cad235

When my AH decided to go for help 3 weeks ago after 10 years of on & off cocaine use, he came clean, admitted to everything and was so sincere... it only lasted about 5 days and he was drinking and smoking pot and then 2 weeks later back to cocaine and, of course, lying and flipping out if I said anything or tried to do my part at least and try to keep him from money access. He is once again blaming me... saying that because I "give him a hard time", he uses. He is extremely paranoid that I tell people... and yes, I have 2 family members that I confide in and he knows it. He freaks out when I say anything at all and an hour later is as sweet as can be and acts like nothing happened!!

My questions are:

Does he REALLY think that I am to blame?? He is so convincing of this! (I know that it isn't my fault and tell him that I absolutely refuse to take any responsibility for his actions.) But is he that messed up that he doesn't see this or is he acting??

Why, after finally coming clean with me after 3 years with him, going to outpatient rehab, and talking about his addiction, is he worse than ever??? Is he that angry with himself??

It is so confusing... I was so happy a few weeks ago but sadly that was just a mirage... I'm back to trying to get things in order for what seems to be our inevitable separation.

Cob

The question of whether he believes you are to blame is an open ended question. By that I mean he might really believe it if he isn’t honest with himself…or he may simply be trying to play the blame game. By blaming you, he beats you to the punch and it builds that wall that says “you can’t judge me for my wrong” if your actions are the reason that the wrong was committed in the first place. If I had to bet on it; he’s simply spiraling out of control and often when people have nothing to hold on to they like to try to anchor their problems to those closest to them by casting blame as he appears to have done. I would think that if he has a moment of clarity whereby he can make an honest assessment of his circumstances he would not truly blame you for the shape that he is in but that still doesn’t mean that he would use that emotional tool to try to get you to go along with his controlling behavior. If someone has a problem with being honest with others or even themselves they may very well believe blaming others for their circumstances alleviates them of any guilt or the need to necessarily have to change right away. “Is he that angry with himself??” Yes…he is probably having feelings that he’s not accustom to dealing with for the past several years…(raw emotions are horrible after waking up from the coma induced state we place ourselves in.) and when you have to deal with new feelings the proper response often has to be re-learned…like what is appropriate and what is not appropriate behavior. By the way the separation doesn’t have to be inevitable…that is also a choice just like he had a choice to use and hide his using (which tells me that he knows he had a problem if he had to hide it). Either way that you decide to go just realize that people who are coming back to reality from a long road of addiction will have to learn to either grow up for the first time or re-learn how to behave in mature ways all over again. We all have our roads to go and whether you stay with him or not is still an open issue that doesn’t have to be dealt with at this time. At this time perhaps you might consider getting with someone that has been down the road you may be in store for…you might consider Al-anon or some other type of help that would at least give you the skinny of what you have to look forward to in the days ahead. I wish you well and hope that the right choices come to you. Some would tell you to get the heck out of dodge but I don’t know what’s best for you or him other than to love one another and try to work towards sobriety if that hasn’t been attained.
Cob

outtolunch

We set boundaries for ourselves to protect ourselves and our minor children. Boundaries begin with " I will/ will not..." For example, "I will not allow someone in active addiction into the family home or near my child" is a healthy boundary. It does not seek to control other people. We are responsible for enforcing our own boundary.

Attempts to control other people usually begin with " you will/ will not...or else" For example, " You will stop using or I am going to take my child and leave" is an ultimatum and seeks to control someone else. If this were an effective strategy, absolutely none of us would be here.

outtolunch

He is doing what addicts do, protecting and sustaining addiction, at all costs. Chronic manipulation is one of the many strategies being used to not take responsibility for himself.

None of us have the power to cause someone to stay clean and sober just as we do not have the power to cause someone to relapse.

Tying your own emotional wellbeing to someone in active addiction is crazy making stuff. Only you can decide if you want to continue to live like this.

cad235

Thanks COB... the only really sad part of this story is our 18 month old daughter... & the poor thing has to listen to him yell and swear during his tantrums. He is always good to her... If it wasn't for her, I would have left a long time ago. But she absolutely adores her daddy and there is always a glimmer of hope that we can have a loving family... BUT at the same time she is getting older and she knows when something is wrong and I don't want her exposed to his temper or hearing him call me horrible names. I keep telling him very calmly "if you continue to yell and swear in front of our daughter, you will have to leave." I also tell him "I will not tolerate drugs in our lives." I have told him this from day 1. That is the difficult part of it all.

outtolunch

The OP is in a threesome, the OP, her husband and his mistress, addiction.
His misstress controls him and he's trying to manipulate the OP into believing she is responsible.

The OP has no control over her husband's sobriety or recovery. He alone owns it.

Loving someone does not mean we become doormats for their mood swings.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry your hope for a normal family life is not coming to pass.

He is an active coke addict and it's my understanding that morally and legally any child being forced to live with an active drug addict is a victim of child abuse.

Your baby is being abused by his erratic and violent verbal outbursts.

Please do the right thing as her mother and get her away from him.

One year clean and sober....then he might be safe again to be her father.

For now, he is a danger to her.

