foggy

Haven't been by the forum for awhile. My AH has been sober for about 2 years now, but hasn't done any kind of recovery work. He disagrees with the religious content of AA, and is proud of himself for stopping "all by himself."

He travels a lot for work, and is increasingly making comments like, "I haven't taken up drinking again YET, but I'm tempted." He seems to be having more difficulty dealing with stress, and casually dropping hints about how he's tempted to start drinking again. At the same time, he's getting more critical of me, and saying I'm to blame for his mood swings. I know I'm not perfect, but I get the feeling I'm being set up here.... that he will soon fall off the wagon, and he'll tell me it's my fault. (Am I being paranoid or perceptive? )

He tried to draw me into an argument over the weekend, and it reminded me very much of the discussions we had when he was drinking. (He works hard, I do nothing, he only overreacts because I do nothing.) I couldn't even muster much of a defense. It seemed pointless to me to get drawn into it. I don't want to get on this bloody rollercoaster again....

m1k3

Yes to both and nothing wrong with that. From my experience when my AW had been sober for a while and started with those types of behaviors a binge was soon to follow.

As for the god thing. I am an atheist and I have no problems working the al-anon program. He is just using that as an excuse not to go.

Your friend,

lillamy

Red flag #1: He tries to blame you.
Red flag #2: You observe behavior you haven't seen other than when he's been drinking.

In my experience, if you think he's drinking, you're right.

tabatha

It sounds very much like a relapse is coming if not already here. My XABF would always hint at the fact that he was sure he was able to have 'one' and be ok with it. Next thing I saw was a full blown relapse.

foggy

We're apart so much that he could already be drinking and I wouldn't necessarily know it. The thought of going through all that again makes me sick. Maybe the relapse hasn't happened yet, but I'm convinced that he's trying to justify it to himself already.

Threshold

As both a recovering addict and a SO to one, I agree with the first part of this, yes, sounds like he's working toward a relapse and looking for an "out" to do so.

don't take his issues on yourself, but arguing with him over it is probably pointless.

As to using the religion issue as an excuse to not go. Well, AA isn't for everyone, there are other recovery programs and methods. If "doing it himself" is an important factor than AVRT might be just the thing for him. SMART and RR are worth looking into. I'm in 12 step but it's valid for people to have reasons not to go that route.

Take care of yourself.

If he relapses, don't go down with his ship. He may be too determined to relapse right now to be open to any recovery options. Stinks, but it might be true. I've done that.

Willybluedog

As someone who used to travel for work alot, it is really hard, you are lonely alot of the time, if you have to entertain clients and they are drinkers it is really hard to "not drink" or drink only club soda, people get offended when you won't drink with them.

I am not making excuses, and I cannot tell you what to do, I am just saying it will be harder for him to stay sober out on the road than it would be if he was at home with your every night.

legalage

Speaking from experience, I can tell you this. I too traveled a lot for work, and when I was on the road I would drink because nobody noticed. Then I would dry out and come back home. My significant other would always notice a change in my mood, however. As anyone that has ever binge drank can tell you, the after-effects stick around for a couple of days. It then progressed to the point that I would wake up, have a couple drinks, and drink on the plane ride home, but still wouldn't drink at home. I might as well have, because my mood caused many arguments and I continually got questioned about whether or not I had been drinking because I was "acting the same as I did when I was actively drinking."

My point is that he is probably drinking. He is feeling guilty and he is setting you up to be the scapegoat.

foggy

legalage, he used to drink on the plane too. He'd walk through the door, and I'd get that sinking feeling. I hope it's not starting back up, but I strongly suspect it is.

EnglishGarden

Just sending you a hug.

I remember what it was like for me, many years ago, when my then AH whiteknuckled for 3 months and then drank again. It was very ugly. The dry period seems to make the relapse incredibly intense.

Do you have somewhere to go if he has an ugly relapse? A friend to stay with a few days?

I don't recommend being in the same house with him if he goes on a full-out drunk.

Take good care of yourself. Wishing you safety and peace. Upping your Al-Anon meetings--if possible--will help.

live4me

I am an ACoA - both of my parents - and I can relate to what you're saying. My mom seems to be doing great, working the program, focusing on herself, participating in actual recovery , in actual life and not being miserable. My dad on the other hand...miserable doesn't describe it. I just learned the terms "dry drunk" and "white knuckling" within the last week or so and unfortunately, he fits the description. He may or may not be drinking, but his behavior is totally unacceptable regardless. Classic text book active addict and he doesn't see it or care one bit. The manipulating, blaming, drawing you into arguments and making you think you're the crazy one. He struggles with the higher power aspect of AA too, but he still goes - when it suits him. It's really hard and it makes it even harder when I don't know if he's drinking or not. Is this who he is or is it the booze/drugs? Or are those the same? I don't know if I will ever find out, but I have hope.

Thanks for sharing...take care of yourself!

Cyranoak

...are excuses to not go to AA. No more, no less. It works for thousands of people who don't believe in God.

He's full of hooey and alcohol. And you know it.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Kindly,

Cyranoak

naive

i must agree with cyranoak...

i found it best to trust my intuition with respect to whether he was drinking or not. i certainly would not believe what he says.

so, i suppose the question is, if he is drinking again, what are your boundaries?

naive

foggy

Good question, and I'm still trying to figure that one out. I won't accept being blamed for it, that much I know. I still have some work to do on the whole boundaries issue.

fourmaggie

just wondering, you active in AL ANON?

foggy

I haven't been, but have been seeing a counselor and doing some reading. I got more serious about working on the codependency issues when I realized it didn't feel like the problem was "over" when he stopped drinking. There are still some underlying issues there even if he doesn't relapse.

FindingJoy

Foggy my EXAB also travels a lot for work on a weekly basis. You wrote something that got my attention...that he's gone so much you wouldn't know if he's drinking. Then there were several replies that if you think he's drinking that he probably is.
From my experience my gut is never wrong it's a matter if I chose to listen to it or dismiss it with excuses because I don't want it to be true. Just on e I would like my gut to be wrong as that would mean my EXAB actually is doing good and healthy things.
So when friends have asked me in the last few months if I think he's drinking my answer has been the same "based on his behavior he's probably drinking or taking ambien or some substance (he's an addict of almost anything include food...he also binges and purges) but I wouldn't know as I don't see him as he's my ex and he's traveling all the time."

Yes he's in AA yes he has a sponsor yes he's on the 9th step yes he has a therapist yes he's on antidepressants yes he is paying bills doing a good job at work....but NO he is not following through with his word to me Nor have u seen any positive progression in his mean behavior when he doesn't get his way and he still wants everything right now and is very selfish.

Many addicts "get off" on "getting away" with things just like a teenager. I'll sneak out of the house mom and dad won't know or I'll steal a 20 from moms wallet. There's a power and euphoric feeling they get much like a shoplifter. We Codie's often take the role of Mother in these relationships so they love thinking they are getting away with bad behavior from mommy. My ExABs favorite is to lie about what he eats. Funny thing is that I never cared. So he will boast to me about eating a salad but if it's something he thinks is bad he says nothing...which says it all. They are often so obvious it's funny. Ooooo better not let mom know I ate cookies before dinner.

The real question here is why do I keep finding man boys where I end up playing the mother role that I hate? What am I getting out of this?

fourmaggie

AL ANON will help....those rooms and along in here, have so much wisdom...