My Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
My Recovery
I want to talk about my path back. I need to write it out I guess. I believe there is only one way to get sober. Stop drinking. But I don't believe there is only one way to get healthy and happy. I'm going to talk about what has worked for me.
My rock bottom was turning 36 and realizing that I could no longer function as a useful person and that every dream I had, or might ever have again, was being burnt up by my drinking. I was spiraling towards total destruction and death.
I had been in therpay for years. Trying to deal with my issues and traumas. There have been many. But it was that I became terrified that I stopped drinking. The realization that the choice was oblivion of quitting. At 36 I had no more time n the clock if I wanted to get married and have a career. If those things were possible at all.
So I quit. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I got a lot of help here. Thanks for that SR. I had tried to quit before. Even lasted a month once without SR.
Quitting drinking was really just the first step though. It was the therapy and the examination of the reasons why I drank that really did it for me. I could see my drinking for what it was. In therapy I was able to talk it through. Looking at it from a few different sides. Why was I drinking? I was self medicating. Trying to block out the world.
I feel better now. I don't want to drink. But it still scares me. I'm afraid. What if I think I'm better now? I can drink. And if I do I'll fall. Will I be able to quit again? Will I have the power? It seems everything gets harder as I get older. The amount of mental and emotional energy seems to be 10X as much as it was when I was 21.
So I still see my Psychiatrist 3 times a week. I have to leave work early to do it. I told work it was for Phsio. That was a year ago. They have to have seen through that by now.
I read the newcomers to recovery posts. I read your posts. I'm talking to you. The people with only one or two or three days sober. I remember that.
Those were strange days. I remember asking SR how long it would take to get rid of the fuzziness in my head. I don't really remember what that felt like but it's gone now. I think it took a couple of weeks. Those first few days. It felt like I was a new born babe. What was I going to do? Who was going to protect me? The alcohol had always done that. I was a stay at home alone drinker. A bunker drinker.
Now my life is so much better. But I have to face things head on. No more dodging things with booze. My crutch, my friend, my lover, and my murderer. Do I miss you?
One of the hardest things, maybe the hardest thing now after over a year of sobriety is trying to create a life. When I drank it was all about the absence of life. I struggle. Create life where I stamped it out. I really jumped all over myself. I did not like the world so I tore my own life to shreds like a child.
Why did I drink? Many reasons. Some were good reasons to drink.
Why am I sober now? Many reasons. All were good reasons to stop.
I read a post about a guy who after a year of being sober was able to buy a boat and work on it with his son. That sounds like just about the best darn thing in the whole world to me. Now that's life.
To get back to my main point. I did get sober and being sober allowed the therapy to work. It takes time though. It's been about 4-5 years now of therapy. I"m a completely different person for it though. I know so much more now.
So that's what I feel like now.
My rock bottom was turning 36 and realizing that I could no longer function as a useful person and that every dream I had, or might ever have again, was being burnt up by my drinking. I was spiraling towards total destruction and death.
I had been in therpay for years. Trying to deal with my issues and traumas. There have been many. But it was that I became terrified that I stopped drinking. The realization that the choice was oblivion of quitting. At 36 I had no more time n the clock if I wanted to get married and have a career. If those things were possible at all.
So I quit. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I got a lot of help here. Thanks for that SR. I had tried to quit before. Even lasted a month once without SR.
Quitting drinking was really just the first step though. It was the therapy and the examination of the reasons why I drank that really did it for me. I could see my drinking for what it was. In therapy I was able to talk it through. Looking at it from a few different sides. Why was I drinking? I was self medicating. Trying to block out the world.
I feel better now. I don't want to drink. But it still scares me. I'm afraid. What if I think I'm better now? I can drink. And if I do I'll fall. Will I be able to quit again? Will I have the power? It seems everything gets harder as I get older. The amount of mental and emotional energy seems to be 10X as much as it was when I was 21.
So I still see my Psychiatrist 3 times a week. I have to leave work early to do it. I told work it was for Phsio. That was a year ago. They have to have seen through that by now.
I read the newcomers to recovery posts. I read your posts. I'm talking to you. The people with only one or two or three days sober. I remember that.
Those were strange days. I remember asking SR how long it would take to get rid of the fuzziness in my head. I don't really remember what that felt like but it's gone now. I think it took a couple of weeks. Those first few days. It felt like I was a new born babe. What was I going to do? Who was going to protect me? The alcohol had always done that. I was a stay at home alone drinker. A bunker drinker.
Now my life is so much better. But I have to face things head on. No more dodging things with booze. My crutch, my friend, my lover, and my murderer. Do I miss you?
One of the hardest things, maybe the hardest thing now after over a year of sobriety is trying to create a life. When I drank it was all about the absence of life. I struggle. Create life where I stamped it out. I really jumped all over myself. I did not like the world so I tore my own life to shreds like a child.
Why did I drink? Many reasons. Some were good reasons to drink.
Why am I sober now? Many reasons. All were good reasons to stop.
I read a post about a guy who after a year of being sober was able to buy a boat and work on it with his son. That sounds like just about the best darn thing in the whole world to me. Now that's life.
To get back to my main point. I did get sober and being sober allowed the therapy to work. It takes time though. It's been about 4-5 years now of therapy. I"m a completely different person for it though. I know so much more now.
So that's what I feel like now.
Grateful AA member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thats a great post and I can relate to you because I drank to self medicate and block the traumas out of my life too. Alcohol became my best friend and worst enemy. I am getting back into therapy for the same reasons. I can tell by your post that you seem to have a healthy mind set and what you are thinking is healthy and that you have made a lot of self discoveries about yourself. Great job!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
You post gave me goosebumps tendencies. I am 8 days in and scared, but I drank for a lot of the same reasons as you- self medication and wanting to shut out the world. Drinking alone was my thing, I didn't want to be social. I thank you for sharing your story, you certainly helped this newbie today. Congrats on over a year sober, sounds like you are doing awesome 
Congrats and thank you for sharing your journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
Checking my head
Sometimes I have to come back to SR. I call it checking my head. I don't want to forget how hard it was or how bad my life was before I quit. I don't check in as much as the beginning of course. Early days I was on here all the time.
Thanks for all the encouragement.
Thanks for all the encouragement.
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