Pigtails

Hi. Is it okay for me to post here if I am in recovery and have an alcoholic boyfriend? Are there other people here who are in recovery but part of couple in which the partner is not in recovery? My apologies if this is not the right place for this.

choublak

Hello!

Of course it's okay! It's more than okay!

Pigtails

Ok. Hi everyone. I am just so frustrated. I try to focus on myself and my recovery and sobriety, but I see my boyfriend drinking and it's like I'm looking in a mirror at my own issues. I try not to let my issues spill over to him but I cannot, at this point, with the knowledge I have about alcoholism and how I care about him, see him drinking and not worry. Well, sometimes I worry and other times I just get annoyed, and then I feel hypocritcal because a few short months ago, I would have been drinking right along with him!

I just look at him and think, how can he see the really negative effect that alcohol has on him and has had on his family members, heck, the effect that it has on me/our relationship, and keep drinking?! I know I was once in a similar spot but I eventually gained the desperation and desire to change, and I am... I am changing in major, great ways; I feel happier and healthier than I have in a long time. And in many ways his life is "lower" than mine was when I decided to change-- for instance, he is facing DUI charges, he does not have a stable job/income-- and yet he hasn't found motivation to change, so perhaps I am foolish to hope that he will. I mean, in some ways he has made strides-- he is back in school to finish his degree, he stopped smoking pot due to his fear of being tested while on probation or whatever ends up happening with the DUI-- but in the meantime his drinking has gotten more erratic and sometimes really bad, like he's traded one addiction for another, and when he's hungover like today, he gets really depressed and down on himself and starts thinking so negatively about himself/us when he isn't like that when he isn't drinking--he is much more positive.

I am in such a positive and happy spot and I've realized that nothing I say can help him until he is ready to do it for himself. So in the meantime I don't know if I should just completely avoid him when he's drinking/hungover, if I should tell him I need some space, if I should try to be patient because I know that when I was making hard changes in other areas of my life, I started drinking more and more and had more and more negative effects, and it just had to finally HIT me that drinking was my problem, and that I needed to change that... so I just hope he will get to that point but I know I have no way of knowing. It's not like he's a violent drunk or he hides his drinking or I suspect he's cheating on me or any of that... which makes me think it's not that bad. But really it affects me in that I want a relationship with someone who is emotionally present and who doesn't need to turn into this infantile-like state through his use of alcohol.

I just feel so frustrated, and honestly just annoyed and tired of it, so I appreciate the chance to vent. I realize I haven't really asked a question or for advice... I guess there is probably no advice except to keep waiting or get out... and I am just trying to face that.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I recommend reading around the top of the forum pages. There are "stickies" up there that contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom. Stickies are older permanent posts that have been preserved for reference.

This is one of my favorite stickies, and contains steps that helped me while living with active addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Pigtails

Thank you Pelican for the helpful link. I’ve been trying hard to do number 10—focusing on my own life and responsibilities instead of on his problems. I guess I was naively hoping that when he saw all the positive changes I was making in my own life, he would want to get on board. But I also realize I need to do this for myself, not for him.

choublak

First of all, congrats on your recovery and sobriety!

Keep working on yourself. It is a good idea to set some boundaries, for yourself, so that you don't get caught up in his drinking, his choices. What is acceptable/unacceptable to you?

Freedom1990

I know for me, in order to protect my own sobriety and sanity, I had to walk away from my EXAH.

I did eventually drink and drug again after 4 years. One of the biggest factors in my relapse was I was involved with someone who had been in the program and then relapsed.

I "thought" I could get him back into recovery, that I was strong enough to handle the situation.

I was wrong. I circled the drain right beside him.

Throwing away my hard-earned recovery was not worth it, not for a man, not for anyone.

Let go or be dragged.

Sending hugs of support.

LifeRecovery

Welcome Pigtails!

I was working on my own recovery from food issues/eating disorders when I met my ex-husband. I related very much to this paragraph that you wrote. I was doing counseling, getting support and working on improving myself. I honestly thought for a long time that if I got myself right he would see how much better off I was and try to get some of what I had for himself.

