Am I doing the right thing??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Am I doing the right thing??
I'm pretty new here. Found these forums in October, when my husband of one year was arrested with crack and pills. He subsequently told me he was addicted to Perc 30's, using 120mg a day, and had spent $15,000 in the last 8 months since he had been using. I was 9 months pregnant at the time, and he seemed determined to stop, I was very vulnerable and couldnt imagine being without him for the birth of our child. He went through two weeks of horrible withdrawls. It was hell for me, cleaning up his sh** off the bathroom floor among other things, finding out all the lies, realizing the financial disaster we were in, etc. At that time he promised he would get treatment, promised there would be no more lies...I've been reading a lot on here, It has helped me tremendously. I have identified myself as a codependent and am reading the book. I since had a baby, she is beautiful. I also have an 8 yo daughter who knows nothing about the crisis we are in.
So, he didnt get help. He went to two NA meetings, said they make him want to use, he cant afford counseling, lost his license, cant get to an IOP, blah blah blah. He has lied to me about money since then, and I found a prescription for fioricet with codeine that he filled (the drug that started it all). He said he just got them to sell, he is so desperate for money, (unacceptable to me). I have given him three drug tests which he has passed, but im still suspicious he has used. I have been growing increasingly distant from him, in a silent rage/panic/saddness.
So a week ago i told him that i no longer need proof that he's using, I need evidence of his recovery, which I am not seeing. I told him he has until the end of the month to seek treatment or we will have to live separately. He said he is in recovery, he is not using and has proved that with the drug tests. I asserted the behaviors I had seen were not consistent with recovery, and that I could not tolerate it, that he was very likely to relapse without treatment and that it was too dangerous for me and the children to just wait until the next crisis. He said ok he will get help. He has still done nothing.
Last weekend, he hurt his back. Its a recurring injury, probably a bulging disc or something, i know its very painful. I am very concerned that he will drug seek because of it. I tried to talk to him last night about, very calmly. He became irrate, saying of course he is not going to take opiates, but if his doctor prescribes him something else, like muscle relaxers, he would. I told him those are habit forming too, he basically said im crazy, what he takes is between him and his doctor and he stormed out.
Anyway, clearly he is not ready to pursue recovery. My question is, am I doing the right thing by requiring him to seek treament or move out? If he does it just to avoid moving out, will it help? Am I trying to control him or am I setting clear boundaries? He makes me lose all clarity and feel like Im losing my mind whenever we talk.....Help!
Thank you so much in advance for your input.
So, he didnt get help. He went to two NA meetings, said they make him want to use, he cant afford counseling, lost his license, cant get to an IOP, blah blah blah. He has lied to me about money since then, and I found a prescription for fioricet with codeine that he filled (the drug that started it all). He said he just got them to sell, he is so desperate for money, (unacceptable to me). I have given him three drug tests which he has passed, but im still suspicious he has used. I have been growing increasingly distant from him, in a silent rage/panic/saddness.
So a week ago i told him that i no longer need proof that he's using, I need evidence of his recovery, which I am not seeing. I told him he has until the end of the month to seek treatment or we will have to live separately. He said he is in recovery, he is not using and has proved that with the drug tests. I asserted the behaviors I had seen were not consistent with recovery, and that I could not tolerate it, that he was very likely to relapse without treatment and that it was too dangerous for me and the children to just wait until the next crisis. He said ok he will get help. He has still done nothing.
Last weekend, he hurt his back. Its a recurring injury, probably a bulging disc or something, i know its very painful. I am very concerned that he will drug seek because of it. I tried to talk to him last night about, very calmly. He became irrate, saying of course he is not going to take opiates, but if his doctor prescribes him something else, like muscle relaxers, he would. I told him those are habit forming too, he basically said im crazy, what he takes is between him and his doctor and he stormed out.
Anyway, clearly he is not ready to pursue recovery. My question is, am I doing the right thing by requiring him to seek treament or move out? If he does it just to avoid moving out, will it help? Am I trying to control him or am I setting clear boundaries? He makes me lose all clarity and feel like Im losing my mind whenever we talk.....Help!
Thank you so much in advance for your input.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
In my opinion yes you are doing the right thing. {But you are the one that must live with your decisions not me. } kudos to you!
It sounds like he is not ready to quit. And it will take firm consequences for him to realize he must quit in order to stay. Seeking recovery is imperative. Going to NA is a sign he is is recovery and working the program. Through working the program I would be able to tell if the A is in recovery or not. ** granted it is hard for them to stop and they do fall off the wagon a few times. My AS has been on and off several times himself.}
I recommend you go to Nar-anon meetings, there for us the family of A's. It has helped me to detach with love, it has helped me take back the control. It has helped me not fall into the lies and ploys they use to keep us helping them. Now I no longer argue with, or lecture. I just say NO ** a complete sentence.} or tell them it is there problem that they must deal without my help. But in order to be in my life they must prove they are in recovery and not using and I am not waisting any money on drug tests so they have to find another way to prove it. Nor am I going to give any money to them {2ADS}, they need to earn there own.
