Going through some old text messages
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Going through some old text messages
First some background info: I have a female cousin who is four months older than me. I met RABF at the wedding of this cousin, I was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman. He was college roommates with the groom and they are friends.
RABF, my cousin, her husband, and a few other people in the wedding party all went to a university whose claim to fame is having invented the drinking game Beirut, they met in college and remained friends thereafter.
My cousin more or less "set up" me and RABF. She didn't know he has a drinking problem. Neither did I. His drinking didn't become a problem until like last year.
There are recovering alcoholics in our family, so she knows what an alcoholic is. But when I first texted her and told her my BF had a drinking problem, she came off as so dense in her reaction.
RABF, my cousin, her husband, and a few other people in the wedding party all went to a university whose claim to fame is having invented the drinking game Beirut, they met in college and remained friends thereafter.
My cousin more or less "set up" me and RABF. She didn't know he has a drinking problem. Neither did I. His drinking didn't become a problem until like last year.
There are recovering alcoholics in our family, so she knows what an alcoholic is. But when I first texted her and told her my BF had a drinking problem, she came off as so dense in her reaction.
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This text message, from July 27, 2011
Me: (ABF) has a drinking problem
Her: Haha who doesn't - are you okay with that though you should probably drink too makes everyone on the same level but I do totally understand that
Me: He passes out a lot
Her: Awww wake him up ha. You should drink more too as bad as that sounds ha, you'll notice it less
Me: (ABF) has a drinking problem
Her: Haha who doesn't - are you okay with that though you should probably drink too makes everyone on the same level but I do totally understand that
Me: He passes out a lot
Her: Awww wake him up ha. You should drink more too as bad as that sounds ha, you'll notice it less
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People kid around about all kinds of stuff. Trying to make light of scary and uncomfortable situations. It doesn't make them any less dangerous or uncomfortable.
I am not sure what you are asking from us by sharing this.
I understand your dissappointment, and perhaps some resentment against the cousin for both setting you up and for her unhelpful suggestions.
This is a very hard and painful situation to find oneself in.
Here is one thing to think about. Denial. Sounds like your cousin is having some too, about the seriousness of addiction, and maybe the possibility of it happening to someone she knows, someone young, maybe even herself.
And how hard it is once enmeshed to get loose. It's like that for the addict to, hard to see or admit how serious the situation is, and hard to get free of it. We go through the same situations as an addict as those who love us go through in dealing with us. It's hard to let go of something we've grown attached to. We hope it's not as bad as it looks, and that we can find an easier solution.
I'm sorry someone close to you, who you care about is encouraging you to do something damaging for yourself just to maintain a relationship. Stick around here, where you will find support in how to take care of yourself.
I am not sure what you are asking from us by sharing this.
I understand your dissappointment, and perhaps some resentment against the cousin for both setting you up and for her unhelpful suggestions.
This is a very hard and painful situation to find oneself in.
Here is one thing to think about. Denial. Sounds like your cousin is having some too, about the seriousness of addiction, and maybe the possibility of it happening to someone she knows, someone young, maybe even herself.
And how hard it is once enmeshed to get loose. It's like that for the addict to, hard to see or admit how serious the situation is, and hard to get free of it. We go through the same situations as an addict as those who love us go through in dealing with us. It's hard to let go of something we've grown attached to. We hope it's not as bad as it looks, and that we can find an easier solution.
I'm sorry someone close to you, who you care about is encouraging you to do something damaging for yourself just to maintain a relationship. Stick around here, where you will find support in how to take care of yourself.
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Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by choublak 
I'm not asking for anything in particular, just sharing...
That is okay, right?
That is okay, right?
was just checking to see if there was something you were looking for beyond a open ear.
hugs
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Ugh, that kills me. It is so irritating to me how most people don't think alcoholism is a real problem. It's like a huge joke in this country. I get reactions like that all the time.
Oh... He drinks... And that's why you're leaving? That's it?
Grrr!
I wish there was more education about alcoholism... That it was taken seriously.
Oh... He drinks... And that's why you're leaving? That's it?
Grrr!
I wish there was more education about alcoholism... That it was taken seriously.
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Well I might have been that girl when I was very young. Life is a relentless teacher though so I've learned a few things since then.
Before I was married I had a 'friend with benefits' for a couple of years. My roommate got pregnant by him. There I was, right in the middle without the sense or self worth to let people go (hello other thread!) and I remember a conversation we had like it was yesterday. She was telling me that she was writing her son a series of letters to explain to him how things were now - that he could read when he was an adult. How his bio dad was an alcoholic etc. I didn't say anything but I remember thinking to myself "What the H is she talking about." But she did know what she was talking about and I was just stupid. I was buried in denial and lacked any and all healthy points of reference. That guy ran away from the whole thing and I found another alcoholic, also not good for me, also in denial (both of us), and also didn't let him go. He didn't run away so I married him.
