Windblown

I live with active addicition. My spouse snorts some kind of bath salt powder that he says he buys legally. He has lied about it for 6 months. I have a psychic radar...I know when he's doing it. I catch him in the act. He wakes to reality for a day or so...maybe goes to a meeting...then he's off again. I told him 3 weeks ago that I could not live this way anymore. He promised to change. I tried to get him better. I obsessed, worried, planned, decided to leave...felt guilty for that. He works 12-15 hour days....is just doing great at work...no one knows. He's got a built in excuse because he just got promoted...but things at home are weird. He has lost 75 lbs. He makes strange noises, doesn't touch me anymore...I gave up on that long ago...now I don't want him to touch me. I feel bad for him...but I feel crazy around him. I am improving my life. Ii meditate in a monastery twice a day, quit smoking, don't drink beer at all, work on cultivating honesty, virtue and compassion. I want to leave him and become a Buddhist nun. I can't do this anymore...but the 12 steppers keep telling me to be be patient. It's been ten months now...but I know I have not been perfect either. I
am not angry with him. I know he is sick. But what about me? Don't I deserve the kind of life
I want? If I continue on with this cracked up life I will lose myself...maybe I will die. I feel like
I have one more chance and I need to get out. He has been a good man to me. He has tried
so hard. I love him but I don't like him...and I am not in love with him. I gave up the fight
and began seeking my own joy. This has helped. I see a whole new way of life opening
up. This includes seperation from him. He will get upset. I am afraid of this...even though I
have had several long chats with him. I have told him but now I am done. I am going out
of town alone on a meditation retreat in two weeks. I have not told him. I will tell him when I
purchase the tickets. I feel sick to my stomach. I may call an attorney. I don't want to lose
any more time. Life is precious to me now. I care about my life. I am changing. I can not save
him but I can save me....unless I stay in this much longer. Why do those alanoners who live with recovered spouses forget what it's like with active addiction?

catlovermi

My experience in Alanon exposed me to a sub-set of Alanon-ers who chose to remain longterm sharing their lives with active addiction. Alanon gives the latitude to decide that, as it doesn't dictate WHAT decisions we should make, but encourages us to not make decisions in haste or before we are ready to make a decision.

But Alanon also taught me that fundamentally I was my own boss, and my own best advocate - that the final responsibility for my life and my decisions was MINE. Part of that is that now I get to choose what decisions are best for me WHEN I feel they are best for me. The second part of that is now I fully OWN the ramifications and consequences to my decisions.

Alanon taught me a skill that was weak in me: how to give myself permission to do a thing, especially in situations where my inner self was supporting that but perhaps external circumstances were pressuring against it.

Now, I take into consideration the wisdom of those I trust, who have in their lives what I want in my life. And after careful consideration, I allow myself permission to go ahead for myself. And I understand that whatever happens as a result, I own, due to my decsion.

I feel a whole lot more empowered in life, now.

CLMI

dollydo

That's really all you can do....save you.

TMZ

You know what is best for you. The disease affects the whole family. They are to consumed by it to see what destruction it is doing. Sometimes what we do and how we react brings them back to reality.

As a nar-anoner I continue to go because it is a life long disease and I don't want to forget. I want to be prepared just incase of relapse, witch has happened a few times. I go for me. I want to be ever vigilant because they can falter at any time.

Right now he may be a functioning Addict but as he uses more and more he will falter, then he may hit his bottom. Until they hit there bottom they do not seek help and resist our attempts to help.

I don't know about becoming a Buddhist nun, but I hope you find peace in your life.
Sending you strength and prayers.

Kindeyes

The fight or flight response was intended to be a quick response coping method. When the fight or flight response is kicked into gear 24/7......it is no longer performing as it was intended.

All of us who live with (or love) addicts become so accustomed to being in that fight or flight response all the time.......our judgement can become clouded.

I'm glad to hear that you are meditating and taking steps to take care of yourself first. I do believe that time reveals more and the actions we need to take become more apparent.

Take care of you. You will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

learningtofly

I have followed many of your posts Windblown and I have been thinking about you lately. I hope you are doing well!

One step at a time . . . just doing the next right thing for you : )

FindingJoy

You don't owe him anything but you owe yourself joy, peace, and a happy life free of toxic drama.