dysfunctioned

I grew up with an alcoholic parent (both are but I only lived with one) and it was torture. I never drank until I was almost done with college, and now stress, anxiety, and depression have really gotten to me. I have done a complete 180 from who I used to be. I feel very alone, because I don't want to talk to my mother about this..we were never close. And I don't want to admit to anyone my problems. I was seeing a psychologist who said I had "alcoholic tendencies" last year.. I started to see her because I was drinking too much. I stopped and things have only gotten worse. I have a lot of issues I have to face- a lot of surpressed emotions/anger/sadness that all stem from living with an alcoholic.

I feel unloved and worthless
I feel like I have to always take care of everyone in my family and worry excessively about them when I should care more about myself.
I feel like a failure.
I am a perfectionist at work. I strive for excellence. Causes too much anxiety.
Is this really a disease?

scrambled2012

I identify with a lot of what you said. I differ on some of your beliefs, however. I strive at work to the extream, but it is my main outlet for belonging and contributing to a common goal with others. Work has always been a safe and almost theriputic setting for me, it has brought out the best and taught me the most about life and much about who I am. So....i wouldn't discourage your urge for excellence, or over-think why it is there.

I've got the whole family tradition thing as well, but, the bottom line is that I chose the "legal" high of alcohol even though I was warned. So, now I have to deal with my choices. I don't like to consider the family-genetic contributions so much, because it takes the emphisis off of my personal responcibilty for my own actions.

know this:
you are not unloved or worthless; You are a human being with human flaws, and you are not alone.

you are not a failure; you are a work in progress, just like everybody else. How many "successful" people who do evil things do we all have to read about before this fact becomes clear is anybodys guess.

Disease or not, for me alcohol has clearly caused serious life problems, and the problems have only become worse the longer I continued drinking. That objective fact is all that matters.

This is only one person's opinion dude, tis true, but I hope you understand the central point; you are not alone.

aasharon90

I drank for so many of my own childhood
issues as not only am I an Alcoholic but
also Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

As a daughter of middle class working
parents, one of 4 siblings, 1st daughter,
I was the only one singled out to be physically,
verbally, emotionally abused at the hand
of a functional sick mom who was like
Dr. Jeckle/Mr.Hyde mixing her meds with alcohol.

I was the chosen one to keep the house
Immaculate. In order for her to know I
vaccumed the carpet, I learned to vacuum
lines side by side not missing a spot.
Sooooo ridgid. So crazy. So dysfunctional.

I left home at 19 when she raised the last
object to hit me swearing no one would
ever tell me what to do again not hit me.

I drank for a number of reasons till i turned
30 yrs old while I was still able to raise 2 awesome
kids and remain married for 25 yrs.

Family stepped in with an intervention when
I couldnt go on with life any longer. It was
them getting me help when I couldnt.

I spent 28 days in rehab recieving the tools
and knowledge of my alcholism and how it
affected me and others around me.

I took the program of AA consisting of steps
and principles and worked thru issues that
keep me a prisoner of alcohol. I am still on
my recovery journey some 21 yrs later sharing
my own experiences, strengths and hopes of
what my life was like before during and after
my drinking career.

Today, i am remarried inching closer to 3 yrs.
and life in recovery has been a blessing and gift
to me. I dont have to live as a prisoner of the
past and can love myself for who I am.

So can you.

Willybluedog

dysfunctioned, I am so glad you are here.

Please read the stickies at the top, I would also recommend going to the ACOA website, I recently got their handbook "The Big Red Book" and the workbook, they have been very helpful to me.

Everything you are saying is classic ACOA, officially a disease, I am not sure, but I know that it is something you can work on, you can make progress, you can feel better.

I am very worried about you, you are not worthless. Please come back here often, I want to know how you are doing, if you need an ear, a shoulder or just a place to vent I will be glad to listen to you.

Best of luck,

Bill

dysfunctioned

thanks everyone for reading and responding