Life WILL teach us a thing or two if we live long enough.
Not sure why I shared all that. Maybe don't be to hard on the young and stupid. I don't think most of them are trying to be cruel or dense - they just don't get it.
Before I was married I had a 'friend with benefits' for a couple of years. My roommate got pregnant by him. There I was, right in the middle without the sense or self worth to let people go (hello other thread!) and I remember a conversation we had like it was yesterday. She was telling me that she was writing her son a series of letters to explain to him how things were now - that he could read when he was an adult. How his bio dad was an alcoholic etc. I didn't say anything but I remember thinking to myself "What the H is she talking about." But she did know what she was talking about and I was just stupid. I was buried in denial and lacked any and all healthy points of reference. That guy ran away from the whole thing and I found another alcoholic, also not good for me, also in denial (both of us), and also didn't let him go. He didn't run away so I married him.
Life WILL teach us a thing or two if we live long enough.
Not sure why I shared all that. Maybe don't be to hard on the young and stupid. I don't think most of them are trying to be cruel or dense - they just don't get it.
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Well I didn't mean I was stupid intellectually, lol. That was a poor choice of words. I'm not saying she isn't smart - just not enlightened. And maybe she is just being awful for all I know. Just putting the other side out there.
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Its possible that your ABF had been talking to her hubby about the the same things that you were trying to talk to her about.
It could be that she didn't want to be stuck in the middle of people she loved....or it could be that your ABF's alcoholic words had been filtered through the ears of a friend (her hubby) before they reached your cousin and so gave her a pretty distorted view of things.
It could be that she didn't want to be stuck in the middle of people she loved....or it could be that your ABF's alcoholic words had been filtered through the ears of a friend (her hubby) before they reached your cousin and so gave her a pretty distorted view of things.
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Possible, but not very likely.
I hang out with this cousin when the occasion calls for it, but I will not allow myself to get too close to her, because if any conflict should arise, she might break/damage something of mine.
She and her husband and RABF and some of their other friends, were staying at a hotel at the beach for Senior Week (this was before I met RABF), and, my cousin and one of her friends ended up mad at each other for I don't know what reason, and my cousin took the other girl's stuff and threw it out over the hotel balcony (from the fourth or fifth floor, mind you).
I'm not taking that chance. Haha.
I hang out with this cousin when the occasion calls for it, but I will not allow myself to get too close to her, because if any conflict should arise, she might break/damage something of mine.
She and her husband and RABF and some of their other friends, were staying at a hotel at the beach for Senior Week (this was before I met RABF), and, my cousin and one of her friends ended up mad at each other for I don't know what reason, and my cousin took the other girl's stuff and threw it out over the hotel balcony (from the fourth or fifth floor, mind you).
I'm not taking that chance. Haha.
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The cousin is actually a little older than me AND she has a law degree...
Still, I think her attitude is pretty common.
I had zero clue what alcoholism was all about before I realized I was married to an alcoholic.
And I worked with two recovering and a bunch of actively drinking alcoholics.
To me, it just meant they drank a lot. I don't think I understood what the big deal was either. Again -- because they had jobs and families and showered and wore stylish clothes, I didn't think it was such a big deal.
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Choublak,
there are people who make jokes about domestic violence and other stuff that isn't funny at all. Some people just can't deal with serious subject matter.
I just broke up with someone who's a total alcoholic and drug addict. I quit drinking and our relationship dried up. I'm a little bothered that even my best friend thought he was some kind of great catch because of how much he "loved" me and fawned over me, etc.
But whatever, what can I do?
there are people who make jokes about domestic violence and other stuff that isn't funny at all. Some people just can't deal with serious subject matter.
I just broke up with someone who's a total alcoholic and drug addict. I quit drinking and our relationship dried up. I'm a little bothered that even my best friend thought he was some kind of great catch because of how much he "loved" me and fawned over me, etc.
But whatever, what can I do?
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That's funny Choublak, I met XABF at my cousin's wedding too! He is a good friend of my cousin's. Only my cousin does not have a law degree, looks like a character from Jersey Shore, and warned me about XABF. At that time he was addicted to drugs, painkillers. THAT was clearly bad. He quit drugs and became a raging alcoholic within 6 months. His behavior was 100x worse than when he was drugging, but in everyone else's eyes he was and still is "recovered." He's been basking in that praise while drowning in the bottom of a vodka bottle for a year or better now. Ya, recovered my a**.
