jayjay1882

...... that is the question.

My AH and I separated last July. He vowed to get sober and went to AA for two months solid then began tapering off meetings and began to drink on weekends. After refusing to let him come home (because I knew he wasn't completely sober and working a strong program) he got a new job and moved three hours away in early December. I completely freaked out emotionally and we started to reconnect every weekend. I began to notice that with him back in my life, my own recovery started to slip. I began to slack off on my al-anon meetings and totally lost focus on myself.
After Christmas I needed to put some distance between us so I could refocus and got back on track (mostly).
Over the New Years weekend he relapsed big time and got in a fight and ended up with broken ribs and a bruised kidney. He hid this information from me for about four or five days. When he came clean he asked if I go could stay the weekend with him and help him with laundry etc. because his injury was painful.
Well, there was no way in heck I was going to drive three hours to do his laundry because he relapsed and ended up with broken ribs!!!!!
Needless to say he was not happy with me and pulled out the old faithful line:
"If YOU had come with me for New Years LIKE I WANTED then I would not have got drunk and have broken ribs"

Fast forward to this week. I received a phone call Wednesday (yesterday) morning at 4:45 am from him. He was at the hospital and had had an emergency tooth removal because it had abscessed and blocked his air supply. They had to cut into his cheek to drain it because it was so bad.
They decided to admit him to the hospital for observation for three days. After doing some research online I found out surprise, surprise that excessive alcohol use can lead to tooth decay/infection.
This morning he called and asked me if I was planning on coming down. My gut reaction was to say no. He was NOT very happy with that response.
I am not staying away to punish him or anything like that. I just feel that if I put myself in a situation where I am his caregiver I am going to do a lot of backsliding in my own recovery. The thought of driving three hours to take care of him fills me with panic and a sick feeling in my gut.
I know he has no friends or family down there, I know he feels all alone and scared. But I also know that he is not dying or having major surgery. He will be fine!
I also know that he did not purposefully cause this to happen but part of me feels like he wants to take advantage of the opportunity to get me back close to him and draw me back to the chaos that is his life. Does that make any sense? Or am I just crazy?
I do have some guilt about my decision though and am not sure I am making the right choice and part of me feels like I am being a complete b****.

Any words of wisdom???????

Willybluedog

Jayjay, so sorry for all you are going through, I don't see why you have to cave into his demands, you did not cause any of this to happen, it's not your fault, he made a series of bad choices and he needs to learn to live with them maybe he won't make the same choices next time.

You have your own mental health to consider, that involves you working your recovery, not his.

If you need to talk or to vent, you need a hug or some propping up I will be there for you, remember, you are a good person, and you deserve good things.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

quetzal

Jayjay ... Wow I'm so proud of you and I don't even know you ...lol - You're not crazy or a B*** he will pull you back into the madness. I don't know how many rock bottoms he will have to hit but you're trying the very best to take care of yourself and that's the best you can do. It must be hard but he needs to understand that you will no longer tolerate this behavior, follow your gut.

LostinBA

well I had a really good long post and then my power went off and I lost it, so maybe that was a sign that I said something wrong. I'll keep it shorter this time. He only calls you when he needs you. Is he there when you need him? Don't get dragged into his game. Play your game, the game of life and being happy. You can do it.

lillamy

Ding ding!!! We have a winner!
That was exactly what I was thinking as I was reading your post.

Oh, and let me add: My AXH and I have both moved on in new relationships. Even so, when he goes on a bender, he will still try to drag me in any way he can. If nothing else, he will send me 75 text messages over an evening, starting out telling me he needs me in his life and ending with calling me every four-letter word you have ever heard (and some you haven't).

I think that habit of having their standard enabler present when it storms, that's a habit that dies hard. Resist, sister.

dancingnow

JJ - I agree with what OP have said although it is still difficult when you love someone and/or if your nature is to be considerate and helpful to others.

For me I am trying to honor my nature and the person I am when I interact with my RAH but at the same time I sometimes need to step far away from his issues. We are separated 2 years and talking about trying to work it out.

In a normal relationship if your AH was away for some reason and had a medical emergency, what would you do - would you drop everything and run out there? Maybe or maybe not.

Keep focusing on YOUR recovery and making choices that are best for you.

I have gotten to the point where I can ask myself if I am making a choice because this is the person I want to be or because I am hoping to change something in AH or in our relationship. The latter doesn't work for me anymore. I prefer to make choices based on honoring myself.

Whatever you choose is the right choice for where you are at.

