say yes....he comes back and says.."oh I totally forgot I have to lead/chair my AA mtg that night". and walks away.
No... I'm sorry I forgot that I made a previous commitment lets go early/late, another day...NOTHING.

After this happening multiple times I am convinced it is about manipulation and control not about poor planning.
I am not participating in that.
So he asked me to do something..two somethings...and I said I'll think about it, see what my schedule looks like and let him know.
I told him no.
honestly, I have no interest in doing either of the two things he asked me to and decided that I COULD say no.
It was quite freeing.
I was nice about it. I don't want to hurt him. I mean I honestly don't even think he knows what the heck he's doing most of the time...so why hurt his feelings..but I just honestly would rather stay home and curl up w/ a good book.

Maybe you should start planning things without him....if he attends..fine, if not...no big deal as you weren't counting on him being there anyway.

lillamy

THANK YOU, Thumper.

I stumbled upon this particular little piece of wisdom as I was sitting here steaming over how my AXH insists on having the kids at his house, only to leave them home alone and go partying with his girlfriend. Another saying I should have tattooed on the insides of my eyelids.