Wishing you strength and the courage to do the right thing.

outtolunch

"If you ... or else" is an attempt to control him. How's that been working for you?

cad235

I know... my "if you... or else" isn't working. I'm taking it one day at a time. He has no money & no where to go. House is mine... Business is in my name and I pay him from it! I'm trying to get finances in order and save up some of his money so he will have money to move out if that is what is to be... his parents no longer want him there. Thank you all for your posts... I am so fortunate to have found these forums for support.

dollydo

Children hear and see everything. Living in the home of an addict is very traumatic to a child. They internalize their feelings and take their childhood into adulthood. 50% of children of addicts either become addicts themselves or marry addicts. She has already has inherited the gene that predisposes her to addiction.

IMHO the worst reason to stay in a relationship with an addict is for the children. They are the true victims. A child would rather live with one good responsibile parent rather than live in a toxic enviorment with an addict.

IMHO minor children must be the priorty.

Keep posting, keep reading.

lesliej

another consideration is that children learn how to love from the models they are exposed to and experience in their formative years...what is your daughter learning about love for others, and for self, right now? self love includes learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries...

Impurrfect

(((cad))) - I'm pretty sure that, if he had to, he could find somewhere else to go. We addicts are VERY resourceful. We can use that trait in healthy or unhealthy ways.

I was homeless..pretty much my choice, because there were options. Had the people who loved me not basically said "you're not coming in THIS house with those behaviors and attitude", I would probably be still using. Consequences are what got my attention.

I do realize this isn't easy and sometimes it takes time to wrap your head around doing what's best for you and your child, regardless of what HE does. My niece (raised by my dad/stepmom and partially me) loved her daddy, too (an A). She also learned, early, to walk around on eggshells with him because she never knew how he was going to act and by 3, she was thinking his moods were HER fault, yet making mistakes for "why daddy acts likes that". It was heartbreaking, and the court system finally agreed that he was detrimental to her mental health and he no longer got supervised visits.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Cob

Cad235,
I really hope that you know what “outtolunch” had to say about my comment was seriously “out to lunch”. I don’t understand why people like that feel the need to comment on others comments…I still stand by my words…”love” him and I support your decision whatever it may be (staying or going)…that in no way implies that I support child abuse or anything like that…additionally it really is both of your problems…sobriety that is, it’s not his and his alone ( I know you didn’t say that but someone that is out to lunch did suggest that) unfortunately if you’re involved with someone that is controlled by such outburst brought on as a result of addiction you both have an addiction problem…his is a very personal one and yours is the one that receives negative effects due to his addiction. I also support your standing your ground concerning the cursing and the unacceptable behavior, especially when in the presence of your child. I will pray for you and ask the Lord to give you strength and the wisdom of what to do and when to do it.
Sincerely
Cob

laurie6781

NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Does not matter if he has no money and no where to go. Those are CONSEQUENCES of his ACTIONS. I lived the streets for 1 1/2 years because I was not ready to go for treatment, had not hit my bottom. He has his paycheck. Oh paycheck has been spent on drugs, oh well, SEE YA. And change the locks.

Cob, I am sorry but you are in error. There is no way in he11 that she should be 'working with him on his recovery'. Yuck, if one of my loved ones had tried that with me I would have been gone. BECAUSE they had NO CLUE about addiction. The folks who helped me were those that had found recovery before me.

His sobriety is not her responsibility. Her learning how to take care of herself, figure out about herself, learn how to put the codependency on a top shelf for good, that is her responsibility.

Cad, most A's blame their loved ones. It's a manipulation trick to change the subject and get the loved one looking elsewhere.

The following was written by the original owner of this site, himself an addict in recovery:

Maybe that will help you understand a bit.

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

(((Cob))) - you probably feel like people are "jumping on you" but it's not that. Most of us have been where you are, some of us on BOTH sides of the addiction fence, and we are sharing our ES&H.

I'm an RA and I have THREE XABF's - one was a functioning alcoholic, two were fellow crackheads. It took me over 30 years to realize that: #1, I was part of the problem, and #2, I developed my own addiction as a way to deal with the dysfunction.

When I came to SR, I was often treated with "tough love". Didn't LIKE it, had every justification as to why my situation was different, but stuff must have sunk in.

I have no doubt that "support" comes in different forms and flavors. I can only tell of my ES&H. Had someone made it easier for me to keep using, I'd still be using rather than coming up on 5 years in recovery. Consequences are what got my attention.

People end relationships all the time. Later, they may reconnect on a different level, or it may be over forever. I currently have A's in my life and though not a mate, I love them dearly. I can't make them get clean, I can only let them deal with the consequences of their addiction. It worked for me, and I can only pray it works for them.

((((cad)))

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

greeteachday

Threads tend to go better when folks stick to sharing their own personal experiences on how they handled things and what they have learned than to pick apart each others posts, have conversations with each other , debate others' responses... Take what you want, leave the rest and all that...Have a drama free night everyone.

Hanna

The bold part struck me because of some thoughts I've been having about my own experiences.

I believe an important part of being truly good to one's children also means being good to their other parent. One can't simultaneously treat a child well while being wretched to their other parent. So if he's yelling and swearing at you, even out of her earshot, he's not being good to her. If he's doing it in earshot of her, he's absolutely not being good to her because he's creating an unpleasant environment.

I know it's wretched to deal with the crazy-making accusations of an addict. He's blaming you because he uses drugs? That's utter nonsense and I doubt he truly believes it even while using.