Seren

I would have to say that this is one of the best lines from an active alcoholic in quite some time!

Please know that I am not making light of his current pain. It sounds as though things aren't going well for him at all. It's just that the line above struck me as classic active addiction talk.......

These are all the consequences of his own actions. If he is in the hospital, then he is being cared for quite well by folks trained to do so. If he can't do his own laundry, there are places he can go to drop his laundry off and have it done for him.

I think you are doing great at keeping and reinforcing your boundaries as needed!

serenity001

JJ
Keep listening to your GUT...it never lies...I feel like I'm being a B**** too, by not having any contact with my ex A finance, I also know that if I do I may feel worse with contact. It feels like we are CRAZY at times doesnt it!! Good for you for setting Bounderies for yourself!!

Hugs to you,
Serenity001

Pelican

These were his choices.
His choices = His consequences.

It may be a reflex to call you in times of need. An old habit. An old habit that needs to be un-learned.
He will have to learn to rely on himself in his new community. He can find resources and support when he is ready.

I think a healthy reply might be:
I'm confident you will be okay.

MyBetterWorld

agreed. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right FOR you. He is going to drink or not drink regardless of what you do. So, that being said, GREAT JOB! You need to come first for once.

lillamy

I want to bring this up because it's something I've pondered a lot in my relationship to my AXH, comparing it to other relationships.

For me, I can only use it in negative circumstances: What would I do if anyone else in the whole universe sent me an e-mail saying they were going to come break down my door and kill me? Why, I'd call the cops. Immediately. But when he does it, I'm so used to it that I hesitate. I've stopped doing that; I do treat him like everybody else.

But when it comes to other things, I can't treat him like I treat normal people, because he isn't normal and our relationship isn't normal.

If my coworker Bob called and said "I'm in the hospital and I need someone to walk my dog," I'd do it in a heartbeat. But if AXH called with the same line, I'd say "find someone else." Because while Bob would just be solving a problem with his dog needing to pee, AXH would see my agreeing to walking his dog as "she's back in my life."

And please forgive me, I'm not comparing alcoholics to animals, I'm comparing people to animals: We're largely biological beings who react similar to animals in some situations:

If you want to train a dog to not beg at the table, you have to be utterly consistent and not send mixed messages. If you sometimes feed it from the table, it's almost impossible to teach it not to beg. The behavior taps into the same behavior as gambling and slot machines -- the excitement about maybe getting rewarded increases the desirability of the behavior. It's actually easier to train a dog who has ALWAYS been fed from the table to quit the behavior than it is to train one that SOMETIMES gets fed from the table.

Same thing with people. Any time I'm inconsistent, any time I don't put my foot down with AXH, he advances his attack one step.

jayjay1882

Exactly! Our relationship is not normal and I know if I were to go down there he would use his hospital stay to his advantage and try to worm his way back in.
Our relationship has always been based on how helpless he was in any given situation and I always provided a solution for him.
I wish I could go and care for him during his need, I wish we weren't separated by addiction. Oh, well if wishes were fishes.....

It is very sad that it is this way, but it is what it is.

Thanks everyone for their input. Sometimes it is so hard to know if you are making the right call.
Happy weekend!

m1k3

JJ, great job. Don't beat yourself up you handled it well.

One of the things that helps me with stuff like this is to before I make any big decision like that is to ask myself "How does that help my recovery?" As long as I keep my recovery first and foremost then I will do fine.

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics always want other people to take care of them....that way they don't have to be responsible. You seem to be making real headway in dealing with this dreadful situation.

lillamy

Jayjay, if it helps, it takes a while to get out of that habit.
After I left my AXH, I enlisted three trusted friends to be my sounding boards, and whenever I communicated with AXH, I'd have one of them weigh in on what I said to him before I sent an e-mail off. For the first six months, I didn't type up ONE single e-mail to him where one of my friends didn't say, "You're HELPING again. STOP IT!"

I STILL catch myself doing it, 18 months later. My first instinct is still the same as if my KIDS ask me for help. Actually, I'm better at telling THEM to do it themselves than I am at telling HIM.

But we'll get there. Baby steps.

blwninthewind

I'm a nurse.
He doesn't need you to take care of him.
Just saying... sure he is going to feel like crap and hurt a little but he really doesn't need someone babying him.

I hope u didn't go.
He is pulling you back in.
He is showing you who he is.
He is not workinig his program or even TRYING.
You aren't his mama.
he is a grown man.
you deserve better.
RUN while you can....your going to get sucked back in if you keep accepting his calls and letting him play the blame game.