serenity001

There are things the Ex A fiance and I need to talk about, and I just WONT, while he has been drinking. I have not spoken to him or responded to any of his emails, or text messages because I dont want to play that game. I dont know if I should just write a letter and send it or what???? I know from outside sources that I am the bad guy in all of this and he is playing the victim role, I know he knows why I broke off our engagement, the day I broke it off, I wasn't mean or angry about it, I told him that I love deeply, I still LOVE HIM! At this point I'm not sure, how to go about doing this.

I saw an article on how to write a letter to an alcoholic Friend/loved one, thought about using that format, I just dont know if even talking on the phone at this point even if he is sober is even worth my peace of mind....I JUST DONT KNOW......he lives in another state so thing I need to return have to be sent. I'm just so confused. And feel crazy!!!!

Freedom1990

What exactly is it you need to talk to him about...the things of his you have?

serenity001

I have the engagement ring, that want to send back, and gifts from family from Christmas...omg this is so hard and I'm trying so hard not to talk to him, this has been a really rough few days!

Freedom1990

Oh believe me, I know how hard that is not to talk to them. I went through withdrawals when I initiated no contact with EXAH.

Do you have the address to where he is currently living? If so, is there any reason you can't box it all up and just send it (preferably insured because of the engagement ring)? You don't have to say or write anything to him. It is an option.

serenity001

That was my plan to send it Insured and certified, just to make sure it gets there. I dont have to to it today, When I broke it off I told him what I was going to do with ring, but I keep getting emails from him asking what are your plans for us and the ring, I try to keep reminding myself that is the alcohol talking, sometimes days its just so difficult, because I do want to talk to him, its crazy, I go back and forth daily with, I do , I dont, I do, dont!!! and so on and so on.

Impurrfect

(((serenity))) - I'm sorry you're going through this. I think that if you sent him all the stuff back, THAT would answer his questions about "plans for us" and the ring/presents.

He's looking for a way to stay in your life. You really don't have to participate. I've found it takes a while of the A getting no response to let go, but it does usually works and often the silence speaks better than we do.

Regardless of your decision, we're here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

My thoughts: Box up all the stuff, send it to him, block him from your phone and email and any other communication device and move on. Once you give back the stuff, you won't have any legitimate reason for contact. Yeah, I know how hard it is, but until you completely cut the tie, you will continue to vacillate back and forth. It's like pulling the scab off a healing wound. It just prolongs the healing.

Tuffgirl

My wise Mom always says if I am confused, do nothing. Give it time, often it works itself out without my worry and trying to manage events.

And being the impatient person I am, this is often the hardest thing to do, but over time I have found it to be the most rewarding as well.

Willybluedog

There has been lots of good advice posted here, I would just add this, as I understand it in our state an engagement ring is part of a contract, if you break the contract you are legally required to return the ring. Once you have made the decision that you have no intention of marrying him you need to attempt to return the ring. This does not require any correspondence on your part.

If you have not 100% made up your mind what you want to do, before you do or say anything, sit down with a piece of paper and write a note/list/letter to yourself and the subject should be WHAT IS BEST FOR ME! what actions should I take to protect myself from hurt or harm.

As Tuffgirl says you don't have to do anything right now, try to take a break from thinking about it, I know it is terribly difficult I wrestled with leaving my first wife for a long time, finally she cheated and left, the decision was made for me.

If you want to talk or vent then we will be here.

Best of luck,

Bill

serenity001

Thank you ((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))), besides my Alanon meeting, having this place to come to helps, I know I can vent and sound nuts and there is not judgement, just understanding and empathy...I feel somewhat normal right now, I will be returning the ring for sure just not sure when and its a little complicated as he is not home durning the day to sign for it, that has been my intention and told him that when I broke it off, got another email, on Sat, and did not respond. I just keep reminding myself " WHEN IN DOUBT, DONT" I pray for him all the time, probably more than I do for myself.

m1k3

serenity, just something to think about. The ring really should be returned as for the gifts, well they were gifts and it is totally up to you to decide what you want to do with them.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

Cyranoak

You don't need to talk to him. You want to talk to him-- at least the codependant part of you does. Thus this conundrum that isn't really a conundrum at all.

You know what the healthy thing to do here is, but even in your post today you are making excuses for why you can't do it yet. He's an adult-- if he's not home to sign for it he can go pick it up. There's processes in place for this. It's not complicated at all. You are just making excuses.

Be honest, if not with us then with yourself.

Cyranoak

skippernlilg

Cyranoak is right. If the intended recipient is not present to sign for a package, a note is left on the door of the recipient with directions for pick up.

serenity001

Honestly I didnt even think about him being able to pick it up, that thought had not even occured to me, as my mind has been just racing, but Im glad that you mentioned it..thank you. I am not here to make excuses or be dishonest with anyone here, its been hard to think rationally or clearly most of the time latley, I am doing the best that I can right now that is why I am here and going to meetings and not responding to any of his texts or email...like I said the thought of him being able to pick it up had not once occured to me until now when I read your post. So now I have my answer.

TakingCharge999

You can send the gifts to me

So are you sending back the ring?

I understand putting off representative actions like this one, for me it took more than a year to delete pictures, its a process but I am betting you might feel upset/sad when doing it but after its done you will feel much better... at least that is how it went for me...


HUGS

serenity001

Yes I am sending the ring back, that is a given, as I told him I was. 3 weeks back into alanon!! THANK GOD!! I am still on my roller coaster ride, Its been a month since I broke off the engagement, and I've not talked to him once! It's been so very hard to have no contact! What is there to really say, and what is there to really hear??? I trusting God on this to guide me and keep me strong and headed in the right direction. So HARD TO LET GO!!

EnglishGarden

Your post makes me feel sad. So many of us have had to do what you are doing: letting go of someone we love so much but cannot change.

I let items connected to the relationship I had with an A go a little at a time. Some items I released with ritual. (For example I held on to a few letters then at the end, when I finally could do it, I took them into my yard and burned them, releasing them to the cosmos. But it did take me a long time to be able to do that).

Alcoholics are famous for circling back. This is when our recovery is severely tested. One counselor calls it "alcoholic radar." Just when we are feeling better, just when we are finally feeling we are strong and over it, the alcoholic shows up again. And sometimes this happens more than once. Months or years go by then there he is again. Alcoholic radar.

This happened to me and I've seen it happen to others.

But if the alcoholic shows up without a 9th step letter in his hand or his heart, best not to answer the door.

Without recovery, an alcoholic is a tornado. He will flatten your life.

Wishing you peace soon.

Willybluedog

Serenity001, time helps, I promise it will get better, you will move on, you are getting help, you are here talking with us, so you are doing the right things. When you are hurting come in and get some hugs, and some support.

Big hugs to you, I am so proud of you for being so strong.

serenity001

Thank you EG!! For the insight on AR!!! And Willy thank you also! I'm trying, yesterday was a very weird day for me, I felt like I was just wandering around and I didnt even leave the house, so caught up in thoughts, I'm feeling a little bit numb I guess, S*** I dont think I know what im feeling, just going through motions is what it feels like, haven't really gotten angry yet, and I hate that part the most, I dont like feeling angry, or numb!!! At least if I can cry, I know what I am feeling!! I've gotten set up with a Counselor besides, Alanon and being here, but I've been cancelled on and I so need an outside source to have to vent to face to face and that has been fustrating!!! I am thankful for all of you who have shared wise words of wisdom

naive

sometimes, action helps break the numbness.

just wondering, is there someone you trust that you could give the ring and gifts to and ask them to package and post it on your behalf? i think a good friend would understand and be happy to help you get some closure.