That's the thing about alcoholism, drinking is an acceptable part of culture that's encouraged heavily among peers in social situations. Drinking=FUN. I can't tell you how many times my ex fiance, who was not an alcoholic but did drink a lot, said he "doesn't trust people who don't drink." I go out on benders with my friends, sure. We get trashed sometimes. When does it become a problem? Or is it just something far beyond the alcohol that's the problem and the drinking just exacerbates it?
I honestly think my healthy exes could drink as much as XABF and things would be totally healthy and normal. There'd never be an issue. Like they say, alcoholism is just a symptom... Some people can handle it, some cannot.
Your cousin is not in an intimate relationship with this man, she only sees the fun guy face he puts on for the world. Also, many people react that way when the subject of alcoholism comes up because they are afraid they themselves might qualify as an alcoholic. It's similar to how people often judge victims in abusive relationships, because they are afraid and want to feel as if they are above that sort of behavior.
That's the thing about alcoholism, drinking is an acceptable part of culture that's encouraged heavily among peers in social situations. Drinking=FUN. I can't tell you how many times my ex fiance, who was not an alcoholic but did drink a lot, said he "doesn't trust people who don't drink." I go out on benders with my friends, sure. We get trashed sometimes. When does it become a problem? Or is it just something far beyond the alcohol that's the problem and the drinking just exacerbates it?
I honestly think my healthy exes could drink as much as XABF and things would be totally healthy and normal. There'd never be an issue. Like they say, alcoholism is just a symptom... Some people can handle it, some cannot.
Your cousin is not in an intimate relationship with this man, she only sees the fun guy face he puts on for the world. Also, many people react that way when the subject of alcoholism comes up because they are afraid they themselves might qualify as an alcoholic. It's similar to how people often judge victims in abusive relationships, because they are afraid and want to feel as if they are above that sort of behavior.
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I don't know, maybe my cousin has a drinking problem herself and doesn't even know it yet.
She did see RABF over Thanksgiving, he and I were visiting my extended family but he was in the middle of a binge and had to go lay down (which is another story, for another thread). She sees him and says to me "omg I didn't know it was that serious" even though I had told her that he has a drinking problem, that he cannot "limit" his drinking and binges if he drinks. She is incapable of understanding the concept of not drinking alcohol; she's all about limiting the drinking, but not giving it up completely. "Oh he'll be fine if he just limits it" she was always saying.
Even over Thanksgiving, when she saw him in his binge, she suggested to him, "why don't you try keeping a count of how many drinks you have" which he explained to her that he already tried that for a long time and it doesn't work for him. I suppose she was trying to give advice by suggesting a strategy that works for her (at least at the moment), but I couldn't help feeling a little annoyed. What part of "cannot have alcohol, period" does she not understand? I know it's not my place to make her understand, and I try hard to not let my annoyance show.
My cousin's husband, on the other hand, more or less verbally bit RABF's head off telling him "you're smart, f*cking smarter than me, stop doing stupid sh*t" etc.
And no, I didn't have any part in this conversation whatsoever.
She did see RABF over Thanksgiving, he and I were visiting my extended family but he was in the middle of a binge and had to go lay down (which is another story, for another thread). She sees him and says to me "omg I didn't know it was that serious" even though I had told her that he has a drinking problem, that he cannot "limit" his drinking and binges if he drinks. She is incapable of understanding the concept of not drinking alcohol; she's all about limiting the drinking, but not giving it up completely. "Oh he'll be fine if he just limits it" she was always saying.
Even over Thanksgiving, when she saw him in his binge, she suggested to him, "why don't you try keeping a count of how many drinks you have" which he explained to her that he already tried that for a long time and it doesn't work for him. I suppose she was trying to give advice by suggesting a strategy that works for her (at least at the moment), but I couldn't help feeling a little annoyed. What part of "cannot have alcohol, period" does she not understand? I know it's not my place to make her understand, and I try hard to not let my annoyance show.
My cousin's husband, on the other hand, more or less verbally bit RABF's head off telling him "you're smart, f*cking smarter than me, stop doing stupid sh*t" etc.
And no, I didn't have any part in this conversation whatsoever.
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Originally Posted by choublak
This text message, from July 27, 2011
Me: (ABF) has a drinking problem
Her: Haha who doesn't - are you okay with that though you should probably drink too makes everyone on the same level but I do totally understand that
Me: He passes out a lot
Her: Awww wake him up ha. You should drink more too as bad as that sounds ha, you'll notice it less
Me: (ABF) has a drinking problem
Her: Haha who doesn't - are you okay with that though you should probably drink too makes everyone on the same level but I do totally understand that
Me: He passes out a lot
Her: Awww wake him up ha. You should drink more too as bad as that sounds ha, you'll notice it less
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