I regularly said to my counselor, I will work on the relationship and/or how I feel about his drinking once I have myself in a better place. The truth was though that it impacted me a lot....

The truth is though that his drinking affected me, even when he was not cheating, getting violent, etc, because the potential for this was so much higher when alcohol was on board. That in an of itself was hard for me.

I struggled too with how I felt about him as a person and his behaviors when drinking. The person I cared about very much, the behaviors not so much. That remains hard for me to seperate out, but I am learning with him but also this with other people in my life. I think I stayed a long time in a situation I was unhappy with though because I could not seperate those things out (I am not saying you are doing that).

Recovery can be simple, but it is not easy. It does get easier though.

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. It is comforting to talk to people who understand. Right now he is really depressed, like he often gets when he's hungover/when he drinks so much the night before. He is so negative and down on himself and tells me I shouldn't be with him because he's such a loser. I am starting to think I have no choice but to believe him!! When he does this I get so worried about him and try to help, but nothing I say ever helps. I just want to give up.

Pigtails

Part of me is worried for him and sad, and part of me is really annoyed, because it's like he enjoys these pity-parties. I see that I can't help him if he doesn't want to get help, so, what use is it to try?

choublak

Well, alcohol is a depressant...

soberlicious

When I quit drinking, my perspective changed on so many things. I no longer looked at life as I once did. When one person grows and the other stays the same it's hard to fit together the same way you used to.
It's possible that you might literally outgrow him. That's what happened to me.

Pigtails

I know, and I tell him this. I told him that every time he drinks a lot he is so depressed the next day and that he needs to get help for his depression and drinking. He says doctors cost money, which he doesn't have, and he has no answer for why he drinks when that clearly costs money too and only makes things worse. I am just sick of his excuses. I can no longer feel bad for him because he doesn't even want/need my help. At the same time, it is sad and very painful.

Pigtails

Yeah, I guess that's exactly what's happening to me.

It helps me to just talk about it because I feel like I'm going crazy. Talking to him makes no sense at all.

Pigtails

Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't feel tempted to drink with him, in fact I get repulsed about alcohol when I see its negative effect on him. Yet I know that could change, and often I have feelings of wishing I could drink normally and without consequence, and wishing he could drink normally and without consequence, so that we could drink together... which I know is just a twisted symptom of my alcoholism. Being around him when he drinks evokes a lot of emotions in me but at this point I feel strong in my sobriety... but I know that could change.

At this point my overall thoughts are not that I want to drink again but that I don't want to be with someone who drinks. I know it was like that when we got together but as others have mentioned, I have changed and I want more out of life now. In fact ironically I wanted more for some time but only had the strong enough desire and motivation to change when I was with him... I guess I used him for support because it was hard and lonely... and now I don't want to feel like I'm leaving him in the dust once I got healthier with his help. But now he is not 'helping' me, but bringing me down, like you said. So I don't really feel like I have a choice. Honestly I am glad to realize all this before I am married to him and have a kid. I think I am scared of not having that-- in many ways we are great together and I do get that fantasy in my head and I feel like I'm getting old and time is wasting-- but I don't want to marry or have kids with someone who drinks like this and is depressed like this, and he doesn't seem to want to change at all.

Sorry for blabbering, thanks for listening.

Pigtails

Thank you for putting it in better perspective. We were both in a dark spot when we met but I truly wanted to change and improve my life. He said he wanted the same thing, and I know that a part of him does, but not enough I guess. For me, having him in my life gave me the extra support and motivation I needed to make hard changes, but, the same hasn't held true on his end. And now I have to be strong enough to keep making the hard changes on my own if he isn't willing to at least try. He usually doesn't even admit he has a drinking problem, so, I can't make him see that or do anything about it. What had to matter is that I see that he has a drinking problem and that it affects our relationship and us, and, I just can't go on like this.

fourmaggie

for me and my recovery...i had to walk away from Toxic people in my life....i set boundaries and well, being healthy is my choice and my sanity....

have you tried AL ANON?....i know you are in recovery yourself, but al anon can help also...they do go hand'n hand....