Keep reading, posting and sharing.
Sending you strength and prayers.
It sounds like he is not ready to quit. And it will take firm consequences for him to realize he must quit in order to stay. Seeking recovery is imperative. Going to NA is a sign he is is recovery and working the program. Through working the program I would be able to tell if the A is in recovery or not. ** granted it is hard for them to stop and they do fall off the wagon a few times. My AS has been on and off several times himself.}
I recommend you go to Nar-anon meetings, there for us the family of A's. It has helped me to detach with love, it has helped me take back the control. It has helped me not fall into the lies and ploys they use to keep us helping them. Now I no longer argue with, or lecture. I just say NO ** a complete sentence.} or tell them it is there problem that they must deal without my help. But in order to be in my life they must prove they are in recovery and not using and I am not waisting any money on drug tests so they have to find another way to prove it. Nor am I going to give any money to them {2ADS}, they need to earn there own.
Keep reading, posting and sharing.
Sending you strength and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Thank you TMZ, I'm crying tears of validation at your words. At times I still feel like I am caught between a dream and being awake: the dream is he loves me, he is different. The awake is he has hurt me and will continue to do so until I put a stop to it. I felt tremendous relief after I told him my bottom line, I felt the weightlessness of letting go, letting him take responsibility for his actions. but the fear keeps creeping in, it will be painful if he chooses not to get help, he will likely resent me for taking his family from him, and may even use that as his next excuse to use...But i want to be awake now, no more believing the BS, have to trust my insticts and take care of my babies as best I can.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
Hugs to you. So sorry this has come to another. Whatever you decide to do, your first priority is to your children. An active addict can't be depended upon to put anything first except the addiction. Have a plan in place in case he doesn't seek help. Know what you are going to do. Find a support group for yourself. I hope you soon find peace for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
it will be painful if he chooses not to get help, he will likely resent me for taking his family from him
Put the responsibility back on him where it belongs. Addiction has consequences, and if he loses his family, that is a consequence he brought on himself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Fear is the way an addict controls those who love them. There is no useful purpose in fearing that which you cannot control. And you cannot control what the addict does or does not do.
If you begin enforcing your boundaries, it is almost a guarantee that he will resent you for it and use it as an excuse to use. It's what addicts do. But enforcing your boundaries will be the first steps in helping yourself and taking care of your children.
You, your children and your husband will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
If you begin enforcing your boundaries, it is almost a guarantee that he will resent you for it and use it as an excuse to use. It's what addicts do. But enforcing your boundaries will be the first steps in helping yourself and taking care of your children.
You, your children and your husband will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((becky))
the person you describe could very well be my now ex ah ~ we were married for over 17 yrs ~ it was a constant battle of him being "in recovery" out of recovery, taking meds as prescribed by a doctor - blah blah blah - Even when under a drs care - he wasn't taking those meds as directed and he was also taking others he purchased off the street, stolen from me or my family and lots of other things to enhance the "high"
It was a vivcious never ending circle that I was unable to acknowledge for a long time ~ Al-Anon helped me to see my part and to make healthy changes for me and my daughters.
I paid some high prices to finally walk away - but it was well worth it for my sanity, safety and freedom ~ as many will share sometimes the longer we have stayed the harder it is to walk away. . .
BUT also many of us have experienced a different kind of miracle - they have walked away and their loved ones have found the dignity, self-love and self-worth to seek recovery then . . . we get out of the way and then they are able to seek a healthier way of life for themselves. It can happen - does it always NO but it can. . .
My suggestion is too seek guidance from your HP as to what is healthiest for you and your children -
YOU deserve the very best!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
the person you describe could very well be my now ex ah ~ we were married for over 17 yrs ~ it was a constant battle of him being "in recovery" out of recovery, taking meds as prescribed by a doctor - blah blah blah - Even when under a drs care - he wasn't taking those meds as directed and he was also taking others he purchased off the street, stolen from me or my family and lots of other things to enhance the "high"
It was a vivcious never ending circle that I was unable to acknowledge for a long time ~ Al-Anon helped me to see my part and to make healthy changes for me and my daughters.
I paid some high prices to finally walk away - but it was well worth it for my sanity, safety and freedom ~ as many will share sometimes the longer we have stayed the harder it is to walk away. . .
BUT also many of us have experienced a different kind of miracle - they have walked away and their loved ones have found the dignity, self-love and self-worth to seek recovery then . . . we get out of the way and then they are able to seek a healthier way of life for themselves. It can happen - does it always NO but it can. . .
My suggestion is too seek guidance from your HP as to what is healthiest for you and your children -
YOU deserve the very best!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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