Petewill

i'll be honest, this is about the 3 time i have reached this amount of time being sober in the last 4 years and I could not tell you which way is up or down. I am totally confused and my thoughts are all over the place. Having my faculties back has actually made me regret alot about how bad I screwed up my life and what to do about it. I constantly am second guessing myself. I still am going to meetings, still stuck on step 2, and am seeing a therapist. Granted, life has not had barely ANY drama, if not at all. that has been great, but as far as being calm - forget it. Now, I remember why I was drinking so much again, so I did not have to think so much. 1 minute I am fine, next minute I hate everything about my life. so, It has not gotten that much easier for me, the compulsion to drink has, but not the constant thoughts. what to do? Thanks for reading.

Mark75

Your post resonated with me, I was much like you describe at 102 days. It does suck... thoughts all over the place... I was dealing with a lot of shame... all that.

The steps did help me a great deal. So I imagine they may help you as well, but you are stuck on step 2?

Are you WILLING to believe that your higher power can restore you to sanity... to help you through this difficult time? I am not asking if you believe, fully and completely... I am not asking if you have a concept of your higher power that is fully developing... simply, are you WILLING?

If so, then get right into the third, because that's where you can begin to gain traction.

Do you have a sponsor?

Xyphen

Thanks for the thread, Petewill. And congratulations on 102 days! That really is quite an accomplishment. It is good that your cravings have gotten better and that you are going to meetings and seeing a therapist. As far as your mood going up and down like a roller coaster, I know how you feel. In the last 5 years the longest I've gone sober was 3 months, on two separate occasions. Right now I'm 24 days sober and I tell you, the more times you try getting sober, the worse it is each time you do it. I'm still having anxiety like crazy and my doctor has put me on some anti-anxiety meds to help. But I am up and down each day. My therapist helped me with that. It takes some time before you can get used to doing this, but whenever you have feelings of regret don't let yourself think about it for more than a minute or so. Don't give in to it. Once the thought arises, quickly dismiss it, tell yourself it happened, there is nothing you can do about it, and think about something else. Eventually, if you keep that up, it'll help. Also, I try to occupy my free time playing video games, watching Netflix, or reading books. My therapist has also had me keep journals for writing in whenever I have feelings of regret or just generally feel down. After a while you might notice a pattern that will enable you to move forward. Anyway, you're way ahead than most of us with your sobriety and though it will still take plenty of time and patience, you're doing great. My hats off to you. Good luck with everything and keep coming back!

bluemuppet

it seems to me like you haven't found another outlet. what do you do when you want to drink? what are your alternatives?

there are many out there, but without focusing on one you will begin to focus inwards and may be led back to the solutions you sought previously.

trigirl71

Petewill I can relate. I am newly sober and feel the same way often but whatever we have done in the past (and I have done a lot of stupid and embarassing things) does not define us. You are taking the right steps and you are moving forward. I am told the anxiety and racing thoughts get better. Keep posting!

Petewill

Thanks for responding........... yeah........... as far as outlets, I might have too many. I play, write, and record music (currently with two bands), I do web and graphic design professionally, and I have two kids, but not with me full time. believe me, I have alot of other things that I try to do, but here I am again.. going to that dark place. But I see your point. Spirituality, not so much as of late - I am basically agnostic.

Petewill

btw, yeah, I have a sponsor and xyphen, it does get harder and harder to get sober every time after.. sucks.......

Sapling

What he said.

bluemuppet

Peterwill: it seems like you need another outlet for these feelings. What is it about drinking that you love? What can you do instead that will create the same or similar feelings?

Obviously your job is not providing this, so think about what can change your attitude. For me, i've hired a treadmill and i run until it hurts so much that i cant think of anything else, for example. it gets me fit and it takes away my desire to drink.

Mark75

Hey Pete... if you want to explore your issue with the steps, let me invite you down to the 12 step section of this forum... some good people who post a good bit about these very concerns... The main section of the 12 step support gets the most traffic...

If not, that's cool...

Wisghing you well. That's awesome that you have all those creative outlets!

Petewill

thanks for trying to help me with this bluemuppett and everyone else,

until last week, I injured my neck temporarily, I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week. I would say I have been doing pretty much everything that has been suggested from the rooms, with the exception of service work. That was what took me out last time. again, this was my program, some people don't need NA or AA.. as you are aware.

bluemuppet

speedy recovery to you mate.

End of the day, it's all about you. That doesn't mean you don't have people to talk too.